by O. E. Boroni
“Are you hungry?” he asked. “We can go towards Central Park and find something along the way.”
“No, I’m fine, plus you’re waiting on food anyway.” I replied, anxious to hear what he had to say. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I felt nervous again, just like the first day I’d met him back in boarding school. I remembered being entranced by just how attractive he was, and of course, his blue eyes. Over the last few weeks, I’d almost forgotten how difficult it used to be for me to stare at them for too long since we’d become more familiar with each other, but now that I felt guilty, I once again felt incredibly intimidated by him.
“What are you scared of?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I automatically replied, and although I could feel his eyes on me, he remained silent.
I glanced at him, and this time forced myself to meet his gaze. He wasn’t happy with my response.
“I mean, I don’t know. I’m not sure.”
“Think,” he said, and in what was probably an unconscious move, shifted even closer to me, his arm and leg pressing against mine.
“I really don’t know,” I replied after a few seconds.
“When I get back I’m probably still going to be upset with you,” he said. “So tell me what you’re scared of because I don’t think it’s that.”
I looked at him and he turned to meet my gaze. We stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments, my heart pounding within my chest. I could feel the cool wind around us but I could feel even more, the warmth that engulfed my entire body from being with him. I couldn’t believe it’d been thirteen years and I was still this affected by him.
I told him the truth.
“I’m scared that this will affect us. Affect how you feel about me.”
“Is this the first time you’ve upset me before?”
A small huff escaped me. “No.”
“Do you think this is going to be the last time?”
A smile tugged at my lips. “No.”
“Lenora, the first day I met you, you broke a tray on my back, then I was almost suspended for beating up some boys on your behalf, and then you got me kicked out of school. Trust me, I’m well aware of how insane you are.”
“In my defense, none of those incidents were completely my doing. First of all, you ruined my lunch, those stupid morons tore up my mother’s picture, and then Kate stole my diary.”
“And in this instance?”
“Wendy talked me into it?” I said sheepishly, but then accepted full responsibility when I saw that he wasn’t going to be that easily tempted into forgiving me. “Nate, I’m really sorry.”
“I know you are,” he said, “but I’m still upset.”
I looked away from him with a heavy sigh. “I know, I understand.”
“I want you to squirm because I’m still upset with you, not because you’re scared that it’s going to make me stop loving you. If it was that easy, it would have happened many times over in the last decade.”
I thought on his words for a while, trying not to choke on the emotions that had filled my chest. “Thank you,” I eventually said.
“For what?”
“For everything, and for taking care of me during these past few weeks.”
“You’re welcome.” he said. “Now that your baseless fear has been dealt with, I’m going back to being upset with you.”
I smiled.
“You really shouldn’t smile,” he said. “It takes a lot for me to be this upset, and it usually takes a lot more for me to get over it. I’m only being nice now because I’m in love with you, and you’ve been through a lot. I want you to take care of yourself when I’m gone, and stop driving. What the hell! Your back is barely healed. Do you have a driver?”
“I do.”
“Well, get him back. When are you going back to work?”
“In a few days.”
“I was going to just spend a few days with my dad when I thought you were ill, but now that you’re better, I’ll stay with him a bit longer.”
“Oh, I still don’t feel completely well though.”
He gave me a dry look.
“Fine. Will I at least be able to call you, like when there’s a problem and I need your help?”
He rose, and then took my hand to pull me up. “Probably not. Send me a text if it’s an emergency.”
I frowned. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’ll probably not pick your call.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m still upset with you. I’m not joking about this. You seriously made me go through hell with worry, and for no reason.”
“I’m sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?”
We started walking out of the circle. “I’ll get back to you on that,” he said, and I smiled.
He held my hands as we crossed the road, and then walked a little ahead because he wanted to hail down a cab.
“I’ll drive home,” I told him.
“No,” he replied just as a cab pulled up. He leaned down and told the driver my address, then he pulled the back door open for me and closed it when I’d gotten in. I rolled down the window so that he could lean down on it as he spoke to me.
“You can start running the meter,” he told the driver and then turned to me. “I’ll send my assistant to drop your car off first thing in the morning.”
“My parking fare will soon expire.”
“I’ll go handle it out now.”
“Okay, thank you.”
“Get it all sorted out before I get back,” he said, and I didn’t need to ask to know what he was referring to. He was talking about Damian.
“I will.”
“And I’ve thought about what you could do to appease my anger.”
“Really, what?”
“Forgive me for breaking your heart thirteen years ago?”
“Are you insane? You’re lucky I’m even talking to you right now. You’re going to pay for that for the rest of your life.”
He laughed and straightened, putting his hands in the air in surrender. “Okay, fair enough.”
