by Jacob Allen
I drove her home, and the two of us sat in silence. Much like we had on our first night out, when we found up going through the park, such silence didn’t feel like an ominous sign for our potential. It just felt like a natural sign that, even in the silence, we could be present with each other and not worry about what the world brought about. If we could coexist in silence, we could coexist in just about anything.
When I got Jackie back to her car, it wasn’t that late in the day; in fact, it wasn’t even 5 p.m. We could have spent a whole lot more time together, maybe even gotten ice cream or dinner. Granted, that would have required spending money I barely had, but with Jackie, time spent with her was invaluable.
But it was also even better delayed. And so it was that I didn’t mind taking the evening to figure out what I wanted to do.
Even in the silent car ride over, though, I had ideas coming to mind.
“I’ll text you tomorrow,” I said. “But for now, plan on coming to the party. I’ll do something for us there.”
“OK,” Jackie said, a warm smile on her face. She unbuckled her seatbelt, leaned over, and hugged me tight. I held my embrace with her for a long, long time. I didn’t want to let go of the first person to really hug me as she did since my mother.
She ended with a kiss on the cheek and a rubbing of my arms.
“I’m sorry you’re going through what you are with your father,” she said. “You’re stronger than I ever thought.”
For a moment, with our eyes locked like so, I really thought we were about to kiss. I was pretty sure if I made the move to do so, she would have accepted me in and kissed me.
But I couldn’t do it. It would have felt rushed. It would have felt forced. Tomorrow would have given me an opportunity to really earn such a kiss, not just push my way to it.
But damn, with those lips, that curly hair, that brownish-golden skin, and everything else about her, it might have taken the greatest amount of self-control I’d ever exerted in my life not to kiss her.
I could see the same struggle in Jackie’s eyes. It helped me feel better about the fact that she abruptly got out of the car without much else to say.
I sat there in silence, imagining her comforting face still inches before me. In that moment, I was completely out of my head; all that existed in the world was Jackie, her beautiful face, and her beautiful presence.
And that’s when I knew how I’d win her back.
21
JACKIE
“HOW ARE YOU AND KEVIN DOING?”
Just like we had at winter break, Emily and I were headed over, with me driving the two of us to the Broad Street Boys’ party. Though Emily had been one of the original creators of the party, having come up with the idea with Adam, she had handed full reigns to him and the rest of the boys so that she and I could go together. We’d tried like crazy to get Samantha to join us, but there was seemingly no breaking through that barrier now. She was set on remaining on the outskirts of Providence Prep’s social scene, only hanging with us when she didn’t have to deal with the boys.
With a question like this from Emily, I fully understood why Samantha chose to remain home.
“I have no idea,” I said with a chuckle.
I didn’t mind Emily asking the question. I just minded that the question existed in the first place. We’d reached some sort of awkward limbo where I’d allowed him yet another chance, and I wanted to remain closed off to him, but when we hung out, I slowly found myself coming closer and closer to him. No matter how much I pushed away, it was like fighting a pull stronger than me.
“I’m just going to try and have fun tonight and see where that goes,” I added. “Kevin told me before he has something planned, but I’m trying not to set my expectations for anything. If I show up and Kevin is too busy with some girl—”
“He won’t be, Jackie, don’t be silly.”
“I know, but just in case.”
Just in case, for my own sanity, so if this all goes to hell, I can escape unhurt. But it’s only when we open ourselves up to the hurt that we also allow the joy to come in.
“I’m just going to be open and enjoy the night,” I said. “How are you and Adam?”
“Oh, you know, same old,” Emily said.
It was not a dismissive statement. It was a relishing statement, words from a girl who couldn’t believe that “same old” now had a positive connotation and not one that threatened to wear her down for good. It was a statement that, truthfully, in a couple of months, I hoped to get to say.
“I’ll be curious to see what Adam threw together tonight.”
“It’s Adam,” I said. “He’s always the best at throwing parties.”
“True, but he’s never done anything for Valentine’s Day before. Knowing him, he’s going to do something ridiculous for all of the single people on campus.”
I shuddered at the thought, mostly because it would require some extroverted action on my part. On second thought, if Kevin wasn’t here for me, there might just be a decent chance I wouldn’t make it late.
I parked the Jeep just outside the house. We’d gotten there a little bit early; there weren’t more than a couple dozen people milling about the house, quite a small number in comparison to what was to come. I looked for Kevin, but I didn’t need to spend a lot of time searching for him.
I found him in his usual spot—guarding the balcony, hair flopped over his right eye, his arms crossed.
And then, when he saw me, unlike that night near Christmas break, when he’d turned and run away, he turned and ran toward me.
“Let’s go somewhere more private,” he said as he grabbed me.
“Excuse me?” I said, cocking an eyebrow.
I didn’t know of a man alive who would say such a thing for any intent other than having sex. I was certainly in a better place than last Saturday, but sex was—
“Just trust me.”
Do I?
Yes. I do.
