by Valia Lind
She looks younger like this. The years of the pain and hate melting away like snow in the spring. But I'm not naive enough to hope that she's resting. The battle she's fighting is much more difficult than the physical one. She's at war with herself and there's nothing I can do to help her.
That's the hardest truth to be okay with. Not being able to help the person you love. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be able to fight alongside her. Or better yet, fight for her.
But she's not one to have her battles fought by others. That's why she's always been in the front lines. Her family couldn't have talked her out of this self made mission if they tried for a million years. From the moment she lost her parents, Tasia became a soldier. In the years since then, this has become much bigger than just one family and she won't be able to live with herself if she loses. That much I do know. It's why I had no choice but to carry on for her. I've taken this mission as my own and that won't change even when she's back. When, not if.
She taught me how to be a better person, even before I realized I needed the lesson. Her hand relaxes in mine, but I still don't move. The feel of her skin against mine is like coming home. More than anything I want her to open her eyes and be her again.
"Fight whatever battle you need to fight, Princess," I whisper, watching her face cloaked in shadows. "I'll be here, waiting. You are not alone."
If the only thing I do in my life is stay by her, I will be here. Always.
15.
LOGAN
The general calls the next morning, to check in.
He's been surprisingly patient, keeping mostly to whatever secret plan that's he's devising. I'm not privy to that particular information, because he doesn't trust me. Which is just fine with me. We have our own plans to make.
"I'll be at the event in two days," the general states by the way of greeting. "I expect you to be nowhere near it. I don't need unnecessary complications."
Keeping my face clear of all emotion, I nod my head in response. At this point, I'm not exactly sure why he even calls. Keeping tabs on me is the only plausible explanation. Not that he'd actually be able to find me, not with the amount of safe guards Freddie has enacted. I think we're done and I get ready to disconnect, when the general leans closer to the screen.
"Where is she, Logan?" he asks, staring right at me.
It takes me a second to react, but I've been expecting this. "If you mean Tasia, we haven't been able to pinpoint her whereabouts in weeks."
"Don't lie to me boy," he snaps, his voice dangerously low. "According to my contacts within Kallos, she's been missing since the little fire show you claim you had nothing to do with at the compound."
Setting my features to pensive with a hint of worry, I lean back in my chair, before replying. "If that's the case, then Foster must have something big planned. He wouldn't hide away his biggest weapon for nothing."
"You think Foster is behind this?"
"Or whoever he works for."
I can't pretend to be too nonchalant, not after the way the general has accused me of caring. So I let some of my anxiety shine through and I see his shoulders relax just a bit. He's not as unreadable as he likes to think he is.
But maybe it's me who's the relaxed one in this, because it takes the general a full thirty seconds to put his mask back on and stare me down.
"You think I'm stupid?" he asks, leaning forward in his seat.
"I think that if I knew anything, you'd be the first call I'd make." I say it like I believe it, years of practice staining every word. However, the suspicion is there, I can see it in his eyes. The last few months have taken care of whatever small leeway I had in that department. Now, I have to play twice as hard for the same type of results. If he suddenly trusts me now, I would know something is wrong.
"For your sake, I hope you're telling the truth."
With that, he disconnected.
Taking a deep breath, I click out of the call window and turn to see Calen and Freddie by the door.
"Everything okay?" Freddie asks, coming farther into the room. I'm not sure how long they stood there, which shows how tired I truly am. There's concern in the way they watch me and I really need to step it up with my game face. It's a hard thing to do, considering the amount of time we've spent together. So instead of minimizing what I'm feeling, I tell them the truth.
"I'm not sure," I reply, the small talk with the general leaving me uneasy. He wanted something. He definitely had a plan in his little check in call and I just hope that whatever it was, he didn't get it.
"Are you still planning on going?" Calen asks, taking a seat at his desk. Studying the two men who've become my family, I notice just how tired they look. It's as if every day adds another couple of pounds to the weight they already carry.
"Yes," I say, because I have no other choice. Backing out or playing it safe won't get us anywhere. We've been stuck in one place for so long, I'm not sure we can even find the end to the cycle.
If I can get in and glimpse something that will give us the push we've been looking for, it's worth the risk. Since this is Foster's first event back, everyone will be there. Such a public display of well being and good graces is exactly what the company needs. There will be a lot of people there who have been staying off the radar. Many of Kallos supported stay off the grid, so getting in to get pictures for facial recognition will pay the risk in gold. We definitely don't have all the players on the board and we need to know who we're up against, if we're to win.
"It's time to stop playing on the defensive," I say. "It's time to go all in."
Getting up, I stretch out my tired limbs and head to the kitchen. This may not be the best plan, but it's the best plan we've got, so I have to go through with it.
"You need to get some sleep," Freddie comments, as I place a piece of bread in the toaster. I've been waiting for him to comment on either my nutrition or sleep, there's a definite lack in both of those areas.
"I'll sleep..."
