by John Dryden
Pleas. Do you stand unmoved, and hear all this?
Limb. Before George, I am thunder-struck!
Saint. Take to thee thy resolution, and avenge thyself.
Limb. But give me leave to consider first: A man must do nothing rashly.
Pleas. I could tear out the villain’s eyes, for dishonouring you, while you stand considering, as you call it. Are you a man, and suffer this?
Limb. Yes, I am a man; but a man’s but a man, you know: I am recollecting myself, how these things can be.
Saint. How they can be! I have heard them; I have seen them.
Limb. Heard them, and seen them! It may be so; but yet I cannot enter into this same business: I am amazed, I must confess; but the best is, I do not believe one word of it.
Saint. Make haste, and thine own eyes shall testify against her.
Limb. Nay, if my own eyes testify, it may be so: — but it is impossible, however; for I am making a settlement upon her, this very day.
Pleas. Look, and satisfy yourself, ere you make that settlement on so false a creature.
Limb. But yet, if I should look, and not find her false, then I must cast in another hundred, to make her satisfaction.
Pleas. Was there ever such a meek, hen-hearted creature!
Saint. Verily, thou has not the spirit of a cock-chicken.
Limb. Before George, but I have the spirit of a lion, and I will tear her limb from limb — if I could believe it.
Pleas. Love, jealousy, and disdain, how they torture me at once! and this insensible creature — were I but in his place — [To him.] Think, that this very instant she is yours no more: Now, now she is giving up herself, with so much violence of love, that if thunder roared, she could not hear it.
Limb. I have been whetting all this while: They shall be so taken in the manner, that Mars and Venus shall be nothing to them.
Pleas. Make haste; go on then.
Limb. Yes, I will go on; — and yet my mind misgives me plaguily.
Saint. Again backsliding!
Pleas. Have you no sense of honour in you?
Limb. Well, honour is honour, and I must go: But I shall never get me such another Pug again! O, my heart! my poor tender heart! it is just breaking with Pug’s unkindness!
[They drag him out.
SCENE II. — Woodall and Tricksy discovered in the Garden-house.
Enter Gervase to them.
Gerv. Make haste, and save yourself, sir; the enemy’s at hand: I have discovered him from the corner, where you set me sentry.
Wood. Who is it?
Gerv. Who should it be, but Limberham? armed with a two-hand fox. O Lord, O Lord!
Trick. Enter quickly into the still-house, both of you, and leave me to him: There is a spring-lock within, to open it when we are gone.
Wood. Well, I have won the party and revenge, however: A minute longer, and I had won the tout.
[They go in: She locks the Door.
Enter Limberham, with a great Sword.
Limb. Disloyal Pug!
Trick. What humour is this? you are drunk, it seems: Go sleep.
Limb. Thou hast robbed me of my repose for ever: I am like Macbeth, after the death of good king Duncan; methinks a voice says to me, — Sleep no more; Tricksy has murdered sleep.
Trick. Now I find it: You are willing to save your settlement, and are sent by some of your wise counsellors, to pick a quarrel with me.
Limb. I have been your cully above these seven years; but, at last, my eyes are opened to your witchcraft; and indulgent heaven has taken care 087 of my preservation. In short, madam, I have found you out; and, to cut off preambles, produce your adulterer.
Trick. If I have any, you know him best: You are the only ruin of my reputation. But if I have dishonoured my family, for the love of you, methinks you should be the last man to upbraid me with it.
Limb. I am sure you are of the family of your abominable great grandam Eve; but produce the man, or, by my father’s soul —
Trick. Still I am in the dark.
Limb. Yes, you have been in the dark; I know it: But I shall bring you to light immediately.
Trick. You are not jealous?
Limb. No; I am too certain to be jealous: But you have a man here, that shall be nameless; let me see him.
Trick. Oh, if that be your business, you had best search: And when you have wearied yourself, and spent your idle humour, you may find me above, in my chamber, and come to ask my pardon.
[Going.
Limb. You may go, madam; but I shall beseech your ladyship to leave the key of the still-house door behind you: I have a mind to some of the sweet-meats you have locked up there; you understand me. Now, for the old dog-trick! you have lost the key, I know already, but I am prepared for that; you shall know you have no fool to deal with.
