“I’m busy,” I tried, but the look on her face said she didn’t buy it any more than I did. “I have a lot of patients.”
“You’re hiding. The shadows and alleys are just as much a home to you as the kids you help,” Lilah said quietly. “I watch you deprive yourself and sacrifice and can’t help but think you’re trying to perform some sort of penance.”
My stomach lurched. How could she see this in me? Hadn’t I done all the right things? Didn’t I have a degree and a selfless job? Shouldn’t my guilt be obscured by my shining accomplishments by now?
“Lilah, I…” I didn’t know what to say and was afraid I’d start to cry.
“Ruby, you said that you feel like you’ve drifted so far from your faith that you can’t find your way back, right?”
“I have, Lilah. I just can’t believe like I did as a kid. I just…” Shrugging, I wiped my face with the tissue and sniffled. The ache in my heart for that peace and confidence threatened to overwhelm me. “I don’t know how to get back to that anymore…or if God even wants me after turning my back on Him for so long.”
“Ah, Ruby—” Lilah tried. “As a Father, God always longs for His children to return, no matter what.”
I stood and headed out of the kitchen. “I-I have to go.” Confusion and sadness welled, and I ran from the table not wanting to fall apart in front of Lilah.
I passed the DEA agents on the couch, all three making it a point to not look up. The silence and tense faces told me they’d heard every word.
Heart pounding, I locked myself in one of the bedrooms and leaned against the cool wall. Silent sobs shook my body, and I struggled to breathe. Sinking onto the floor, I wrapped arms around my knees, rocking.
Maybe this is what it feels like when God forgets about you.
37
The scenes in my dream flipped in rapid succession, like a movie on silent fast forward. I saw myself in front of my ruined car, walking through the wrecked clinic, and nailing up the plywood over the front windows. Talking to Mike the security guard in the parking lot with the paint splashed everywhere, glowing red under a bright yellow moon, I watched the flashes with startling calm.
I turned my head, and I was in the clinic with Tom, watching in slow motion, as his face registered shock at the fireball flying at us. I felt the room jerk and swirl and suddenly I was outside the clinic, watching fiery bottles slam against the plywood windows, not going in. Then Tom and I were running down the hall, the fire licking at the walls but not touching us, never coming close.
An intense wind swirled around me, a silent tornado spinning me in circles. I stopped on a dime, instantly still, as I watched two boys going through Dakota’s car, looking for something. My address. Angry, they brought guns up and fire flew out of them. I covered my eyes.
Another pull, deep in my core, and I rushed through waves of heat. I opened my eyes and saw that I stood in the shelter. All around me, mothers and children moved in slow motion, silently laughing and heading towards the back of the building. The front door opened achingly slow, and I stared, panting at the approaching dark cloud.
Fear boiled in my gut and I felt a scream well up, but a hand wrapped around my waist to pull me away. Tiny’s hands yanked me from the cloud, bringing me towards another door, a bright light. Behind us, the cloud receded. Billowing backwards frantically, it sucked itself back out of the door of the shelter.
Tiny walked with me, and we took the room with us, spinning it like a whirling merry-go-round. Faster and faster we twirled, making me dizzy. Stopping suddenly, we stood in the Sports Medicine Wing. I saw myself wrapping Darnell’s arm. Beyond me, the dark cloud churned and slid across the walls; hungry for me.
My heart ramped up, dread squeezing as I watched my dream-self continue, oblivious. The cloud coalesced into the form of a man. Running, he fired his gun at me. The scene jerked forward in flip book snapshots, the bullets tearing through the room in clear, rippling paths towards me. They missed as Paul pulled me down. I stared, shocked as the rounds hissed by just a hair’s breadth from my temple. The cloud, receded again, swirling violently away, chased by Paul.
I watched, my heart hammering, as the room spun again. The wind whipped me in circles as walls rose up from the ground. I stopped abruptly, everything silent and still. I heard my breath in my head, rapid, uncontrolled.