"You'll sleep now," he interrupts, his voice firm. "There's barely two days between now and the event. You need to be at one hundred percent. You're nowhere near."
I'd feel offended, if it wasn't so true. Studying his face, I know there's no use arguing with him. He'll ban me from Tasia without a second thought. Grabbing a piece of toast, I nod at Freddie and Calen and head toward the back room. My body is beyond exhausted, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to relax my mind enough to actually sleep. I want to go check on Tasia, but if I go in there now, I won't be able to make myself leave.
Laying down on the bed, I stare up at the ceiling, my mind running in circles. That's all I feel like I've done; run in circles. If we're to make it out alive, things needed to start happening and they needed to start happening soon. As if on its own accord, my mind reaches out to the girl few doors down. Feeling myself relax, I pray that she too can rest.
* * *
You open your eyes to a bright sky. The four walls around you stand erect, but no longer confining. You watch the clear blue above you as if you haven't seen it in years. You feel the sunshine on your face, even though there's no sun.
You think you can stay here forever.
No responsibilities.
No laughter.
No Logan.
Logan.
The name slams into you like a bullet. An array of images assault your mind from every side.
Logan as an enemy.
Logan as a friend.
This is not the first time you have struggled with knowing which picture is the right one. Which part of yourself you can trust.
But his voice is what finally breaks through the doubt. It's that sound that makes all the difference. He's been calling out to you for so long, you fear he's going to give up soon.
The images come again, this time with more intensity, but instead of cowering, you invite them in. You let them, and the pain that follows closely on their footsteps, descend on you like a flock of butterflies.
That's when you feel
them on your skin. The sky gets darker as they surround you, getting lower and lower. But it's different. This time, you don't push them away. You don't run in fear. You don't want them gone. You hear his voice telling you that you're stronger than this and you let the butterflies come.
16.
LOGAN
"Logan," Calen's voice drifts through the barely there fog of sleep. Without wasting a second, I'm pushing to my feet, because there's urgency in his voice I haven't heard in a while. Staring at him, I try to push the exhaustion away and wait for him to speak.
"What is it?" I finally ask, but I don't wait to hear what he has to say. There's a look on his face I can't describe, and he doesn't speak up when I expect him. He's taking too long so I push past him and out of the room. My eyes zero in on the open door few feet down and then I'm running.
Pausing at the doorway, I see that there is no one inside and the world drops out from under me. I feel Calen move behind me and I turn to see that strange expression on his face that I thought was concern. He points in the direction of the main room, still not saying a word, and this time, I don't run. I'm not sure what I expect to find when I walk to the front of the house, but it's not Tasia sitting on the couch, a sweater around her shoulders, and a mug filled with something warm in her hands.
I freeze in my tracks, wondering if I'm still sleeping or if my exhaustion has led to hallucinations. Then, her eyes meet mine and they're clearer than I've seen them in months. She hands the mug to Freddie, who is sitting beside her and then she's moving towards me. She's weak from days of barely there sustenance and a lot of strenuous activity, so I'm the one to catch her when she stumbles.
"Logan," she whispers into my shoulder, her arms coming weakly around me. I cradle her to me, knowing that if this is a dream, I'm never waking up. Holding her close, feeling her heart beat to the rhythm of my own, this is what coming home feels like.
"What happened?" I finally ask, surprised to hear my voice catch. Tasia leans back just a bit, and I steer her back to the couch, sitting down in Freddie's abandoned spot.
"I broke through," she says, smiling up at me. Clearly exhausted, she still manages to look proud with herself. But I can't trust this, not when it seems too good to be true.
"Freddie?" I turn to the man hovering close by and see that there's no apprehension in his steady gaze. She's not lying.
"As far as the tests go, the drug is barely present. And the amount that is, seems to be dormant."
"I don't understand...how long have I been asleep?" I muse out loud.
"It was all in my head, Logan. The drug was just a small part of it." Her voice sounds hoarse, the strain of the last week evident with every word. "When Foster found out that it reacts differently with my DNA, he decided that experimenting is the way to go. But not in the way he was experimenting at that community. He didn't want me to forget areas of my life. He wanted me to remember them in a different way."
"Like brainwashing," I state.
"Exactly like brainwashing," she agrees. "He needed a guinea pig and who's better than I. When the bomb went off at the event, and I got knocked down, it's like something shook loose in my mind. The drug and all the subliminal messages he has been delivering my way since the warehouse assaulted me at once. I wasn't myself anymore."
"I think she suffered a mild concussion. That would be enough to lower her mental defenses," Freddie supplies, seeing the confusion in my face.
"I think so too," Tasia agrees, taking another sip of her drink. Her skin looks pale, and there are bags under her eyes. She probably shouldn't be talking this much either, but it's as if she has to let it all out.
"After I got Foster out of there, he took me to a secure location. I was blindfolded and held in complete darkness for days. Once they untied me, I was put through a number of exercises, bombarded by images at every turn. I don't remember much, but I remember the butterflies. They were used as a protective barrier and a trigger."
