Julianne anticipated his next question and continued, “I used to listen to the girls at school talk about boys. I’ve known for a long time that I’m different. My fantasies have always involved a dominant lover. I dreamed about giving myself completely and in return, I got someone who challenged me, cherished me and drown me in the kinky stuff.” A secretive grin slid across her face, passively inviting the next question.
“Kinky stuff?” He raised a disapproving eyebrow. “Tell me what you mean by that and we can work on your vocabulary later.”
Julianne blushed and raised a delicate hand to her mouth to hide her embarrassment. She exuded an awareness of her appeal to men and a cautious reserve about bestowing her charms. Talking about sex was dangerously seductive and she knew it.
She proceeded more carefully. “Everything Nicolai has offered is something I want to experience more of. I want him to show me other things too.”
Darion enjoyed listening to the chime of her voice, the rise and fall of it was very alluring. He wanted to know how that voice would sound talking about darker pleasures so he accepted her invitation to delve deeper. “Does that include erotic pain?”
“Yes. Before Nicolai and I were lovers, we shared an experience that changed me...”
He interrupted, “Paint stirrers can be fun. That experience changed Nicolai too.”
Julianne looked at him in amazement. She hadn’t known the significance of that moment for Nicolai. Hope for their future sparked in her eyes.
“Accepting a lover’s painful attention can be very difficult. What makes you want that type of thing?”
She didn’t answer right away and he studied her as she struggled to find the right words. Her eyes fell to her hands and their tense, entwined fingers. A complex roil of emotions played across her face as she was torn by the dichotomy that defined her. Beneath that reserved exterior lay a daring and darkly passionate woman. As he waited for the reply, he had little doubt about which side of Julianne’s nature would ultimately prevail in her love life.
“I think because...well, the idea that a man has power over me...that I am under his control...I mean, just because he wants it... I can’t explain why. It just turns me on.”
It wasn’t the most articulate description he’d ever heard, but he got it. Nicolai’s Beauty shared more than one of his kinks. Darion knew it as well as he knew his own name. The pair blithely sailed through light bondage and voyeurism in only a few weeks, but their next hurdle was much higher. Julianne craved a more intense dominance as much as Nicolai needed to give it, but Julianne’s past stood in their way.
“And how does your, hmm, let’s call it ‘upbringing,’ fit with the woman you are?”
“It doesn’t.”
She said the words so matter-of-factly that he knew he’d found her blind spot.
“Doesn’t it? Your father abused you hoping to make you completely passive. How can that be unrelated to a submissive sexuality?”
This answer was perfectly articulate. “I never connected my sexuality to the Colonel. I decided who I was and what I wanted on my own. Of that, you can be very sure. But I’m not a psychiatrist, so I can’t tell you that my father has nothing to do with my sexuality.” She looked at him coyly and added, “What he instilled in me, I believe men like you find very pleasing. Discipline, focus, a desire to please, these are positive traits, are they not?”
Her words and the conviction with which she spoke them convinced Darion that Julianne would be the woman she was even without the Colonel’s misguided treatment. His trip to Japan, while very enlightening, hadn't answered this fundamental question about her. If Julianne truly was a natural submissive like her mother, the Colonel would have recognized that. He must have thought what he did would protect her. It was ass-backward reasoning, but there was some logic to it. Julianne didn't connect her sexuality to the Colonel, but he obviously knew his daughter better than she thought he did.
Julianne seemed unaware of his analysis of her, or unconcerned about it, as she revealed more. “Nicolai has erased so much of my suffering. He forced me to share my past. I gave it entirely to him. Writing that journal was a catharsis for me. It allowed me to forgive.”
“But what do you think about Nicolai’s ability to forgive?”
Darion watched understanding dawn in her eyes as dainty fingers covered her open mouth. “Cher Dieu. But Nicolai’s foyer isn’t the same room. Nicolai isn’t anything like my father. What we share has nothing to do with...” her voice faded as she absorbed the significance of the parallels that Nicolai obviously saw. “Please, Darion, you must explain this to him. You must make him understand.”
The plea was heartfelt.
He waved a hand in front of his face. “Both Jacques and I have talked to him already. The time for talking is long past. The responsibility to make Nicolai understand is yours. You must tell him.”
“Please, Darion, I can’t. Expressing my wants or needs, well, let’s just say that I’m not used to doing that. I know what I want, but I can never seem to find the right words.”
Julianne obviously viewed her inability to verbalize her desires as somehow her fault. He viewed it as a tragedy that such an artistic and intelligent young woman had been so repressed.
“I disagree. I’ve seen you do it. What did Nicolai tell you to do in that car?” He paused, allowing her a moment to remember the last time they’d been together.
“He told me to ask for what I wanted.”
“Yes, he did. And what happened when you asked?”
“He gave it to me,” she answered quietly.
Her posture told him that Julianne had no confidence in what he was trying to teach her, even before she continued. “But this situation is so much more complex. Do you honestly believe that Nicolai wants me to dictate to him about how to love me? Where’s the romance in that?”