I followed him out the front door, ignoring the hordes of people yelling his name and cheering him on. He seemed unusually intent on moving forward; it wasn’t just that he ignored people calling him, it was like he didn’t even notice.
It was also of great curiosity that he had willingly parked his Honda Civic so close to the entrance. Everyone on campus knew he was self-conscious of his driving a Honda Civic, which made it even more noticeable when he took every care possible to make sure we didn’t know.
“Where are we going?” I said as he opened the door for me.
“Someplace quiet,” he said.
He shut the door gently as soon as I was all the way in and got in the front seat.
“You don’t usually park this close,” I said.
“Yeah, well, I don’t usually have a moment where I realize I don’t need to have my guard up as much.”
The visit to his father yesterday. That wasn’t just for me. It was for him.
Kevin and I again went silent as he drove me away from the party, away from the ensuing madness… and to the park that we had had our first date at.
“What’s going on?” I said as Kevin popped the trunk and pulled out a backpack and some blankets.
“I’m just pulling a card from your parents,” he said. “They taught me a few things.”
What… wait. No. Is he—
I tried to stop my thoughts as we came close to a nearby pond, but once Kevin laid out the blankets and then pulled out some candles from his backpack, I knew I’d properly guessed what was going to happen. Kevin was going to meditate with me.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked, but I was already touched.
“You want the honest answer? Or the cool kid answer?”
I smirked. He knew which one I wanted.
“You and I have so much noise in our life, both literally and metaphorically,” he said. “Part of that is my fault, but part of that is just high school life. I just wanted to go someplace quiet and let us decide what’s noise and what’s real. I brought some
music that I think will help us, if that’s OK. It’s not the kind of music your parents probably listen to when meditating, though.”
“No, that’s fine,” I said, still too stunned at this display from a guy who had fashioned himself as a tough Broad Street Boy for so long. “I want to do it how you want to do it.”
Kevin smiled, laid out the blanket, and sat on one end as he lit about eight candles and surrounded the blanket. He had me sit on the other end and place the candles symmetrically with the ones he had laid out. He grabbed his phone, scrolled through what I assume was his music, and then sat it down. Within seconds, I recognized the song.
“Somebody to Love,” by Queen.
Kevin was right. It was a little faster rhythm than the music my parents played. In general, they didn’t like songs with lyrics; they felt that was a way to distract yourself from the meditation. They preferred the music at a lower volume than his phone was playing right now.
But this was not a night on learning how to meditate. Besides, there was no “right” way to meditate.
“Close your eyes,” he said. “And just let whatever comes to mind come to mind. And, if you would, let me know what you think when the song ends.”
I did as commanded. At first, my mind went to everything that had happened over the last several days. It traced back to Sadie Hawkins, went to Monday, went to last night, and then went to the last half hour. It replayed the events over and over again.
But then, my mind started to think of my life and my relationships in terms of the song lyrics.
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own/I get down on my knees/And I start to pray/’til the tears run down from my eyes/Lord, somebody…
For all that my parents had taught me that was wise and true, the reason I had doubted it was because it had left me feeling alone. I felt my parents weren’t grounded not because they somehow weren’t, but because I hadn’t found anyone yet.
I’m OK, I’m alright/I ain’t gonna face no defeat/I just gotta get out of this prison cell/One day I’m gonna be free…
But it didn’t have to be this way. And for that matter, the same was true for Kevin. Life didn’t have to remain a prison cell for him. He didn’t have to remain a prisoner of his father’s habits.
It was as if this song, now reaching its crescendo, was his way of telling me what he was doing. It wasn’t a guide for me. It was a message for me.
Anybody, anywhere, anybody, find me somebody to love, love, love! Somebody find me, find me love.
I realized then what it was. I was that somebody. I was the one he wanted to love.
He was telling me this through song, because he couldn’t tell me through his own words. Not yet, at least.
The song ended, Kevin hit the pause button before the next song started, and I opened my eyes.
And as I did, as I saw Kevin across from me, his massive legs crossed and his body upright, I realized that no one had ever embraced this side of me quite like Kevin had. Emily and Samantha had accepted it as a part of me and even asked questions about it, but neither had asked to volunteer with me. Only Kevin had gone so far as to initiate such a session with me.
“How do you feel?” Kevin asked with an expression I hadn’t seen on him very much.
Contentment.
“I feel… lucky,” I admitted. “I feel lucky to have someone like you do meditation with me.”
“Yeah?”
I smiled. Kevin had done it. Damnit, he had done it.
“You know, I was thinking during meditation… we all have our rebellious phase. I never really had mine overtly, but mine has been with my parents about being more grounded. About having a foot in the ‘real world.’ But I never want to totally be out of their world, because they have a level of happiness and cheer that I can only hope to approximate. I need someone who can straddle both worlds and understand them.”
I reached across and took Kevin’s hand. It just felt right. It just felt like I had to.
“You come from a place that is almost too grounded,” I said. “But yesterday, you showed your ability to rise above it. You showed that you’re aware of your past, but you’re not going to let it define you. You will have to fight it every day, sure, but it won’t define you.”
