My head was starting to hurt and my eyes felt swollen from all the crying I had done. Listening to the story of my mothers’ heartbreak and Jason’s desire for us to be a family had disrupted my world.
I had always felt like the little orphan girl. Father didn’t want me, mother died. I never thought he wanted to make us a family, only he had to keep us safe by sending us away.
Now I wondered if I remembered everything from the night he sent us away. He had closed the door behind him, to keep us out I thought, and he got rid of us pretty quickly. Almost like he didn’t want anyone to see us with him. Maybe he was trying to keep the danger away and the conversation they had wasn’t what it sounded like.
She’d given him a letter and he still had it in his hand when we drove away. I remember him putting it in his coat pocket and holding his hand over his heart, looking at us as we drove away.
He wanted me all along.
I looked out the window and saw a beautiful blue butterfly land on our patio table.
I felt like mom was here, letting me know everything was okay and she loved me.
“If it’s okay, I‘d like to read the rest of these later. It is a lot to take in and I need some time to think.”
“Think about what, Maddie? This is what you wanted. To know what happen to be able to move past your hurt and resentment to a healthy life. You have been holding a part of yourself away your entire life. There is a great guy who cares a lot about you and you care about him. Take what your mom said to heart. Have faith and be brave.” Caroline said as she stood up and went to refill our coffees.
“Life is short Maddie. Seize the damn day.” She shouted from the kitchen.
I owed it to my myself and my parents, both of them, to find forgiveness from the past.
I owed it to Lucas to open my heart and try.
I arrived at the office Monday a little later than usual due to a flat tire. Not how I wanted to start my week after going two days without seeing Maddie. We spoke briefly on Saturday night but I could tell she was upset over whatever her aunt told her. I hoped it was just her learning about her past and not her finding out about my connection to Jason.
Joe had been less than enthusiastic about keeping Maddie in the dark about Jason and I. He warned that Maddie is extremely defensive about betrayal and I just prayed she could look past it when the relationship is revealed. Fate brought me to that bar that night. Nothing more.
I knew when I first saw a picture of Maddie that love at first sight was real. I use to think Jason was embellishing his love for Sara and the instant connection they had. There was no way you could fall in love with someone without getting to know them. After seeing Maddie in person for the first time, I knew it was real.
I walked into the office and past my secretary without stopping to get my messages like usual. I was a man with purpose and I think I might have just outed my relationship with Maddie.
I. Did. Not. Care.
I needed my lips on her and needed her small, curvy body in my arms. My mind was going crazy with desire for her.
I opened her office door she raised her head from a stack of paperwork and gave me a smile that illuminated the room.
I closed the door behind me and with a subtle click, locking us in. Striding across the room, I had her in my arms before she was able to fully get out of her chair. I felt like a man possessed. Her beauty was a siren song to my soul. Her love was my redemption.
I had my arm around her waist pulling her soft body into me, as I wrapped my hand into her hair, pulling her mouth to mine.
She linked her hands around my neck and pushed her tongue into my mouth, matching me stroke for stroke, her hunger matching mine, not able to get close enough to each other. Something had shifted in her and she was pouring her emotions into our kiss.
I took control of the kiss and began to work my way down her neck, nibbling and sucking, as she moaned and rubbed herself against my throbbing cock, her hands clutching my hair like a lifeline.
I found a spot behind her ear that made her entire body shiver in my arms and I knew she was getting as worked up as I was. How far would she allow me to take this in the office? I wouldn’t fuck her here. Our first time wouldn’t be a quick and fast over a desk for anyone walking by to hear. No. Our first time would be in a huge bed where I can take my time and feast on her perfection for hours and hours, wringing every drop by pleasure from her, devouring her.
I slowly withdrew from her mouth, kissing along her neck and exposed shoulder, allowing myself to calm the inferno that was erupting in my soul. My need for Maddie was growing with each new encounter, my desire raging inside like an inferno. I knew I loved her and wanted to sing it from the rooftops. I wanted the entire city of Atlanta to know the depth of my love for this amazing woman. I worried that she didn’t feel the same about me, but I willing to do what it took to make her mine.
I pulled back and put a little distance between us, still holding her in my arms. My aching cock was throbbing being so close to her curvy body. He was angry that I was denying him again, but when I had Maddie for the first time I wanted to explore her perfect body without a rush. I wanted her to be able to be as vocal as she wanted, hearing her come undone under me, experiencing all the pleasure I could give her.
With her hand in mine, I led us to the sitting area in her office that we had camped out on during the long sessions of research over the last week.
It was hard to believe that I had only met her a month ago. It felt like she’d been in my life forever. When you find the person who completes your soul, time becomes an illusion.
She will be in my life forever. She is mine.