Julianne’s choice of words revealed so much. Her reluctance to express herself was certainly attributable to her experience with the Colonel, but her inexperience with intimacy contributed more substantially to this problem. It was all well and good for a woman to harbor romantic notions of being swept away by her Dom. In fact, it was necessary. But that did not mean she could behave like a child. If she was mature enough to want this type of relationship, she had to take responsibility for it and start communicating.
Darion assumed a more commanding posture and Julianne reacted to it even before he issued a stern challenge. “Expressing yourself honestly is not dictating, Julianne. There is an art to how you should ask, but you will master that in time. For now, trust that Nicolai is not selfish. He wants to satisfy you. By not expressing yourself, you leave him guessing. Given what he knows about your past, that’s a particularly cruel thing to do. The bottom line is this: only you can decide whether you are a little girl who blindly obeys or a woman with the strength to express herself and then submit.”
Julianne may have a gentle spirit, but there was a spark in her. Her past hadn’t snuffed it completely. The fighter emerged and introduced herself with flourish.
Violet met jade. “I am a woman,” she declared. “And I am asking you, Darion LeClair, to help me find the way to express myself to my man.”
“Brava.” He flashed an approving smile and savored her instantaneous reaction. “Expression is not limited to words, Julianne. I’m going to suggest something. If it makes you uncomfortable, tell me now. Any other time will be too late.”
He lowered his voice and infused it with a more seductive tenor. “I want you to submit to me. In front of Nicolai. In the foyer.”
Her eyes lit with excitement at the suggestion and he could practically hear Nicolai’s voice talking in her memory. “Yes. Nicolai asked me to express myself. He said it didn’t have to be a conversation. He told me to find a way. I promised. This is how I will honor my promise. Thank you for helping me find the way, Darion.”
The gratitude in her eyes was humbling.
“In the end, Julianne, I believe that
I will be thanking you.” He smiled a knowing smile. “Together, we will show Nicolai the real woman hidden beneath that lovely exterior and make him so sure of your needs that he will stop holding back. But if we do this, we do it my way. You are brave enough to fight for what you need, but are you strong enough to take me on?”
“Yes, sir.”
Darion watched as Julianne’s faith in him replaced her doubts. She was not only brave, but surprisingly determined. So determined that she agreed to submit to him without properly protecting herself. In their world, that type of behavior was entirely unacceptable. The wisdom of Nicolai’s hesitation with her was becoming more and more apparent.
“You’ve forgotten something very important in your eagerness, my lovely. We haven’t discussed limits. If I were to whip you in that foyer, how would you respond?”
Her breath hitched. “I don’t want that. I can’t do that,” she blurted the words with panicked desperation.
There was the wound. Whether the Colonel left a permanent scar on her psyche remained to be seen.
“Okay, Julianne. No whips.”
She grinned and looked directly at him. “How about spanking?”
“You would like that?”
Her eyes shot back to her hands. “I think so.”
“Spanking it is then. I have only one question left for you, Julianne. Are you absolutely sure? With me, there are no safe words. There is no holding back. Once we begin, we will finish on my terms.”
She hesitated. Something he said undermined her confidence.
“Speak openly.”
She looked him in the eye. “Nicolai told me to express my limits too, but I’ve never been spanked. I don’t really know how I will feel. How can I define limits when I don’t know what to expect?”
Frustration and embarrassment were equally clear in her expression, but she held his gaze.
“You just did exactly what Nicolai asked you to do. Expressing limits is not about knowing everything in advance. It’s about giving your fear to your lover and trusting him to know how far he can take you. Trust me, Julianne. I will know exactly how far I can take you.”
Her eyes fell to her lap again as she considered his words. When she looked up, the fighter had returned. “I trust you to care for me, Darion, and I’m absolutely sure. My past is gone. Nicolai is my future. I will not let anything or anyone, past, present or future, stand in the way of that.”
Darion was amazed. With those words, Julianne cast off the erroneous lessons of her past and entrusted her future to Nicolai. This woman was such a rare and precious gift for the man who possessed her. A talented Dom could dedicate years and never achieve this ideal, never bring a lover to the place where Julianne existed so naturally. Behind those violet eyes, so innocent and trusting, lay a survivor and a fighter. If not for his love for Nicolai, he would have claimed her for himself. As it was, he would more than enjoy what was to come.
Their lifestyle was a vocation for him, not just a game or a passing fancy, and he was determined that Nicolai and Julianne would find their place within it. He spent the next few hours coaching Julianne on how to behave when they returned to Nicolai. He knew Nicolai would be frantic with worry about her, but it was more important to make sure that everything he planned would be carried out to perfection. When he was satisfied that she was properly prepared, they left his apartment.
On the drive to Nicolai’s apartment, he dialed his protégé. Nicolai answered on the first ring. “Your Beauty is with me. I’m bringing her home. We have something very important to share with you. Wait for us in the foyer. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
*****
As soon as she saw Nicolai, Julianne forgot Darion’s instruction to remain by his side and started away.
A gentle touch on the shoulder reminded her to stay put. Nicolai approached with a determined gait, but Darion raised his hand to hold him at bay. He stopped. Before she could process what was happening, a punishing twist forced her view away from Nicolai. She found herself staring up into Darion’s jade eyes.