“Will you really not pick up if I call you?”
He shrugged. “Try and see what happens.”
“You didn’t speak to me these last two days.”
“You didn’t call.”
A wide smile broke out on my face.
“Stop smiling, I’m still pissed.”
“Of course.” I said and tried to control it.
He hit the top of the cab, and the driver began to drive away. I stared through the window at him until I couldn’t see him anymore. Then I put my head back into the cab and let out a deep breath of relief. I was so happy, I wanted to explode. I picked up the phone and called Elisa.
“I just finished speaking to Nathan,” I said, the moment she answered.
“How? Did he call?”
“No, I went over to his house.”
“You’re insane, Lenora.”
I giggled.
“What did he say?” she asked.
“Basically, when he’s upset with me he’s not going to call but it doesn’t mean he won’t speak to me. I just have to call first.”
“Or barge into his house uninvited.”
“Exactly.”
She sighed. “I feel so sorry for him that he’s in love with a maniac like you.”
“Me too!”
“Goodnight,” she said. “I need to go to bed. Are you coming to work tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure. I do have a meeting with my editor though so I might stop by. I want to take it easy and finish the work at home so I’m not lost or overwhelmed.”
“Okay. Goodnight then.”
“Goodnight.”
*
I was just punching in the key code to my apartment when my phone started ringing. I fished it out of my pocket to see that it was Damian calling.
“Hey, are you asleep?” he asked.
“No. Why?”
“I’m on my way f
rom the gallery so I wanted to stop by to see how you’re doing. I’m already in your building, I just got into the elevator.”
“Oh, you are? Um, okay. See you soon then.”
The moment the call disconnected, I ran from the lobby, straight into my dressing room and started taking off my clothes. I kicked off my flats, wriggled out of my jeans, and pulled my jumper over my head.
Grabbing the pajama bottoms and tank top that were draped across the couch, I ran back into the room and quickly put them on. I got into bed and tried taking deep breaths to slow my furiously beating heart. I felt like a criminal.
I suddenly remembered the most important thing – my wheelchair – and right now it was nowhere in sight.
I jumped up again and looked around but it wasn’t in the bedroom. I couldn’t remember seeing it in my dressing room either, so I flew out of the bedroom and checked the kitchen, and the dining room. I was hurrying across the lobby towards my study when I heard the sound of my front door clicking open. I’d just opened my office door when I heard him call my name.
“Lenora?” he called out, and I instantly dropped to the floor. I started pulling myself back into the office and was about to close the door when he spotted me.
“Lenora?” he called, eyes widened at the sight of me on the floor.
“Hey!” I said, my tone so high that anyone could immediately sense that I was trying to cover up something. Thankfully he didn’t notice, and instead, just hurried over to me.
“What are you doing on the floor?” he asked as he bent down. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, I’m fine.”
“Why are you on the floor?” he asked again.
“I just tried, um, walking without the chair.” I said and then glanced at the desk, a strained smile on my face. “I tried supporting myself with the desk but then I fell.”
“You fell? Did you hurt yourself?”
“It wasn’t a hard fall- it was more like I just let myself slide to the ground. I was just trying to return back to my seat.” It occurred to me then that I hadn’t even checked to see if the wheelchair was actually behind the desk. I stretched my head and almost collapsed with relief when I saw that it was.
He picked me up and took me over to the chair while I kept my eyes on his shirt, angry at myself. Why didn’t I just tell him the truth, for the love of God? What was wrong with me? He went behind me and rolled the chair out of the study and towards the living room.
“How was your day?” he asked.
“It was okay,” I replied, wondering why exactly I was still putting on this charade. The only reason I could come up with was that I felt guilty because I didn’t have a concrete reason yet as to why I was going to break up with him, except that I was in love with someone else. I’d broken the very promise that I’d made to him that I wouldn’t let Nathan come between us, and then I’d topped it up by deceiving him into thinking that I was paralyzed. And even when he believed that I truly was, he’d still accepted me and continued with his plans to get married to me.
Tears filled my eyes at what a terrible person I was, but I didn’t want to let him see them so I quickly pushed them back. I needed to get out of the apartment so that I could clear my head, and come up with a better way to end our engagement.
“I need some groceries,” I told him. “Do you mind if we go out to get some?”
“That’s fine,” he said. “Tell me what you need and I’ll go get it.”
“No, let’s go together,” I told him, remembering a few days ago when Nathan had asked me to go with him.
He was silent for a while as he parked my chair beside the couch in the living room. I turned to look at him as he came around to face me. “What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing, it’s just that, we might get seen and that might cause a bit of a media problem.”
“What do you mean?”
“No one knows you’re in a wheelchair, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to let a lot of people know because you might start walking again soon, who knows.”
