by Lulu Pratt
“It’ll make it easier for Riley,” I agree, for the sake of agreeing. Ethan’s going through enough right now, and even if I don’t know if I can ever really forgive him, I don’t really have any cause to make things worse.
“There are just so many things… I can’t even imagine what it will be like, being a single father,” Ethan says, and there’s a sound in his voice like his throat is closing up.
“Yeah,” I say. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to push any thought of what history Ethan and I have out of my mind. If I’m going to do what my sister wanted, if I’m going to help raise her daughter, I’ll have to forget that there was ever anything between Ethan and me at all.
“I shouldn’t be unloading on you,” Ethan says, and I open my eyes. I can’t help but laugh a little.
“You’re the one who lost a wife,” I point out.
“You lost a sister,” Ethan counters.
I shrug. I don’t want to talk about all the complicated feelings that come along with Alexis being dead. “I was just going to grab a book and read for a while since I can’t fall asleep,” I say, and stand up to go to the bookshelf along the wall.
“Yeah, I should probably figure out something to do that won’t wake up Riley,” Ethan says. He looks down at his phone and I can feel the tension between us, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
Chapter Seven
ETHAN
The next morning, after I finally manage to get some sleep, I bring Riley downstairs after changing her diaper and getting her dressed and her hair neatened up a bit. Lara is in the kitchen, already working on breakfast. My father-in-law is at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the paper. I am suddenly reminded that he has lost his wife and daughter within a year of each other. We are all damaged from this course of events.
Riley mumbles into my neck about being hungry as we come in.
“Hey, Riley-baby!” Lara looks wide awake at first, but at the same time, I can tell she hasn’t slept any better than I have. “I’m almost done cooking up some breakfast, but you can have some fruit to start if your daddy says it’s okay.”
“I’ll do that. You are already making breakfast,” I say, getting Riley into her high chair as quickly as I can.
Nathan looks up from the paper and takes a sip of his coffee. I’m just as glad he doesn’t appear to be in a chatting mood. He also looks like he hasn’t slept much either.
I grab a bowl from the cupboard and get a few pieces of fruit for Riley out of the fridge. Fortunately, at eighteen months, she’s just about fully weaned off formula, so I don’t have to worry about anything too messy, other than the possibility of my daughter smashing and smearing fruit all over her face.
I grab a mug from the cupboard and pour myself a cup.
Lara notices and says, “Milk and sugar are on the table if you want either.”
“Thanks.” I learned to take my coffee black about a year ago.
I watch Riley play with and eat her fruit, exclaiming in little excited squeals over each piece before bringing it to her mouth.
I sip my coffee and listen to the silence of the adults in the kitchen.
Lara is making eggs and bacon, but I can smell pancakes too, even if I can’t see them. They must be in the oven.
By the time I’m halfway through my coffee, Lara’s putting breakfast on the table. It’s so much like being back home with Alexis that for a second I feel absolutely at ease, and then I remember that my wife is dead, leaving me and our daughter behind, and it feels like something in my chest is crumbling in the most painful way possible. I sit there numb for a moment and will myself not to break in front of my in-laws.
Lara brings over the rest of the food and we start piling up our plates. Although I miss Alexis, my appetite has not been affected this morning.
“We should go to the park today,” Nathan comments.
I give Riley some eggs, a piece of bacon, and start cutting up a pancake for her.
“Sounds good,” Lara says.
“It’ll be good to give her some time to play around a bit outside,” I agree. Of course, taking Riley out to the park will also get all of us out of the house, and I can’t help feeling like the whole place is haunted and too tense.
Riley eats some of her bacon, and I keep an eye on her while trying to get some of my own food into my mouth. It’s going to be a weird few days, I think. I’m not even sure why I even agreed to this whole idea, except that Nathan was so set on it.
“We need to figure out what kind of schedule we’re going to go with for next week,” Lara says, barely looking up from her plate.
“Didn’t we already come up with something? I don’t remember.” My lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me.
“I just want to have an idea of how much time off to ask for, or what days to ask to work-from-home,” Lara tells us.
“Right, right. Sorry,” I say, shaking my head. I drink down another quarter of my coffee.
I realize that the meal I am eating is in many ways the same one that Alexis might have made at home. The scrambled eggs taste the same and the bacon is undercooked, the way that Alexis liked it. In some ways Lara is so much like Alexis that it’s hard for me to even think straight. However, as they were raised in the same house, they ate the same food. They are sisters. But at the same time, Lara is totally different, and I can remember exactly how different the two sisters are.
“Ethan?”
I suddenly snap forward to the present and realize that Lara is talking to me.
“I don’t remember what it is you do for a living,” Lara points out. I grin at her as best as I can. Of course she doesn’t remember. When she came home from getting her degree and found out I was with her sister, she didn’t even take any time to catch up with either of us. And then when Alexis and I announced we were going to be parents she shut us out even more, even going so far as to almost shut her own parents out for supporting us.
“I’m an electrician,” I say.
