by Keri Lake
His hands are foreign to me this way, and instinct begs me to push him away for touching me so tenderly, like that of a lover. At the same time, he’s careful and attentive, like Valdys. He brushes my hair away from my neck and kisses my shoulder over the fabric, while Valdys draws me in deeper, distracting me with his lips.
An edge of tension burns through Valdys, in his lips that turn to more fervent kisses, and the muscles flexing in his arms, as if he’s imagining his hands throttling Cadmus for touching me.
Placing my hand to his cheek, I break his kiss and peer into his eyes, holding his stare, while Cadmus kisses along the edge of my neck. I want Valdys to know my thoughts are of only his hands and lips on my body, and I close my eyes to kiss him again.
The edginess from before eases a bit, and I feel his hands snake their way beneath the hem of my shirt, lifting it as he runs his palms up my belly to my breasts.
I stand shivering, in spite of the arid warmth and the heat given off by the two of them. My heart is pounding an incessant beat of sudden uncertainty. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be shared by two, and as if he can sense my anxiety, Valdys cups my face in his hands and kisses me again, the assurance on his lips somehow providing a calming effect to the growing distrust of my body.
He bends forward lifting my shirt to take one of my nipples into his mouth and lowers himself to his knees. Even at that height, he could swallow me with his form. My flesh pebbles beneath the gentle lap of his tongue, as he licks and sucks, and I arch my back against Cadmus who buries his face in my neck. Dragging his nose up to my jawline, his hot breath hits the drops of water across my throat, sending shivers down my spine. I’m exposed and vulnerable, somehow wired to the two of them, as every nerve ending flares to life, and I expel a sharp exhale that Cadmus captures in his mouth as he slants his lips over mine. His kiss is soft and reverent, and he holds my jaw to keep me from breaking away. The lack of breath leaves me dizzy, almost drunk on the intoxicating mix of pain and excitement on his tongue. I can feel the torment beating through him, the unspoken agony that festers at his very core. Not unlike Valdys the first time we were together.
Greedy hands slide over my skin, touching, squeezing, exploring every curve of my body.
It occurs to me that there’s enough power between the two of them to break every bone with these hands, and yet, the gentle glide of their palms has only stoked a hum of excitement beneath my skin. I surrender myself to the two of them, the tension in my muscles softening with their attentive caresses.
Wet palms slide down my trembling thighs, as Cadmus snakes his hands inside my pants, taking a moment to run his fingers over my hip and pubic bone.
I suspect the silence between the two is Cadmus’s best effort not to set Valdys off and bring his enjoyment to a crashing halt, but I appreciate it just the same.
Valdys imparts the same attention to my other breast, his thumb lightly circling the other swollen nipple as the water adds a slippery layer between my flesh and his fingers.
A palm slides up my thigh, and I feel Cadmus’s shaky breath fall against my neck, as his fingers circle my entrance, prodding me with a warning. He guides my arm behind my back, his hand set over mine, as he curls our hands around the base of his shaft, squeezing when he draws our hands up toward the tip. Perhaps only half for his pleasure, but also to show me the pain I would endure with his girth. He escorts my hand back down his length, painting a picture inside my head of what he’d feel like.
I focus on the texture of his flesh, the bumps and ridges that weren’t there the night he put my hands on him before being dragged away to the tunnels. These are the jagged edges of wounds and scarring, of mutilation and inflicted pain. Frowning, I allow his hand to impart a dark and horrific story of a man who was made to suffer. It’s a mental diversion to the ministrations of both men, one that begs me to pull my hand away from him, but I don’t. I allow him to reveal the extent of his punishment and blink away the tears so Valdys doesn’t think it’s Cadmus who’s hurt me.
This isn’t lust, or sex. It’s a silent confession of the hell that breathes within him.
As the I stroke him, he slips his hand around my throat, squeezing enough to part my lips on a gasp, but quickly loosens his grip--I suspect at the look of disapproval Valdys gives him.
Gaze trailing up to Cadmus, Valdys massages both of my breasts, his jaw tight, while I writhe against him in obvious torment from both Alphas. “Gentle,” he warns.
