Granny hopped out of bed and landed in her swat team pose unthinkingly before she realized it was someone pounding on her front door and ringing her door bell at the same time. It was a good thing she had slept in her clothes last night. After her glass of wine and a marathon of The Old and the Hopeless soap opera she had been too tired to even take off her glasses before she tumbled into bed. Holding in a few choice words that she never said in front of her children even when they weren’t there, she proceeded down the hallway and into the living room, threw open the front door ready to skewer whoever it was with her raised eyebrow Granny look, until she realized it was Neil Nail.
“Forgot I was coming, didn’t ya, Granny? Bright and early you said.”
“It’s 6:00 a.m., bright and early is 8:00 a.m. in Fuchsia.”
“I’m bright and I’m early. The early bird catches the worm, you know.”
“Or the snake,” Granny said with a smirk. “I’m going across the street while you work. The shysters are gone already. You know what you have to do. And remember, my eyes will still be on you from afar.” Granny turned and picked up her binoculars, her new cane and walked out the door, leaving Neil Nail to figure out the plans Granny had left with him yesterday.
Granny decided this was a good time to scope out Sally’s house. It was too early for anyone to be watching her. The street seemed deserted as she strolled across the street lifting her binoculars to peer into Mavis’ house to see if she could see any signs of life this early in the morning. George’s house was sitting empty and Granny missed the surprise of whatever color of boxer shorts he hung on the pole in the morning.
Granny turned around to look at her house and she could see Neil busy with her project. He wasn’t watching. Granny walked up the steps and tried the door, locked tight. She took a bobby pin from her hair and straightened it out and threaded it into the lock. She jimmied it and turned it and shook it and twisted it, but, no luck; she couldn’t open this lock.
Granny checked each basement window. They were locked tight too. Using her binoculars she put them up to the window to see if she could see anything out of the ordinary in the basement. It was empty. Had someone cleaned out Sally’s basement when Granny wasn’t looking? Or had it been empty already? Granny hadn’t been in Sally’s basement for a long time.
Maybe there was a ladder in the garage. Granny tromped through the brown and drying weeds. The leaves were covering the ground and the trees were almost bare. Granny tried the garage door. Locked. She tried her bobby pin. It wouldn’t even go into the lock. What kind of locks were these that she couldn’t get a bobby pin in? Granny hopped up to see if she could see anything in the windows? If anyone saw her she would look like a kid on a pogo stick.
Granny gave up and sat down on the ground. Maybe there was a clue out here? Granny stood up and took her bright pink new cane and started threading through the weeds inch by inch. Every once in a while she looked up to see if anyone was watching. Granny didn’t know how long she had been searching for the elusive mystery object of which she didn’t know what it was, when she heard a swish behind her. George and Mavis were now in the yard with her and they each had a rake in their hand.
“If you tell us what you lost, Granny, we will help you look for it.” Mavis whispered.
“We saw you looking and thought we would help. It’s a big lawn. What did you drop?” George asked.
Granny raised her cane in mid-air and paused, “My teeth.” Granny covered her mouth and looked down so they wouldn’t see that her teeth were still in her mouth. I dropped my teeth when I was chasing the shysters.” Granny quickly swished the weeds. “Look, I found them.” Granny quickly bent down, rubbed her hand over her mouth as if putting in her teeth and stood up. Just at that moment they all heard a loud noise.
“Granny! Granny!”
“Granny! Granny!”
“That sounds like Neil Nail.” Granny stood a little taller trying to listen.
A loud howl echoed over the neighborhood.
“That sounds like Baskerville.” George and Mavis chimed in together. They all took off in a slow hop, run, hop, walk, run, out of Sally’s back yard heading toward Granny’s house. That was all their bodies would allow them to do.
Neil Nail was standing by the long narrow window next to Granny’s front door. Baskerville was howling and the window was popping open. Neil would shut it, Baskerville would howl again and the window, now a door, would open again. Standing in the street next to his black ‘57 Chevy convertible was Franklin accompanied by Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank. Little White Poodle and Tank were barking their distinct barks. Fish and Furball were meowing in their loudest, “I found a mouse”, meows. Franklin was leaning on his car as if nothing was happening.