Lara’s eyes widen at that news, and I remember, vividly, the fight we’d had before we broke up. She was all set to go for her degree, setting the course for her life for the next four years, and I’d finally admitted to her that I hadn’t even applied to any schools like I’d said I would.
I hadn’t even gone for any kind of real job until Alexis had told me she was pregnant. I’d just worked temp jobs, doing stuff like construction labor and event cleanup, things like that. The fact that we were about to have a baby made me realize I needed something more permanent, and a job that would give me benefits.
“That’s really… that’s awesome,” Lara says, smiling tightly as she tries to cover for how surprised she is that I’ve amounted to anything at all.
“By now I can shift around my schedule a bit,” I tell her, thinking about it a little bit. I’ve got enough time at the company that I can request a schedule change, but it won’t be enough to cover all the time Riley’s going to need, especially until she’s in school. She’s still too young really for daycare, at least as far as I’m concerned, and as far as Alexis was concerned.
“I’ll be able to come up with something like a schedule this weekend,” Lara says. She puts her plate aside and starts helping Riley, and I feel that aching pull in my chest again. She’s so good with my daughter, and I can’t help the fact that I’m torn between being relieved that Lara’s willing to go along with Alexis’ idea, and wishing that she was still here and we didn’t have to go through with this contingency plan.
Although my marriage was not a perfect one, Alexis was a good mother.
Chapter Eight
LARA
Dad and I are waiting for Ethan to come back to the house, and I feel weirdly nervous. He took Riley to lunch with his parents while Dad and I hung out at home. In spite of the fact that Mom’s been dead for almost a year, there are still things that need to be taken care of, and I figured it would be as good a chance as I was going to get to attend to them before I had to go back
home.
“I still don’t like this,” Dad says from the couch as I’m going over some more paperwork from Mom’s estate. I sigh. I’ve been waiting for this the whole time that Ethan, Riley and I have been in the house.
“It’s what Alexis wanted,” I counter. I put aside the paperwork because I know Dad isn’t going to let this rest, not without actually hashing it out again.
“Your mother’s biggest regret was that her daughters stopped speaking to each other,” Dad says.
“That’s not the point, Dad, and you know it,” I tell him firmly.
“The first time you met Riley, I knew there was a bond between the two of you, and you… you should already have a child. That child should be your daughter.”
I stare at my father in absolute shock. I shake my head. The fact that Dad could say something like this is beyond me, even if I know that it’s mostly because he’s just totally destroyed by grief.
“What are you saying?” I cross my arms, feeling weirdly defensive of a sister who a few weeks ago was not a part of my life.
“You and Alexis both deserve, deserved… you both should have been happy. With men who could really take care of you, not some irresponsible jerk who would tear you apart,” Dad says.
“Talking about what we should have had, how things should be, doesn’t change how they actually are,” I point out.
“But Ethan shouldn’t win,” Dad insists.
I close my eyes. Obviously Dad can’t see that there’s no one in this situation who has won anything. The grief of losing Mom, and now my father has to deal with his elder daughter dying, too. I can’t really blame him for how extreme his anger is, but it’s going to make everything that much worse.
“He’s not winning. Nobody is winning,” I tell him. Dad scowls at me and I can see the shift in his mind. Suddenly I’m not just a hesitant participant in whatever conspiracy he’s trying to make happen, but instead I’m someone who might be an enemy. It hurts my heart even more than Alexis’ death to think of my dad looking at me like an enemy.
“Lara, are you trying to get something started with him? Do you actually feel bad for him? You cut your sister out of your life, and avoided even being a part of this family at all for years, and now that he’s single…”
“You can hold it right there, Dad,” I say quickly, swallowing the instinctive anger I feel at his accusations.
“What?” Dad’s scowl deepens, and I can only shake my head.
“I’m not interested in having anything to do with Ethan. I haven’t forgiven him, and I don’t know if I ever will,” I explain.
“So why are you taking his side?”
I sigh. “I’m on Riley’s side. I want what’s best for her, I love her. She’s my niece, and she’s a beautiful baby girl, and you should want what’s best for her too,” I tell my father firmly.
“I do, and it would be best for you to have full custody of her,” Dad says stubbornly.
“No, it wouldn’t. She’s Ethan’s baby as much as she was Alexis’ baby, and he’s never done anything to harm her,” I point out.
“He wrecked the car,” Dad counters. I’m torn between wishing that Ethan would just show up so that Dad will stop talking and knowing that we have to actually have this out.
“It was an accident. It was a miracle that any of them came out of it alive, and the fact that Riley lived is the most important thing. I know you’re hurting, Dad, but this is what Alexis wanted.”
Dad stops arguing, and I know he’s still stewing but I can’t bring myself to poke and prod, to make him finally explode so that this can just be over. After maybe fifteen minutes, I hear a car driving up to the house, and I hope that it’s Ethan, in spite of how awkward that will be.
He comes in with Riley in his arms, all smiles. Dad picks up the paperwork I was looking at and retreats into it, and I wonder how we’re all going to get through the next day in the house together before I have to go back home.
