by Valia Lind
"You're killing me!" she screams, her voice unnaturally deep, almost demonic. I flinch, unable to control just how much sorrow it brings me to watch her like this. "You bastard! I trusted you! I thought you'd keep me safe! But you're killing me. It's your fault. All of this is your FAULT, Logan!"
She screams the words over and over, until they become a second noise in the room. Like a soundtrack to the horror I'm witnessing. Tasia is covered in sweat, which drips down into the floor as she continues to swing her body, trying to get out of the restrains. I want to cover my ears, curl up on the floor, and pretend I'm not watching the girl I love act as if she's possessed by a demon. But I don't reach for my ears. I don't walk out of the room.
Because I deserve every moment of this. I know she's trying to hurt me with her words, but she's right. It is my fault. I allowed her to go back to Foster when I knew we needed to get out. Hell, I held her hand and walked her right into the lion's den myself. I should've grabbed her and ran. I should've been resilient enough to talk her out of her crusade. I should've tried harder.
Shaking my head, I close my eyes and push away the thoughts rushing through my mind. As terrible as I'm feeling about this, I could've never talked her out of it and I know it. She makes her own choices, she always has. It was never my duty to keep her from her decisions, I was there to be a support. A pillar. While I failed at that, and will blame myself for it for the rest of my life, I'm not the one to control her.
Glancing up, I notice Tasia's eyes on me, her lips curling up in a smug smile, even through the pain. That's when I understand.
It's her screams.
Her screams are like subliminal messages, pushed into my head. As she repeats the words over and over, they evoke images inside of my head that make it seem like what she's saying is truth. I stare at her in shock, because I have no words for what she's become.
I walk backwards toward the door, keeping my eyes on Tasia. She's stopped screaming, but I can see her body shake as she tries to keep the pain inside. More than anything, I wish I could go to her. She sees the yearning in my gaze and smiles wider. But a whimper escapes her partially open mouth, before she claps it down again. Tasia shuts her eyes against the assault on her senses and I take that as my escape.
Reaching behind me, I pull the door open just a bit and after one last look at her, slip away. I need to be stronger if I'm going to stay in there. I can't keep letting her words get under my skin. I'm here to help her, to get her back. Her powers of suggestion cannot be my downfall. Not when we're this close.
I walk out to the main room, stopping in my tracks when I see Freddie seated at a table. His laptop is open in front of him, but he's looking at me. There's pain in his eyes and for some reason, I know what I'll see on that screen.
"It's not her," he says, turning the screen toward me. It's the video feed from inside the room, with the sound muted. But I can see Tasia's mouth open in a silent scream. Freddie must've seen everything that happened while I was in there.
"I know," I finally state, looking away from the screen and running my hand over my face. I'm exhausted, but I will not rest until this is over. None of us will.
"She had you, for a just a moment," Freddie continues, as I take a seat on the couch. He makes it sound like a question and a statement at the same time. Glancing up, I notice the concern in his eyes and I wish he would save that for someone who needs it more. Because I certainly don't deserve it.
"I knew what she was doing, but it's like I couldn't help it." I reply, keeping my gaze from wandering to the screen beside Freddie. "She's definitely been brainwashed. There's no way the drug could cause this much personality change."
"I agree," Freddie says, turning back to his computer and pulling up a new screen. From my position, I can tell it's a graph of some kind, with plenty of colors to confuse anyone but Freddie. "This is what I've been able to gleam from Blake and her behavior."
Standing, I walk over to peer over Freddie's shoulder. He's organized every moment of time since Blake has been abducted to now. Her sleeping, eating, screaming patterns have all been categorized and assembled.
"After studying this graph with a fresh set of eyes, I realized that her 'mood swings' as we'll call it, coincide with the same time signature, every couple of days." He points to the darker areas on the graph and I see what he means. Every three days, around three o'clock in the afternoon, is when Blake begins to show restlessness. Before she has a full out screaming episode.
"I think what you said about having a way to deliver new dosages of the drug is true. If we're to follow the pattern presented here, they brainwash them, pumping them with the drug in patterns. Then, once the person has been rehabilitated under their command, they administer the drug in the same patterns, to keep the momentum going, so to speak." Freddie's voice holds a tone of bitterness and I can't blame him. This makes me sick to my stomach.
"So Tasia must be on some sort of a schedule as well. When I found her at the compound, she seemed to have been at the end of it."
"That's what I understood from Calen's recap as well," Freddie says, typing a few words into the command bar and bringing up a different graph. This one has Tasia's name on it. "Obviously, I only have minimal information on her, but having her here will help fill in the gaps."
I nod, because I can't really bring myself to say anything. Everything we find out about this company makes me hate them more and more. I can't image the horrors they can do with this kind of a drug. The military could certainly find a way to use it to their advantage and no wonder the general wants his hands on it so bad. Especially this new version, that reacts with a certain amount of brain stimulation.
"How long before her next dosage?" I ask, knowing we have to find a way to stop the drug from entering her veins.
