by T. Isilwath
“I will never hit you,” she repeated. ‘I swear, if I ever meet these S.O.Bs, I’ll give them a piece of my mind.’
“Joanna-sama…” he said, his voice rough and broken as he began to shiver, his lower lip trembling as he continued to stare at her.
She could feel his body tensing and shaking under her hands, and she grabbed his arms and pulled them forward, forcing his body out of its bent position as his eyes narrowed and he began to breathe shallowly.
“Don’t… Get out of that position. It’s horrible. I don’t ever want to see you in it again,” she told him, trying to keep her voice steady and calm.
“Why?” he choked, looking down where her hands were holding his.
She shook her head. “Because friends don’t beat friends. Friends don’t hurt friends like that. I’ll never hurt you. I’ll never beat you. Not ever.” His answer was a tiny sniffle as he dropped his eyes and tugged his hands from her grip, curling them up to his chest in a defensive position. It was clear that he did not understand her refusal to punish him, nor did he know what was expected of him. The lost, defeated look on his face broke her heart, and she fought to keep from pulling him into a tight hug because she didn’t know if such physical closeness would make things worse.
‘My god how many times has he been flogged? He automatically assumed that I would beat him. He even cut his own bamboo stick and offered me his naked back. How many times has someone made him harvest his own switch then submit himself to the pain and humiliation of a public whipping? And then to expect me to treat him the same way because he made a mistake? Akihiro, my poor fox, how horrible your life has been.’
She ached for him, for the abuse he must have suffered and the cruelty he must have endured, and she began to cry.
‘What do I do? How can I help him? What is the right way to respond?’
In that moment, she desperately missed her grandmother. Elisi would have known exactly what to do, and she longed for the old woman’s advice. As it was, she was warring with herself and floundering with uncertainty.
‘Aki… how can I make you understand?’
He must have smelled her tears because he looked up and gasped when he saw them. One clawed finger tentatively reached up to touch the wetness on her face as his eyes opened wide.
“What is…? Tears?” he breathed in disbelief. “For me?” Her answer was a sniff as she squeezed her eyes shut to stop them, but more fell and his trembling fingers wiped them away.
“Why?” he asked. “Why do you cry for me?”
She looked at him, shaking her head slightly as she found her voice.
“Because somebody has to. For all the hate and pain you’ve suffered,” she answered, stroking his upper arms with gentle hands. “For all the people who have hurt you and made you think you deserve to be beaten.” She felt something break inside him and his own tears rose in his eyes. He grimaced, his fists clenching, and his face contorted with pain.
“Don’t cry for me!” he blurted suddenly. “I’m not worth your tears. I’m not worth anyone’s tears! I’m a worthless, half-blood hanyou! ”
“Aki…” she tried, but he ripped his arms from her hands.
“Why? Why won’t you beat me? Why won’t you hurt me? Why don’t you
hate me!” he pleaded.
“Aki! Aki, stop!”
“Why? Why! ” he cried, puncturing his palms with his nails.
He gave a strangled cry as tears poured down his face in rivers, and she was afraid that he would run away, seriously hurt himself, or both.
‘Screw it! I’m going with my gut!’ she decided and grabbed him roughly, pulling him into a tight hug.
He resisted, but she wouldn’t let go and he collapsed against her.
“Why?” he begged again. “I don’t understand!”
“Because you aren’t a worthless hanyou. You’re my friend and I care about you,” she told him fervently, stroking his back and rubbing the base of his neck.
Her words did nothing to placate him, in fact they seemed to make him worse, because he suddenly threw his arms around her and clutched her desperately, almost crushing her.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please!” he pleaded.
‘Oh, Aki. My poor fox. My poor, sweet fox…’
She rocked him, holding him close, heedless of the vice grip he had around her chest. “Shhhh. It’s okay. I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I flushed them too soon! I ruined the hunt!”
“It’ll be okay. Don’t worry about that,” she assured him.