Looking around, I saw Sheila sitting at her desk in my old home, her body lit from within. Next to her, a bowl of brilliant green sea glass sparkled with reflected light. Longingly, I walked towards her, and she looked up at me and smiled. Overwhelming happiness washed over me and I reached a hand out to her.
Her voice echoed softly in my head. “This is a choosing moment, Ruby.”
****
I woke up with a gasp. My breath came in hitches against the lump in my throat. I hugged the pillow and stared at the ceiling with blurry eyes. Understanding seeped slowly into my thoughts.
Every disaster these past few weeks, every one, served to shield me from a worse fate. Losing my apartment kept me safe from being attacked in it. My windows vandalized, needing plywood, stopped the worst of the firebombs from incinerating Tom and I. The kidnapping saved me from Antonio’s attack at the shelter, and again at the hospital.
Trembling, I shook my head, overwhelmed with the realization that I had been so, so wrong. All the times I’d cried out in my heart, terrified that I was lost, I’d been in His hands. A Psalm from my childhood, a verse I’d clung to at Dresden, flitted through my mind.
If I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me; Your right hand will hold me fast.
I’d believed these words before. Years ago, in a deep darkness, when sorrow and fear threatened to overwhelm, I believed. After all these years, I knew how I made it through that terrible time.
Uncertainty rocked my heart. A looming crossroad raced towards me. If things got worse, could I believe like I once did, or would I let anger and sorrow rip me from my Father’s arms for good?
I padded across the dark room, the worn carpet scratching my bare feet. I slipped my hand on the doorknob, turning it silently. Heart in my throat, I listened over the pounding in my head. The sound of the television floated from the dimly lit living room. There was no way to get past the agents. One was always awake.
A tap at the window sent me whirling to face my bedroom. Gnarled tendrils from the tree just outside squeaked as the wind swayed the branches against the glass. Remembering Brooklyn’s escape I bit my lip, debating.
“Just go, Ruby,” I whispered to myself. “Do it now.”
I crossed to the bed, arranged the pillows to resemble a person snuggled under the covers, and threw my clothes back on. The window opened easily, without a sound. Carefully I pulled the screen into the room and leaned out the window. The drop wasn’t far. I checked my pocket for phone and money. With a final held breath, I dropped out of the window and onto the dirt.
I ran across the yard, scaling the wood fence, and hoping the next yard didn’t have a dog. Breath ragged, I ran across the grass in the dark. I tripped on something, went to my knees, and pain flared up my leg. Ignoring it, I climbed the opposite fence, gritting through the hitch in my side. Landing on the other side with a thud, I looked back, listening.
Nothing.
I limped to the sidewalk and towards the bus stop while I dug in a pocket for my phone. Navigating the online phone directory, I called for a taxi and gave them the cross street. I sat on the bus bench waiting for my ride, bitter adrenaline stinging my tongue. I hoped I could remember where the apartment was.
The cab dropped me off just outside the driveway and I paid without speaking. Passing the dumpsters, I walked up the concrete stairs. Almost losing my nerve, I had to stop from turning away by grabbing the rail with both hands. I’d made it this far.
Taking a breath, I walked up to the door, hoping I’d guessed the right one, and knocked
.
Footsteps within stopped at the door and I saw a flicker of light as the peep hole was covered. Panting away the panic, I smiled with as much confidence I could. The chain clanked against wood as the door opened.
Tom’s bright green eyes looked at me with slack-jawed shock. “Ruby, what are you doing here?”
38
I burst into tears when I saw Tom. He stepped out, gathered me into his arms and buried his face in my hair. “Ruby,” he breathed.
“I-I’m so sorry, Tom.”
“It’s OK,” he murmured and pulled me into the apartment. “It’s all right.”
I twisted my fingers in the material of his T-shirt, sobbing against his chest.
“Ruby, this is so dangerous. How did you get away from the safe house?” He pulled back, worry creasing wrinkles across his forehead. “Did you come by yourself?”
