“Are you going to do that all night?” I asked with a smile. He really seemed fascinated by all that magic stuff.
Tom, brows knit with concentration, thrust the fanned-out cards at me.
“Pick a card, any card,” he said with a dimpled grin.
I complied.
“OK, now don’t let me see it and then put it back in the deck.” He closed his eyes. “I won’t look.”
I took a card, saw that it was a two-of-hearts, and put it back in the deck.
“Done,” I said.
We moved up some more in line, and he shuffled and reshuffled his cards. Then he pulled out a card and showed it to me. “Is this your card?”
It was a six-of-clubs.
“Nope.” I smiled and shook my head.
Tom furrowed his brow. “It’s not?”
Up ahead, our turn came, and the ride operator locked us into a seat. I snuggled next to Tom against the cool wind as the Ferris wheel went around. Older by a year, he was at least six feet tall. His long legs dangled down from the brightly painted bench. I looked at him, and his scruffy chin scratched my forehead. He was looking out over the side at the blinking lights below with a strange look on his face.
“What?” I asked.
His eyes met mine, and then he showed me the cards again. “Was it this one?”
I shook my head. Tom’s gaze met mine, and I was startled by their intensity.
“Check your pocket,” he murmured.
Confused, I reached into my pocket and my hand closed around a small object. I pulled it out. It was a ring, with two hearts imbedded in the clear plastic resin. Shocked, I gasped. “How did you do that?”
Tom shot me a crooked smile and tapped his head with his finger. “A magician never reveals his secrets.”
“But you…did you plan…”
Tom put his finger to my mouth and whispered. “Shhh, I wanted your day to be special.”
He leaned forward, brushed his lips across mine softly, and sent a flash of fire through my chest. Still shocked he’d bothered with me, I loved him desperately. He was my strength at Dresden Heights, and just being near him took my breath away. I felt like nothing could ruin how perfect we were together.
I was so, so wrong.
****
I sat in the borrowed surveillance car, staring out the passenger window not seeing anything. Tom drove. He seemed a million miles away. I leaned my forehead on the cool window and closed my eyes. The car smelled like feet and old coffee. We drove past the city center and kept going. The lights, smeared with the speed, flitted past my gaze.
Tom found my hand, and snaked his fingers with mine. He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed my palm.
“Are you OK?” He asked.
I nodded. “You?”
I don’t know why I asked. I watched him work his jaw for the past half hour. Tom only did that when he was furious.
“I’m going to get you someplace safe, and then you can ask me.”
“Where are we going, Tom?” I sat up a little.
“I’m taking you home,” he said quietly. “My home.”
“You have a home here?” I had a hard time imagining that. “Since when?”
“Since I’m not seventeen anymore,” he muttered.
I smiled. So much of how I saw him now, came from how I knew him back then. I reached over and rubbed my finger over the frown wrinkle between his eyebrows.
“Quit brooding,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
The corners of his lips turned up a bit in a half-hearted smile.
“I’ve changed a lot, Ruby,” he whispered. “I wouldn’t have come back into your life otherwise.”
I looked at his face, but couldn’t read his expression.
We pulled into the parking lot of a condominium complex. Beautifully arched stairwells opened onto a courtyard with a babbling fountain. Las Brisas was Spanish architecture at its finest. Terra cotta tiles and mosaics in blues and greens lit up the walls even at night.
“You live here?”
“I bought it last month.” Tom shook his keys at me.
“Bought? Wow, that’s…that’s a commitment.”
He took my hand, and we climbed the steps to his door. Tom turned to me, his expression reassuring.
“Nobody knows about this place. My cover ID has me listed at another address.”
“OK,” I said.
We went inside. Tom’s home reflected his personality. Overstuffed leather chairs shared space with piles of books. His desk, a mess like his locker had been, held stacks of papers and files covering the surface.
Tom rushed past me and moved around the room picking up socks and clothes.
“I, uh…didn’t expect company,” he muttered.
“It’s great, Tom,” I said, and meant it.
He shoved the clothes in the closet and closed the door. Turning to me, he smiled nervously. “I’m not exactly moved in yet.”
“Yeah, well. You’ve been busy.” I brushed my hand over his dirty hair and showed him my blackened fingers.
Tom reached up and wiped at his soot-covered face. “I’m gonna clean up. You can, you know, look around if you want.”
He headed upstairs. I guessed he had a bathroom in the bedroom. I wandered around the living room for a few minutes before I noticed that he didn’t have a television. I turned in a full circle. He didn’t have a radio, either.
“Huh,” I muttered.
I scanned the titles of the books that stood in waist-high piles around the leather chairs. They were history mostly. I didn’t know he had a love of history. I wandered over to the next room. A fireplace took up most of the far wall. More books and boxes lined the floor along the other two walls. I made my way to the mantle. Pictures of Tom with some guys on a fishing boat, one of him in between two people, his arms around both of their shoulders standing in front of a lake. The man and woman looked alike, and I guessed they were brother and sister. A snapshot of Tom wearing a backwards baseball cap and grinning into the camera caught my eye. He held up a baseball like he’d just caught it. I could make out the seats of a baseball stadium behind him.