“I’m sorry!”
“I know. I know you’re sorry. I forgive you, Akihiro. It’s okay.” He heaved and began to howl, his voice tearing out of him as he shook violently. She hugged him even tighter and petted his hair and ears, murmuring endearments and words of comfort to soothe him as he wept.
“Shhhhhh. Shhhh. Don’t cry, my fox. Don’t cry. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay, Akihiro,” she whispered, continuing to rock him as she would a distraught child.
Her absolution only made him sob harder and he cried until he couldn’t cry anymore. She closed her eyes and listened to him, holding him as his body shuddered in her arms. His hands gripped her so tightly that she was sure to have bruises, but she didn’t care and didn’t let him know that he was hurting her. She didn’t even care when the water on the fire started boiling, and she ignored it until he was finished weeping.
When he finally relaxed his grip and pulled back a little, she rested her forehead against his and massaged his ears. He looked at her through reddened eyes, then sniffled and dropped his face to her shoulder, nuzzling her neck and pressing close as she patted his back.
“There, there. You’re all right now.”
He calmed and grew quiet, his breathing slowing down to small hitching gasps that puffed against her skin. She kept holding him, crooning under her breath as the tremors that shook his body ebbed and slowly died. A few moments later he carefully pulled himself out of her embrace and sat next to her.
He was still sniffling, but he’d gotten himself under control, and he was now wiping his cheeks roughly to rub away the tears. She offered him a cup of water which he accepted gratefully.
While he drank his water, she poured the soup mix into the boiling pot and stirred it. A few minutes later the meager supper was ready, and she ladled out two bowls for them. She placed one bowl in front of him, then sat beside him to eat her own meal. He stared at the soup, but made no move to pick it up.
“You’re not eating?” she asked softly.
She saw him swallow hard and lick his bottom lip before answering. “I did nothing to contribute to this meal. I have no right to eat it.” Angrily she set her bowl down, picked his up and put it in his lap, forcing him to cup his hands around it lest it spill.
“And no one will sit at my fire and go hungry,” she said firmly. “Now eat.
I know it isn’t much, but it’s food and it doesn’t taste that bad.” Returning to her own meal, she picked up her bowl and resumed eating. A moment later she noticed out of the corner of her eye that the bowl was still cradled in his palms, but that he hadn’t made any move to eat. Then she heard a soft sniffle and looked fully at him.
He’d started to cry again and tears were dripping off of his chin. He looked lost and broken and his hands were trembling.
“Akihiro?”
He sobbed and shook his head. Then he placed the untouched bowl of soup down on the ground and fled the grove, refusing to answer or look at her. She jumped to her feet and called his name, but he was already gone.
“Aki…” she whispered to the space where he had disappeared, and placed a hand on the trunk of the nearest tree.
‘Please watch over him.’
The trees agreed and she knew they would alert her if something happened to him within their sensing range.
:We will watch. We will tell,: they promised.
She finished her dinner alone, but the so
up tasted like sand in her mouth, and the empty place beside her was keenly felt. It started to rain again after she washed the dishes, and she headed back into the hollow to get out of the elements. The storm worsened into a downpour as night fell, with lightning and thunder rumbling through the forest, and she sat up waiting for Akihiro, hoping he would come back safely. The king tree tried to comfort her in her worry, but its soothing brought little solace. She kept seeing his lost, shattered face, kept hearing his heartbroken sobs in her memory, and the longer he was gone, the more concerned she became. She wanted her fox back, wanted him safe and dry where she knew no one would hurt him.
She felt a little guilty but she had to admit that she was getting attached to him. It caused quite a bit of conflict inside of her that was sometimes very hard to deal with. She still loved Michael, and she wanted to stay faithful to him, but it had been almost two months, and she had no idea if she would ever be rescued. Akihiro was there, and he was sweet and a good friend. She didn’t love him the way she loved Michael, but he was companionship and comfort and a pair of willing, helping hands. Having him around made life less lonely (and a great deal easier), and she missed him when he wasn’t there.