Trick. No; here is the key: Take it, and satisfy your foolish curiosity.
Limb. [Aside.] This confidence amazes me! If those two gipsies have abused me, and I should not find him there now, this would make an immortal quarrel.
Trick. [Aside.] I have put him to a stand.
Limb. Hang it, it is no matter; I will be satisfied: If it comes to a rupture, I know the way to buy my peace. Pug, produce the key.
Trick. [Takes him about the neck.] My dear, I have it for you: come, and kiss me. Why would you be so unkind to suspect my faith now! when I have forsaken all the world for you. — [Kiss again.] But I am not in the mood of quarrelling to-night; I take this jealousy the best way, as the effect of your passion. Come up, and we will go to bed together, and be friends.
[Kiss again.
Limb. [Aside.] Pug is in a pure humour to-night, and it would vex a man to lose it; but yet I must be satisfied: — and therefore, upon mature consideration, give me the key.
Trick. You are resolved, then?
Limb. Yes, I am resolved; for I have sworn to myself by Styx; and that is an irrevocable oath.
Trick. Now, see your folly: There’s the key. [Gives it him.
Limb. Why, that is a loving Pug; I will prove thee innocent immediately: And that will put an end to all controversies betwixt us.
Trick. Yes, it shall put an end to all our quarrels: Farewell for the last time, sir. Look well upon my face, that you may remember it; for, from this time forward, I have sworn it irrevocably too, that you shall never see it more.
Limb. Nay, but hold a little, Pug. What’s the meaning of this new commotion?
Trick. No more; but satisfy your foolish fancy, for you are master: and, besides, I am willing to be justified.
Limb. Then you shall be justified. [Puts the Key in the Door.
Trick. I know I shall: Farewell.
Limb. But, are you sure you shall?
Trick. No, no, he is there: You’ll find him up in the chimney, or behind the door; or, it may be, crowded into some little galley-pot.
Limb. But you will not leave me, if I should look?
Trick. You are not worthy my answer: I am gone. [Going out.
Limb. Hold, hold, divine Pug, and let me recollect a little. — This is no time for meditation neither: while I deliberate, she may be gone. She must be innocent, or she could never be so confident and careless. — Sweet Pug, forgive me.
[Kneels.
Trick. I am provoked too far.
Limb. It is the property of a goddess to forgive. Accept of this oblation; with this humble kiss, I here present it to thy fair hand: I conclude thee innocent without looking, and depend wholly upon thy mercy.
[Offers the Key.
Trick. No, keep it, keep it: the lodgings are your own.
Limb. If I should keep it, I were unworthy of forgiveness: I will no longer hold this fatal instrument of our separation.
Trick. [Taking it.] Rise, sir: I will endeavour to overcome my nature, and forgive you; for I am so scrupulously nice in love, that it grates my very soul to be suspected: Yet, take my counsel, and satisfy yourself.
Limb. I would not be satisfied, to be possessor of Potosi,
as my brother Brainsick says. Come to bed, dear Pug. — Now would not I change my condition, to be an eastern monarch!
[Exeunt.
Enter Woodall and Gervase.
Gerv. O lord, sir, are we alive!
Wood. Alive! why, we were never in any danger: Well, she is a rare manager of a fool!
Gerv. Are you disposed yet to receive good counsel? Has affliction wrought upon you?
Wood. Yes, I must ask thy advice in a most important business. I have promised a charity to Mrs Saintly, and she expects it with a beating heart a-bed: Now, I have at present no running cash to throw away; my ready money is all paid to Mrs Tricksy, and the bill is drawn upon me for to-night.
Gerv. Take advice of your pillow.
Wood. No, sirrah; since you have not the grace to offer yours, I will for once make use of my authority and command you to perform the foresaid drudgery in my place.
Gerv. Zookers, I cannot answer it to my conscience.
Wood. Nay, an your conscience can suffer you to swear, it shall suffer you to lie too: I mean in this sense. Come, no denial, you must do it; she is rich, and there is a provision for your life.
Gerv. I beseech you, sir, have pity on my soul.
