by Jen Wilde
I deserve better than that.
Don’t I?
Ugh. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, of trying to gain everyone’s approval all the time. I’m sick of feeling like the world is more interested in the fictional version of me that the press creates than in who I really am.
And most of all, I need to stop treating other people better than I treat myself. It’s killing me.
Once we’re in the air, I unlock my phone and go through the selfies I took back at Chloe’s, letting the badassery of it burn into my mind. There I am, smirking, wearing bright purple lipstick, with my new motto written on the mirror behind me.
DON’T MESS WITH THE GIRL WEARING PURPLE LIPSTICK.
Excitement buzzes in my stomach. This is it. This is the beginning of something huge for me, I can feel it. Clean slate, fresh start, second chance—whatever you want to call it, this is the moment it all kicks into gear. From now on, I’m firing on all cylinders, living by my own rules.
I add the caption True story to one of the selfies, and then post it online. Instantly, notifications begin pouring in from my millions of followers.
“Em,” Chloe says, staring at their phone, “that pic you just posted is fire.”
Alfie and Ry pause their game to peek at my pic on their phones.
“Jesus,” I hear Aflie mutter. “Looking good, King.”
“Hot,” Ry says. “You’re definitely going to win this breakup.”
I go through my notifications and smile. “I’m not trying to win the breakup. I’m trying to win my life back.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“No peeking!” Chloe says. Their hands are cupped over my eyes, making sure I don’t see the big surprise. Apparently, there’s more to my friends’ plan than a spontaneous birthday trip to Hawaii, and I’m bursting with curiosity and excitement. Someone takes my hands and leads me forward.
“Who’s this?” I ask, squeezing the mystery fingers.
“Moi,” Ry says.
My senses give me clues to our location. There’s the unmistakable sound of waves, and the salty ocean air fills my lungs. I take a few more steps forward, and the ground beneath me becomes unstable, rocking gently, like we’re on a pier.
“Whoa,” I say, steadying myself with Chloe and Ry’s help.
“Better get your sea legs ready,” Ryan says.
“Shut up!” Chloe hisses. “You’ll ruin it!”
Footsteps run past us, and I hear Alfie muttering to someone.
“Can I look yet?” I ask. “The suspense is killing me here.”
“No!” Alfie calls, his voice sounding far away.
The ground angles up suddenly, and I almost trip.
“Oops!” Ry says. “My bad.”
They lead me up the ramp slowly, and I hear the sound of water lapping up against something. It becomes clear that we’re climbing aboard some sort of boat, but I don’t want to let them know I’ve figured it out.
“All right,” Chloe says, a smile in their voice.
Ryan helps me sit down on a cushioned seat. Chloe keeps their hands over my eyes.
“I’m going to let go,” Chloe says. “But you still can’t look. If I even see one eye open—”
“I won’t look,” I say, grinning. “Promise.”
Chloe takes their hands away, and I keep my eyes shut. All I hear for the next few minutes are my friends running around frantically, moving things and whispering and giggling like children who are up to no good.
I feel a hand on my shoulder unexpectedly, and I jump.
“Chill,” Chloe says. “It’s just me. Come here; stand up.” I do as they ask, and they put an arm around my shoulder. “Okay, Em. Open your eyes.”
It takes a moment for my sight to adjust to the bright sunshine glaring down on us. And then I squeal.
“Whaaaaaat?” I scream. My hands fly up to cover my mouth.
We’re on a yacht. A gigantic, sprawling, fancy-ass yacht that’s fit for the likes of Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian. I’m standing in the center of the outdoor lounge area, with couches lining the edge, a round daybed behind me, and a dining table in front of me, covered in food. My friends stand around it, wearing costumes.
“Happy birthday!” Chloe squeals.
“No way!” I say through my giddy laughter.
Alfie spreads his arms out wide. “It’s a Leonardo DiCaprio–themed birthday party!” The moment he says it, I recognize his costume; he’s dressed as Leo’s character Romeo, from Romeo + Juliet. He’s wearing the shining armor from the party scene.