Cadmus releases my hand from his cock, offering some reprieve to my excruciating remorse, and buries his face in my hair, exhaling a shaky breath. “For you? I’ll be gentle.”
An arm bands around my midsection, sending me forward just enough that I fall into Valdys, still on his knees. Stroking his thumb down my temple, Valdys stares back at me, as I clutch his shoulders, undoubtedly taking notice of my preoccupation that’s more for Cadmus than myself.
Eyes closed over tears, I wait for his intrusion to disclose the full scope of his pain and vexation. The agony within him that’s sure to bleed into me with every spiteful thrust.
Seconds pass.
I look up to see Valdys watching him, his brows pinched with confusion.
Before I can turn around, Valdys jumps to his feet, his jaw and muscles tight. One hard yank tears at my shoulder and the water rushes past me, as Valdys puts himself between me and Cadmus. Around his massive body, I peek to find Cadmus clutching his skull, his face screwed up in agony. An angry bellow echoes through the canyon, skating down my spine, and those wounds I felt across his flesh earlier flare to life inside my head.
Quaking with tension, his chest rises and falls, his eyes lost and vacant again.
“Cadmus?” Sidestepping Valdys, I feel a tight grip on my arm and pause.
Valdys shakes his head, his gaze flicking between Cadmus and me.
I take his arm and gently run my thumb over his skin. “Please.”
There’s trepidation in his eyes, telling me he doesn’t trust Cadmus, but when I pry his fingers loose, he doesn’t fight me. Instead, he stands poised, ready for attack.
Quiet mumblings draw my attention back to Cadmus, whose hands have moved to covering his ears. Eyes clamped, he whispers to himself, words I can’t make out over the white noise of the distant waterfall.
Careful not to startle him, I reach out and set my hand against his arm. “Cadmus?”
He recoils, eyelids shooting open, and jumps back from me. Water splashes around him with his backward tripping, and he catches himself again.
“Cadmus what happened just now?”
Lowering his gaze, he frowns and shakes his head, scratching at the needle wound on his arm. “Fuck, I can’t do this. I can’t.”
“Your scars. They hurt you?”
His jaw hardens, his eyes swirling with contempt. “Isn’t as pretty as it used to be, is it?”
“What did they do to you?”
The shine in his eyes brings me to tears, but he doesn’t answer. The defeat staring back at me speaks of every mutilating strike against him. Whatever he’s suffered, it’s destroyed him, both mentally and physically.
He closes his eyes for a moment, as a tear streaks down over a scar on his face, and shakes his head.
I reach out to touch him, and he captures my hand, his eyes burning with venom. He must catch sight of Valdys, and he releases me. With my thumb, I wipe the trail of his tear from his skin. “They did horrible things to you.”
His eyes sweep over everything but me, as if he can’t stand to look at me. “You don’t think I know what this is? A pity fuck. Poor Cadmus. Let’s give a consolation fuck to make him feel better. Piss on you. Piss on both of you!” The tension in his voice carries the sharp bite of anger that he keeps tucked behind his clenched teeth. “You’re the reason those scars are there.”
“Cadmus! Enough!” Valdys’s voice thunders from behind me, and the splash of water is a signal of his intent to attack, but I reach back to stop him, sha
king my head.
Tears swell in my eyes, and I have to turn away from Cadmus, because as much as I want to throw those words back in his face, the truth is, they hurt. I swallow back the wobble in my throat and sniff. “Whatever pain I’ve caused you, I’m sorry.” I step toward him and rest my hand against his chest, which flinches beneath my palm. As much as it pains me to stare into the darkness behind his eyes, the depths of which likely hold terrors I can’t even begin to imagine, I don’t look away from him. “You don’t have to say anything.”
The first evidence of shame flickers across his face. A shaky blast of air expels from his nose as he lowers his head, a sob breaking through his teeth. I wrap my arms around him, drawing myself against him, and rest my head to his heart. Every tremble of his muscles beats through me in a constant rhythm of pain and misery, and I hold him tighter, letting him break down.