It was difficult to think about, but she knew there was a very real possibility that she might never make it back home. With every dose of insulin she administered, she was one step closer to running out, and once it was gone there was no way to get more. The trees and her dreams still gave her no indication one way or the other if she would be found or not, but the one thing she held on to was Michael’s assurance that things would be okay. Still, there was a nagging doubt at the back of her mind as the days wore on and no one came to find her. She knew part of it was the depression brought on by the rains and lack of sunlight, but that wasn’t all of it.
According to her insulin pump, it was June 30th gods-knew-what-year.
She’d been in Japan for 54 days. If she stayed at her current usage level, she theoretically had enough insulin to last her until the third week of September, but her diabetes was unstable, and sometimes she used more or less insulin depending on her diet, the amount of stress she was under, and how much insulin her body produced.
It seemed so unfair. Back in her time, huge strides in diabetes research were producing very promising results. For the first time, diabetics and millions of other people suffering from chronic diseases were facing the possibility of cures being developed sometime in their lifetimes. It was a twisted joke of Fate that she was trapped in pre-industrial Japan while her century was on the verge of curing her disease permanently.
She had a lot going for her, however. Physically, she was in the best shape she’d been in since she moved away from California. She was also eating 100%
organic food by default so she didn’t have the added stressors of preservatives, pesticides and artificial ingredients. With luck, she could hold out until the engineers back in 2012 figured out what had happened and came to get her.
At the same time, all of the physical activity did put a strain on her body and she had to be careful not to overdo it. If she got sick or hurt or had to change her diet, she would also use more insulin, and once her implanted birth control ran out, the steady supply of female hormones that regulated her body’s cycles would cease. The return of fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels would drastically influence the amount of insulin she used per day, especially at first when her body was readjusting to regulating its cycles without artificial help.
Right now it was a waiting game, and she couldn’t predict the ultimate outcome, which brought her back to the issue of Michael and Akihiro. She and Akihiro were bonding. She couldn’t deny that. But at the same time, she wasn’t willing to give up on ever seeing Michael again. Michael was still the holder of her heart, and there wasn’t a day that went by that she didn’t think of him. Still, Akihiro was growing on her, and she knew he was already besotted.
She didn’t really want him as a lover. By his own admission he was still an adolescent, which meant he was a child in her eyes. Yes, she and Michael had been teenagers when they lost their virginity, but the difference had been that they had both been teenagers at the time, not the skewed difference in “age” she and Akihiro faced now. He was a true innocent, and she knew what it would mean to him, especially since she was probably the only person who would ever want him. If she were to sleep with him, then die or be rescued he would be devastated. Plus, if she was found, she would have to explain it to Michael, and she would never hurt him, or their relationship, in that way.
There was also the added complication that Akihiro didn’t know her real story because she’d been hiding the true nature of her predicament from him. In the days of their confinement in the hollow due to rain, she had given him extensive lessons on how to handle a hypoglycemic episode, and he had learned how to recognize the signs and give her a glucose tablet or a shot with her emergency glucagon pen. He had also taken it upon himself to learn how to read her meter, and while he didn’t really understand the significance of the numbers, he knew her target area and could recognize when her level was too high or too low.
But she’d never actually explained what was going on or what would happen when her insulin ran out. He was so concerned with her “blood sickness” and her health that she knew if he truly understood the danger she was in, he would worry incessantly. As a result, she had carefully steered the conversation away from certain subjects when they had gotten too close, although she did know that she would have to tell him the truth eventually. She wouldn’t betray his trust or affections for her by dying on him without ever telling him why.
