by Valia Lind
I can feel my blood boil, my bones vibrating with pain. My body wants to twist and turn, but the drug is keeping me paralyzed and I'm thankful for small favors. The red behind my eyelids is the color of blood, as I squeeze my eyes against the pain. Suddenly, I come back to myself and I can hear them shouting behind me.
"What's happening?" Logan yells over my screams.
"I don't know!"
"Pull it out now, just do it."
"I'm hurting her!"
I can't decipher the voices as they argue, as I'm blinded by the agony in my body. Just as suddenly as the pain came, it stops. My breathing levels and I hear panting from all around me. I feel raw all over, exposed in ways I've never imagined. My energy is so spent, I can't even bring myself to turn my head. So I lay in one spot, waiting for this to be over.
"Almost done," Calen finally whispers behind me. I don't know how much time goes by, but then Calen is kneeling in front of me, his face full of worry.
"We got it out, T," he says softly, watching me. "I stitched you back up, but you need rest. The paralysis should fade in another thirty minutes or so. We'll take you to the other room."
He speaks carefully, as if guarding his words, and I know he's not telling me something. There's an undercurrent in his tone that I know too well. He's hiding whatever happened, trying to protect me again.
I open my mouth to ask the question but my throat is parched. Calen reaches for a cup of water, placing a straw between my lips. I drink as if I've never had water before. The cold liquid makes its way through my body, cooling it, ever so slightly, in the process.
Once I've drank enough, I clear my throat and try again. "What happened?"
At first, they're doing that silence thing that I've come to despise so much. It's like I'm not even in the room, as if they're deciding what they're going to do with me. It's Logan who finally answers.
"It was attached to your rib and it's..." he trails off, unsure how to continue.
"It's what?" Never have I ever wanted the use of my limbs back. I need to be sitting up for this conversation, if only to show them that I'm tired of these half answers.
"It's not what we expected," Logan finally concedes.
"Someone give me a straight answer already," I snap, my patience close to nonexistent. There's movement and then Uncle Freddie is kneeling in front of me. He's holding a tray and he moves it where I can see what's on it.
What I find is an oval tube that looks remarkably like a centipede. The middle is almost clear, with a bunch of tiny legs sticking out from both sides of it. I expected a capsule -- we saw a capsule on the x-rays -- but the tiny legs are not visible on it.
"It was attached to the bone. And it was moving when we opened you up."
"You mean," I'm not even sure how to wrap my mind around it. "It was acting like it was alive?"
"Yes," Uncle Freddie replies. "It protected itself from the assault. That's the pain you felt. But we cut it out."
Not sure how to reply to that, I stare at the device, thinking over all the possibilities this provides. It makes sense. Why the vials are never in the same spot. How they distribute the drug into my system on a schedule. It's as if it's an actual insect, and it was just laying eggs.
Kallos is a lot farther along in their plans than we all anticipated.
* * *
Sleep comes a lot easier than I predicted, but I guess that's what happens when your body is beyond exhaustion. However, it doesn't last as long. The butterflies wake me.
Opening my eyes, I stare at the dark ceiling, trying to remember exactly what it was in the dream that made me feel so uncomfortable. After a few minutes, I still have nothing.
I feel that my body is betraying me. The more I try to understand what's happening, the more confused I become. There isn't a doubt in my mind that I don't have important information stored in me from the time I spent with Foster. But it's as if the moment I woke to myself, that information got pushed so far down, I can't seem to get to it.
It's frustrating knowing that I have all the ammunition I may need and I can't use any of it. I know Uncle Freddie, Calen and Logan all have questions for me. I just wish that I had some answers. Actually, any answers would be helpful right now.
I start to turn to my side, before remembering the stitches. Sleeping on my back is less than desirable. Especially after all the time I spent sleeping just like this in the last week. I've always slept better on my stomach, but that'll have to wait.
My mind can't help but to return to the device that Calen pulled out of me. There's no way I excepted anything of the sort and that scares me. It scares me so much more than I will ever let on. Here we thought that Kallos was only in the beginning stages of the drug production, but they've already engineered the perfect distribution device. How are we supposed to stop someone who is so much farther ahead of it all? It's the kind of technology that's seen in movies, not real life.
Uncle Freddie demanded I go straight to bed after the surgery. They carried me in here, depositing me on the bed, before leaving me alone. I have no doubt they're in the main room, researching away, while I lay here.
This is the hardest part for me. I've always been the one in the front. This has always been my mission. When I got lost -- it's the best description I have -- they took on my mission as their own. And that scares me more than I will ever let on. I know my own determination, I know how far I'm willing to go in order to see Kallos burn. And if my family has half of the drive I do, they will get hurt and it'll be all my fault.
The door opens and I turn my head to see Logan peaking in. He sees that I'm awake and after what seems like a weighing of the options, he finally steps in. I can't imagine how strange it is to be in the same room with me right now. How difficult it is to trust the fact that I won't turn again. As much as I'd like to be the brave one and speak, I don't. I wait for him.
