Later, kids in bed, teeth brushed, flossed, clothes set for the next day and he says “Lights out, everybody,” and Margo says “Can I read for five minutes more?” and he says “Fine, for both of you, five minutes’ free play, but that’s it, deal?” and they say nothing and he says “You have to say something,” and they say yes and five minutes later he goes back upstairs to the part of the hallway between their rooms and says “Lights out now, please,” and Julie says “Can’t we have a story?” and he says no and she says “You said last night you’d give one because Mommy won’t be here,” and he says “Okay, but a short one. ‘There were two sisters ready for sleep—’” and she says “Oh God, Daddy, two sisters—real original. Do they have our names?” and he says “No, why would they?—it’s a story,” and she says “Margo, did you hear that—Daddy’s story with two sisters like us?” and Margo says “I’m not listening, I’m reading,” and he says “Not like you. Just two sisters, ages a little different and personalities completely unlike yours, who are very tired, yawning, in bed and ready for sleep—remember, this is a short one—when a bear comes into their room—” and Julie says “With you it’s always a bear. Why not an elephant?” and he says “Hey, who’s telling it? You don’t like the way I do it, I won’t and it’s goodnight, sweet peas,” and she says “No, go on,” and he says “Not a bear but a flying duck. And this duck—this is the story—‘And this duck, Dickie, for all ducks have first names starting with D, says “Hey, gals, let’s go outside and cause a major duck ruckus,” and they say “No, we’re tired and have to go to sleep; sorry, Dickie. Maybe tomorrow or the day after,”’ end of story,” and Julie says “That wasn’t one—it didn’t go on and there was no ending,” and he says “Best I can do tonight for a shortie. It’s late,” looks at his watch, “—oh my gosh, past ten and tomorrow’s a school day and I promised Mommy and I’m even a little tired myself and still have to make lunch for you for tomorrow and do other things. I’m also not in the right frame of mind and mood for a story—I gotta feel it and I don’t, so goodnight, all,” and flicks the wall light switch in her room which turns off the night table light and she says “Wait, I’m not done yet, I haven’t fixed my animals in bed,” and he says “What’s it gonna be, all night with you?” and turns the light on and watches her arrange her stuffed animals under her covers with their noses jutting just above and she rests her head on the pillow and says “Okay, I’m set,” and he turns the light off and says “Be back in a sec,” and sticks his head into Margo’s room and says “May I turn the light off now?—I gave you much more than five minutes,” and she says “Only half a page left till the end of the paragraph,” and he waits while she reads and thinks “Look at that concentration and the way she won’t give the book up—I wish I still had it like that,” and she puts a bookmark between the pages, closes the book and puts it on the floor and says “All right, I’m ready, thank you,” and he turns her night table light off from her wall switch and she says “You have to come say goodnight to me personally,” and he says “Orders, these kids are never done giving orders,” and sits on her bed and says goodnight and she raises her arms and he leans down between them and kisses her forehead and she hugs him and pulls him down to her and says “Now you’re sentenced to prison, you can never get free, what are you going to do, prisoner?” and he says “Willingly stay here for life, I guess—jail is so sweet and a break from everyday things,” and rests his face on her cheek and Julie says “What about me?” and he says “Be there soon, my cookie,” and lifts his head and looks at Margo in the light from the hallway and thinks “My firstborn, my firstborn, how big and beautiful you’ve grown, and smart? oh my God,” and feels tears and thinks “Now that wasn’t cheap sentimentality, was it?” and she says “What?” and he says “Why?” and she says “Way you’re staring at me; I do something wrong?” and he says “The opposite; I’m just admiring you,” and thinks “Ah, what great kids, incomparable, inconsolable, I’m so incorrigible, I gotta do something about that soon. For starters not to be such a gruffpot, just not be anything I know I shouldn’t be and which hurts them and anything like that and in the end me. I know I’ve said it all before but this is the end of saying I’ve said it or the end of saying this is the end of saying I’ve