"No wonder you mumbled about them so much," I say softly and she nods.
"It was my way of coping, until they turned against me. It was the biggest battle of wills and it was all in my head."
She grows quiet at that and I'm not sure what to say. Offer of comfort or encouraging words seem empty here. What I want to do is pull her back into my arms and never let go. But there are more pressing matters.
"How do you know you won't revert?"
I know I'm asking the unpopular question, but it's her safety I'm concerned about, as much as our own.
"I don't." The honesty behind her words squeezes at my heart. "Uncle Freddie is monitoring me and if I feel compromised at any point, I'm going back into that room. But we're going to take the distributor out from under my skin and that will help."
"So we were right about that," I say and she nods again.
We sit in silence for a full minute, before I realize Calen and Freddie have left the room. I'm not sure what to say to her after all this time. There are a million speeches in my head, rehearsed phrases that I've gone over a hundred times. I feel like I've failed her and I'm not sure a simple sorry will ever suffice.
"Logan," she's the first to speak and I can't stop myself from looking down into her eyes. "I don't want you to blame yourself anymore. I know that's what you've been doing," she smiles, when I open my mouth to contradict her. Reaching over, she takes one of my hands into both of hers and holds on.
"If it was anyone's fault besides Foster's, it would be mine. I should've never gone into that community. I should've never been naive enough to think that he wasn't smarter than I am. My pride is what led to my downfall and that's the basic truth."
We grow quiet again and I see just how much she wants me to accept what she just said. But I still can't.
"I should've saved you," I whisper, because it's my truth that I've carried with me. My burden.
"I needed to save myself," she counters and I see a glimpse of her old spark. "You have always known that I needed to do this myself, even though you wanted to do it for me. You let me be my own hero, Logan. There's no greater gift than that."
Shifting in my seat, I wrap my arms around her shoulders and bring her to my side. We don't speak again, soaking in this moment of normalcy, before our world goes back to black. Finally, I have her back and I'll fight anyone who will every try to take her away from me.
Never again.
TASIA
Shower is the first thing I do as soon as I'm strong enough to stand on my own two feet. It's been too long since I've had the luxury. The anger I feel at Foster for robbing me of this small thing is beyond controllable. I wasn't lying to Logan that I'm back. But I'm also not completely myself. There are parts of me that I can feel are fighting each other. Aspects of my personality that are missing because they've been dormant for months.
I'm broken.
I'm lost.
I'm enraged.
The water feels heavenly on my skin, keeping me in the here and now. I wish it had the power to wash away the last few months forever. I don't want to constantly fight to stay me, but I also know that's exactly what I'll have to do. And I'll have to do it quietly.
There's no way I'm sitting on the sidelines. Logan won't let me be part of the mission, but it's not his decision to make. This was my mission from the very beginning. Pulling me out, or trying to keep me safe, was never on him. Without needing to be told, I already know that they're planning something. There was that look in their eyes as I was led to the shower. They're deciding on whether or not to tell me what they're doing next. But I'm not about to let them decide anything for me.
I've had Foster do that to me for long enough.
With my eyes closed, my mind falls back into itself and I feel like I'm in that meadow again. The butterflies descending. Before I can allow them to take their place in my head, I push them away. I push it all away. My fingers curl into my skin, biting into the flesh, the pain of the reality keeping me grounded.
"Are you okay?" Logan's vo
ice comes through the door, jerking me to attention. Exhaling, I relax my hands, before calling out.
"I'll be out in a few."
Going back out there will require all of my acting skills. My body has betrayed me and so has my mind. But no more. I started this and it's about time I finish it.
Drying off and getting dressed is difficult on my own, but I manage. Uncle Freddie will have to doctor my bandages again, but they're no longer fresh wounds and for that I am thankful. There will be a lot of healing to do, this is just some of it.
When I walk into the main room, they're already waiting for me. There's so much emotion behind their eyes, it almost takes my breath away. I can't imagine what they've gone through these last few months. But apologies and second guesses have no place here. I have to act like business as usual.
"What's the plan?" I ask, hoping that I sound more confident than I feel. The various aspects of my personality are pushing at me from all sides. I don't feel the effects of these memories just yet, but I have a feeling that I will.
"You really should rest," Calen says, walking up to me with a plate of food. While I'm not sure how much of this I can get down, I take it appreciatively.
"I'll rest. But first, I'd like to be brought up to speed." Taking a bite of the sandwich, I wait for someone to speak up. Instead, I'm met with silence again. I notice that look pass between all three of them and I want to scream.
"What?"
"Hummingbird," Uncle Freddie begins, studying me carefully. "We don't think it's such a good idea for you to be involved."
"I'm already involved. I've been involved longer than any of you." My voice comes out harsher than I intend it to, my annoyance level rising. There is no way I'm losing control in front of them, but it's taking everything in me to stay calm.
"As awful as this may sound," Uncle Freddie continues, taking a cautious step toward me, like he would with a cornered animal. "You are compromised."