by Jen Calonita
"Mom, I am not going to have a music career," I say, my voice rising. "I have no interest. None whatsoever. Tell TJ we're not coming."
"Give us one good reason you shouldn't be a crossover star?" Mom says calmly. "You have the look, you're the right age, and you've got a decent voice. With TJ behind you, your sound could be great."
"Kaitlin doesn't want to cut an album," Seth interjects angrily. "She's told us that on several occasions. And besides which, if she did want to do one, I would have set up the meeting, Meg, not you. How could you do this without telling me?"
"I am not making an album!" I say over their raised voices. "You can't make me do it!"
Why won't anyone listen to me? I feel like a caged animal being held against my will. My face feels hot, and not just because I'm angry, and I'm having a hard time breathing normally. I feel a knot in my neck start to scream again in protest. Not another headache! I reach into my bag for my diminishing bottle of Tylenol. "See what the stress is doing to me, Mom?" I want to yell.
My hands are shaking, but while Mom and Seth argue, I quickly text Liz. When she doesn't respond right away, I call her phone and it goes straight to voicemail. "Liz, if you get this, I might be late. Mom is forcing me to go to a meeting that she never told me about. I'm so sorry. I'll tell you more when I see you. I'll get there as soon as I can."
Our car pulls up to a nondescript office building. "Oh look! We're here and there's a Starbucks!" Mom says happily. She seems to hit a Starbucks on every street corner. No wonder she's always so wired. Mom turns toward me. "Just meet with TJ, okay? He really likes your look."
Suddenly I feel very tired. Too tired to argue. Mom has won again and I don't have the energy to fight her. "Fine."
Mom grins. "Good. We have ten minutes before the appointment so I'm going to pop in Starbucks, get a double soy cap, and call the Fashionistas editor again. I thought of another quote I want to give her." Mom puts on her sunglasses and wraps her head in a scarf, then slides out of the car.
"I don't know how you do it, Kaitlin," Seth says quietly when Mom is gone. "Your mom is a tough negotiator."
I close my eyes to keep the car from spinning. "I know."
"I guess if we're here, you should meet with TJ," Seth says with a sigh. "He hates being stood up. Even if you don't want to do an album, you want to stay on his good side." I nod. "But I'm not sending you in there alone. He can be quite a shark and I don't want you signing on to let your mom produce your debut album without my consent."
"Okay." Somehow I feel better knowing Seth is with me.
Ten minutes later, I'm standing face-to-face with TJ himself.
"Kaitlin Burke." TJ shakes my hand warmly and takes a seat across from me in his large office, with almost 360 degree views of Los Angeles. TJ is shorter than I imagined, but in every other way, he is exactly how I pictured him. He reminds me of Kanye West. He's short, never takes his sunglasses off even when he's indoors, and he talks in a soft, smooth tone. "I was wondering when we'd finally get you in here. Meg and I have been talking for weeks about this." Mom clears her throat.
Weeks, huh? "I appreciate you waiting to see me," I tell him politely. "I've been swamped with work."
TJ stares at me as he lounges in the other chair. "Not for long though, huh? That show is history!" He laughs and the sound shoots right through me. If TJ wasn't so important, I would snap back that my show is as long for the world as his weak new artist, Rocco, is for the top-ten chart.
"Anyway, the reason I called you in here is because, as I told Meg, I think you have talent that's untapped and if we can harness it, you could be a major music star," TJ says. "You'd have it all in this town. Not many can do that."
You can say that again. Do you know how many music stars have tried to break into Hollywood and vice versa? Now is probably not the time to bring that up.
"I've already got a whole game plan in mind for you if you're up for it," TJ tells us. "We'd cut several tracks for your album right away, and the rest we'd do after the show stops taping. You'd have to finish things up at night or on weekends and we'd have to get going on cover art for your album ASAP. We're thinking a vampy look. The anti-Sam. Fishnets, a bustier or a corset. Something like that."
Fishnets? A corset? I wouldn't even wear that on Halloween!
"That's a pretty radical change for Kaitlin," Seth pipes up. "She's idolized by a lot of young girls and we don't want her to lose her fan base."
