by Lulu Pratt
“Hopefully, more of this and less of that,” I reply, sitting myself back beside Carrie.
As I sit down, I reach across and take Carrie’s hand. I kiss the back of it and smile at her. I say nothing, but the way I look at her speaks volumes. She returns the look, too. We are both in love.
“So, let me guess,” Amy sighs. “You’re doing all the work here, Carrie, while Blake puts his feet up for the next six months? He’ll start calling you the Baby Carrier soon.”
Carrie snorts.
I clear my throat. “Actually, Amy, if you must know, I would argue that I’m doing just as much work as Carrie, minus the actual carrying of the baby. In fact, if anything, Carrie is slacking off.”
“Excuse me?” Carrie blusters and frowns. “Who was it that had to drag you to the bookstore to buy all those baby books?”
“I agree,” I say. “But now that we have them, who has read the most?”
“Well, that’s debatable,” Carrie says softly, and she looks away, unwilling to meet my challenge.
I laugh. I know, too well, that I’ve read more than her.
“Oh, baby books!” Amy squeals. “Show me, show me.”
“Why?” I ask. “Planning on joining the fun?”
“Just curious,” Amy replies.
“Okay, one sec,” I get up from the table and hurry into the main bedroom where the majority of the books are stored. I pick up a handful and make my way back to the dining room where I offload them into Amy’s outstretched hands.
“Hmm, What You Need To whatever. And Five Things You Never blah blah. Oh, and of course, The Most Important Thing that is totally common sense. All these books are rather presumptuous, aren’t they?” Amy shakes her head. “They just assume you’re a hopeless case who doesn’t know one end of a baby from the other.”
“Ha, that was Blake before the books,” Carrie says.
“Hey,” I cut in, as I pretend to get angry. “I was pretty sure that the head was located on the top of the baby. And these books just confirm it. Although I’m still not sure which end the diaper goes on.”
“Okay, I admit I was wrong,” Amy says. “Clearly Blake is just as committed as you are, Carrie.”
I actually have a surprise for Carrie that I have been waiting to show her. I organized it ages ago but have since kept it a secret. And now, considering the theme of the conversation, I figure it’s a perfect opportunity to show just how seriously I am taking this pregnancy.
“Well,” I begin. “There is one more thing I can do to show you how far I’ve come. And I promise that by the end, even you, Carrie will be forced to admit that I’ve outdone you and outmaneuvered you in every way. You’ll be calling me the Baby Master.”
“What have you done?” Carrie asks. She looks at me curiously, scrunching up her face.
“Follow me.”
I take Carrie by the hand and stand from the table. Amy follows, and I lead the two women up the stairs and down the hallway. There’s a room down at the end of it, located just off the master bedroom. When Carrie first asked about it, I told her it was a storage room. But it isn’t.
I reach the door, pull out my keys and unlock it. Once I hear the lock click, I slowly push the door open and step inside.
“Ta-da!” I say.
I smile in delight as I watch both Carrie’s and Amy’s faces drop in shock.
The room is actually a nursery. I had it turned into one last week while Carrie was at doctors’ appointments and back at her old place getting a few things. She was gone for the day and I took advantage of her absence.
There’s a crib in the middle, with a mobile dangling above it. There are stuffed bears, a stuffed elephant and a stuffed high-five emoji in the crib too. And the walls are yellow, a neutral color. Boy or girl, I can’t wait to be a father, and I hope that this proves it to Carrie.
“Oh my God,” she exclaims as she takes in the room. “I can’t believe it. When did you do this?”
“So, you like it?” I ask. The thought just occurred to me that maybe I should have asked Carrie to help me decorate it, and there is a small chance she might actually be upset.
“Like it? I love it!” She rushes across the room and throws her arms around me.
“So, ladies, does this settle the debate?” I ask with a broad grin.
Amy raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms. Carrie kisses me on the cheek.
“I suppose so,” Amy says with reluctance.
“I don’t know what I can do now to catch up to you,” Carrie says, laughing. “Because, yes, you definitely win.”
“All you have to do is have the baby,” I say. “And then we’ll call it even. Deal?”
“Deal.”
The three of us remain in the room for a few more minutes. Carrie continues to hug me, and Amy continues to watch us with a smile on her face.
This whole fathering thing isn’t going to be half bad. And I cannot believe that I get to do it with Carrie.
Chapter 43
BLAKE
It has been a long day. It’s been one of those days where even though the hours pass at a solid pace, there just seems to be too many of them. And indeed, today there was. I started early, getting up at six in the morning. And now, as the clock ticks onto eleven at night, I stroll through the front door, unable to believe how long I have been out.
There has been a problem with one of the productions I’m involved in, and what was meant to be an easy solution, turned out to be more difficult than we thought.
My throat is hoarse from yelling, my eyes are droopy from reading, and I just want to crawl into bed and snuggle up beside Carrie.
It’s thoughts of her that helped get me through the day. Whenever I felt myself about to implode or break down, I just pictured her at home, waiting for me with my unborn child in her womb. It gives me strength and makes the terrible seem bearable.