Wood. Have you pity of your body: There is all the wages you must expect.
Gerv. Well, sir, you have persuaded me: I will arm my conscience with a resolution of making her an honourable amends by marriage; for to-morrow morning a parson shall authorise my labours, and turn fornication into duty. And, moreover, I will enjoin myself, by way of penance, not to touch her for seven nights after.
Wood. Thou wert predestinated for a husband, I see, by that natural instinct: As we walk, I will instruct thee how to behave thyself, with secrecy and silence.
Gerv. I have a key of the garden, to let us out the back-way into the street, and so privately to our lodging.
Wood. ’Tis well: I will plot the rest of my affairs 091 a-bed; for it is resolved that Limberham shall not wear horns alone: and I am impatient till I add to my trophy the spoils of Brainsick.
[Exeunt.
ACT V.
— SCENE I.
Enter Woodall and Judith.
Jud. Well, you are a lucky man! Mrs Brainsick is fool enough to believe you wholly innocent; and that the adventure of the garden-house, last night, was only a vision of Mrs Saintly’s.
Wood. I knew, if I could once speak with her, all would be set right immediately; for, had I been there, look you —
Jud. As you were, most certainly.
Wood. Limberham must have found me out; that fe-fa-fum of a keeper would have smelt the blood of a cuckold-maker: They say, he was peeping and butting about in every cranny.
Jud. But one. You must excuse my unbelief, though Mrs Brainsick is better satisfied. She and her husband, you know, went out this morning to the New Exchange: There she has given him the slip; and pretending to call at her tailor’s to try her stays for a new gown —
Wood. I understand thee; — she fetched me a short turn, like a hare before her muse, and will immediately run hither to covert?
Jud. Yes; but because your chamber will be least suspicious, she appoints to meet you there; that, if her husband should come back, he may think her still abroad, and you may have time —
Wood. To take in the horn-work. It happens as I wish; for Mrs Tricksy, and her keeper, are gone out with father Aldo, to complete her settlement; my landlady is safe at her morning exercise with 092 my man Gervase, and her daughter not stirring: the house is our own, and iniquity may walk bare-faced.
Jud. And, to make all sure, I am ordered to be from home. When I come back again, I shall knock at your door, with,
Speak, brother, speak;[Singing.
Is the deed done?
Wood. Long ago, long ago; — and then we come panting out together. Oh, I am ravished with the imagination on’t!
Jud. Well, I must retire; good-morrow to you, sir.[Exit.
Wood. Now do I humbly conceive, that this mistress in matrimony will give me more pleasure than the former; for your coupled spaniels, when they are once let loose, are afterwards the highest rangers.
Enter Mrs Brainsick, running.
Mrs Brain. Oh dear Mr Woodall, what shall I do?
Wood. Recover breath, and I’ll instruct you in the next chamber.
Mrs Brain. But my husband follows me at heels.
Wood. Has he seen you?
Mrs Brain. I hope not: I thought I had left him sure enough at the Exchange; but, looking behind me, as I entered into the house, I saw him walking a round rate this way.
Wood. Since he has not seen you, there is no danger; you need but step into my chamber, and there we will lock ourselves up, and transform him in a twinkling.
Mrs Brain. I had rather have got into my own; but Judith is gone out with the key, I doubt.
Wood. Yes, by your appointment. But so much 093 the better; for when the cuckold finds no company, he will certainly go a sauntering again.
Mrs Brain. Make haste, then.
Wood. Immediately. — [Goes to open the Door hastily, and breaks his Key.] What is the matter here? the key turns round, and will not open! As I live, we are undone! with too much haste it is broken!
Mrs Brain. Then I am lost; for I cannot enter into my own.
Wood. This next room is Limberham’s. See! the door’s open; and he and his mistress are both abroad.
Mrs Brain. There is no remedy, I must venture in; for his knowing I am come back so soon, must be cause of jealousy enough, if the fool should find me.
Wood. [Looking in.] See there! Mrs Tricksy has left her Indian gown upon the bed; clap it on, and turn your back: he will easily mistake you for her, if he should look in upon you.
Mrs Brain. I will put on my vizor-mask, however, for more security. [Noise.] Hark! I hear him.
