by James Kelman
Oh well.
Tonight was another day. That was what nightshift workers said.
There were creaks in this house. Children were through the wall somewhere; forever thumping about. Helen didnt see them. Perhaps they were white. Most people were Asian or black but some were white. An old black woman came from the next house. Probably a grandmother and was looking after the children. Helen was envious. A mother to baby-sit. Although if Mum lived in London. Thank God she didnt.
Even to relax, it was good to relax. She couldnt have, if Mum was here she couldnt have. Because of whatever. This, that and the next thing.
So if it was Brian. If he had recognised her? If he had he would have been so so glad, so glad to see her. Why wouldnt he have been? Unless he was so far gone from the family he didnt want anything to do with anybody, including her, even especially her, if he had recognised her, he didnt want to see her, he didnt want to make the contact. The way he was looking in the taxi window. He was like staring straight at her. Really, he was. And his eyes were like quite frightening, my God they were, scary, that was what Caroline and Jill said, and Danny the driver too like what had he been? like so so wary, just so wary.
Perhaps he hated her. He couldnt hate her. Hate. Why would he hate, hate her? Hate.
A brother and sister; surely that meant something? He came home for Gran’s funeral but not Dad’s. So it was not like he disappeared off the face of the earth. Mum made the contact. Dad wouldnt have. So Mum knew how to reach him. But not when Dad died. It was the police traced him. So he was there for Gran’s funeral but not for Dad’s. Your own father. It was unforgivable. You couldnt have an excuse for that. It didnt matter the past and all what happened. That was over and done with. It was past tense. Get on with living, people have to. Somebody dies but the living go on, and they make a go of things. They have to. It isnt the whole world. Somebody dies everybody else lives. Bury the past. That is what people say. The past is past, it has passed. Brian and Mum were close. So were Helen and Dad. It happens in families; girl father, boy mother, it is so natural, a natural division, her and Dad, him and Mum; that is it, it is natural, it is not like lovers for goodness sake that isnt the relationship.
Life always goes on. So if Brian didnt care, neither did Helen. She didnt care either, so that was it too, if he didnt want to make contact with her, okay. It was a hard world out there. It wasnt only boys who had to stick up for themselves. If people try to hurt you you fight back. That was the world and that was what you did. If Brian didnt it was his fault. Boys laughed at Helen but it was not her it was him. Why didnt he fight them? He should have, boys look after girls.
What was Mo doing? He was through in the room, so he was doing something – getting ready to leave? Not yet surely. Nearly four o’clock, oh God, four o’clock, he was, it was time for him to leave.
Sophie glanced away from the television. Sophie said, Mummy are you saying something?
Helen smiled. How was school, you didnt tell me, was it good?
Yes.
So what happened? Sophie, what happened? if it was good.
We went to the park.
You went to the park! Helen frowned. You went to the park?
Sophie looked at her.
I thought you didnt go to the park?
It was a film about animals.
What was the park?
Sophie said, The teacher was showing us.
The teacher was showing you the park?
It was a film and it was about animals, people go on motor cars, it’s to a park and it’s animals they have there. Sophie spoke while staring at the television. Jonathan pushed me. He was pushing me all the time. I told the teacher.
A name like Jonathan, he sounds nice, he sounds a nice boy.
Mum can we do a jigsaw?
Yes. But wait till Mo’s gone.
Sophie sighed.
Because he’s going to work soon Sophie, we can play after dinner. I’m making a nice dinner.
Oh but Mum.
Fish and potatoes. Fish is good for you. It’s brain food, said Helen. Anyway, it isnt good if you tell the teacher on people.
Sophie glanced at her.
Even if a boy pushes you.
He always pushes me.
Because he likes you. Boys push girls because they like them.
Well it’s sore, I dont like it.
Can you push him back?
Sophie didnt answer.
Did you say it to Mo about him pushing you? I think he’ll say to push him back too.
The teacher said I’m not to.
Oh, well … Helen nodded. I dont think that’s right. Not to push people. If the teacher said that, did she say that? Sophie, did she say that? If they hit you first and you hit them back, did she say you werent to do it?
Sophie stared at the television.
Helen watched her for a moment. Did you push somebody?
No.
Did you push Jonathan?
He pushed me.
Did you push him back? Well you can, if he pushes you.
He likes Evie. He said my coat was funny.
Helen sighed.
He said it was all like painted.
Painted? Well I dont know why he said that. It’s a silly thing to say. Boys say silly things. Your coat isnt funny at all.
Mum can we not play the jigsaw?
No but you can play it yourself my girl because I’m starting the dinner.
Can Mo not do it?
No, he’s going to work soon.
He’s doing the computer.
Yes but he’s soon going.
Sophie sighed. Helen watched her. It was the sigh. Children sighing. Of course Helen herself, she was a champion sigher, and it irritated people.
Never mind.
Whatever Sophie was thinking. What did a child think? Sometimes she tensed. Why did she tense like that? So many things. Jonathan had three girlfriends and Sophie wanted to be the fourth. Three girls and she was the fourth. That sounded familiar.