Chloe, in a blue shirt, suspenders, and brown pants, is Jack Dawson from Titanic.
Alyssa Huntington and her girlfriend, Charlie Liang, stand hand in hand on the other side of the table. I met them through Chloe a few months ago, and we got along instantly. They all started out as YouTubers around the same time, then one by one grew their careers and eventually ended up living in LA. Alyssa is black, has long lashes, a shaved head, and a collection of awesome tats down her arms. Charlie is Chinese Australian and, like me, dyes her hair based on her mood. Today it’s a light blue that matches the ocean around us. They met last year at SupaCon and they are legit the most adorable couple I’ve ever seen.
Their costumes are easy to guess: Alyssa is dressed as Amsterdam Vallon from Gangs of New York; and Charlie is Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby in a white three-piece suit. The other two are harder to figure out. Ryan and Will are both wearing suits.
I first met Will Horowitz at last year’s Teen Choice Awards when the Brightsiders presented him the award for Best New Talent. He’s an actor on a hit CW show Silver Falls about werewolves and the people who love them.
“I don’t get who you two are…,” I say, tapping my chin as I think. “Leo wears suits a lot.”
Ryan reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a spinning top toy, twirling it on the table.
“Inception!” I say. Then I point to Will. “So, if Ry is Cobb … Will, are you—?”
“They call me the Wolf of Wall Street,” he says in a thick Queens accent while he fixes his tie. I can already tell he’s loving playing the role of Leo as Jordan Belfort right now.
“Is this…,” I start, looking around the amazing yacht. “Is this really all for me?”
Alfie runs up to me, pulling me into his arms. “Em, you only turn eighteen once.” He walks me over to the table.
“And we know how hard the last couple of weeks have been for you,” Ryan says with a sympathetic frown.
Alfie nods. “We wanted to do something that would blow your mind.”
“Mission accomplished,” I say.
Chloe smirks, then Alfie walks around the table to the tinted sliding doors. “Kid, we’re just getting started,” he says, then pulls the door open.
The indoor living area is even more glamorous than the outdoor one. Glossy mahogany walls, white couches, wide windows that provide an amazing view of the ocean. And every surface is made of marble. I’ve never seen anything so glamorous. It leads into a kitchen fit for a world-class chef, with a twelve-seater dining table under a chandelier to the left of it.
Alfie leans against the nearby bar, a smug smile on his face. “Did we crush it, or did we crush it?”
I nod excitedly. “Crushed it to smithereens.”
He holds his hand in a fist over his chest. “Yes!” He reaches behind the bar. “Oh, and we have a costume for you, too.” He pulls out the other iconic outfit Leo wore in Romeo + Juliet: the blue Hawaiian shirt.
“Yeesssss!” I say as I snatch it from his hands. I slip it on then and there, finishing with a twirl. “How do I look?”
“Very Leo,” he says.
But my heart sinks when I notice that the shelves behind the bar have been stripped bare. My friends don’t trust me enough to be here without eliminating every last trace of alcohol. Do they think I’m going to go on some kind of drunken rampage? I had one bad night; it doesn’t mean I can’t control myself.
Alfie notices me staring behind him at the bar. “Um,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “We have another surprise for you.” He pulls his phone out and starts filming me. “Consider this payback for that spider prank you pulled on the plane.” He cups a hand over his mouth and yells, “You can come out now!”
A bear appears from the hallway. It’s not a real bear, obviously, but someone wearing a not-at-all-lifelike bear costume. Everyone starts chuckling as the bear runs toward me, the head bouncing unnaturally.
“Whoa, whoa!” I say as it lunges at me. It lifts me up and spins me around while I scream and choke on fake fur.
“Bear hug!” a voice yells from inside the mask.
“I know that voice!” I squeal, hugging the bear tighter. “Kassidy?!”
“Nah! It’s not Kassidy. I’m the bear from that movie!” she says. “Rawr!”
“The Revenant,” Chloe says, laughing. “I knew you’d forget what it’s called.”