[Goes in.
Enter Brainsick.
Brain. What, in a musty musing, monsieur Woodall! Let me enter into the affair.
Wood. You may guess it, by the post I have taken up.
Brain. O, at the door of the damsel Tricksy! your business is known by your abode; as the posture of a porter before a gate, denotes to what family he belongs. [Looks in.] It is an assignation, I see; for yonder she stands, with her back toward me, drest up for the duel, with all the ornaments of the east. Now for the judges of the field, to 094 divide the sun and wind betwixt the combatants, and a tearing trumpeter to sound the charge.
Wood. It is a private quarrel, to be decided without seconds; and therefore you would do me a favour to withdraw.
Brain. Your Limberham is nearer than you imagine: I left him almost entering at the door.
Wood. Plague of all impertinent cuckolds! they are ever troublesome to us honest lovers: so intruding!
Brain. They are indeed, where their company is not desired.
Wood. Sure he has some tutelar devil to guard his brows! just when she had bobbed him, and made an errand home, to come to me!
Brain. It is unconscionably done of him. But you shall not adjourn your love for this: the Brainsick has an ascendant over him; I am your guarantee; he is doomed a cuckold, in disdain of destiny.
Wood. What mean you?
Brain. To stand before the door with my brandished blade, and defend the entrance: He dies upon the point, if he approaches.
Wood. If I durst trust it, it is heroic.
Brain. It is the office of a friend: I will do it.
Wood. [Aside.] Should he know hereafter his wife were here, he would think I had enjoyed her, though I had not; it is best venturing for something. He takes pains enough, on conscience, for his cuckoldom; and, by my troth, has earned it fairly. — But, may a man venture upon your promise?
Brain. Bars of brass, and doors of adamant, could not more secure you.
Wood. I know it; but still gentle means are best: 095 You may come to force at last. Perhaps you may wheedle him away: it is but drawing a trope or two upon him.
Brain. He shall have it, with al
l the artillery of eloquence.
Wood. Ay, ay; your figure breaks no bones. With your good leave. — [Goes in.
Brain. Thou hast it, boy. Turn to him, madam; to her Woodall: and St George for merry England. Tan ta ra ra ra, ra ra! Dub, a dub, dub; Tan ta ra ra ra.
Enter Limberham.
Limb. How now, bully Brainsick! What, upon the Tan ta ra, by yourself?
Brain. Clangor, taratantara, murmur.
Limb. Commend me to honest lingua Franca. Why, this is enough to stun a Christian, with your Hebrew, and your Greek, and such like Latin.
Brain. Out, ignorance!
Limb. Then ignorance, by your leave; for I must enter. [Attempts to pass.
Brain. Why in such haste? the fortune of Greece depends not on it.
Limb. But Pug’s fortune does: that is dearer to me than Greece, and sweeter than ambergrease.
Brain. You will not find her here. Come, you are jealous; you are haunted with a raging fiend, that robs you of your sweet repose.
Limb. Nay, an you are in your perbole’s again! Look you, it is Pug is jealous of her jewels: she has left the key of her cabinet behind, and has desired me to bring it back to her.
Brain. Poor fool! he little thinks she is here before him! — Well, this pretence will never pass on me; for I dive deeper into your affairs; you are 096 jealous. But, rather than my soul should be concerned for a sex so insignificant — Ha! the gods! If I thought my proper wife were now within, and prostituting all her treasures to the lawless love of an adulterer, I would stand as intrepid, as firm, and as unmoved, as the statue of a Roman gladiator.
Limb. [In the same tone.] Of a Roman gladiator! — Now are you as mad as a March hare; but I am in haste, to return to Pug: yet, by your favour, I will first secure the cabinet.
Brain. No, you must not.
Limb. Must not? What, may not a man come by you, to look upon his own goods and chattels, in his own chamber?
Brain. No; with this sabre I defy the destinies, and dam up the passage with my person; like a rugged rock, opposed against the roaring of the boisterous billows. Your jealousy shall have no course through me, though potentates and princes —
Limb. Pr’ythee, what have we to do with potentates and princes? Will you leave your troping, and let me pass?
Brain. You have your utmost answer.