Logan comes farther into the room, pulling up a chair next to my bed. He sits so he's facing me, but can't seem to meet my eye. I wish there was a magic word I could say to make it all okay, but alas, that's not how life works.
"How are you feeling?" Logan finally asks and I know it's not the question that's on his mind. I've learned to recognize his voice a long time ago and I know when he's trying to keep himself back. He's being careful with me and a huge part of me wants to be offended and lash out. But I don't.
"Tired, but can't really sleep. Have you guys been able to find anything out from that...bug?"
"Uncle Freddie and Calen are still working on it. But they definitely think that the bug has a self preservation setting that kicked in when they came too close to it. It could've been much worse." He grows silent again, as I digest that information. I'm not surprised, not really. And that has nothing to do with the knowledge buried deep in side me. If I'm to suspend my disbelief, than anything is possible at this point.
"How are you doing?" it's my turn to ask and I beg him with my eyes to tell me the truth. I would love to see inside his head for just a second, to be able to know what's going in there. Before all this, I used to think that I could read his mind. At least to a point. Now, it's like I'm meeting a brick wall.
"Okay. But frustrated. It would be nice to be making some headway by now."
There's more to it than that, I'm not stupid. But at least, he didn't stop at 'okay'. I have to be the brave one, I have to be the one to push weird stand off that we're having to the next level. But I'm terrified. I'm not sure if it's still the drug messing with my emotions like it did, or if this is just normal me now, but the feelings are so much more intensified inside of me.
"Logan, please talk to me." I plead, unashamed. I need my Logan back. I can't go through this without him. I wouldn't want to. And that's new for me. Nowhere in my life's plan have I ever wrote in another person. Even Uncle Freddie, Calen and Blake were only temporary. But with Logan...it's been different from the moment he walked back into my life. I can't lose that now. I won't.
When he finally speaks, m
y heart chips a little. "I don't know what to say."
I wait for him to go on, but he just leans on his elbows, folding his hands in front of him. He really doesn't know what to say. How am I supposed to deal with that?
"Logan," I begin, pushing myself to my elbows and that makes him lean over.
"No, please don't get up. You need to be careful with your stitches. " His hands on my upper arms, as he pushes me back down on my back, is all the courage I need. If he's not afraid to touch me, then there's still hope yet. Laying back down, I grab his arm before he can move away.
"Just talk. You never used to have a problem with that." I whisper.
He watches me for another second, before giving me a small smile. Logan keeps his hand in my hand, sitting back down in his chair.
"You're right. I'm the loud mouth in this relationship."
The fact that he still calls it a relationship makes my heart soar. He squeezes my hand gently, watching my face.
"You know this isn't easy," Logan says, after a long pause. "You're you again, but also not."
"You're right," I state, when he trails off, because he hit it on the nail. It's exactly how I've been feeling since the moment I woke up.
"I can feel myself here, with you," I continue, keeping my gaze steady. "But I can also feel that other side of me, right under the surface." Logan squeezes my hand again, trying to offer some kind of a comfort. "It's getting easier to tell the difference between the reality and the brainwashing now, and I don't think that'll be a problem forever. But it is now."
"My biggest fear," Logan speaks up again, "Is not that you won't know which is which. It's that I will say something to send you back in. We don't know how this drug words, we don't know just what kind of a brainwashing you went through. What if I say a word that will make it all come rushing back? I can't take that chance."
The words rush out of him as if he's been holding his breath for days and is now finally free to breathe. I won't lose myself again, but how can I promise that to him when he's seen me turn before.
"There's nothing I want more than to be able to make promises, right here and now, but I won't pretend that there's any stability in me right now. But your faith in me is what brought me back. Please don't lose that faith now."
His eyes flash at my words and I swear I see tears in them that match my own. He pulls his chair even closer to the bed, cradling my hand in both of his.
"I will never lose faith in you, Anastasia. That's a promise I can make."
With those words ringing in my head, I close my eyes and finally go to sleep.
19.
LOGAN
Watching her sleep, knowing that it's her under there, is a treasure that I will never take for granted. Calen came in to check on us, telling me to go to bed, but I can't seem to leave her. Like this, she's my Tasia again. She needs me not to be afraid of her. She needs me to be here for her. Whatever my thoughts may be, I can't fail her in that.
I've failed her in so many other ways already.
"How is she?" Freddie asks over my shoulder. I'm so lost in thought I don't hear him enter.
"She's been sleeping."
"Good. We need you."
Accepting that at face value, I take one long look at Tasia and move to the door. Freddie lingers, placing a soft kiss to her temple and it hits me then just how much he must be feeling right now. He raised her. He watched her grow into the woman she is today. As horrible as it may sound, I keep forgetting that. I keep forgetting I'm not the only one who's affected by her.
We walk to the main room in silence, because I honestly don't know what to tell him. Calen is in front of the computer, as usual, but he turns when we walk in.
"I was able to hack Kallos guest list, so we now have a full range of information on who's going to be there. At least all the visible people." Calen says by the way of greeting.
"I'm assuming the general is one of the invisible ones?" I ask, leaning over his shoulder to stare at the screen. After months working for Foster, I recognize a large majority of the names. That's helpful, because I can recognize them on sight too. It'll help narrow down the player list.