His massive arms engulf me, and he falls to his knees, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “Fuck,” he whispers. “I’m so fucked.”
“You’re not. You’re going to be okay.” I stroke his shaved head, laying a kiss to the top of it. “We’re all going to be okay again.”
Beside the fire, the three of us lie on outspread sleeping bags, Cadmus breathing easy, the occasional twitch of his muscles telling me he’s fallen asleep behind me. I tell myself that, up until the point Cadmus succumbed to his nightmares, what happened between us wasn’t sexual. It wasn’t fantasy, but a small bit of comfort that I could give to a man whose blood runs through me. One who saved my life by sparing me the nightmares that I can see plague him. I don’t know what those scars are, and as much as it troubles me, I can’t bear to ask him. He’s not the same man he was before they took him away, though, this much is certain.
My hope is that, someday, I’ll catch that wily smirk on his face and know the man has finally conquered the demons battling inside of him. For now, I’m content with knowing he sleeps in what appears to be some level of peace.
Valdys lies on his back, staring up at the stars again. I think this is what I love most about him. That a man so strong and domineering can possibly be tempered with a gentle touch and attention to things most of us take for granted. He’s the most extraordinary thing that’s ever happened to me in my eighteen years. And yet, I harbor this inexplicable fear of losing him. Maybe the guilt still lingers inside me, but the nature of this world is to take, and somehow I feel as if wanting forever with him makes me too greedy for it.
It’s a wonder we fall in love, at all. Sometimes, I think we’re all just innately drawn to heartache. Why else would we dare to fall so deeply, knowing what consequences may lie ahead?
“You’re not angry with me? For allowing him to touch me?” I wouldn’t blame him if he was. Seeing him with another woman would crush me in ways I can’t begin to fathom. But then I think of Neela, and I try to imagine how differently she might’ve been, with someone like Valdys. How his soothing touch might’ve given her one moment of light in the dark world that ultimately consumed her.
For her, I might’ve been willing to sacrifice one night with him, as well.
“My love for you goes beyond flesh. Beyond reason. There isn’t anything you can do to change that.” His lips press against mine, assuring me, comforting me, as only he can, before his gaze returns to the sky.
Twinges of panic beat inside my chest. A man isn’t supposed to be this understanding. This kind and loving. It’s unbalanced for the years of pain and loss I’ve come to know.
“What else is troubling you?”
I tearfully smile at his ability to read me without even having to look. “I’m afraid. Afraid that I might love you too much.”
“Is that possible?”
I’d chuckle at that, but the anxiety inside of me seems to have doubled in the last hour while lying beside him. “Nothing in this world is given, only taken, and I fear you’ll be taken from me. I have nightmares about it. And there’s nothing that would be more painful than losing you.”
He breaks his stargazing to kiss me on the forehead. “It would take all of hell to pull me away from you, and the army would have to be exceptional.”
“It is. Legion is the biggest army there is.”
Lifting his head, he guides my eyes to his, until all I want to do is drown in that stormy gray sea. “And they still couldn’t keep me from you.”
I tip my head back to kiss him, promising myself I’ll not ruin these moments with him for things I can’t control. “What was your name before? Before Calico?”
“Cyrus. It’s been so long since I’ve heard it, doesn’t feel like mine anymore.” With a sigh, he mindlessly runs his finger up and down my shoulder, springing goosebumps there. “Sometimes, I hear my mother call to me in dreams. But it holds nothing for me. No memory. No meaning.”
I don’t say anything in response, and instead watch him tip his head back toward the sky, enthralled by the wonder gleaming in his eyes.
“I never thought I’d see stars like this again,” he says. “Had I not followed you, had I not met you, I doubt I ever would have again.”
Tracing my finger down his square jaw, I smile. “I’m glad you followed me.” I tip my head to the sky, too. If there is such a thing as Heaven, I’ve touched it.
In a world that takes so much and gives nothing in return, I’ve found reason to be grateful with Valdys.