“Your Beauty has something to show you, Nicolai. Please allow her to do so.”
Nicolai didn’t speak. Every bit of her was burning to see his reaction, but she didn’t dare shift her eyes away from Darion. He was that intimidating.
Nicolai must have given some assent, because Darion transformed right in front of her. The change in his posture was subtle, but unmistakable. His shoulders set in a firm line. His stance became more rigid. He seemed somehow taller and if it was even possible, more intimidating.
This is my Dom. Her stomach knotted tight.
“Who is your Master today?” he asked in a low, controlled voice that held more command than she’d heard in it before.
“You are, sir.”
She stammered the words with less grace than she wanted, but she addressed Darion properly and remembered to keep her eyes fixed on his. Everything inside started to shake. This was far harder and far scarier than it seemed a few hours ago.
Darion towered over her, stern and threatening. Power radiated off him in waves. This man walked through life while the world bowed at his feet. Looking at him now, she understood the real reason why that was true.
How could I have agreed to this?
Fantasies aside, Darion wasn’t Nicolai. She loved Nicolai. She did not love Darion. Lust definitely, but not love. And trust? Darion said this was the right thing to do, but at the moment, she honestly wasn’t sure. She didn’t really know the man who would control her in this scene. The realization hit her hard, making her afraid. But she shoved away the fear. She had to do this. She would do this. For herself and for Nicolai.
Darion looked at her with approval, as if he could read the complicated trail of her thoughts simply by the look on her face. “Do you want this to happen, Julianne?”
He told her he would ask this. It was her last chance to stop what they had planned. She had to verbally take ownership of what would happen between them before he would continue.
She steeled her nerves and said perhaps the two hardest words she’d ever uttered, “Yes, sir.”
He turned to Nicolai. “Do I have your permission?”
Darion explained this protocol too. She belonged to Nicolai. Out of respect for him, no one would touch her without his permission. To do otherwise was a sign of disrespect that was punishable within the Order. Even though Nicolai had obviously given his permission to both Jacques and Darion on other occasions, a very big part of her never believed he would give it to Darion in this scenario.
“Yes. You have my permission.”
The words sent deeper frissons of fear racing through her.
“Strip. Everything off. Put your things on the chair and return to me.”
She raised trembling hands to the buttons on her blouse and began to undress. What had Darion said would happen next? Merde. I should have listened more carefully.
In her fear, she instinctively turned back to Nicolai. The look of regret in his eyes stopped her short. Darion was right. Nicolai needed to see this or he would never believe the truth about her. Never stop holding back or regretting when he did not. She promised him that she would express herself, but she had failed in every other attempt. Words were not the way for her. She had to believe this was.
If I have to show him by submitting to Darion, so be it.
“You must learn the truth about yourself as well, Julianne, without fear of disappointing him if you learn something you don’t expect.”
How could Darion possibly know that?
She told him about her fantasies, but she had been very careful not to reveal those niggling doubts about whether she could act on them. She hadn’t told him that she didn’t understand the boundaries of her own sexuality. She hadn’t said that she implicitly understood what Nicolai needed in a lover and was desperately afraid she would disappoint him. Yet Darion knew. He saw it all.
“Do you trust me not to harm what is yours, Nicolai?”
Hearing Nicolai say yes to that question was exactly what she needed to garner the courage to go on. She squared her shoulders and turned back to kneel at Darion’s feet, positioning herself exactly the way he wanted. A willing submissive offering herself, head bowed, knees apart, hands laid on the thighs, palms up.
She remembered Darion’s words. Your submission always belongs to Nicolai, even when he gives you to another. She suddenly had to be sure that Nicolai understood her loyalty. She snapped her head up and looked over to him.
“You and only you,” she said urgently, then lowered her eyes.
Neither man corrected her for speaking without permission.
She could see Darion remove his shirt from beneath her hooded lids. She wanted to look directly at him, but kept her gaze down. That sexy-as-sin mind reader was going to play with her and hurt her while her lover watched the whole thing. No safe words. No turning back. Her decision was made before she stepped into this room. She was truly terrified, far more than she expected to be.
Darion came to her side. His hand dangled over his pant leg and she noticed that he hadn’t removed his watch. A tattoo on his forearm read, Trust is earned. The words comforted her in an odd way. He reached out, his fingers trailing through her hair, before moving to crouch behind her. Lifting the strands with one hand, he ran his fingertips over the erogenous zones at her neck and shoulders. She could feel his eyes on her skin even though she couldn’t see him.
A low hum of arousal began inside of her.
“Like silk. You are correct, Nicolai. This one is a fine piece of art.”
Nicolai didn’t answer.
Warm fingers slid down her arms to bring each wrist to the small of her back. He began to tie her. Nicolai had bound her much more securely than Darion’s simple wrap, but this binding was distinctly harder. She felt trapped and helpless. Everything Darion did scared and aroused at the same time, but at the moment, scared was winning. She twisted her wrists. The binding held. Her breath picked up and she began to panic.
Masterpiece (The Masters of The Order Book 1) Page 26