I wandered upstairs. I passed a bathroom in the hall and heard the shower behind the door. One of the upstairs rooms looked like a bedroom, though again, it had mostly boxes and a few pieces of furniture. The bed, rough pine slats and dark finish, stood under a huge picture window. No curtains, nothing on the walls, definitely a guy’s room.
Back out in the hall, I poked my head into the other room. Set up as an office, long shelves lined the walls. Black plastic bins of all sizes crowed the shelves. Curious, I walked in, took one down, and smiled. Inside, decks of cards and flash paper were jumbled in with other tricks of the trade. Another box had coins, hollowed out fake cigarettes, and small colored rings. I chuckled. This was the Tom I remembered. After the carnival, he’d spent every spare minute learning sleight-of-hand.
Tom walked up behind me, and I smelled the soap on his skin as he leaned over my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my waist.
“I see you found my toys,” he murmured in my hair.
“Remember the carnival?” I asked, smiling.
He nodded, and I turned in his arms. A backwards baseball cap pulled the long wave of dark hair back from his eyes. His sea green T-shirt matched his eyes.
“Yeah,” he murmured. He leaned in slowly, his breath soft on my face. “You thought I was a brilliant magician even then.”
Heart ramming in my chest, I nodded. Tom looked like he had so many years ago, strong and sure, with humor behind those brilliant eyes. A faint white line in his dark stubble sliced along his jaw. Barely visible now, I could still make out the scar from his father.
“I just pretended to be impressed to get you to like me,” I teased.
“I was hooked the first time I saw you, Ruby,” he breathed.
Tom’s eyes bore into mine, and his hands ran up my back and held me close. Stomach fluttering, I couldn’t speak. When he lea
ned down, I melted against him and closed my eyes. He kissed me softly at first, his lips parting mine slightly, and my breath caught in my throat. I’d missed him so much. Every fiber in my body yearned for him. Tom moved us against the wall, and his breathing hitched, his kisses more urgent. I clutched him and a moan slipped from my throat. All thought flew out of my mind.
“Wait,” he breathed and pulled away. “Wait, Ruby.”
Eyes blurry, I pulled him back, desperate to have him closer, but his hands went to mine and held me away. I looked at him, confused. “What…what’s wrong?”
He stepped back and ran his hands through his dark hair. Longing flashed through his pale eyes, but he took another step back. “We…we can’t do this.”
“Oh…uh.” Ashamed, heat flared across my face and I wiped my lips with the back of my hand, feeling dumb. I wouldn’t look at him. “OK.”
“Ruby, wait…let me explain.” Tom’s voice sounded strained.
I pushed away from him. “Don’t, Tom.” I said through the lump in my throat. I’d let my guard down, let myself float along on the heat of him and I shouldn’t have.
He reached out and caught my sleeve. “Hey, listen—”
I whirled on him, my feelings hurt and my ego dinged. I burned with embarrassment at being rejected. “No, you listen, Tom. You kissed me. You did…I shouldn’t have let you, but I did and then…” I was helpless to stop the tears and angry for being weak. “I should have known better.”
He stood in the corner of the room, his hands in his pockets, his expression sad. Striking and dangerous, I couldn’t keep from wanting him anyway…and that scared me to death.
“I’m sorry I kissed you, Ruby. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” My voice broke. Being with Tom left me broken. Now he was back and my heart was in pieces again despite trying to keep my distance. I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t stop from trembling.
“I missed you so much, Ruby. That’s all. I couldn’t be that close to you and not want you in my arms.” Tom’s gaze bore into mine. “I didn’t stop because I don’t want you; I stopped because I want you too much. We…I, have to do this right.”
Exasperated, I shook my head. “What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘right’? So far, being around you is like being on a runaway roller coaster, Tom. Up and down, here and gone, I don’t know which way is which with you.”
“If you just trust me, Ruby.” Tom tried.
I put my hands up. “Trust you? I should be running from you.” I took in a shaking breath and backed away. “This…you…hurts too much.”
“Ruby…” Pain flooded his pale eyes.
“I can’t stay here with you,” I whispered.
He looked startled. “What?”
“I want to leave,” I said, and crossed my arms. “I won’t stay here with your room full of memories and pictures.”
“Pictures?” Confusion clouded his face.
“Ten years of memories and trips and friends; I’m not in any of them because you left. I’m not betting any more of my life on you. I just…I just can’t trust that you’ll stay around.”
Shaking his head, Tom strode over to me, too close. His expression wounded, he worked his jaw. “I wouldn’t have come back into your life if I didn’t plan on staying, Ruby. Just wait a few days before you make any decisions, OK? Let me get you safe, and then we can worry about what comes next.”
Shaking my head, I pushed on his chest, putting space between us. “But that’s what I’m saying. You’re not safe, Tom. I barely survived when you disappeared last time.” Lip quivering, I looked up at his stunning face and my heart tore apart. “How could you leave me? You were my whole world,” I whispered.
Tom, his face pained, reached out, but I backed up shaking.