The jigsaw was two years old and Sophie could finish it blindfold. So why not a new one? she had new ones, why not one of them? Oh no, it had to be the old one. A psychologist would know. It certainly was not Sophie’s father, and had nothing to do with any ‘happier’ time. Really, it didnt have that association. Helen would have known. It was her bought the damn thing and it wasnt even a birthday present, just one day they were out at a car-boot sale and she bought it back in Glasgow, that big one over in Royston that Mo discovered and loved all else in the entire whole world, so if that was the ‘happy memory’, Mo was there.
They went places here when they had the chance. Mo called it ‘hunting’. We are going ‘hunting’ this morning. Sunday morning was best. Coming off the Saturday nightshift she had an hour’s doze then it was the market and nice for Sophie that last time especially, seeing a wee girl from her school there with her parents. That was just so nice.
A car-boot sale was the most likely place for a folding bed, a proper one like Mum used to have, then if Brian, it would be there for emergencies, it would just be there, a proper one, if Brian. They had to be there for nine o’clock. So Mo said. Any later and why bother? By lunchtime people were packing up to go home. But it was true. But who cared if you were out for the day and it was family and you were just enjoying it all, and being out and just – life, it was life, life was good when it could be good, it was just so so good, really, and enjoyable. She would have to tell him about Brian.
Why?
But she would.
But why? If she told Mo she would have to find him because
why hadnt she already? She could have got out the damn taxi. If it was him she could have. Her own brother my God. And she didnt get out the taxi, she didnt even do that. If she had she would have known, if she had got out the taxi and just like my God imagine not getting out the taxi? Why hadnt she? That was the one thing. Even if she hadnt known for sure, even if she hadnt he would have, even after all these years, hi
s little sister, it would have been overwhelming.
She wouldnt have had to ask him. All she had to do was open the door and step out. He would have known her. But she didnt do that, she didnt get out the taxi. That was so shocking, so so – really, it was. Mo would have been surprised, only because like family, families for him. But they werent all like his. His was strong, Helen’s wasnt.
That was the truth and only be honest. Helen felt that. She saw the time and reached to Sophie, clasping her shoulder. Sophie glanced at her. Helen didnt speak, she breathed deeply. Sophie smiled. Helen said, Is Mo on the computer?
Yes.
I’m going to see him.
Sophie got up from the chair.
You too?
Yes.
Oh well, girls together!
Sophie smiled. Helen pushed her ahead into the hallway and into the room. Mo looked up from his laptop. We’re just being nosey, said Helen, arent we Sophie?
No.
Yes we are.
No we arent.
Helen laughed.
But we arent Mum, we arent being nosey.
Helen had her arm round the girl’s shoulders and made a face at Mo. You see, we are not being nosey. But we did wonder why you were in here and not sitting beside us for the last five minutes before you go to work. Is that right Sophie?
Yes.
Yes. Helen nodded.
We’re going to do the jigsaw, said Sophie quickly.
Oh yeah, so that’s why you want me out of it!
Yes, said Sophie.
No! laughed Helen. Did nobody tell you you could do the computer on the kitchen table and not be out of everything and away from the company?
Mo smiled, lowering the lid of his laptop.
Seriously, you could.
I’ll remember that.
Well you better!
Because what we want to ask, and this is true that we do, that we want to aahhsk, just as a special fayyyvour, we want to aahhsk when you intend taking me and Sophie to see a movie! Because we want to see a movie. Sure we do Sophie? and we want Mr Noisy to take us?
Yes! cried Sophie.
You want me to take you to a movie? I dont believe it!
Mo rose from his chair, glancing at his wristwatch. Except for his shoes and coat he was already dressed for leaving.
Dont be so cheeky. Isnt he so very cheeky Sophie?
Yes.
Helen paused a moment. But it’s true that we dont go out very much.
I know.
We have to make time.
I been saying that for weeks!
I know you have.
Like I mean I really really want to go out.
Helen nodded. It was true that he did and she knew that he did. He had moved to lift something from the top of the dressing table; his wallet and keys. His phone lay next to his laptop and she passed it to him.
Ta, he said, reminds me about yours. You need it fixed dont you!
Well no actually I think I need a new one.
Oh right yeah …
Sophie had let go Helen’s hand, she walked across to the window. Some of her dolls and things were here in boxes. She knelt on the floor to take them out. Helen watched her lining the first few along the window ledge. Mo turned to leave. Helen said, But it’s true, we really dont go out much.
You’re telling me, he said.
Oh Mo …
What?
Helen shook her head.
What is it? You okay?
Helen put her hand to her mouth, unable to answer. Mo stepped in front of Helen. He gripped her by the wrists, not forcibly; yet there was a pressure, however slight. He whispered: What’s wrong love?
She shook her head with as little movement as possible, so that Sophie wouldnt notice. Sophie’s concentration was to her toys. Mo relaxed his grip and dropped her hands, glanced at his wristwatch. Helen turned from him. She left the room. He followed her. Inside the kitchen entrance he put his arms round her. Helen what’s wrong?