TJ laughs. "Kaitlin doesn't seem too worried about that," he says, looking at me. "You're the master at press, if you ask me. First you vacation with the party set, next you stage your own kidnapping. I've seen all those pictures of you with Lauren Cobb and Ava Hayden too. Those two are not exactly tween-friendly, if you know what I mean."
"I wasn't actually kidnapped," I tell TJ. "And Lauren, Ava, and I just started hanging out. It's not what it appears to be in the papers." I can't believe how off-base the press has been about my whereabouts and partying. It just goes to show that you can't believe everything you read.
"I've had some good times with Lauren and Ava," TJ reminisces. "When you see them, tell them I said holla. And ask them if they remember that night in Cabo." I glance at Seth out of the corner of my eye. "I think it's great that you guys are hanging out. I like the new you," TJ adds. "We're thinking of some really sexy songs that show the world how grown-up you are. We want them to see you're nothing like that little sweet pea you've played all these years. This is a grown-up Kaitlin and she's ready to rock out. We're talking songs about boys wanting more, driving cars, dealing with bad breakups, and guys leading you on. We want angst, anger, sexed-up energy. "
"Wow." Seriously, that's all I can muster right now.
"I'm sure Meg would agree with me that anger, angst, and sexed-up energy is not the way we want to go with Kaitlin," Seth says, looking at Mom, who looks ready to pass out. I think she's just realized she's in over her head.
So have I. I feel like the walls are closing in. Sexed-up Sam is not me. I picture myself with big hair and a whip on my CD cover. "That's not really me," I tell TJ.
He shrugs. "We can talk about playing with your look. One thing we won't compromise on is the tour. We're talking some arenas, tons of radio shows. We'll send you to the opening of a Wal-Mart if we think it will get you fans." TJ laughs. "But who am I kidding? Wal-Mart won't even carry your CD because of the content. This baby is going to be too hot to handle."
I smile weakly. Too hot to handle? I look at Mom. She looks nervous too. At least she's finally paying attention, even if it has nothing to do with something I said. I wonder if Mom actually talked to TJ about any of this beforehand or if she was so excited about Kaitlin Burke, music star, that she just wanted to get me in here? I glance at the door. What would happen if I bolted?
"Of course, we'd build up your album with tons of pre-publicity," TJ adds. "We rock at that. We'll leak the most offensive, or hottest, song first and see what the public thinks before we commit to a first single."
"Thanks for your time, TJ," Seth says, putting his hand on my shoulder and helping me stand. Mom quickly moves to Seth's side. "We'll think about it and call you."
I look at the clock. I still have fifteen minutes to get to the Grove. If Rodney takes the side streets I might make it on time. I sneak a peek at my Sidekick. I have no new messages. I hope Liz heard my voicemail.
"Whoa, whoa," TJ holds up his hands in surrender. "This offer is only good if I can hear her sing. Meg said she has a killer voice and I want to hear those pipes."
My chest begins to constrict. "Here? Now? I don't have anything prepared," I blurt out. I look at Seth and Mom. Mom is actually perspiring, something I've never seen happen to her before.
TJ hands me a sheet of paper. "That's okay. We already wrote you a song. Our mixing room is on this floor. I've got a group waiting to lay it down. Once we hear you sing it, we can move forward."
Okay, this is moving too fast for me. I glance down at the paper. The song is title
d "Paparazzi Princess."
"TJ, I don't think Kaitlin is prepared to sing for you today," Mom tells him. "Maybe we could come back another time."
"Who comes to a record meeting about an album without being ready to sing?" TJ laughs. "You said she'd sing and I cleared my schedule so that she could do that."
The room is quiet. TJ has us. Seth pulls at the collar of his pressed white shirt, which he's wearing under a smart navy suit that I'm sure is Ralph Lauren. Mom fans herself with the sheet music.
"It's just . . . Kaitlin's vocal cords are kind of strained," Mom starts to say. Then she sees TJ's face. It could melt rubber. "But I guess she could do a quick take. We can't make time for a studio session. Kaitlin could sing a few bars for you right here if you want. Do you have a tape recorder?"