“Yeah,” Kevin said, still smiling. “Yeah… I don’t know what else to say. You hit it perfectly.”
Kevin then swallowed.
“I want you, Jackie, because you are like me in some ways and you’re not like me in others. But more than that. You are you. There is almost no one I can think of at school who is more authentic in who they are than you. Everyone loves you, and while part of that has to do with your morning cheer, a lot of it has to do with the fact that you are just a real person. The things you believe in? You live them.”
“Aww, Kevin…”
“I’m sorry that I ever acted like a jackass to you,” he said. “I’m sorry that I ever threw up on you. Those are inexcusable, and I’m not trying to make excuses. But I am here to say that I really like you. And I hope you’ll give me the chance.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but then I remembered something.
I remembered how, when we had first come to this park, when I’d asked Kevin about us, he had responded with an action rather than a statement.
I remembered how much I wanted to do that myself.
Without another word, I repositioned myself on my knees, leaned forward, and kissed Kevin on the lips.
And unlike last time, when we slowly built up, this was a kiss that I wanted in all of its full glory. I put my hands on his head and pulled him into me. Kevin hadn’t just physically excited me—he had stirred my spirit in a way that I didn’t think anyone ever could. Him initiating a meditation was so much better than someone who liked meditating—he was stepping into my world.
It was all I needed to see to know that we would work out.
The kiss grew more passionate. I couldn’t contain myself. I didn’t know where this side of me had come from, but I knew now that I wasn’t about to stop just here.
“Kevin,” I said, keeping my forehead close to his so that he could only see my eyes. “Finish what you started last week. Take me, Kevin. I’m yours.”
“Here?”
I would have gladly let that happen. I would have done so without reservation. I was that aroused.
But he had a point. It would have sucked to get a public indecency arrest this close to graduation, and while I was more daring and more open because of Kevin, that didn’t suddenly mean I was a naughty girl who would do everything and anything. I needed time for that.
But I already knew this was not going to stop at tonight. We had time.
“C’mon,” I said. “I bet you’ll keep yourself better under control when it’s your car.”
Just barely a minute later, we were in the backseat of Kevin’s Honda, our kissing becoming so much more erotic and sexually charged than the one outdoors. I had lost all my inhibitions now; with the back windows tinted, even if someone suspected something, they wouldn’t be able to actually see me. Now, I had Kevin all to myself, and no one could stop us.
I had my shirt off first. I wanted Kevin to be back in that spot where all he had to do was nudge aside one layer of clothing and he’d have access to my breasts. I needed us to go back to this moment and do it better than we had last time.
He kissed down my clavicle and down my chest until he got midway through. He peered up at me and smiled.
“Don’t you dare,” I said.
“I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in a week,” he said. “If something happens here, then fate really doesn’t want us to be together.”
“Fuck fate,” I said, so charged I didn’t mind swearing to make my point.
Kevin grinned at me. He reached his hand around, unhooked my bra, and had it off and on the car floor a second later.
I’d never been like this before—hell, I’d never even had my shirt off in front of another man before. This was entirely br
and new territory, but it was new territory that I relished being in. I was a little nervous, of course; I didn’t know what it would feel like, if it would hurt, or any other number of factors.
But I knew that I felt connected to Kevin, could feel his energy, and it was all but synchronized with mine.
He gently kissed and squeezed each breast, sending waves of heat through my stomach first and then to the rest of my body. My fingers and toes curled as I played with his hair. I didn’t want him to stop, but I also wanted him to keep going to my sex. I know, it was selfish, but for my first time, I wanted to be greedy. I wanted all of Kevin.
Eventually, he did move on to the rest of my body, taking the time to remove my pants and then my underwear. I got his shirt off, revealing well-defined pecs and broad shoulders. He definitely had the bulky body, but he had a sexy bulky body, the kind that feared no one.
“Ready?” he asked.
“Should’ve asked that five minutes ago,” I said with a laugh. “Yes, take me. Take me, Kevin.”
He smiled, leaned forward, and kissed my clit.
God, who knew a kiss could feel so fucking good?!?
I pressed my hips into him, begging him and encouraging him to do more. And more, he most certainly did. With his mouth all but glued to my sex, he darted his tongue against, on, and inside of me. He grabbed my ass for support as he did, and my legs wrapped around him as he brought me exponentially increasing pleasure by the second.
Certainly, since I had nothing to compare this to, it would all feel good. But I just knew that this was really good. Like, within two minutes, I could already feel a tension building in me that was orgasm.
“Oh, Kevin,” I moaned, grabbing his hair, my thighs squeezing so tight I almost worried about hurting him. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Yeah baby,” he said, but with his mouth still up against me, it came out muffled and stifled.
I closed my eyes and writhed as the orgasm reached its crescendo. It was in this blissful moment that time seemed to stand still; the world around me froze, my body reached its peak tension, and Kevin and I had become like one.