She puts me down and lifts her mask off so I can see her freckled face grinning at me.
“Surprise!” she says.
I haven’t seen Kass since our tour went to Boston last year. Alfie and Ryan had their families show up for them at so many of our concerts, even cousins and extended relatives, to cheer them on. My parents were passed out in front of the television, surrounded by half-eaten McDonald’s and stained wine glasses whenever we did shows in LA. But Kass, she showed up for me. That concert was the highlight of the whole tour. Even though we’ve been on opposite sides of the country for years, she always shows up when I need her. And, God, have I needed her lately. I’ve lost count of all the nights I fell asleep while FaceTiming with her, crying over the latest horrible thing my parents had said to me.
I throw my arms around her again, tears spilling down my face. “But … When did you … How?”
She nods to Alfie. “This one offered to fly me out to surprise you.”
I glance over my shoulder to Alfie, who looks away shyly. I’m too emotional to talk, so I pull him into the hug, too.
“Happy Birthday, Emmy,” he says as he hugs me back.
“Yo!” Ryan calls from the outdoor dining table. “No more of this gushy stuff. We’ve got Leo-themed food here that isn’t gonna eat itself.”
We all sit around the dining table and dig in to cupcakes with Leo’s face on them, and then two waiters emerge from the level below with my all-time favorite food: nacho pizza.
My tongue hangs out of my mouth and I pretend to drool. “Oh my god, yes!”
The yacht leaves the dock while we eat, and by the time we’ve cleaned our plates of every last bite, the islands float on the horizon.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” Kass says when we get some time alone after dinner. We’re sharing watermelon by the swimming pool of the yacht, mostly talking about her life in Boston and college and boyfriends she’s had. But I knew we could only go so long before the conversation turned to me. “I should’ve left Boston the second I found out you were in an accident.”
I shake my head. “I was fine.”
“Did your mom and dad pick you up and take you home?”
“No, Alfie and Ry drove me there.”
She looks confused. “Wait, so you voluntarily moved back with them?”
I shrug. “I didn’t think I had anywhere else to go.”
Kass rubs her fingers over her eyebrows. “That place is toxic. Especially if you’re trying to get your life together.”
“I know,” I say, staring down at the water lapping up against the boat. “I just wanted to try to have some kind of relationship with them.”
She digs a seed out of her piece of watermelon and flicks it into the ocean. “I’m sorry they screwed you over like that. They’re evil assholes.”
“How embarrassing is it that I actually thought they’d changed?” I ask, more to myself than Kass.
She puts a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with hoping your parents aren’t dicks. You’re allowed to get angry about this. Or feel sad or hurt or bitter as hell. Feel however you wanna feel. You have every right.”
Hearing those words lifts a weight off my shoulders that I didn’t even know I was carrying. “Thanks.”
We’re quiet for a few minutes. I let everything she’s said sink in, and the more I think about a life without my parents dragging me down, the freer I feel.
She stifles a yawn, and I giggle. “You must be exhausted. I’ll let you get some sleep.”
We go inside and I walk with her to the other end of the yacht, where our cabins are.
“Night, Emmy-Wemmy,” Kass says as she squeezes me against her.
“Night, Kassy-Wassy,” I say. “Thanks for being here.”
“Wouldn’t have missed it for all the Tom Hollands in the world.” She blows me a kiss. And with that, she disappears into her room.
I’m about to go back upstairs when Alfie turns into the hall, meeting me in the middle.
“So, how does it feel to be eighteen?” he asks.
I sigh. “Like freedom. Also, I’m a proper adult now. That’s weird.”
He laughs. “Hey, I’m almost nineteen, and I still don’t feel like an adult.”
I elbow him in the ribs. “You don’t act like one, either.”
“Good!” he says. “Being an adult is overrated. That’s why we became rock stars: We don’t ever have to grow up.”
I think of my parents and frown. “I’m glad to be growing up. Mom and Dad don’t have a claim on me anymore. I can start my life.”
He gives me a sad smile. “I’m sorry they didn’t wish you a happy birthday.”