"From her behavior, I say we have less than half an hour. I think she's induced more often than Blake. It's only been a full day since you brought her here. " Freddie states, pulling up the surveillance video of her in the other room. "The place is protected and they cannot trace her here, but if she does have something inside of her that will go off in twenty minutes, I'm not sure we have enough time to stop it from happening."
If they really have her on a daily rotation, how dangerous is she to them? I can't imagine them keeping such a close watch over Blake, as she only received replenishing every three days. Cringing at the thought of Tasia going back to her cold exterior, I can't help but think that at least she's not in pain when she's like that. I shake the thought away, knowing I can't be so soft as to think of my own feelings. It's about her and we need to find a way to save her.
Isn't that what all of this is about? Save the girl. Save the world.
* * *
Calen arrives mere five minutes after Freddie calls him.
The safe house must be a lot closer than I thought, which is a good thing and a bad thing at this point.
"Did you bring it?" Freddie asks, by the way of greeting. Calen doesn't answer, just hands over the box, which holds the x-ray machine and the other computer.
"Where's Blake?" I ask, when Calen doesn't move to go back outside.
"I left her at the house." He replies, not meeting my eyes.
"What?" Losing my cool won't do anyone any good, but I can't help it. "Calen, she's not safe there. Not by herself."
"She's locked in the room and sedated, okay?" he snaps and I see the shame written all over his face. Instantly, I feel guilty for snapping at him. He's not a stupid guy and doing what needs to be done is weighing on him, just like it is on the rest of us.
"I prepared a number of injections for Blake," Freddie speaks up, unlocking the box and pulling out the machine. "They're to be administered right around the time her other dosages are supposed to be and I hope they counteract the affect. Until we figure out how to get whatever it is inside of her, out."
He continues to set up the equipment, while Calen watches with a dejected look on his face. I shouldn't be snapping at anyone right no
w, let alone the guy who's become a brother to me.
"Sorry, man. I didn't mean to question you." I say, hoping my words offer some kind of an encouragement.
"I know, mate. I just...I don't like any of this. I hate that Blake has to be kept in a cage and pumped with drugs. How are we any better than the monsters who did this to her?" It's one of the questions I keep asking myself. Especially after seeing the effect of what we're doing on Tasia.
"We are better. Because we are trying to stop them. You have to remember that we're helping."
"What if they think they're doing the same?" his quiet question stops both Freddie and me in our tracks.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Think about it. What if 'helping' is exactly what Kallos thinks they're doing? How are we any different from them?"
"Calen," Freddie says, rising from his position at the table. "Our methods may be similar at this point, but it's only because Kallos has forced our hand. We cannot allow Blake and Tasia to continue in this state. You know that. Don't doubt it now." He clasps his hand over Calen's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze.
We're all dejected-- discouraged-- at this point. It would be easy to lose sight of what we're doing and the reasons behind it. But we won't. Not if we keep each other together and accountable.
"Okay, let's do this," Calen says, reaching for the portable computer, as Freddie gives him a small smile and grabs the x-ray machine. As we walk to the room, I know that things are about to get a thousand times harder.
When the door opens, the screams pour out. The space feels filled with them, as if they are tangible objects, spilling out over our feet. I've never been so emotional or melancholy until I fell in love. But now, we have a job to do, so there's no room for feelings. To get through this, I have to be as unaffected as Tasia. Freddie walks in first and as soon as Tasia's eyes land on him, the hatred is there.
"Well, if it isn't my ever so helpful uncle," she growls, now drenched in sweat. Her hair hangs around her in wet chunks and even from here, I can tell her wrists and legs are bloodied from where she's been trying to get out of her restrains.
"Hello, hummingbird." Freddie replies and if I wasn't watching Tasia so closely, I might've missed the fleeting emotion there. The nickname does something to her and the drug fights to push it down.
"I'll hurt you," she growls again, but this time, it's more of a warning than a threat. Freddie takes a step closer anyway, and I could swear she moves away from him, just a bit.
"You can and you probably will," Freddie continues his progress to her, but he doesn't flinch like I did. The man is stronger than anyone gives him credit for. "And if you do, I still won't leave. Just remember that. You're like a daughter to me and no matter what you do, that won't change. Ever."
He speaks the words softly, but even I can hear the emotion behind them. He's standing beside her in the next moment, and she's frozen with that panicked look on her face. It's the same one I remember seeing the first time she realized how she felt about me. When I told her how I felt. Freddie doesn't squander the opportunity, as his arm shoots out and injects her with a substance he created.
She screams like a wounded animal, backing farther away from Freddie and into the chair. There's a moment where her face looks almost peaceful, before she strikes out again. She lunges at Freddie, drawing more blood from her restrains and he takes a small step back, still keeping close to her side. It's me who stumbles back, broken by the pain so clearly visible on Tasia's face.
"You can't save me," she whispers, as her screams become choked at the back of her throat. "You'll die for nothing."
Once again, these words are spoken with a hint of emotion, with a hint of the past Tasia. Seeing the real her through all of the agony, if only for a second, brings tears to my eyes, that I can't hold back. That I don't want to hold back. Now I'm the one taking a step forward.