"He won't be found anywhere near a paper or an electronic trail and you know it," Freddie replies, taking his place in front of his computer. Briefly, I wonder when was the last time either one of them has slept.
"Get a bite to eat, Logan," Freddie say, nodding toward the kitchen. I notice both of them have plates on their desks, so they must've just ate. I don't argue, just head toward the fridge to make myself a sandwich. Tomorrow night, I have to be on my game. One hundred percent. Which means after I eat, I need to sleep. As much as I don't think I can.
"Have you talked to her?" Calen asks suddenly, not taking his eyes off the screen. There's so much emotion in his voice, I'm afraid he'll lose it on us. But he swallows it down, types a few more keys on the keyboard, and looks up at me.
"She's okay," I say, hoping that I sound convincing. "She's with us. As much as she can be right now. And it'll get better." Calen seems to breathe a little easier and once again, I've forgotten just how strongly they feel for Tasia. She's their family after all.
It's easy to see only what you want to see. It makes it less difficult making decisions, when you think you're the only one affected by them. Pushing Tasia over the edge was all of our decisions, but at the same time, I was the one who stood for it first. Because I knew, as an outsider, I'll be able to handle it better. But now, I can't forget this any longer. We're all in this together and we have to work as a team. We can't lose Tasia again.
"You know she won't like being left behind," Calen states, getting back to his computer. I watch his fingers fly across the board, as I take a bite of my sandwich, thinking about tomorrow night.
"No, she won't. But she's not ready. It's better if we don't tell her." I say, swallowing a bite. It hurts me to keep things from Tasia, but what else am I supposed to do? She's hurt and she's not fully recovered mentally. "It'll be even better if I leave before she knows I'm gone."
Both of the men look up at that and I know what they're thinking. She's going to want to punch me where it counts as soon as she realizes I've kept her out of it. But this is one decision I'm not discussing. There's no way I'm bringing her within miles of the general. Even with the bug out of her system and the drug diminishing its pull on her, he would not stop to use her for his own advantage.
"Please," I say now, "We have to keep her in the dark. She's too valuable to be anywhere near the general or Foster at the state she's in. We can't risk losing her again." I know I'm pleading with them, but I can't help it. Never in my life will I ever want to go through the last two months again. I'm not sure my heart would be able to handle it.
"You can leave while Calen cleans up her stitches tomorrow. It'll give you plenty of time to get to the event and find a good spot. We've put together a few surveillance items that will help." Freddie points to a box, so I finish off my sandwich and walk over to look inside. I find a camera pen, as well as glasses with inserted camera and a communication system.
"We'll be able to monitor you from here with these," Calen says, coming up to stand beside me and pointing to the comm system. "It's an upgrade from our usual and it works wonders across long distances. At least, that's what uncle's friends told him."
"The friends we're not supposed to talk about," Freddie comments, getting back to his computer. I see that he has the bug pulled up on the screen, running different diagnostics from what I can tell of all the numbers flashing across the top.
"Have you been able to find anything else?" I ask, coming up to stand beside him.
"So far, just the general info they probably wanted us to find."
"Wait, what do you mean, wanted us to find?"
"I'm sure Foster prepared for the day when we got Tasia back," Freddie says, not taking his eyes off the computer. "If so, keeping the bug in this little thing and completely offline should stop them from tracking her. But there's general i
nformation that I've been able to pull up that seems to have been planted there."
"You mean, he was gloating," it's not a question, but Freddie nods anyway.
"He's a proud man. If he has scientists making such gadgets as this, he's going to want the world to know. And since so far, his only audience is us, he left us some presents."
"You don't think he'll be able to track her?"
"No, we took precautions against that the moment she arrived."
I nod my head, because I remember us having that conversation. But there's still something about this whole thing that doesn't sit right with me and I can't seem to pin point what that is.
"What about now?" I ask, suddenly. "The bug is out of her system. Would they be able to tell?" Because that would be a huge red flag and I need to be as incognito as possible when I get to that event.
"I hope not," Freddie answers truthfully, turning to look at me. "But there's only so much I know, so there's only so much we can do. It's the best I got at the moment."
Taking that at face value, I move to the chair and take a seat. There's so much risk in going to the event. So much unknown variables, but it's not as if we truly have a choice. For Tasia, I will do anything. That hasn't changed.
* * *
When I arrive at the event, I stay to the shadows. After getting to the command center and planting Freddie's virus, so they can monitor all the camera's, my job is mostly to observe.
Many of the people on Foster's payroll know me by face, so it's not as if I can just waltz in. I need to find Lucas and have a talk with him, but he hasn't arrived yet. I keep to myself, staying as close as possible to the outside doors, to keep an eye on those who enter.
"Lucas just got out of the car," Calen's voice comes over the comm, as he is monitoring the video feeds from the cabin. It's nice to have an extra pair of eyes, especially since Foster has the whole place beyond fortified. He's not taking any chances anymore. It makes our job more difficult, but the paranoia also allows us to have more of a Big Brother presence.