“Ruby—”
“You left me in that horrible place! After what we did, after Griffin died, do you have any idea what it was like?” I yelled, interrupting. Anger swelled, pushing aside the hurt. “The whispers and comments followed me everywhere. I had to finish out the year doing my work in the library by myself because no one wanted to work with me.”
Tom’s face fell. He swallowed hard. “I didn’t know, Ruby. I-I wouldn’t have—”
“You just disappeared,” I said and gasped against the pain in my chest. “I was all alone! You left me when you promised you wouldn’t. You left and never even said goodbye.” Sorrow and loss crashed and my breath came in hitches. I shook and cried and screamed at Tom. “You know what, never mind. I don’t want to know why you left. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’ve tried to make a life for myself without you, Tom…and now a nice man, a kind man, wants to be with me, and I’m hurting him because I can’t wrap my mind around you suddenly showing up.”
Tom sank onto the chair near the wall and held his head in his hands. His hair hid his face and all I heard was a deep, shaking sigh.
I watched him silently. The anger burned through, I stood next to him sniffling and feeling lost.
“Are you saying that you have feelings for Ben and I’m getting in the way?” he asked quietly.
“I said I’m confused, and you’re not helping when you play with my heart like this.”
Tom tilted his face up, his gaze so full of ache that I almost started crying again. “I wasn’t trying to play with your heart, Ruby,” he murmured. “I was trying to be honorable. You’ve just been through something terrifying, and I don’t want to take advantage of that. I’ve waited ten years to have you back in my arms; I can wait a little longer. I want…I know that you have doubts, that you have worries and questions. That’s why I stopped.”
I leaned back against the cool wall and closed my eyes. I didn’t know if I could ever stop wondering about whether or not he would leave again. Looking down at his face, he looked like his heart hurt like mine. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I whispered. “To be fair, you did ask me earlier to tell you what I was feeling.”
Tom looked on sadly and stood, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets.
I smiled when I saw that. It was something I used to make him do when we were younger. Only, I had been the one to stop us back then.
“When I do kiss you again, Ruby.” His eyes held mine. “And I mean really kiss you. I want to know that you’re as sure about us as I am.”
I looked down. I didn’t know what to say.
“I should go and talk with Scott. We have to find Lilah as soon as possible. I think she might be in more danger than she realizes,” he said quietly.
“How would you do that, find her?”
“We can research the number she called from.”
I put my hands out. “I lost everything in the fire, including my cell.”
“It should still be on your cell records.” He nodded towards the door. “My supervisor called. I need to get out there.”
“You’re leaving?” I asked surprised. “They want you back undercover, even after the fire?”
“I didn’t tell them about it.”
“Why?”
“Because I broke cover to be with you. I was supposed to be across town last night.”
“But Ben and the paramedics know you were there.”
“I gave them a false name, and Ben didn’t say anything to anyone at the hospital. I asked him not to.”
“Oh.” I wondered if that was enough to keep him safe.
“The guy I’m investigating deals in pharmaceuticals, not street drugs. But he’s not connected, not that I know of, and we had eyes on him last night. He didn’t do the bombing at your clinic.”
“No, I’m pretty sure Antonio did that.”
“Yeah, but why?”
“Because he hates me? Why else?”
“It doesn’t serve any business purpose.” Tom said. “If he wanted your clinic under his control then this doesn’t make sense. What made him go from wanting it to wanting it destroyed? This bombing…something is off about it.”
“So, you’re going to see what you can find out?”
“Yeah.”
I could see him pull away mentally.
Tom was going back to his cover life, back to the criminals. He glanced at me suddenly. “I really hope you stay, Ruby. Don’t go to the hospital today, call in sick.”
“I’m pretty sure Blaine figured that out.”
“I can get whatever you need; you don’t have to go anywhere.” Tom seemed about to jump out of his skin with worry. “I-I can call you in a few hours.”
I took in a deep breath. “You be careful, OK?”
Tom nodded, leaned forward with his hands still in his jeans pockets, and kissed my forehead. “Get some rest, Ruby. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
Tom left, and I locked the door behind him. I glanced at the couch but decided that the files he had on there might be arranged in some sort of significant way. I didn’t move them. I walked to his bedroom and stood in the doorway. It felt weird to sleep in someone else’s home, in their bed. Still, I was exhausted.
I walked in, past his nightstand. A battered Bible sat on the surface, its pages wrinkled and bent. A well-used Bible. I looked at it, puzzled. In the years at Dresden Heights, I shared my faith with Tom, but he never seemed to listen.
I picked it up. A small inscription in gold leaf peeked out from underneath the bent cover. I pulled it back and read it.
Thomas John Masters. May you remain in His hands.
I opened the cover and glanced at the date in the dedication. It was exactly a year to the date from the day he disappeared. The strong slashing script of a man scribbled out a note to the then eighteen-year old Tom.
Tom,
You may seem lost and full of anger now, but you will change. Your walk in a new life starts today. Don’t give up. There is hope, and it is promised to you. Trust in the Father, Who would never hurt you.
“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the Lord. ~ Jeremiah 30:17
Memories of those last few weeks before he disappeared from Dresden Heights flashed behind my eyes. Pain and suffering, fear and death…my spirit broken, I’d closed my heart.
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