said it, or will try for it to be, right from now,” and says “This is really unbeatable, my dear, but please now release me so I can let you get some sleep, you need it,” and she takes her arms away and he kisses her lips and brushes her hair back with his hand and she says “You’re looking at me in that weird way again,” and he says “Honestly, it’s nothing; or maybe just the shadows and stuff on my face, making me look gruff—you know, but go to sleep,” and gets up and she says “I love you, Daddy,” and he says “Say, that’s a coincidence, for me too to you too too, now goodnight,” and blows her a kiss and goes into Julie’s room and says “By all rights I should’ve gone to my youngest first, who I believe is you”—puts his face right up to hers—“yes, this is definitely recognizable as Julie’s, because she needs more sleep. But I shut Margo’s light last so went into her room first to say goodnight, does that make any sense or should I reexplain or just forget it?” and she says “What were you talking of with her—did you tell her a full story?” and he says “I was telling her how beautiful, big, smart and grown she’s become, just like you with all those and how you two were always like that from day one of birth though not so grown,” and gets on his knees and brushes her hair back and says “Now guten nacht, my darlink sveetheart, mut—mit great sveet dreams to du,” and she says “And sweet dreams to you and see you in the morning and have a nice night,” and he says “And nice night too, I forgot that one, and see you in the morning,” and Margo says “You’re taking much longer with her than you did me,” and he says “Not true but I’ll return to give you equal time,” and Julie says “And then me,” and he says “I’m now giving it,” and kisses her lips and says “I love you, mein wunderbar kit, now goodnight,” and she says “Goodnight and don’t forget to come back,” and he says “Never, for tonight, that was it,” and goes into Margo’s room and says “Goodnight again, that’s all, I’m on my way out,” and kisses her forehead and she tries locking him in her arms and he says “No, really,” pulling her arms away, “fun’s fun and love’s love but it’s sleepy-sleep time,” and she says “One more kiss?” and he says “Please, no, this can go on forever,” and leaves the room and says “I’ll stay here for a few minutes,” and Margo says “If not a real story, sing?” and he says “Nah, I’ve a crummy voice,” and turns the hallway light off and she says “We need it to see the bathroom—the night light’s broke,” and he says “You’re getting a little light from my bedroom,” and she says “But then you’ll go to sleep,” and he says “I’ll leave the bathroom light on with the door quarterway open,” and turns the bathroom light on, shuts the door almost all the way and sits against the wall between their rooms and Margo says “Please sing. Mommy always does when there’s no story and sometimes even after one and it gets us to sleep faster,” and he says “But she has a pretty voice and knows lots of good songs. Okay, only one with my crummy voice and short as can be but sung slowly,” and he sings “‘Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine, I am lost and gone forever, oh my darling Clementine.’ I don’t think those are the exact words but the tune’s right and the feeling’s all there. But that’s it; now complete utter silence,” and Julie says “More,” and he says “No! I mean it. I’m not saying another word and neither are you,” and they’re quiet and he thinks “‘I’ve been lost and gone forever? She’s been lost and gone? You have? She is? I’m?’ I don’t know which one, they all sound right,” and rests his arms on his knees, head on his wrist, blows out a long breath, no thoughts come. Sometime later he thinks “Was I sleeping? Must’ve been; wonder how long,” and whispers “Girls, you asleep?” and Margo says “I’m not,” and he says “So sleep, sweetheart, really; I’ll sit here a few more minutes,” and she says “If you come say
goodnight to me one last time, you can leave,” and he thinks “Should I give in? What’s the harm,” and says “Okay, if that’ll do it,” and goes into her room and kisses her forehead and says “Goodnight now, all right?” and he can’t see her well in the dark but she seems to nod and he goes into Julie’s room and kisses her head and then goes downstairs to make them lunch.
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Copyright © 1995 by Stephen Dixon
Cover design by Steven Seighman
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