“I had to see you. I couldn’t leave things like we did.” Shaking my head, I pulled on his shirt, desperate to let him know how I felt, but not finding the words. “Tom I—”
Tom put his fingertip on my lip. “I shouldn’t have stormed off like that.”
“You had every right, Tom. I said terrible things. I’m so sorry.”
“No, Ruby, I thought about what you said. And you’re right. I can’t save her.”
“I shouldn’t have said that,” I whispered. Why did I have such a big mouth?
“Come here.” He led me to the couch. Sitting down, he took my hand. “I understand why you said it. I have been doing just that. Chasing the ghost of my past, trying to make it right.” His voice cracked. “But my decision to stick with this operation until it’s finished isn’t about that.”
“Then what is it about?”
The pain in his perfect features sent my heart tumbling. “Ruby, remember all the times we talked on the roof, about your faith? Remember how you used to tell me that I had to choose to believe in God’s promises despite how things looked at the moment? And when things were bad, you’d just say we were in one of those moments?”
Knots twisted my stomach and I searched his face. “Yes.”
Sheila’s words from my dream echoed in my head.
This is a ‘choosing to trust’ moment.
My heart ached.
Tom reached up and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, his eyes sad. “I came to San Diego to find you because I don’t want to chase the past anymore. I want a future, with you, Ruby.”
“Then don’t do this…walk away,” I begged.
Tom’s hands slipped from mine. He ran them through his hair, his eyes closed. When he spoke, his was voice quiet. “Ruby, Antonio tried to kill you in a hospital crawling with witnesses, in broad daylight. Do you think he’s going to stop?”
I opened my mouth to argue but he put his hand up. “We don’t even know who his partner is. Somebody set you up with the Ship-Systems paperwork, Antonio couldn’t have pulled that off. Everything about this case points to an accomplice.”
“The DEA doesn’t have anyone else who has undercover experience?” I wiped at the tears with anger.
“There’s no time, Ruby. We have to do this now, before it blows up in our faces.”
“But why does it have to be you, Tom? Why do you have to risk your life to stop them?”
“Because I love you, Ruby,” Tom said suddenly. “You’re the only one I’ve ever loved and now that you’re right in front of me, I don’t want to let go again. I can’t.”
My heart slammed in my chest, taking my breath away. “Tom…”
He held my gaze. “It took me years to allow myself to believe I could be good for you. It took so long, Ruby…it took us so long to get here.”
My breath caught in my throat and I looked up at him. “I know, Tom.”
He pulled me to his side, and we leaned against each other on the couch.
“I need to finish this. I don’t want us to be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. I don’t want you to live in fear,” Tom said.
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t let go of his arm. I wanted to keep him here where he was real, and warm, and mine.
Please Lord. I won’t survive losing him again.
“Ruby?” Tom whispered. “I need to know you’re with me.”
“If you need to do this, then we do this,” I murmured. “I’m with you no matter what, Tom. No matter what.”
Slowly, gently, Tom wrapped his arms around me. He leaned his forehead against mine and whispered a prayer. My heart fluttered in my chest, listening to Tom’s words.
He prayed for us to survive this terrible situation, for direction. But when he prayed for courage to trust me to his Father’s care, I couldn’t contain the tears.
My body shook with the bittersweet joy of the moment. After so many years of being lost, the love of my life covered me with whispered pleas.
Tom leaned forward and pressed his lips softly to mine, a trembling kiss that made my heart break. I clutched onto him, terrified of letting go. I kissed him back with all the ache and longing of the years we’d lost. I kissed him and hoped desperately it wasn’t our last.
****
Tom called Scott and asked for an extra guard detail. Two male agents arrived at the door ten minutes later. Dressed like Tom in designer jeans and nice shirts, they had the same high-end thug look. To anyone watching they looked like friends of Tom. Once inside, we sat at the small kitchen table and drank coffee in awkward silence.
I sighed. This was going to be a long night.
