by Jen Wilde
He strikes a 007 pose, humming the theme song.
Alfie slides an arm around my waist and plants a kiss on me. Chloe swoons.
“You two are unbearably cute,” they say. “You know that, right?”
We glance at each other and both say, “Yep.”
“It’s sickening,” they say, poking their tongue out.
Ryan laughs. “Hey, you should’ve seen what I saw in that VIP room. If I’d opened that door a second later, I would’ve been scarred for life.”
I cringe. “Not my finest moment.”
“I’ll always feel bad about that,” Alfie says. “We should’ve told you.”
“But,” Ry says thoughtfully, “I wasn’t exactly honest about me and Will at first, either. So, I guess I can understand why you didn’t tell anyone. New relationships are weird, especially when you suddenly have feelings for someone who’s always been a friend.”
I laugh. “Weird is an understatement. At least you and Will could admit you had feelings for each other. Alfie and I were in total denial.”
He laughs, and Alfie narrows his eyes at us.
“I wasn’t in denial,” he says. “I knew I loved you, babe. I just didn’t know you loved me back. You were the one in denial.”
I flip him the finger, and he grins. “See how she treats me?” he whines.
Chloe and Ryan roll their eyes.
“Speaking of Will,” I say to Ry. “Is he coming?”
Ryan adjusts his tie. “He’s meeting us there. It’s our first public event as a couple. He’s making this huge deal of it.” He smiles. “It’s actually super sweet.”
I rest my head on Alfie’s shoulder, careful not to get makeup on his fancy suit. “I’m happy that you’re happy.”
Ry winks at me. “Back at you.”
* * *
The longer we sit in LA traffic, the more anxious I am. By the time we roll up to the red carpet and the door opens, I’m a nervous wreck. I haven’t done any red carpets or events since that nightmare at Bar 161.
Alfie steps out first, then reaches in for my hand to help me out. We’re greeted by hundreds of photographers, reporters, and fans screaming our names. Television cameras swivel to face us, people with microphones wave us over to talk to them, and fans lean over the railing to get a selfie with us.
I can’t wipe the smile from my face.
Will appears by our side, and when he takes Ryan’s hand it’s like someone turned the volume up on the crowd. They look at each other, beaming, and I can practically see Ryan’s nerves falling away. He came out to his parents as bisexual about a week ago. He told Alfie and me that it was awkward as hell, and they were surprised, but, ultimately, it went okay. Tonight, Ry’s parents are having a Grammy party at their house to support him. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen him happier than he is right now. It’s the best.
Soon, Sal finds us and starts pushing us around from reporter to reporter to give interviews. She’s warming up to me again, slowly. But rocking our performance tonight will smooth things over with her for good. And that’s exactly what I intend to do.
Chloe floats down the red carpet like the star they are, talking to reporters about the new album they’re working on and taking time to greet their fans.
Thankfully, no one asks me too many personal questions about my recovery. Everyone’s much more excited that Alfie and I are together and Will and Ry are dating—their fave ships are finally a reality.
* * *
“Brightsiders!” a stage manager calls. “You’re on after the next commercial break!”
We’ve been waiting anxiously in our dressing room for five minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Alfie gives the stage manager a thumbs-up as he gulps down a bottle of water. He hasn’t puked once today, but I can tell he’s nervous. Ry runs his fingers through his hair in the dressing room mirror, mussing it up even more than it is already. I squeeze in next to him to retouch my now-trademark purple lipstick, and he puts an arm around me.
“You ready to go out there and rock their worlds?” he asks.
“Ryan, my friend,” I say, “I was born ready.” I pull a tissue out of the box on the dresser and press it between my lips to get the excess lipstick off. When I remove it, there’s a perfect kiss mark there, so I reach over to Alfie and tuck it in his jacket pocket.
He smiles at me and pats his pocket affectionately.
And then we’re swept into the hallway and toward the stage.
I take in slow, deep breaths as I walk up the stairs behind the stage, praying to the gods of live television that I don’t pull a J-Law and trip. Time seems to slow down even more as we walk onto the stage before our heroes and peers and fans.
I fumble in the darkness for the microphone stand, hearing the chatter of the audience as they wait out the commercial break. Once I’m ready, I glance over at my friends. Alfie blows me a kiss, and Ry sticks his tongue out like he’s Gene Simmons. Seeing their excitement triples my own, and I straighten my shoulders, wanting to look as strong as I feel when the spotlight lands on me.
“And now,” the host says from the other side of the stage, “debuting their new song, ‘And by the Way,’ and performing their number-one hit, ‘ILY,’ here are the Brightsiders!”
BOOM. I’m flooded in golden light. Ry and Alfie start slamming on their guitars. It’s so surreal, hearing our music pulsing through the speakers at the goddamn Grammys. And then it’s time for me to let my voice be heard.
“I’ve got an arrow in my heart, and it’s carved with your name…”
I watch the faces in the front row carefully as I sing, and it’s like magic. Seeing eyes lighting up, hips swiveling, people bouncing up and down from pure excitement.