“I’m here, Neil; what’s wrong?” Granny gave a side glance at Franklin before hurrying up the steps.
“It’s all done. I was testing it with Baskerville. Howl, Baskerville, howl!”
Baskerville let out his loudest howl, the newly made door, made out of the side window next to the real door, opened. Baskerville trotted in the house and the door closed. Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank hurried up the steps and ran into the house through their normal pet door.
Granny grinned, turned around and saw the scowl on Franklin’s face and wondered what she had done now. She couldn’t remember doing anything that Franklin might actually know about. Of course, he had seen her coming from Sally’s place but she was with Mavis and George so he should surmise they were just having a chat. She didn’t think she had forgotten that she had done anything that the Big Guy might have reported to Franklin so she wasn’t quite sure what the scowl was about. And why were the shysters home so early?
“I’ll be down to pay you later, Neil. I need to check out some fertilizer you might carry.”
Neil looked at Granny and looked at Franklin. He hesitated for a moment, not sure if he should leave.
“Now, Neal.” Granny tapped him lightly with her cane. Neal packed up his tools and took off down the steps.
Granny followed, deciding she might as well find out what she had forgotten she had done.
“Do you have a problem Franklin? Why are you here? Do you know why the shysters came home early?”
Franklin pulled himself up from leaning against his car.
Granny eyed him as he did that, thinking he was a tall, handsome man and occasionally she would admit her heart beat a little faster when she was with him. Maybe she should keep him as her fiancé. Or maybe her heart was beating a little faster from being worried about what she had forgotten she had done that put a scowl like this on his face.
“Your Fish and Little White Poodle are bad influences on my Itsy and Bitsy. I just bailed them all out of the hoosegow. Baskerville got away before they could catch him.:
“Who are Itsy and Bitsy? I don’t believe I know them. All I see are Furball and Tank. What kind of trouble did Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank get into that would land them in the hoosegow and how did they know to call you?”
“Little White Poodle and Tank were digging a hole through the weeds in Mrs. Periwinkle’s back yard. Fish and Furball were trying to scratch their way through the side screen door of the garage. The realtor caught them and called Wesley Weimeraner, the animal control officer. They knew to call me because unlike some people whose name I won’t mention, I have Itsy and Bitsy equipped with a microchip.”
“Why would they try and dig up her yard? If they want to dig up weeds all they have to do is run across the street?” Granny became thoughtful. “We have to go to Mrs. Periwinkle’s, they must have found a clue and they wanted to bring it to me.” Granny started heading toward her garage.
“I am not getting caught up in your harebrained schemes again, Hermiony. You need to stick to cornering your shoplifting, conniving crooks in the stores of Fuchsia and let the Big Guy and the Fuchsia Police Department handle this. The only reason I agreed to help them was to keep an eye on you an
d keep you from getting into trouble. Last time you almost got yourself killed.”
“You can’t tell me what to do, Franklin.” Granny stomped her pink aluminum cane down on the ground to emphasize her words. “You are only my pretend fiancé.” Granny turned, walked to her garage and with a flair of drama queen, made a wide sweep with her arm to the doorknob of the garage, opened the door, punched the garage door opener, continued to the first red ‘57 Corvette convertible sitting near the door and got in. She turned the key she had left in the car so she remembered where she had left her keys, revved the engine twice, backed out of the garage, turned the wheel to the right, came to a halt and hit the pedal squealing as she peeled down the road, waving at Franklin as he stood glaring at her from her front lawn.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Granny headed straight to Mrs. Periwinkle’s house. She needed to see the hole the shysters had started digging and to check the garage to see what Fish and Furball were trying to get to. Instead of turning into Mrs. Periwinkle’s driveway, she turned in Rack’s parking lot. Neil Nail was walking in the front door of Mrs. Periwinkle’s house with the realtor. Granny sat for a few minutes trying to decide whether to go into Rack’s and sit in her favorite booth so she could watch what was happing at Mrs. Periwinkle’s or give it up for the day.