"We will save you. Do you hear me?" I say, moving past Freddie and stopping right in front of her. I can feel Freddie's hand on my arm, ready to pull me back, but I lean even closer. "I am never giving up on you, princess. Don't you doubt that for a second. We will save you."
One of my tears makes it down my cheek, falling onto her own. The medication Freddie administered works fast, as she is already half asleep. But for just a second, I see her eyes clear as she looks at me and the hope I've been holding onto so tightly gets another boost. She opens her mouth to speak, but before she can, the sedative overtakes her and she closes her eyes in dreamless sleep.
I shut my own eyes against the uncertainties, leaving my forehead against her own, wanting to be closer still. It's like I'm on a roller-coaster of emotion and every time I feel like I've plummeted down to earth, there's another drop right around the corner. I remember how unsure Tasia was of herself, especially in those last few weeks before the drug completely overtook her. How her emotions were all over the place. It's like I'm experiencing all of that now and if Freddie didn't insist on checking Calen and I every time we came back from a mission, I would think I was under the influence as well. I'm not sure how long I would've stayed there if I didn't feel Freddie's arm, tugging me gently away.
"Come on, Logan. We have work to do," he says and I take a step back. Looking up, I notice tears in Calen and Freddie's eyes as well and I draw strength from my team. No, not a team. More than that.
A family.
10.
You're back in the field, standing right in the midst of tall grass and flowers.
You remember this place, but it's like it's almost a memory, not quite completely there. The butterflies are gone and so is the pain. There's a blissful peace that seems to float around you like a light breeze and all you want to do is fall right into it with open arms.
There's a noise behind you and you turn in time to see the darkness descend on the picturesque surroundings. It's as if a black cloud slowly moves over the trees and the grass, killing everything in the process.
You want to run, but just like before, your feet won't move. You are never in control of yourself here. You are never capable of leaving, no matter how much you want.
You hear voices, somewhere above you, maybe all around you. You want to answer, but nothing comes. You know those voices, you understand the words they speak, but the darkness is coming, closer closer still.
You don't understand any of this, you never have. How does one come to be in a place like this? You need help and the voices say that they will help, but the darkness tries to drown them out and it almost succeeds.
Then the rain comes. You feel it on your skin like a caress, turning your face up to the sky. If the rain can still come, then you can still be saved.
You hear the voices say that they'll save you and for the first time in a long time, you believe them.
* * *
The second safe house has become a more lived in place, than even the first one. At least, by me. There are blankets on the couch, dishes in the sink and cartons of take out on the counter. I can't bring myself to leave her side, not even for an hour. At this point, we have basically put all of our other missions on hold. None of this will matter if we can't get through to her.
She's been in and out of the delirious state for five days now. Freddie is trying to see if he can come up with a better system, but keeping her nearly catatonic is the only thing that's working at the moment. It hurts all of us to see her like this, but we can't let the drug win.
"Please eat something, or Freddie will have my hide," Calen states, walking into the room with a pizza box. They've been taking turns, coming in with food and water, to keep Tasia and I healthy. She's refusing to eat anything at this point and I can't bring myself to do so either. But I know Calen isn't playing around and Freddie will come down here and put an IV in me for nutrition if I don't comply. It's what we had to do with Tasia.
"How is she?" Calen asks, following my gaze to the computer screen, where we can see Tasia sleeping. The time for her new dosage has come and gone, and thankfully, s
he's been out for it. After the x-rays, we have discovered the same small anomalies as with Blake and now think they're capsules that break at certain times. However, the more we study them, the harder it seems to get them out without breaking them all at once and killing Tasia in the process. The amount of dosages left in her will surely kill her.
A part of me is afraid that Foster will do just that, when he can finally hone in on her location. But at the same time, I'm hoping she's too important to him to try. It would be helpful if we could find the bastard, because I would ask him myself. And then probably shoot him in the face.
"She's still out. I administered Freddie's concoction to counteract the drug, but I'm not sure how long it'll keep working. Her molecular structure is so different from Blake, she reacts to everything in a different way."
Calen nods, because it's the same thing Freddie said to us four days ago. We're trying to keep reminding each other of the facts, if only to keep sane. There's not much more we can do at this point.
"The general called again," Calen says and it's not a question, as he looks at the phone in my hands. I just hung up with him, when Calen walked in the door.
"He wants an update, which I can't give him, because it's not as if he knows we have Tasia. He's still angry about the compound fire, but he can't prove it was me either." I reply, sighing. "On top of that, he wants me out in the field, while I'm still useful to him. His words, not mine, and I can't leave. I just can't."
The words rush out of me, as if I won't admit to this if I don't say it fast. I'm admitting a lot of things recently, areas of my life that I would not even touch with a ten foot pole. But Calen won't judge. Neither would Freddie for that matter. It's just not the kind of people they are. I'm not exactly used to that.
"You might have to rethink that position, mate," Calen says, taking me by surprise. I glance up, just as he hands me folder I didn't notice he was carrying. "Take a look."