She couldnt speak.
Have I done something?
Only if he wouldnt hold her. Her eyes were watering and he saw it and his eyes closed because it upset him. It upset him to see her crying. She was crying. Silly tears. So stupid. So so stupid. Sophie could be there and worried. But where they stood Helen and Mo blocked the entrance. Sophie couldnt have opened the door without Helen knowing but still she whispered. I just wish you werent going, it’s horrible.
Her eyes were closed. It was a serious wish. And for herself, how she wished she could stay home, every day. She so so wished it was only the two of them – and Sophie, the three of them – that their life could be as they wanted. She prayed for that, she did. She didnt know if she believed in God but it was more of a prayer than a wish, that they could experience something like a real freedom, a real one; and they could choose how life was to be instead of having it forced on them all the time not being able to do anything they wanted, even go someplace else, just go out together, why could they not just go out together? Why couldnt the three of them just go someplace? Not forever, even just a long long time, months, if they could have long long months together. She didnt want him to let her go and he didnt. Her head angled over his right shoulder; her left forefinger close to her mouth, and she bit on it.
Mo was worried. Okay …? he said.
Yes, she said but really she didnt know if she was. She didnt feel it. Sometimes she felt okay but not now she didnt, really, more like sad. Poor Mo.
What’s wrong? he said.
She shook her head. Do you ever wonder if London isnt the answer? Perhaps it’s only a stepping stone.
What’s that?
Do you ever think we could go someplace else?
Mo frowned a moment, then smiled. I cant go no place. Where can I go? Apart from Glasgow!
Oh Mo.
I mean it. They wont take me.
Who wont?
All of them. Mo grinned. Me ethnicity is all wrong. Except the north of Scotland girl, right up the very top; in beside the penguins – what you call that place? oats, groats, porridge oats?
John O’Groats. Helen smiled. The two had separated now. Mo had his hands on the sides of her shoulders.
I aint joking, he said. Life’s tough for Pakis.
Oh God I wish you wouldnt say that.
Say what? Pakis?
It’s a horrible word.
The badge of shame. Heh heh heh. Mo was laughing, then shaking his head. He checked his wristwatch again.
Oh Mo, how can you laugh at that?
Because it’s funny.
Helen pushed her arms round his neck. He made a choking sound. I’m not letting you go, she said.
A man’s gotta go if a man’s gotta go. Mo was peeling off her hands to free himself. There’s a movie showing and we’re going. Not this Thursday but the next.
What one? asked Helen, following him into the hallway where his boots were positioned on a sheet of newspaper. Mo crouched to pull them on.
Any one, he said. You’re off I’m off it dont matter only it’s got to be a comedy.
I hate comedies.
Exactly. You’re amazing!
Helen pushed open the front room door to call to Sophie: Come and see Mo before he goes!
How could I be with somebody who hates comedies! he said. How is it even posseebleh mon dieu!
Helen had her hand on the front door handle. Now Sophie was there and Mo leaned to kiss her on the forehead. Sophie stepped back to avoid the contact but Mo moved quickly. You see that! he said.
I hate kisses, said Sophie.
Me too, said Mo and he kissed Helen on the lips. Helen had her arms round his waist and when they parted she muttered, Oh God.
Mo said, I know. He patted Sophie on the head and stepped outside.
Helen called, Take care. She and Sophie watched him walk downstairs. Sophie was holding Helen’s hand; they entered the kitchen. Sophie said, Do you like Mo mummy?
Yes, said Helen.
/> All the time?
No. Helen grinned. No, she said, not all the time. Do you like me all the time?
Yes.
Oh no you dont.
Yes I do. You like me all the time.
Helen smiled.
You do.
I know.
Sophie laughed.
Houses creaked because they were old. Old everything. The washing machine was the worst. When it entered the spin it crashed across the floor and banged into the sink support. If that collapsed what would happen to the pipes and water supply? The whole thing, it was a nightmare and like the actual washing machine itself, if it dropped through the floor, imagine it, the family below at their breakfast. Mo had looked to see what was wrong but couldnt mend it, whatever it was, and they would have to call in a plumber or whoever to fix it. It was supposed to be ‘feet’ on the bottom. Feet, that was what he said, but they didnt work or something or was only three instead of four, it should have been four ‘feet’. Mo was supposed to be getting the name of somebody to do the job but it was taking ages. You couldnt rush these things. Not when guys were doing a favour.
That was the trouble with ‘favours’.
She shouldnt have been using the machine at all but the washing piled high, towels and sheets. She was doing a handwash at the same time. Three clothes-horses my God it was just crazy and couldnt be done. In the old days houses had pulleys on the ceiling.
No rain was scheduled: both washes could have been hung outside to dry, had she begun earlier in the day, first thing in the morning. But it never occurred to her first thing in the morning. Why should it have? First thing in the morning was last thing at night for nightshift workers.
There was a laundrette along the main road and she used their drying machines occasionally. It made a walk for her and Sophie. Nearby was a kebab shop; Sophie enjoyed their pizza and Helen enjoyed a break from having to cook.