I creep through the house and into our bedroom, a little too excited to see her. Sure enough, she is in bed already, sound asleep.
I slowly undress, careful not to wake her. As I do, I watch her sleep. She is so beautiful, so perfect. I just cannot believe how lucky I am to have her.
I have been thinking about it all day, and I think it’s time I tell her how I really feel. Sure, I’ve shown her how I feel. I’ve invited her into my home, I’ve introduced her to my friends, and I’ve showered love and attention onto her every time I can. But I haven’t actually said the words. I am going to tell her that I love her.
I was planning on doing it today, when I got home. But that clearly didn’t go to plan. Instead, I’ll do it tomorrow night. I booked a table at a nice restaurant that I know she wants to try. The mood will be perfect, and then, I will tell her everything. And I just hope that she feels the same way.
I slip into bed, snuggling up beside her. I kiss her on the cheeks, and she smiles without waking. I wrap my arms around her and lay my head gently on the pillow.
“I love you,” I whisper.
***
Dinner is going perfectly.
It started with me leaving work early for once, and it continued through to the appetizers we had and the entrees. The place isn’t too crowded either, so the atmosphere is perfect for what I plan to tell her. Really, I can’t imagine how it could have all worked out better.
“You look amazing tonight, by the way. Have I told you that already?”
“This is the third time,” she says, smiling. “But good things happen in threes, so I’m okay with it.”
She does look incredible. Her hair is straight, flowing down her back. She wears a tight black dress that perfectly shows her curves, and she offsets this with a shade of red lipstick that makes me want to lean across the table and kiss her every time I look.
“Well, you do,” I stop myself. “Ah, damn. That’s four. My bad.”
“I’m okay with it,” she says. “And besides, you are only human.”
I’m still trying to decide the right way to tell her how I feel. I don�
�t want to just tell her that I love her. That’s boring. I want her to feel it, to know that it’s more than just words.
“How’s everything going with the baby?” I ask. “It’s all fine?”
I regret it as soon as the words leave my mouth. What a silly question. Just because it is so obvious. I may as well wear a sign saying that I have something else on my mind.
“Yeah, it’s all good. Is everything all right?” She frowns at me. “You seem nervous.”
Of course, she has noticed that I’m not myself. I’m not exactly subtle.
“What? Yeah, why would I not be?”
“Well, first of all you keep on repeating yourself. You’ve asked me five times how I’m feeling. You’re also fidgeting. Now come on, tell me. What’s going on?”
I let out a deep sigh. It’s time.
“Carrie, you know how great these past few months have been for me, don’t you?”
“Of course, they’ve been great for me, too.” She smiles at me, and I feel my heart skip.
“One thing that we’ve never really spoken about is my past. I’m not exactly a girlfriend type of guy. In fact, I never even thought I would have a serious partner, and I never thought I would want one. But you have changed that. The last time I had a serious relationship was high school. Back then, I wanted a girlfriend, and back then, I was glad I had one.”
“Blake,” Carrie interrupts me. “Please don’t.”
“Please, Carrie, let me finish this,” I say. I’m not looking at her. If I were, I might see the tears starting to form in her eyes. “She broke my heart. After her, I never thought I would feel real feelings for another girl. But then you came along. Carrie, what I’m trying to say is—”
“Blake. Take me home. Please!”
I look up at Carrie, and my face drops. She is in tears. Literal, flowing tears. For how long or why, I have no idea.
“Carrie, what’s wrong?”
“I just want to go home.” She stands up and walks from the restaurant, leaving me where I am.
I stay seated for a moment, trying to think of what I have done. The last time Carrie acted like this was on the beach. It suddenly hits me. That night, I was talking about Lyndsey, too. That night, I was telling her about my past, and she acted the exact same way. Only after that, we didn’t speak for a week.
Is she mad that I have an ex? Is she mad that I’m talking about her?
I stand up and hurry from the restaurant. I can see Carrie standing by the car, waiting. As I reach the car, she refuses to look at me. I want to ask her what is wrong, but I don’t know if I should. I hate seeing her upset. It tears me up inside. But more than that, I hate being the cause of it.
I start up the car and begin the drive home. Carrie still refuses to look at me. I decide that I am going to ask her.
Chapter 44
CARRIE
I sit in the car in silence, looking out the window as Blake drives us home. When the car stops in front of the house, I am out the door before Blake even undoes his seatbelt. I really don’t want to talk to him, but I know he is going to want to talk to me.
The night was going so well, too. Everything was perfect. The food was amazing, the restaurant was to die for, and Blake was being so sweet. But then, for some reason he brought up Lyndsey. Again. Why does he keep bringing her up? I don’t want to act this way. I don’t want to be mad or upset at him. But when I hear him talk about her, I break down.
I storm into the bedroom, I quickly take off my clothes and put on my pajamas. I hear Blake’s footsteps coming up the hallway, and I hurry to the bed. If I climb in and close my eyes before he sees me, then maybe he won’t try to talk about what just happened.
With any luck.
I am wrapped up under the blankets when he enters. He pauses at the door, and I keep my eyes closed tight. I can feel him watching me, deciding what he should do.