"Mom," I hiss.
"This will only take a few minutes," Mom says dismissively as TJ reaches into his desk and pulls out a tiny pocket recorder.
I read over the words to the song and am not sure if I should laugh or cry.
You think you know me,but can't you see?
I'm tired of being the princess. I don't want to win your heart,that was fine to start, but the truth is:
(Chorus)
This Daddy's girl is ready to fly,watch me, world, with a close eye.
I've got a new way of doing things.
This time, I'm the one pulling the strings.
Lights! Camera! Action!
You've never seen anything like the new me before.
And you probably never will again, you bores.
I'm a bad girl stuck in a good-girl role,but now that the show is over, I've got a new goal.
I want to be your paparazzi princess. I want to have your attention.
Keep your eye on my ascension.
When you're not looking, I'm a different girl.
I'm not Sam. I'm ready to take the bad new me out for a whirl.
DJ, hit it!
(Chorus)
This Daddy's girl is ready to fly,watch me, world, with a close eye.
I've got a new way of doing things.
This time, I'm the one pulling the strings.
Lights! Camera! Action!
You've never seen anything like the new me before.
And you probably never will again, you bores.
There's more to it, but I can't read another line. TJ has got to be kidding.
I'm being Punk'd, right? This is definitely part of some celebrity nightmare show for sure. But then I look at TJ. His face is smooth and calm. Mom is staring at me nervously and Seth is sweating.
I'm your paparazzi princess? You've never seen anything like the new me before, and you probably never will again, you bores? Eww. I want to rip this piece of paper to shreds and stuff them down TJ's throat. I glare at Mom. Mad doesn't describe how I'm feeling right now.
"Pretty solid, huh?" TJ asks. "We thought you'd like that."
"Words cannot express what I'm feeling," I tell him calmly.
TJ's phone rings and he excuses himself. That's when the three of us pounce on each other.
"Meg, I've had it," Seth whispers heatedly. "You need to back off and give me room to do my job. What were you thinking?"
Whoa. I've never heard Seth talk to Mom like that. If anyone else talked to her that way, she'd fire them on the spot.
"I see now that this was a mistake," Mom says, sounding hoarse. Her face is flushed. "But I don't know how to get Kate-Kate out of this." She looks at me. "I promised you'd sing, and TJ knows too many people for you to disrespect him by not doing this. You don't have to make the CD. I promise. Just sing the song once and we'll leave."
"I just want to get out of here," I tell them both. "I feel completely humiliated! Did you read the lyrics? Paparazzi princess? Who wants to be the princess of the paparazzi? That's not me! I want this song burned after I sing it."
"Kaitlin's right." Seth is calmer. "We need to get that tape from TJ after Kaitlin sings for him. He's legit, so I know he won't use it against her when we tell them she's not doing an album, but I'd still feel better if I had the tape in my hands."
"I'll sing and then you get the tape," I say wearily. "Then I'm out of here. I don't want to hear about meetings or work for the rest of the weekend," I tell my mom.
"And all future meetings should be cleared by me before we make them, okay?" Seth says, looking at Mom.
Mom is aghast. "I know I screwed up on this one, but my heart was in the right place," Mom says. "Kate-Kate needs me!"
"I need Seth, Mom," I say quietly. "This is his area of expertise."
"She's right, Meg," Seth says. "This is why you hired me. You have to trust that I know what Kaitlin needs."
"I know what Kaitlin needs," Mom says defiantly. "I'm her mother!"
"Yes, you're her mother," Seth repeats. "You're not an agent!"
Double whoa. I'm just as angry as Seth is, and probably more on his side than I am on Mom's, but if I don't rein them both in, TJ is going to walk in and freak out. I feel sort of dizzy and I have to sit down. My chest feels tight, but I have to get this out. "Everyone calm down," I say. "I'll sing, Seth will get the tape, and Mom will leave me alone for the weekend. We'll discuss the future after that."
"Okay," Mom agrees. "Whatever you want, sweetie. I know you're going to the Grove. You can take my black AmEx." I glare at her. Even retail therapy won't make up for the way I'm feeling right now. I'm tired of being bullied.