A crackle snaps my attention to the opposite side of the fire, where Titus stands, holding a half dozen rabbits by their ears. He jerks his head, and I follow the path of his gaze toward Cadmus, who hasn’t stirred, even with the sound of Titus’s footsteps. At the query in his eyes, silently asking whether Cadmus is okay, or not, I give a solemn nod.
In truth, I don’t know if he’ll be okay. I’ve seen horrors in my life, the likes of which I hope to never see again, but all of them fall short when compared to what now churns inside the Alpha’s head.
Chapter 34
Somehow, two days pass in this hidden paradise. We spend the afternoons playing in the waterfall, wasting the hours away like children, and nights are spent lying beneath the stars.
What happened with Cadmus wasn’t a mistake, I’m certain of that now, as I’ve watched him slowly reconnect over the last couple days. Though, he still has his moments, particularly at night, when dreams seem to transport him back to those tunnels. Those nights, he wakes, bellowing my name, and he wraps himself around me, until he falls back asleep. For the most part, though, he’s relaxed somewhat, the beauty of this place working its magic on his state of mind. My hope is, in time, we can all move on from the trauma we suffered together.
It wasn’t out of necessity, or because I was programmed by Calico to be shared by these men, that I offered myself to him. What I did for Cadmus was born out of compassion. Something beyond flesh and fantasies. A concept that would’ve been rejected in the world my mother grew up in, where the power of human touch was thought to be silly magic likened to witchcraft.
One might argue that’s how we arrived in this world, where rampant cruelty has stripped us of such basic needs of contact and affection. The one thing that separates us from other animals, and without it, we are nothing more than empty shells waiting to be swept away. Maybe we evolved into this violence.
This evening, Valdys has joined Titus on the hunt for food, hoping to double the bounty for our travels, leaving me with Cadmus. Even in his moments of play and laughter, Valdys has remained ever vigilant. Always watching. Waiting. As much as we’ve grown to love this little oasis, he insists that we leave at first light.
The fire crackles as I sit beside it, my legs tucked into my body, watching Cadmus emerge from the pool. He shakes off the water, before toppling beside me on the dirt, and I giggle as cold drops from his body shower me.
As he settles at my side, I elbow him in the arm. “How are you? Feeling better?”
“I have moments … it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s a dream. Like here. Right now with you. I’m waiting f
or the world to split open to a dark cavernous hole and suck me in.”
“Verisimilitude.”
“What?”
“When my father died, I used to have horrible daydreams, too. I swear I’d see him, sometimes, like a mirage in the desert. My mother told me that if my father ever spoke that word to me in one of my dreams, that it likely wasn’t him, because he could neither say, nor knew, the meaning of the word.”
Cadmus smiles at that and gives a nod. “Veri … simi …”
“Verisimilitude.”
“Verisimilitude.” He repeats the word and hikes a knee up, resting his elbow atop of it. “Now, how does that help me?”
“It’s not for you. It’s for me. If ever I ask if you’re okay, and you tell me that word, I’ll know it’s really you in there. Assuming you remember how to say it.” I brush my finger over the stubble of hair on his head. “If not, I’ll know to wrap you in my arms and hang on to you, until you come back.”
His smile stretches, and he links his thick fingers into mine. “Verisimilitude.”
A sound echoes through the canyon, and I snap my head up.
Cadmus seems to have heard it, too, as he sits forward, scanning the waters.
Another sound, much like the first, reverberates again, like a distant roar, and I listen carefully, wondering if it’s human. Footsteps splashing through water arrives from the left of me, and I push to a stand, watching a figure stumble into the camp.
Chest heaving, Titus trips, tumbles to the ground, and pushes back to his feet. As he nears the fire, I take notice of the blood glistening off his body.
“Titus? Where’s Valdys?” I search beyond him, but there’s nothing except empty darkness. “Where is he? Where’s Valdys?”
His face screws up in such a way that makes my stomach sink with dread. Terror pulses through my veins, and at the sound of approaching footsteps, I back away on instinct.
No. Please, God, no.
Five Legion soldiers step into view, and as they draw near, Cadmus pushes me behind him. All five carry guns, and those spears they use back in Calico to subdue the Alphas.