“Carrie, is everything okay?” I don’t respond. “Carrie?” I stay silent.
I think for a moment that it has worked and that he has left. But the covers suddenly fly off me. I open my eyes, and he’s standing over me. He doesn’t look angry, but concerned. Worried even. My heart aches. I hate making him upset. Especially over something that he has no control.
“Carrie, seriously. We need to talk. Are you okay? Please, let me know that at least.”
I sigh, sitting up. “I’m fine.” It’s weak and mumbled. I don’t look him.
“No, you’re not,” he says. He sits on the bed by my side and reaches out, rubbing my knee. “Seriously, I’m worried, Carrie. Can you please tell me what is wrong?”
It’s not just about what he said, bringing up Lyndsey. As much as that hurts, the real reason I don’t want to talk about it is when I do, I will have to admit something that I have been hiding for a while now. That I love Blake.
If I do tell him, I will need to divulge what my original plan was, and how I have changed my mind. And then, I will need to tell him why I changed my mind. Not only will it force me to open up in a way I never have before, but it will also provide him with a perfect excuse to not return my love.
If he kicks me out of the house after tonight, there is no way I can hold it against him.
“Okay,” I sigh, sitting up. “I’ll tell you, but please let me finish, okay? And when I say what I have to say, please think about the baby and what everything we have done together means.”
“Okay,” he says. His hand rubs my thigh again, and I can see the concern in his face. I wonder how long until that turns to anger.
I take a deep breath and the words spill out. “Lyndsey, your ex-girlfriend, is my sister by adoption. She is the closest thing that I have ever had to family, and when she died, it hurt me in a way that you probably can’t even imagine. It hurt me so much that all I have wanted to do since is honor her life in any way that I knew how.”
His face drops as the realization of what I am saying dawns on him.
I continue. “When you two were dating in high school, I know that you got her pregnant, and I also know that you dumped her which caused her to have a miscarriage, which she dealt with by drinking and taking drugs — please, let me finish,” I hurry when he opens his mouth to speak.
“She was so upset. I had never seen her like that. It made me hate you, even though I didn’t know you. I didn’t realize who you were until after you asked me to have your baby. When I found out, I was upset. You have to remember that I loved my sister, and I would have done anything for her. Anyway, I realized that I could make you pay for what you did to her.”
“What are you saying, Carrie? How were you going to make me pay?”
“I was going to have the baby. I was going to take the money and the baby, and then leave. I was going to bring your child into the world, and then deny you of it, the same way you denied my sister.”
“That’s not true!” Blake suddenly stands. “I never did that.”
“Please!” I yell. “I changed my mind. I’m not going to do it anymore! I can’t. Not to you!”
“You were going to take my child from me?” He asks. “You were going to leave?”
“I was,” I say, and I feel the tears starting to come again. “But not anymore. I could never do something like that. Not to you.”
Blake sits back down. He doesn’t take my hand this time or touch me at all. Instead, he looks at me, and I can see he is angry and hurt.
“I’m going to ask you something, Carrie. Did you ever see any proof of the pregnancy? Did Lyndsey ever show you anything at all to confirm it?”
“What? No.”
“She lied to you, Carrie. She was never pregnant, and she broke up with me when I said that she was spiraling out of control with too much drinking and drugs. I don’t know why she lied, but she did.”
“No, she couldn’t have. She wouldn’t have.”
“She did.”
I look into his eyes, trying to see if he is lying, trying to see if there is any deceit behind them. There isn’t. He
is telling the truth. For some reason that I can’t understand, my sister lied to me. She was never pregnant and she dumped him. And I was going to hurt the man I love because of it.
I feel sick. I feel wrong. I feel like nothing I have ever felt before.
“And you were going to run?” He asks. His voice quakes and I can hear the struggle in his words. “You were going to leave?”
“But I changed my mind,” I say quickly. I reach for his hands, and he pulls them away. “I could never do that to you now.”
I sit there looking at him, I swallow and say, “I love you, Blake.”
I have thought about telling him that I love him so many times. And every time that I do, his reaction is the same. In my imagination, he smiles, tells me he loves me too, and we hug and kiss. I never imagined the reaction that he gives me now.
He looks at me, pain stricken across his face. He looks at me as if he is seeing a stranger. As if he has no idea who I am or what I have just said.
“Carrie, I think you should stay in the guest room tonight. And I think you should stay there until the baby is born.” He stands and leaves the room. He doesn’t look at me, not once.
I stare at the doorway, as if expecting him to come back in and tell me that it’s a joke and that he loves me too. But he doesn’t. The doorway remains empty. I slowly get to my feet, and step by step, I make my way to the door.
I walk from the bedroom to the hallway, looking over my shoulder as I do. I’m not only leaving the room, but leaving Blake. He has all but told me that he doesn’t love me, not the way I love him. It’s over.
Our relationship is simply a legal contract of a surrogate pregnancy.
Chapter 45
BLAKE
I call Ben as soon as I wake up on Saturday. Well, wake up is a relative term. I have never had such a bad night’s sleep. As the sun hits my face and my eyes shoot open, I realize that I may have gotten, at most, two hours of actual sleep.