39
Lopez called bright and early the next morning. I woke, fumbling with the bed sheets, and reached for the phone on the nightstand. Tom, who slept in the living room with the other agents, ran in with the couch pillow still in his arm. He skidded to a stop by the bed, grabbing the phone from my hand.
“Yeah,” he answered.
I watched as he held the phone away from his ear, Lopez’s muffled voice railing out of the headset like an angry bee. Exasperated, Tom’s gaze rested on mine, and I put hands to my mouth, stifling a smile. They’d figured out I wasn’t at the safe house.
“Yes, she’s here,” Tom said evenly. “No, I didn’t call you because I didn’t need to. Scott and Bellows stayed over. We took shifts staying up.”
More angry buzzing, and Tom rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger.
Sitting up, I pulled knees to my chest, watching.
His features tensed, and he sat on the chair next to the bed. His hand rested on my knee, and I reached out and threaded my fingers through his.
“Today, yeah. I’m supposed to meet him at Flow in a few hours.”
He squeezed my hand gently.
“I want her with you,” Tom intoned. Listening, he frowned.
He didn’t like what Lopez said.
I bit my thumbnail, feeling like I’d been caught stealing.
“Because the guys at the safe house obviously aren’t doing a good job of protecting her,” he replied with and edge to his voice.
My stomach clenched with guilt.
“OK, twenty minutes.” Tom checked his watch and then nodded. “One guy in a normal car, not one of those surveillance wrecks.”
He hung up, took a breath, and turned to me. Tension played across his jaw, but his gaze held warmth. “Lopez is sending a car for you, Ruby. You can stay with him during the buy and bust.”
I reached out and touched his shoulder. “I’m sorry about all the problems I’m causing.”
“You’re no problem, Ruby,” Tom said and caught my hand, pecking a kiss on my knuckles “I just need to be sure you’re safe, or I won’t be able to do this.”
“So…buy and bust?” I asked.
“All I have to do is make the buy and the team moves in for a bust. Then we flip Jason and hopefully get Antonio and whoever is supplying the pharmaceuticals.”
“You make it sound easy.” I cleared my throat nervously. “You’ll have back up?”
“Lopez and other agents will be watching the c
lub from down the street, ready to storm in if I need them.”
The lump in my throat made it hard to breathe. “Easy as pie.”
Tom ran his finger down the bridge of my nose. “Once we have these guys, you won’t have to look over your shoulder anymore. You can start to rebuild your practice…this is just one last thing to get back on track.” His voice made me feel better.
“OK,” I said.
Tom nodded resolutely. “OK. Let’s get ready then.” He left, closing the door.
I got ready in less than fifteen minutes. Tom waited outside the bedroom door, and I could hear him pacing back and forth.
“We gotta go, Ruby.”
I tore out of the room, and Tom caught me in his arms. “Not yet,” he murmured.
Strong hands pulled me close, taking my breath away. He pressed lips against mine sending flares of sparks through me. My world pinpointed to just us, just this moment. I snaked my fingers through his hair and gasped at the heat of his kisses.
He pulled back, a smile spreading across his face. “Now you can go.”
A bit unsteady, I put a hand to my face. “See you soon.”
I rode with Scott and Bellows to an empty storefront that used to be a nail salon. Scott explained that the owner let the DEA use it for surveillance since it was only a block from Flow. I followed them in and saw Lopez sitting at the front reception desk. He didn’t look happy.
“We’re just about to get things going, so try to stay out of the way.”
A man I recognized from the Sports Medicine Wing shoot-out sat at one of the nail tables looking bored.
“Tom’s meeting them just down the street, right?” I asked nervously.
Nodding, Lopez put his finger up in front of my face. “Hold on a second.” He motioned for someone by the back door.
A petite woman, young and pretty, walked over to us. Her jacket bulged with a sidearm.
“Dr. McKinney,” she said and smiled warmly. “Let me fill you in OK? My name is Dorris Sagebrush. I work with Tom.”
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