“It’s okay,” I say, avoiding his gaze. “Any contact with them would have ended in an argument anyway.”
But really, it’s not okay. Even though I knew the chances of them calling me were slim—they didn’t even reply when I texted to say I was moving to Chloe’s. Still, I have to admit that it hurts.
Alfie shakes his head. “It’s their loss. They don’t deserve to have you in their lives. You’re like a magical unicorn, and they were trolls trying to keep you under their bridge.”
I can’t help but smile. “I am totally a magical unicorn.”
We stand by the door to his room for a moment, just smiling at each other. It’s not anywhere near as awkward as it sounds. Nothing is ever awkward with Alfie.
“I’m glad you liked your surprise,” he says, smirking.
“Well,” I say, flicking my hair back. “Come on, Leo cupcakes? What’s not to like?”
He laughs. “True story.”
“Seriously,” I say. “Thanks for flying Kass all the way out here. You have no idea how much I need her right now. This was, by far, the best birthday ever. I’ll remember it forever.”
Alfie beams, and I can tell he’s proud of himself. He opens his arms wide, and I step into him, sliding my arms around his waist.
One thing everyone knows about Alfie is that he smells incredible. It’s become almost like an urban legend now—entire articles have been written about it. I guess that’s what happens when you become the official face of Burberry cologne. I close my eyes and breathe in the woodsy scent.
He rests his chin on my shoulder and sighs. “It’s so good to see you so happy,” he says softly.
“Back at you,” I say.
He releases me and I lean back, but we’re still holding on to each other.
“Beautiful birthday girl,” he says, giving me a half smile.
I rest my forehead on his shoulder, smiling into him. I find myself not wanting to let go. I look up at him, and suddenly the energy between us is different. He’s looking at me like he knows what I’m thinking, but how can that be when I’m not even sure what I’m thinking?
I know that look. I’ve seen it hundreds of times before. It’s the look he gives the camera at photo shoots or people at clubs that he wants to hook up with. It’s pure heat and sex and intensity, complete with pouty
lips and eyes that don’t waver from you for a second. I never thought in a million years that I’d be on the receiving end of that stare—or that I’d enjoy it.
His hands rest on my hips, and I move mine over his shoulders. It’s like my body has a mind of its own, and I’m watching from the sidelines as I lift my chin. Alfie leans in, and then it happens.
He’s kissing me. I’m kissing him. We’re kissing each other, and it’s not weird or uncomfortable or awkward. It’s soft, and warm, and feels like the most natural thing in the world. Alfie links his hands on the small of my back and holds me closer. I dip my head back and tighten my grip around his neck until he’s leaning over me and my back is arched. The yacht rocks against a wave, knocking us off-balance. I fall back against the wall and rest against it to stabilize us. We don’t break our kiss for even a second. Goosebumps wash over me, making me shiver. I never want this moment to end.
Until I hear laughter rolling down the stairs and into the hallway. Alfie and I jump away from each other. I fix my hair while he shoves his hands in his jeans pockets, acting all casual.
Will and Ryan turn into the hall, laughing hysterically.
“Oh, hey!” Ry calls. “What’s with the disappearing act? It’s not a party without the birthday girl!”
Alfie and I glance at each other. I can feel my cheeks warming.
“We were just showing Kass to her room,” I say, a little too defensively.
“Are you coming back up?” Will asks, still method acting as Leo.
Panic rises in my stomach. “Um, actually…,” I start, trying to think of an escape route. “I’m pretty wiped. Maybe I should call it a night.”
Ry shoots me a perplexed look. “But we’re just getting started!”
“Yeah,” I say, stepping backward down the hall. “It just hit me.” I fake a yawn. “Must be all the excitement. But we can … uh, keep the party going all week, right?”
Will grins. “Absolutely.”
I give him a thumbs-up. “Cool, cool.” I pretend to yawn again and turn toward my bedroom. “Night, everyone!”
“Night, Em!” Ry calls.
“Happy birthday!” Will adds.