Neil and the realtor seemed to be examining the entire property. Granny decided she would take the day off and head out of town to Brilliant, Minnesota, to Red Hot Momma’s Boutique for an afternoon of shopping. Winter was coming soon and perhaps a little warmer attire might be in order for the colder months. She had donated last year’s winter pj’s anonymously to the Humane Society to auction off at their annual fundraiser.
Granny spent the afternoon adding to her winter nighttime wardrobe. She picked up a red, brushed velour, long-sleeved nightgown trimmed with black, sparkling beading and feathers around the edges of the cuffs and the bottom of the gown. Embroidered across the front were the words, “Sizzling and Saucy.” She also found a pair of long-sleeved, hot pink silk pj’s that buttoned down the front. The buttons weren’t the ordinary buttons but red rhinestone heart buttons. Rhinestone hearts also decorated the legs of the pj’s moving in a line up the outsides of the legs to the heart- shaped openings right over the hips. The openings were lined with see through sheer fabric.
As Granny drove back into her neighborhood, she stopped the car dead at the end of her street. There was a moving truck at George’s house and someone was moving in. There was also a moving truck at Sally’s house and someone was moving in. How could that be? Sally had only been dead a couple of weeks and there hadn’t even been a for sale sign on the house. George must have found a renter. That was fast work on his part too.
Granny continued into her garage and made a bee line for her house. As soon as she got inside, she grabbed her binoculars and started scoping out the two moving vans. All she could see at either place were the movers. The people moving in didn’t seem to be there. Granny picked up the phone to call Mavis. The phone rang and rang but no one picked up, which Granny thought was strange since their cars were sitting in the driveway. Maybe they were involved in one of their fantasy reality shows and didn’t hear the phone. Granny gave up after the 20th ring. It appeared their answering machine was off too.
Granny finally gave up the thought that she was going to see anything and put down her binoculars. It had been a long day. The shysters seemed to have left early. Granny walked downstairs and closed the secret door to the underground street and the fireplace door since Baskerville didn’t need it anymore.
Once back in the kitchen, she checked the bowls to make sure Fish, Little White Poodle, Furball and Tank had eaten the yogurt and vegetables she had given them for breakfast. Then Granny pulled out her ice cream and donuts. She always seemed to think better when ice cream and donuts were sitting in front of her. She lifted her cane to examine it. It seemed to be working well for a undercover cane. No one suspected. Granny lifted the cane and took it and the ice cream and donuts into her bedroom. She was going to turn in early with a good book. Maybe she could learn something from one of those cozy detective mysteries. Granny picked up her newest book by Amy Beth Arkawy. It was an Eliza Gordon mystery called Dead Silent. Granny liked the name. It reminded her of Sally and Mrs. Periwinkle. They were pretty dead silent. Granny remembered Sally’s last words. “The grass quit talking to me.” The talking grass had been silent at the end of Sally’s life too. With a sniff, Granny settled down in bed, wondering where the shysters had escaped to so early in the evening. She picked up the book and started to read. The words dead silent seemed to echo in her head. Why had the grass quit talking to Sally? Granny knew she had to figure it out.
Granny was right at the cliff hanger of the book, Dead Silent, when she was startled by the bang of the window door that Baskerville used and the sound of all of the shysters running through her house. She had left the bedroom door open and soon the padding of the paws ran into her room and under her bed. Granny thought perhaps she misnamed all of them. Their names should have been flash because that is all she caught of the sight of them before Fish, Little White Poodle, Tank and Furball, hightailed it under her bed. Baskerville headed for the closet but because the door was closed he slammed dead on into the closet door making a big racket. At the same time, the pounding and shouting started on her front door.
Granny quickly pulled up her new cane and took the end off of it to reveal a giant knitting needle with a sharp point at the end. Quickly moving down the hallway, she positioned herself by her front door. “Go away; I’m armed. I called the Big Guy.”
