I have no heart
Lost all my fears
The sea storms by me
A cesspool of tears
Boiling far and rushing near
The waves are red with blood
Hands dance towards the sky
I watch my life of destruction
With pure fascination
Now the end of my world is nigh
Infernal
I have a little problem
An infernal love
Torn me wide open
Under the biblical sun
Down you took me
Sad and lonely
Into your confused and confusing heart
Where you accepted
Smiled and respected
Talked, trusted and laughed
As wrong as this may be
I feel you have stolen a part of me
And even though we both feel sad and guilty
I don’t think I want it back
Kiss me through your tears and mine
Kiss me through your pain
Kiss me heart, body and mind
Kiss me once again
Never mind
Wasted days and sleepless nights
Trapped a lonely soul in mid-flight
Joining peace with the holy slave
Whispering softly from the grave
Careless dreams, used illusions
Can’t help drowning in such confusion
Frightened years, hopeless tears
Lost child moaning quiet fears
Abandoned hopes, unloved heart
Empty eyes facing unwanted dark
Harmless mind, sedated soul
Sinking in oceans black and cold
Broken mind, unlived dreams
Scars aren’t always seen
Fractured life, unnoticed death
Always waiting for the dying breath
Needing love, never enough
Suffer the smooth, rejoice the rough
Unfeeling pain, pouring rain
Spinning around and around again
All set me free, leaving me
To feel feelings that I’ll never be…
Unable to shout, no way out
Left facing a black shadow of doubt…
What does my life really mean to me?
Return To Sender
Occupying the same space as a previous self, unwilling to receive the words and wants of others. Intentionally or unintentionally returning all that is no longer wanted, needed or useful. Send it back where it belongs, wherever that is. Somewhere, out there, bouncing back and forth between recipients who refuse to recognise or take ownership. Somewhere, out there, its journey will stall in dusty store rooms, on overloaded shelves, or end its life rotting in a pile of discarded dreams.
This is not for you, not now, not ever again. Return it all with disinterest, spare it no thought, let it drift away like dust upon the breeze. Return it with indignation, with spit and scribble, with a swift crumple and crush in angry fist. Return it with understanding. Understand that once, maybe, this was something you needed, wanted, requested, desired, or asked for. Understand that it is not for you any longer. Understand that by sending it back you are saying more than no, you are saying I no longer recognise this need or the person that needed it.
Take as much or as little time as you need to gaze or glance at these windows of the past. Let your fingers run over the names and places. Let your mind wander down the avenues of nostalgia and reminiscence. Turn them over in your hands and take note of the return address. Maybe this too has changed, maybe they too have moved along. Perhaps they send this to you from a place you no longer recognise, somewhere out there, unfamiliar and uncomforting. Swiftly or slowly make that judgement call. This is not for you, not anymore, not ever again. With lightened heart and heavy pen, make that acknowledgment to the world. Send it back from whence it came.
Ever abide the law of three, for what ye gives out comes back to thee.
Keep Searching
I see you watching
Digging
For dirt
I know where you are coming from
I can see your future path clearer than you
A sense of superiority in my words
But why not
I worked hard for my vantage point
I climbed high
With bruised lips
Battered hips
Cracked joints
Bloodied knees
Scratched and scratching fingers
And eyes blurred with tears
And still I pushed
Pulled
Clambered
Climbed
You slither on your belly
What can you see from there?
You nip at everyone’s ankles
A thorn in the Achilles
A stone in the shoe
But the pain that we have felt because of you
Is nothing in comparison to the bright white light of true rebirth
There is no price tag to learning the lessons of life
You cannot hold a hand in false support and sympathy
Whilst writing a bill with the other
You can be worth it -
But not in this incarnation
Moral Masquerade
What are you doing?
You are talking of killing
Murdering
Innocent people
Women and children
Sisters and daughters
Mothers
Lovers
Brothers
Fathers, husbands and wives
Children yet to live their lives
What are you doing?
Filling hearts and minds
With truth and lies
Of enemies
We cannot see
Those who would take my freedom from me
For taking freedoms from you
And yet I lift a hand to no one
Not to attack
Nor to defend
Not even to be counted amongst good men
What are you doing?
Raising hands
And sights
In long days and dark nights
What are you doing?
Creating a nation
Of militant self righteous rage
Of fear
Of hate
Of impossibility to relate
Of belief
Of morality, mortality
Of religious superiority
What are you doing?
Do you speak for me
Even when I raise a voice against you?
Do you represent the people
When the people march against you?
What are you doing?
Creating
Perpetuating
A battle of sacred rage
Are we really the people, the power and the change?
Or simply another moral masquerade?
Question
Sometimes it feels like I cannot win
I understand that this is not a competition
But if it is not,
Why does it always feel like a battle?
The Pulling
I stood under the not quite Moon
And looked up at the slightly obscured stars
I felt like I had been going nowhere
But I knew that I had come far
My feet were sore and my heart heavy
But the pulling still tugged at my belly
I followed my umbilical cord
Back to the beginning of never
I wondered if I would be reborn
Or would I be pulled forever
It occurred to me then
That I was
Paused
Maybe this is what they mean by choice
Primal Torture
There’s nothing quite like
The sounds of primal torture
The tear of flesh
The eternal blood
rush
Pushing
Just a little further
Into the unknown
Nothing feels as right
As the pain of primal torture
The slightly sexual thrill
The sight of ink and blood spill
Aching
Itching
For just a little more
Of what the flesh has yet to know
The boundaries breached
The heights reached
Of Shaking
Quaking
Rushing
Buzzing
Ecstasy
The dizzy spinning feeling
Achieved with every piercing
And every splash of colour
The tribal markings
Of our time at war
And those who don’t believe
In that bitter sweet release
In the pride of our colour
In flesh fading never
In the blood let
The rush
The thrill
Then they are not of our clan
And they never will
Adore those screams of primal torture
Brandy for Brian
It scared me
When I first saw him
Dishevelled and desperate
I could not console him
But then why should I?