Still, how does one tell someone who obviously worships the ground you walk on, that you have a fatal disease and you are going to die? There wasn’t an easy way to do it under the best of circumstances, let alone the ones she found herself in. She had barely come to terms with her own mortality and the likelihood of her death. How could she expect Akihiro to accept the truth without her telling him everything? And once she did tell him, would he think she had misled him or deceived him by not telling him earlier? Would she lose him as a friend because he couldn’t stand to watch her die? Would he stay or would she end up alone in the grove of Sugi, facing the slow, wasting death of untreated diabetes all by herself?
Everything weighed heavily on her, like the rain and the humid air, and she found herself in a dark and dismal mood. Akihiro had been gone for hours and there was no sign of him. She had to admit that she was growing more and more concerned as the storm picked up and the winds worsened. He was out in it and she ached to think of him huddled somewhere in the forest, wet and forlorn. She waited up for him as long as she could before exhaustion forced her into her sleeping bag, but she slept fitfully and every little noise woke her.
Finally, sometime in the deep dark of night, she was awakened by a sense of Other nearby. She recognized it immediately as Akihiro, and she sat up to look around. She didn’t hear him breathing or sense his warmth in the hollow so she knew he hadn’t come inside.
“Akihiro?” she called, but there was no answer.
Outside she could hear the storm raging, the wind shaking the tree limbs and the rain pouring down. Then a burst of lightning lit up the grove outside the hollow, and she thought she saw a figure crouched under the entryway made by the rain tarp. She crawled out of her sleeping bag and reached over to turn on the little, battery powered lamp. Light flooded the hollow, and she nearly jumped out of her skin when Akihiro’s face suddenly appeared in the entry. He reacted to her cry, and the bright light, by cowering and shielding his face with both arms.
“Akihiro,” she whispered softly and went to him.
She saw immediately that he was dripping wet, and she gently took his arms and lowered them so she could look him in the eye. He looked haggard and exhausted, and he was shivering, but she wasn’t sure if it was because of cold or emotion. It didn’t matter, though, because she was so glad to see him.
“Come insid
e, my fox,” she said, coaxing him forward into the shelter.
He obeyed, but knelt in the middle of the hollow with his head down and his hands clasped in front of his chest. She fished a towel out of her pack and carefully placed it over his head to pat dry his dripping hair, then she untied his belt and began peeling off his sodden kosode. He allowed her to do it, letting her slip the garment off until he was bare-chested, and the kosode lay in a wet heap under the rain tarp. She used the towel to rub his skin dry and redressed him in the oversized, green kosode he kept there for when he went back to his village.
Once he was covered by the upper garment, she persuaded him out of his wet nobakama pants, sliding them off his long legs and using the rough cloth to wipe the mud from his feet. She tossed the pants out under the rain tarp with the soaked kosode, towel dried his legs, and rubbed the water out of his tail. She did all of it without speaking or making any sudden moves, and she kept her touch light and gentle. Through it all, he didn’t say a word and did not stop shivering, and she suspected that he had reverted to his fox instincts much the same way he had after his aborted trip into Edo.
When she was finished drying him off, she took his favorite blanket from his bed - her Cherokee blanket shawl - and draped it over his shoulders as she guided him to her own bedding. She unzipped her sleeping bag and opened it, then bade him to lie down next to her, covering them both up and cradling him in her arms as she turned off the lamp and cloaked the hollow in darkness once again. He trembled in her embrace for several long moments, then suddenly let out a low whine and relaxed, his arm coming around her.
“Joanna-sama…” he choked, his voice hoarse and faint.
“Shhhh. I’m here. Sleep, my fox. You’re safe now.” He gave a tiny ragged sob and pressed close, his nose nuzzling into the crook of her neck, and she swore she felt him lick the pulse point on her throat.
She tightened her arm around him, and he responded by throwing a leg over hers and shifting until he was practically on top of her. For a moment she was afraid he was going to ask her for attentions that she didn’t want to give, but then his breathing evened out and his body went limp. She smiled to herself, happy that he was safe, and a few minutes later she fell into peaceful, dreamless sleep.