“I’m not leaving until I deal with those menacing animals that ran into this house.”
Granny looked down the hallway thinking that those animals didn’t look too menacing now.
“Who are you? Go away before I use my weapon.”
“Open this door before I call the police.”
“Call the police? Call the police? You’re attacking me!” With that Granny flung open the door and aimed her knitting needle at the intruder. Granny had to take a second look when she realized the loud voice came from a young woman in her early thirties who couldn’t have weighed any more than Granny did, and she didn’t have a weapon.
“Stand right there, young lady,” Granny warned. “I’ve got you covered,” Granny yelled as she held the giant knitting needle in front of her. “Who are you?”
“I’m Sally’s daughter and I just moved in across the street and your marauding animals were trying to dig up my yard.”
“My angels wouldn’t dig in a pile of weeds and Sally didn’t have a daughter. Don’t move; I’m calling the Big Guy.” The only problem was that the phone was in the bedroom and Granny was by the door and couldn’t keep her weapon trained on the noisy intruder if she went to get her phone.
“Mom, what are you doing? What is that thing? It looks like a giant knitting needle. Put that pointy thing down. You might hurt someone,” Thor instructed his mother as he strode up her sidewalk.
“What are you doing here at this time of night? This woman’s trying to kill me and my furry children. Quick, call the police, Thor.”
Thor walked up and took the giant knitting needle out of Granny’s hands. He had to tug a little to get her to give it to him.
“Mom, this is Elena. Elena, this is my mother.”
Granny turned to look at Thor and gave him her dagger look. Thor seemed unfazed. “She says she’s Sally’s daughter,” said Granny. “Sally didn’t have any daughters. How do you know her, Thor? And why are you here?”
“Yes,” replied Thor. “Elena is Sally’s daughter. They have been estranged for years. She just moved into Sally’s house. I met her this afternoon, Mom. I checked with the Big Guy and she is who she says she is.”
Granny turned the porch light on to peer more closely at Elena. “You don’t look like Sally.”
“I look like my grandmother on my father’s side,” Elena replied.
Gran
ny raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “So why are you pounding on my door at this time of night?”
“Your pets were digging holes in my yard and they were scaring Gottlieb.”
“Gottlieb? Who’s Gottlieb?” Granny asked in confusion.
“He’s my pet goat and he likes grazing on the weeds in my mother’s yard, now my yard since I inherited the place.”
“Well, you better go now; I’ll talk to them.” Granny pulled Thor into the house, stepped back and shut the door, leaving Elena staring at a closed door. Granny listened to Elena’s steps retreating. Granny grabbed Thor’s arm and led him over to the couch. She held up her hand to stop him from speaking and took the top off of the footstool by the chair in the corner. She lifted out the blankets and then gave a press on what looked like the bottom of the footstool. It popped up and out. Granny took out two wine glasses and a bottle of wine. She poured a glass for Thor and handed it to him, then she proceeded to do the same for herself before she sat down next to Thor.
“Not a word to your sisters, do you understand? Or you will know what the giant knitting needle feels like.”
Thor started laughing and held up his hands in front of him. “No problem, your secret is safe with me, Mom. Of course, it always has been because I have known about your secret stash for a long time. I am your son after all.”
Granny peered at him through her glasses and gave him a disbelieving look. “Where did you come from and why are you here?”
“Nice nighttime attire, Mom.”
Granny looked down. She had forgotten to check what she was wearing before she was rudely summoned from her bed by the floozy across the street. Granny was wearing her new nighttime attire that she had purchased at Red Hot Momma’s Boutique. Luckily it was almost winter and although it was very colorful and adorned with sparklies, it wasn’t too risqué and it covered her. Granny liked to be colorful but in the fall and winter, she liked to be warm. “Quit changing the subject!”
Julie Seedorf - Fuchsia Minnesota 02 - Granny Skewers a Scoundrel Page 7