Singing this song, I remember the first time I heard it. The way Ryan strummed his guitar as he sang, pretending it was his to protect Alfie. I remember how much I loved it, how the lyrics seeped into my chest and curled up in my heart.
I remember when I heard it on that thunderous morning. The smell of the rain as I opened the door and saw Alfie standing there, singing it for me. The way my heart reset itself when he said he wrote it, that it was about me all along.
“Maybe I’m fallin’
Maybe I’m stallin’
Maybe I’m fakin’
Maybe I’m breakin’
But my heart just keeps comin’ back
To you.”
And now, here I am, on stage at the Grammys. Nominated for Album of the Year. Standing center stage in front of the whole world. All eyes on me. Singing the song he wrote for me before I knew I loved him.
Then the song fades out, and I soak in the glory of the moment.
What even is my life?
“I gotta say something,” I blurt out, surprising even myself. “I wrote this next song during a really hard time in my life. A time that I’m still healing from. But the love and support we get from our fans, it kept me going. This next song is inspired by you and dedicated to you.” The crowd starts cheering again. “Thanks for loving us so hard. You give us life. And to all those kids out there who feel alone and different and afraid, know that you are valid and worthy and welcome here. We see you, we hear you, we love you. We are you. And we’re not going anywhere. This one’s for you.”
The lighting changes, and suddenly the stage is a neon rainbow. Alfie and Ry start playing the tune. And then I give it all I’ve got.
“Look at you with your hot pink hair,
Look at you with your sultry stare,
Look at you with my T-shirt on,
Look at you singing my song…”
I gaze over the audience as I belt out my lyrics. This time, it’s not only fans I see singing along, clapping their hands, grooving to the tune we’re playing, but my heroes, too. People I grew up listening to. People whose posters I had on my bedroom wall, whose albums are my insta-buys on iTunes, people I worship to this day. And they’re singing along to a song I wrote.
Cover me in love, cove
r me in ink
Cover me in kisses till we’re so in sync,
I love who I love who I love who I love,
I am who I am who I am who I am…”
When I get to the line Don’t mess with the girl wearing purple lipstick, people shout it out loud. I just about explode with happiness.
Every word flows straight from my soul and into the microphone. My voice soars, filling the whole arena. My heart beats in time with the drums.
“Oh yeah, we’re here and we’re queer and we won’t slow down,
We’re here and we’re queer, white, black, and brown…”
We’re here. A few years ago we were three closeted queer kids banging on instruments, singing to Alfie’s garage door. It feels like a lifetime ago, we’ve come so far and changed so much.
I glance at Alfie, and he mouths “I fucking love you.” Then I look over at Ry, and he winks at me. Kass, Chloe, and Will are just offstage, dancing behind the curtain. Waiting to wrap their arms around us.
“Look at you, I hope you know,
Look at you, I love you so…”
After everything I’ve been through, all the broken hearts and tear-soaked pillows. All the shattered hopes and sleepless nights. All the times I wanted to run away, and all the times I actually did.
I’m still here. I’m still standing.
Whether I go home with a golden statue tonight or not, this moment right now is what I came here for.
I’m still here. I’m still standing. And I’m not standing alone.
I’ve already won.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
So much work, love, and care has gone into this book, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m just so grateful to everyone who helped turn this queer kid’s story about queer kids into a real-life queer book.
Thank you to Jean Feiwel, Lauren Scobell, Holly West, and Christine Barcellona for believing in this book and for all their hard work bringing it to life. I’m so grateful to Holly for being such a rock-star editor and for being as excited about these characters as I was from the start.
Thank you to the amazing people at Swoon Reads and Macmillan who work tirelessly every day. I wish I could hug all of you and feed you chocolate.
To everyone who read Queens of Geek, THANK YOU. Your enthusiasm for my dorky characters continues to blow me away. One day I hope to cosplay with all of you and geek out about our fave fandoms together.
To all the early readers of The Brightsiders, thank you so much for sharing your invaluable insight, thoughtful feedback, and encouragement. I hope I did good.
To my parents and siblings, thank you for always being there for me, even when I throw a curveball or two your way. A lot has changed over the last year, so it means the world to me to know I can always count on your love and support.
To my chosen family, what can I say? You helped inspire this story. Thanks for choosing me, too.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jen Wilde is a writer, geek and fangirl with a penchant for coffee, books and pugs. She writes YA stories about zombies (AS THEY RISE), witches (ECHO OF THE WITCH), fangirls (QUEENS OF GEEK), and rockstars (THE BRIGHTSIDERS). Her debut series reached over three million reads online and became an Amazon bestseller. Born and raised in Australia, she splits her time between Melbourne and New York. When she’s not writing, Jen loves binge-watching her favorite shows on Netflix, eating pizza, traveling to far away places and going to conventions in Marty McFly cosplay. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-Two
Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chapter Thirty-Five
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty-One
One Month Later
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Copyright © 2018 by Jen Wilde
A SWOON READS BOOK
An imprint of Feiwel and Friends and Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC
175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010
swoonreads.com
All rights reserved.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Our eBooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at (800) 221-7945 ext. 5442 or by e-mail at [email protected].
First hardcover edition 2018
eBook edition May 2018
eISBN 9781250189721