I sat down and pulled her onto my lap, her legs dangling off to one side, and began to rub her back in slow comforting circles. I needed her relaxed because it was now time to move into the next phase of my plan to make Maddie whole again.
“I missed you. How was your weekend, baby? Did you have a good visit with your Aunt and Uncle?”
“The visit was good. Uncle Joe had a great time at the baseball game and we went out to dinner at a new sushi restaurant on Saturday night. Aunt Lisa made breakfast for everyone before they left to head home yesterday. It felt like the old days when Caroline and I lived at home. I miss having them around, but I know they were ready to get back home.” Maddie responded with a huge smile on her face.
“I’m glad they were able to come up to spend some time with y’all. Did you have a chance to talk to her about your mother and father?” I asked delicately. I didn’t want her to shut down or become defensive again.
“I did get a chance to talk to Aunt Lisa about them. There is so much I didn’t know had happened. I’m still trying to process everything that I learned. It’s a lot to comprehend but I hope that someday I’ll be ready to meet Jason and hear his side of the story. I need to know if what I learned was correct or just my moms’ opinions.”
Now I was a little confused. Her moms’ opinions?
“What do you mean, Maddie? What opinions could your mom have had that would confuse you?”
She began to squirm a little in my lap and I could tell she was getting restless. She scooted off my lap and sat down next to me on the couch, her arms crossed in front of her, defensively. I was losing her to her own fear. She looked afraid of whatever she had to tell me and I worried she may never hear Jason out.
She turned to me with a look in her eyes that broke my heart. Her beautiful blue eyes were shining with unshed tears and when she spoke, there was a waver in her voice.
“He wanted me. All along, he wanted me, only I think that he had to stay away to protect us from something he was involved in. Its only an opinion after reading some of my mom’s journals and…”
“And what, baby?” I gently pushed her, trying not to sound demanding. I needed her to tell me her thoughts so I could guide her to the truth.
“He wrote my mother a few letters. They started when I was around a year old and stopped when I was six. Spor
adic and random. Always with a different return post mark. The last one Aunt Lisa could find was written when he moved back to Georgia. It was the one that said he was coming soon for us.” She sobbed, turning her head so I couldn’t see her face.
Jason wrote letters to Sara? How did I not know this? What else am I unaware of that may cause Maddie to run from me? From us? Damn it, Jason!
With a finger guiding her face toward me, I used my thumb to wipe away the tears as they fell, holding her face with my hand.
“Of course, he wanted you, sweetheart. You are one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever met. I was enthralled with you the first time I met you. There is a light that you give off that makes people want to be around you.” I kissed her gently. “It makes me want to be around you all the time. Why does it make you sad to think he wanted you? This should be great news.”
“Now I’m confused. If he wanted me, why didn’t he take me when mom and I went to his house? Why didn’t he come to us when mom was sick and dying? Where was he after she was gone and I lived with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe?”
I couldn’t tell her what I knew, but maybe I could guide her into figuring out the answer for herself.
“Can I ask you a question?”
She nodded her head so I proceeded gently.
“What if, when he went to look for you, he couldn’t find you? You said that your Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe legally adopted you when your mom passed away. What if Jason didn’t know where to look for you. Adoptions are usually sealed records. Maybe he looked but wasn’t able to find you.”
“I guess that is possible but I just don’t know. Like I said, its confusing and exasperating at the same time. I spent last night reading though some my mom’s journals but they only reveal what was happening in her life and not a lot of information about Jason after her trip to New York when I was an infant. She told my aunt and uncle a few things about that trip that, I think, led her not to look for Jason again. I think she was somehow protecting me by staying away from him. She broke her own heart to keep me safe, and I don’t know how to process that.”
“If what you’re saying is even partially true, then she didn’t break her own heart to protect you. She gave her heart to save you. She loved you enough to keep you out of harms’ way. She was a strong woman and I can see that trait in you.”
She turned her head toward me and I leaned over for a gentle kiss. Just enough contact between her lips and mine to cause goose bumps to erupt on my skin and my heart to beat faster in my chest. A strong timpani rhythm letting me know it had found the one soul put on the earth to complete it.
“You think I’m strong?” she whispered in a small voice, nothing like the confidant woman I knew and loved.
“You are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You give selflessly to others needs and are a fierce champion for those who sometimes get left behind. You are loved by those around you, Maddie. Me included.” I looked directly into her eyes as I spoke.
I wanted no room for confusion about my feelings for her. I needed her to know that I loved her because something in my soul was telling me this secret I have been holding in will be out very soon. I needed her to feel my love and run to me, not away, when my connection to her father was revealed.
“You love me?” She spoke with a tremor in her lip and a rasp in her throat.
Putting my hand up to her face, she leaned in, seeking comfort from my touch.
“Yes, baby. I love you. I know it may be early in our relationship, but I know what I feel in my heart. I was taught if you want something in life, you strive to achieve it. The biggest goal in my life is getting you to love me as much as I love you.”