The door opens and TJ walks over with the tape recorder. He holds it out for me.
"Ready to sing it for me?" TJ asks. "Or should I say rap? We thought it would sound better if you were angry."
I take the cold tape recorder from his sweaty hands. "That won't be a problem," I say sweetly.
Saturday, January 31
PRINCESSLEIA25: Liz, where R U? If U get this, I'm on my way!
Seven: Tell Me How You Really Feel
"Rodney, can't you go any faster?" I beg, looking at my Movado watch for the hundredth time in minutes. Mom felt so guilty after hearing me sing that awful song that she let me go ahead with Rodney while she waited for another car for her and Seth. The two of them still weren't speaking when I left them standing in front of TJ's building. Seth was livid about me having to sing that song. (He said it was bad business to turn TJ down on the spot so he planned on calling him tomorrow to let him down gently -- and insist on getting my demo back.)
"Kates, Liz will understand," Rodney assures me. "You had meetings."
One awful meeting and one great meeting. I really liked the director of Manolos. That movie would be a great stepping stone for me, but I feel guilty thinking about it too much. I know it sounds silly, but part of me still feels like picking a new role is cheating on Sam. On the other hand, there's Mom, who thinks the project is all wrong for me. How could the two of us disagree that strongly on what's right for my future? I'm so confused. Maybe I'll feel better after I talk it out with Liz. I can't wait to tell her about the Vanity Fair party!
My cell phone rings and I pick up before even checking the caller ID. "Liz?"
"Kates! Where are you?" It's Liz, and she sounds a little annoyed. "I thought we said eleven-thirty."
"I know. I'm so sorry! I've been calling and calling," I tell her. "Didn't you get my text or message? Mom sprung this stupid meeting on me and it took longer than I thought. It was dreadful, Liz."
"Tell her we're going to lose our spot if she's not here soon," I hear someone in the background complain.
"Who is that?" I ask.
"It's Mikayla," Liz says awkwardly. "We were studying earlier and she heard my dad say I was coming to Cheesecake." She sounds almost apologetic. Almost.
"Oh." My heart sinks. "I just thought . . ." Today was supposed to be about us, I want to say. It's not that I don't want to meet Mikayla, but I was looking forward to having Liz to myself today. I thought Liz was looking forward to having some "us time" as much as I was.
"I know," Liz says even though I haven't finished the s
entence. She sighs. "Look, don't worry about being late. I'll tell the hostess you're on your way. How long do you think you'll be?"
I look out my window. We're getting off the freeway. "Ten minutes."
"Okay. Meet us upstairs."
Rodney pulls into the Grove and drops me off near the restaurant so that he can go and park. I hit the ground running, stopping only twice to scribble a quick autograph, and then I race to the Cheesecake Factory. I'm looking down at my leopard Cinch bag, trying to find my Sidekick and that's when I run smack into a girl standing in front of me. "I'm sorry!" I apologize. "Are you okay?" We both look up at the same time and say, "Hey!"
It's Lauren. "What are you doing here?" she squeals. "Ava, come here!"
Ava is yakking on her cell phone, but she hangs up mid-sentence and rushes over to hug me. "I thought you had meetings," she says accusingly.
"I did all morning," I tell them. "Now I'm meeting my best friend Liz for lunch. I haven't seen her since before Christmas."
"Some best friend," Lauren snorts. She is wearing a killer green sweater and black leggings with thigh-high boots. She looks like she just stepped out of InStyle. She eyes my outfit and hones in on my bag. "You're using the Cinch bag! Did we tell you it was hot or what? What did your mom say?"
I blush. "I haven't told her how much it cost yet," I admit.
"Thatta girl," Ava says admiringly. Ava is in an oversized beige sweater, a Dolce tank and wide-leg jeans that look just like the ones I have on. Mine are paired with a black Tahari turtleneck and Chloé heels. Over it I'm wearing a lightweight North Face vest in creamy white with a fur trim hood. Not exactly Los Angeles appropriate, but since I'm not going to Sundance this year to ski, I might as well wear it now.
"So do you have to do lunch with your friend?" Ava whines. "We're more fun."