I didn’t really know him
But I would mother his children
And I think he knows it
They were such long nights
Of strumming on the guitar
Sipping brandy with Brian
On the living room floor
And I fell so deep
That I still can’t believe
Winter’s chasing off those late summer evenings
Stitches
I have felt myself fall apart
And I have bled wept back together
I have felt and I have hurt
And I have known it was not forever
So strange to think you blind
To the scars I thought so clear
Can’t take my easy smile
Just hear what you want to hear
I can’t take this anymore
My eyes are dry
My throat is sore
This time I won’t fall apart
My stitches hold when I laugh so hard
I guess you never knew me at all
You watch me in confusion
She watches me in anger
Still I smile at you
When you think that I should hate her
So strange to think you blind
In worry
Or in fear
When to me it is so clear
If she makes you so happy, who cares?
I can’t take this bullshit anymore
See my eyes are dry
My throat red raw
For you I will not fall apart
When I watch you watch me I laugh so hard
It hurts
Inside
Didn’t you take the time to know me at all?
Blind Eyes
Every word I say
Every move I make
Asleep or awake
Every choice I choose
Every path I tread
Followed or led
Won’t go unnoticed
By unseen eyes
Wet or dry
Won’t go unnoticed
By unseen ears
Far or near
Won’t go unnoticed
By unseen lips
Spoken or silent
Won’t go unnoticed
By unseen fists
To hold or hit
Those eyes strive
To watch and see
Everybody
Maybe too busy
To see
Little me?
The Freak
You breathe mystery
Hold as if embracing insecurity
Sense still a mask behind the make up
A treasure within guarded defensively
Watch and read
Your body speaks, your eyes speak
They bring forth the springtime wells
Yet conquer not the dry mouth desert heat
I am torn in two
To mother you
To heal you
To bold as brass
Sup your glass
Dry as bone
Serving mine own
Speak to me
Weep to me
Bleed to me
For we are weak when lonely
Dancing around a new emotion
Each as hunter
Each as prey
Stepping forward in armour
And dancing away
Fire in the dark hall
Be I moth to your flame
Read me, read my scars
Familiar with pain
Read me willing and unashamed
Look to me
Faint smile
Arms wide…
Prove Your Point (Carry On)
Don’t play these games with me
You don’t seem to realise
You can’t push me, pull me
Make me cry and compromise
Don’t try to control me
You just don’t seem to understand
I won’t beg
Bleed
Love
Or fear you
I will never take you by the hand
Love me
Love me not
I really don’t care
Don’t give a fuck
Want me
Want me not
We will stay in this awkward place
Until you have the guts to spit in my face
Hear me
Hear me not
I don’t need you to make me be
I don’t want you
You are nothing to me
You can vie for superiority
Because deep down you feel second best
You can keep trying to push me down
Just proves you are no better than the rest
Feel the need to put one over on me
Just shows your own stupidity
I will never change
I will always be
The one confirming your inferiority
Tribe
The fear of depravation
Is the result of the unknown
The freak who cries alone
The conformity of a nation
Is the result of constant selling
The underground now telling
Of a tribe ever rising
Reaching dizzy heights of difference
In a land of song and dance
The media forever lying
About members misunderstood
A bloody band
A cult
A hood
But bloody we stand together
Without guilt, fear or shame
Laughing with personalised pain
And rise we will forever
In new forms of frightening strangeness
Grinning at you from the darkness
Goodbye
Hold me through your tears and mine
Kiss me one more time
Split second choices, a lifetime long
When I wake it hurts to find you gone
Once Upon A Time…
I watched you as you walked in
I saw the love that you feel for me and I was annoyed
I don’t know where your love comes from
A need to be loved
A need to own possess undress
I closed my eyes to shut out the prying fingers
The tentacles of concern close in
So tired now
Just want to sleep
Dream that I enjoy sex
Once upon a time
Dream that I enjoy touch, love, hugs
Once upon a time
I don’t
understand the crashing in my head
The lack of security in my bed
I adored the feeling of being
Once upon a time
I adored the needing, feeding, receiving
Once upon a time
Now I don’t know if it’s mine
Or just yours
You left me tea
And time to breathe
I wake up
Put on my make up
Paint on a smile over the sigh
And wonder about once upon a time
June
It was a terrible day
Of thunder and rain
The sunshine so far away
So I crept and crawled
To face all the things I did not want to say
And pulled my way
Into a smiling frame
Soon it felt unreal
And I hated my own untruth
But I found that the lie
Belied
The reality of unreality
And all the opportunities
That arise
I still smiled
And cringed
And listened to my own words of advice
Spoken from necessity
I heard myself
Reflected in another’s eyes
I saw all they see
And realised why they need me
Not for my strengths
Nor my weaknesses
Not for my availability
Superiority
Or inferiority
Not even because I am simply me
Or that I am in bonds
Or wild and free
But because
When they look at me
And all I achieve
They see I am only human
With dreams made a reality
Something that they too can be
On Reflection
Give me the chance to be
Extraordinary
Give me the chance to be
More than the best that I can be
Give me the chance to leave my mark
On the lives and hearts of others
Give me the chance to be the name
That pauses on the lips of old lovers
Give me an opening
Something I can work on
Give me a focus
A push in the right direction
Give me a reason
An excuse to keep moving on
Give me a little hope
A glimmer in the dark to keep me warm
Give me a little faith
Just to help keep me sane
Give me something
So that I am no longer afraid
Ok, how about this?
Poison Pen Letters to Myself Page 2