She leaned into me and kissed me with a passion I only suspected she possessed. It was an intense battle of tongues and lips, fighting for control and willing to submit all at the same time.
I pulled back and gasped for air. She had literally taken my breath away.
“I love you too, Lucas. I don’t care how long we have know each other, I know this is real. What I feel for you is real.”
She placed my hand over her heart and I could feel its rapid beat inside her chest. I placed her hand over my heart and leaned in to put my forehead to hers, seeking a connection that could relay the feelings I was experiencing.
We sat in silence for a few moments and I pulled back to give her a chaste kiss. Anything more and I would be pulling her out of the office and taking her straight to my bed.
It was definitely time for us to connect on the next level and I was aching to be inside of her, knowing it will be the best sexual experience of my life.
The start of my future with Maddie.
By Thursday afternoon, I felt like we’d accomplished significant work on the literacy program and I was ready to get out into the field to get the final contracts signed. Within a few weeks, the pilot program was set to start and I was excited to see all the parts finally coming together. This unique program MSJ Media was allowing me to create made me feel honored to be spearheading the campaign for literacy and senior development.
Often times, seniors go long periods of time without seeing family, for various reasons, or don’t have many activities to keep them sharp and thinking. Teens, on the other hand, are often left to their own devices to stay occupied, for a variety of reasons. Without parents to champion for them at home, their ability to read, or possibly their desire to read for enjoyment, decreases, resulting in fewer graduates and less opportunities in the future. This program would bring youth with reading deficiencies together with seniors who have the desire to tutor youth and assist with reading skills.
My hope was that both groups will stimulate imaginations, spark and foster connections between the groups, and maybe a few friendships may develop out of it. I still go to my hometown library with a few of the seniors from assisted living when I am back visiting, sometimes sitting in on a reading or, more times than not, reading to a group of kids visiting the library. The librarians and volunteers give so much to encourage children to use their imagination and explore the world that a book can open for you.
I probably should have gone into library sciences or the equivalent when I went to college but I always felt like I could do more with a business degree. There would be better career choices and more job openings. I hoped that I could do this program and its participants justice.
The opening door brought me out of the daze that I had allowed myself to slip into. I had all the details of the program, along with the intense feelings of love for Lucas, swimming around in my head and I kept finding myself zoning out.
“You ready to head home? We can pick up dinner on the way in if you want. I was thinking take-out and a movie on the couch. I wanted to talk to you about something.”
I immediately got a sick feeling in my stomach and had a bad feeling overtake me.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breath out.
“Is everything okay?” I managed to get out without my voice breaking.
I don’t know why I had a feeling of doom, but I was hoping it was these new emotions I was feeling that were the root of the problem. I had never told anyone I loved them before I and I was feeling vulnerable. Scared. Weak.
He drew me into his arms and kissed me with passion and desire, his hand wrapped in my hair and his arm pulling by body tight against his. I felt his thickness pressed between us and he was definitely hard. And very large!
“Everything is perfect, baby. Please don’t worry. I saw the look on your face and I want you to know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. I. Love. You.” Punctuating each word with a kiss on my lips.
“I love you too. Let’s get out of here. I’m starved” I laughed, trying to deflect my weirdness and move past this slightly awkward conversation.
He had told me he loved me multiple times each day since he first uttered the words to me. Each time, another piece of the armor I had encased my heart in fell away, leaving our newly formed love to grow
and blossom.
Every kiss healed me. Every touch, every caress, every uttered word gave me the strength to face my preconceived notion of love and sacrifice. I was willing to walk through hell and back for Lucas.
As we held hands on the drive home, we chatted about the expectations for next week and any areas we may have neglected so it could be addressed the following week. We had a three-day weekend because the company was closed the fourth Friday of each month.
Family Time is what the company called it and it was one of the major perks of working at MSJ Media. Not only do the employees get paid for the day but they also have the opportunity to get tickets for dozens of attractions and events all over the state. I heard that last summer they were tickets for the Panama City Beach Music Festival, condos included.
They company invests back into its employees to the tune of $5 million each year, according to their financial statements. The morale within the company is unlike anything I have ever seen. Everyone genuinely enjoys working here and the turn-over rate was very low.
In the few weeks since I had been employed here, I had begun to feel like I was part of a team that was not only investing in the company but the families behind the people who made the company run. I was amazed that no one had cross words and negative thoughts about MSJ Media. They didn’t walk around singing praises about it, but everyone did seem to enjoy their jobs and working environments. People went out of their way to make me feel welcome and a part of the family from the first day. Even if Lucas did manage to steal my lunch breaks, I was getting to know the other staff and would miss them when I spent less time in the office.
The Hand That Holds Me Page 11