“What if I don’t?”
“You will.”
“So, I can’t go out before then?”
He didn’t respond.
“Don’t worry about that, it doesn’t matter,” I said.
“I just don’t think it’s necessary. I’ll go get you what you need. It’ll be faster too.”
“But I want to go out. I need some fresh air. Are you ashamed to be seen with me because I’m in a wheelchair?”
“Don’t be silly,” he said.
“Damian!”
He lifted his gaze to mine, and instantly I saw it. He cared more about his self-image than what I wanted. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. Either way, it made me realize that I didn’t need a huge reason to end things with him. Why was I willing to give Nathan a chance now despite how determined I was at the beginning that I was never going to? It was because of the little things he constantly did for me that proved how much he loved me, more than ever saying the words.
“Damian, this isn’t working.”
What do you mean by, ‘this isn’t working’?” he asked.
“I want us to break up.”
“Lenora –”
“I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me anymore.”
“Wait, you’re breaking up with me because of a freaking grocery store?”
I just stared at him, and then he convinced me one more time that I had made the right decision. He turned around and walked away. He didn’t argue with me, or even bother to refuse and insist on a concrete reason. He just turned around and left, almost as if I had just done him a huge favor.
The moment the door clicked shut, I slowly got up from the chair and went to change the key code on my front door. I thought I would cry. I wanted to cry, at least for a minute, but no emotion rose up to my throat. I had just broken up with the man I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with and yet, I felt absolutely nothing except relief.
*
The ringing of my phone woke me up the next morning. I tried ignoring it but when it jerked me awake again, I eventually snatched it from my side and brought it to my ear.
“What?” I groaned.
“Come open the door for me.”
“What? Who is this?” I asked, half asleep as I pulled the phone away from my ear to squint at the screen. It was Damian, and it was just a few minutes past six in the morning.
“What do you want?” I asked groggily.
“Please come open the door for me.”
“Okay,” I said, and ended the call. I gazed at the ceiling for a few seconds, still half asleep but awake enough to be irritated by the fact that he was still around. I thought I’d ended it with him yesterday. Suddenly, I needed him to be completely out of my life because his presence here again threatened a peace in my heart that I hadn’t felt since I’d started dating him. It wasn’t just him, it was the same way I’d felt after ending the relationships I’d been in in the past. Free, as if a chord that had been slowly tightening around my neck had suddenly been cut loose.
Still drowsy, I got to my feet and headed over to the front door. It occurred to me somewhere at the back of my mind that I was supposed to still be in a wheelchair, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to send him away and get back to sleep.
I got to the door and opened it.
“What is it?” I asked.
At first he just stared at me, but in the next second, something clicked in his brain and his eyes moved from my head and down the length of my body.
Only then did I fully realize the implication of what I was doing. The sleep instantly cleared from my eyes and for a second I panicked, but then I remembered that I didn’t owe him anything anymore.
His eyes were frozen as they stared at my legs.
“You’re standing,” he said, more to himself than me.
I moved aside so that he could come in. I shut the door behind me but he couldn’t take his eyes off my legs. Finally
he raised his head to mine and met my gaze.
“What’s going on? When did this happen?”
“A few days ago,” I replied. I just couldn’t bring myself to say that it was right from the hospital.
“A few days ago? Why didn’t you tell me?” His tone was rising.
“Because I just wanted to make sure first.”
He gave me a look that said that my excuse made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
“Does anyone else know about this?”
“Carlie does, and Elisa.”
“Wow. Does your back still hurt? Is it fully healed?”
“Just a little bit, but I’m getting better.”
He faced me and let out a deep breath. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“It’s fine,” I said.
“Do you still mean what you said?”
“I do.”
“Let’s talk about it.”
“Not now,” I said, feeling a bit uncomfortable. “I need a bit of time. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”
“Okay. I’ll wait for the call.”
I cringed inwardly, but I just didn’t want to be harsh and completely kick him out of my life. I’d always been the absolute worst at break ups, so I just nodded and allowed him to come forward to plant a kiss on my cheeks.
He left after that, and I went back to bed.
That went better than I thought it would. Maybe it was because what had happened yesterday had stripped him of any defense he might have had. Right now he was feeling guilty, and putting me before himself. Oh well, I was glad that to an acceptable extent, it all worked out. The only thing left was to find a way to make it explicitly clear that there was zero chance of us getting together again. That, I hoped he would realize and come to accept with time. I had a meeting later that morning with my editor but before I fell asleep, I sent a text to Nathan wishing him a safe flight.
When I woke up a few hours later, the first thing I did was reach for my phone, but there was no response from him.
« CHAPTER 3 »
Nathan
Albufeira, Portugal