“How are your parents?” I ask.
He sets Riley down on a blanket on the floor and pulls her toy box over, but lets her work out how to open it on her own.
“They’re doing okay,” Ethan says, taking a seat.
“Mama here?” Riley looks up at me, and my heart feels like it’s being crushed.
“No, sweetie,” I say.
“Where Mama?” Riley frowns, and I try to think of a way to explain to a baby, barely eighteen months old, that her mother is never coming back.
“Mama’s gone, baby,” Ethan says, and I can hear the pain and resignation in his voice.
“Want cookie,” Riley says.
“I think there are still some of the cookies Mrs. Tierney left,” Dad says, and he gets up to leave the room so fast that I’m sure even Ethan knows we were talking about him while he was gone.
“My parents can take her in the first part of the week,” Ethan tells me, and I nod.
“I’ll have a better idea of what I can manage tomorrow night after work,” I say. Everything feels so stilted between us, but I can’t think of a way to make it any different. I can’t even think of why I should want it to be more relaxed, except for the fact that Riley is bound to notice, and with her mother gone there’s going to be a lot of tension that a baby shouldn’t have to deal with.
“I hope we can get some kind of routine set up pretty quickly,” Ethan says.
“Yeah, that’s what would be best for Riley,” I agree, distracting my niece for a few moments with one of her toys while Dad’s getting her a cookie.
Looking at the darling toddler girl, I can’t help but remember my first reaction to finding out her name. I take a deep breath to keep myself from crying. I’d wanted to rip the hair out of my own head when I’d gotten the news.
Before we’d broken up, Ethan and I had actually talked about our future, about settling down and having kids like high-school sweethearts do, about what we wanted to do with our lives. Ethan had still had no clue what he would do for work, but he’d told me that he wanted to name our first daughter, if we had any girls, Riley, and I’d loved the name even after we’d broken up. It had felt like an even bigger betrayal when I’d learned that my sister was going to name my niece the name that Ethan and I had planned for our daughter.
“I want you to know, I don’t expect you to financially contribute or anything,” Ethan says, and I look up, confused.
“I wasn’t even thinking about that.”
“I just, I mean, the thing with you taking care of Riley. It’s not about money. I thought you should know.”
I shrug. “Ethan, I figured that if it was about money, there’d be something more specific in the will,” I tell him. But in truth, I hadn’t thought about it at all. I hadn’t even imagined what an expense a baby would be, especially now that Riley would need daycare.
“I can still support her financially,” Ethan says firmly.
I look at him again. I don’t want to have an argument with him under my father’s roof, not when I know Dad is still gunning for me to take full custody of my niece.
“I believe you,” I say, holding his gaze to signal as best as I can that the discussion on that issue is over. I can’t wait to be back home, away from all this stress.
Chapter Nine
ETHAN
I get up early to see Lara off, hoping against hope that Riley will stay asleep. I’d decided the night before that I needed to get myself and my daughter out from under Nathan’s roof as quickly as possible after my sister-in-law leaves. It’s clear to me that in spite of his insistence that Riley and I stay for a few days, Nathan’s still no fan of me.
“Are you seriously putting together a full breakfast for everyone?”
Lara looks up from the stove and gives me a weak smile. Her father isn’t even awake yet.
“I figured that would make everything easier,” she says with a shrug. She frowns slightly. “What are you doing up?”
“I think I’m going to head out a few hours after you leave,” I say.
Lara thinks about this for a moment and then nods. “That makes sense,” she says.
“You’re sure that you’re really okay with this,” I say, almost making it a question. There’s so much that’s gone unspoken between the two of us for the past few days, and I don’t even know how to get on the right topic. I don’t even know how to feel about the woman currently standing in my father-in-law’s kitchen stirring a pan of scrambled eggs.
“I’m really okay with this,” Lara says, not quite looking at me. I can’t believe that neither Alexis nor I really thought about the burden that we were going to be putting on Lara, asking her to be part of Riley’s life in the event that Alexis died. Of course, we thought that there was no real chance of it ever coming up, it was supposed to almost be symbolic.
“I know you don’t really want to have anything to do with me, but we’re going to have to talk to each other a lot to make this work,” I point out, taking a seat at the breakfast bar.
Lara nods her head slightly from side to side, her back to me.
“I know,” Lara says quietly. The nightgown she has on falls to her knees, and her dark hair is pulled back into a neat little bun, and it reminds me of the way she was in high school. That was her no-nonsense hair style, the way she wore her hair when she was going for a big study-binge or trying to write a paper, so it wouldn’t get in her way.
“Maybe we should talk about our…” I can’t make myself finish the sentence.
Lara turns around and looks me dead in the eye, and shakes her head.
“No, we shouldn’t talk about it at all,” she says.
“Why not?”
Lara sighs. “Because right now you’re hurting, I’m hurting, and the only thing that matters is making sure Riley gets through this without being like, permanently scarred or something. At least as much as we can,” Lara says.
“But if things are tense between us, how is that going to help her?”