by Emily Bishop
I slip back into the trailer before anyone else is awake. It’s only been about five hours since we returned from Greece, so they sleep deeply as I steal a shower and change into something less—ruined. I crawl into my bunk, muscles already sore, and groan with satisfaction as my head melts into the pillow. I’m only awake long enough to yearn for Blake’s body. But more than that. I yearn for his fingers through my hair. His eyes with laughter in them.
Then everything goes black and I sleep like the dead.
***
I’m climbing a tower in a dream when a hard female voice pierces through: “Wake up.” I scowl and swat at something swatting at me, only eventually realizing that Candace is lightly hitting me to wake me up.
“What the fuck, Candace?” I grumble, pulling myself up into a sitting position in the bunk. My eyelids struggle to stay apart. “What is it?” Candace is a yellowish blur in front of me. She slowly sharpens, and I see that she’s still wearing her pajamas, too. She’s holding a tablet. “What time is it?”
“Time for me to fucking fire you,” Candace snaps.
That gets my attention. My eyes are sharp now. That was better than smelling salts. “What?!”
Candace shoves the tablet into my hands, and I glare down at it, confused. It’s open on a webpage. An article. Soap Sizzle. I repeat the name sarcastically, and Candace snarls, “It’s a pretty popular celebrity news blog, Roxy.”
I glance down at the headline.
ANYONE ELSE CATCH THE EASTER EGG IN EPISODE #3 OF MY BILLIONAIRE BACHELOR?
My brow furrows as I examine the fuzzy image under the title.
It just looks like trees. Garden.
“Read it,” Candace commands.
My eyes skim. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know it’s somehow all my fault. During the second transitional sequence during Episode #3, ‘Blake Rides,’ you will notice a montage of images from the property. One of these shots showcases a gorgeous cluster of pine trees behind a butterfly pavilion.
I swallow.
Let’s put it in HD and look closer.
The next shot is closer. They’re going to drag it out. How did this happen?
In the next shot, everything looks the same, but bigger. Then they show the same picture again, with a red pen outline on some shadows on the ground.
Watch.
It comes closer and they sharpen. Now I can see that it’s two people. A man and someone smaller… probably a woman. I can only see the blur of hips and legs, though. The man is up, hovering over the legs. It might not be Blake. It might not be Blake.
The photo sharpens and enlarges once more.
It is almost certainly Blake. A fuzzy Sir Blake Berringer, but our billionaire bachelor nonetheless. What Soap Sizzle doesn’t know is that those naked legs belong to me.
He looks a lot like our British bad boy, trotting on Lightning, doesn’t he? BUT WHO IS HE WITH?
I swallow and pass Candace her tablet. “Um,” I say. “Does anyone know who that is?”
“Oh, don’t be cute,” Candace snaps, swatting at me. “This is humiliating! The whole point of the show is the unattainability… and here he is, getting blowjobs on the set!”
“Technically,” I whisper, “he was the giver.”
“How many times am I going to stand idly by and let you completely disrespect the set rules?” Candace yells. People standing outside the van look at its windows with curiosity.
“Let me ask you a question,” I reply blithely, my voice mellow and low compared to hers. “How are ratings?”
“They’re saving your job,” she snarls. “Because I want to fire the shit out of you right now.” She pauses, glowering at me, and continues, “Get your shit all packed up, anyway. We’re getting out of here in thirty.” She points a finger at me. “The pap are going to be thick. Stay the fuck away from that boy, or I’m going to fire you and sue you for breach of contract and the resulting company losses. Blake Berringer must appear to be unattainable, Roxanne.”
Keep my hands off of Blake. Keep my eyes off of Blake. And vice versa.
I have a flashback to last night. I have a flashback to three hours ago.
Hands off.
Sounds easy enough.
“All right,” I grumble, slowly climbing from my bunk. Two hours of sex. Three hours of sleep. Perfect. Let’s fly to America.
***
The wave of paparazzi is constant, from the chateau to the hangar to the mansion in Los Angeles. I don’t go directly to the mansion, because we’re not filming anything today. I go home.
It might seem like I wouldn’t want to be away from Blake, because he’s dreamy, but I’m aching with relief when I finally turn my key in that lock and come trudging through those doors.
Home is a shabby, chic Hollywood loft apartment. Rent is astronomical, so we’re breaking the terms of our lease. It’s a two-bedroom, one bath. We have four upstanding women living in it. The four members of The Cabbage Splat Dolls: Iggy, green-haired and freckled, plays the drums, works at the zoo as a tour guide, and goes to UCLA. Pepper, with a pug-like upturned nose and straight auburn hair, plays bass, and is a pre-school teacher. Very straightedge. And Sam-o, pale with eerily white platinum hair, plays the accordion and sings back-up, got fired right before I left for England with the crew. She managed a shoe store in the mall, and took the nightly deposit to a party in her purse—which got stolen.
When I arrive home, we have a little jam session and make tacos. Even my roommates, who are not pop-culture divas by any means, are gushing about the scandalous ‘Easter egg’ in episode 3 and who owns the legs in that photo. I don’t say anything. I just smile and shrug.
No one texts me, which is fine.
I don’t think about Blake obsessively before I fall asleep in my old bed. I don’t have a silent orgasm against my hand, remembering how mercilessly he fucked me the other night.
I tingle with excitement, thinking about the possibility of sneaking off somewhere in the LA location, maybe even disabling some equipment for a few hours.
My phone vibrates in the morning, and I jolt excitedly, thinking that Blake is texting me now. Maybe the phones haven’t all been confiscated yet. Maybe we can have breakfast…
CANDACE: can u come in?
I roll my eyes, text back that I can, and go get dressed. I slip on frumpy, faded jeans that hang on my hips, a white tank top, and aviator shades. I don’t bother with makeup, and I head to the set, where Candace spends entirely too much time.
I don’t even bother with the face because I know that Candace is never going to let me within ten feet of Blake under her supervision again.
My phone vibrates again. I look down.
CANDACE: straight 2 office
I let myself in to Candace’s office, and she peers up at me from her desk, arms crossed on the wood. She looks different than usual. Her eyes aren’t hard and hawkish. She has her maternal luster back, somehow, and a jolt of worry strikes my system. Did something happen?
“You should sit.”
I gape at the chair in front of me. “I don’t want to sit,” I assert proudly. “If I don’t sit, you can’t tell me whatever the hell you’re about to say, because I might pass out, right?”
Candace nods. “Jared…” She lets the word just hang in mid-air while her eyes seem to be searching for the rest of the sentence. My heart squeezes, and my lungs deflate. I cling to the chair Candace offered me. “He’s been calling the studio and leaving some really… twisted voicemails. It’s like…” Candace’s face scrunches up like she’s tasting something rotten, and she hunts for the words.
“Like death threats and love poetry,” I breathe.
I fumble my way to the front of the chair and settle onto its cushion. My head pounds. I’m dizzy. And cold. It’s not possible. I came so far away. I never use the Internet. I did everything I could. In a world where you can find anyone on social media, I became a ghost.
It’s been five years, and that little girl is still i
nside me, trembling. Responding to him just the way he wants her to.
Wordlessly, Candace reaches forward and taps a white device, which appears to be just a speaker. It has a voice message queued, and Jared’s crackling, drawling baritone fills the room.
My blood slushes into ice water in my veins.
“I’m looking for a little kitten. She’s sweet. Her love is only for me. She’s sweet… and weak. Her love is on TV. She’s sickly sweet. She licks up the cream.” His voice chokes with tears. I remember his crying fits vividly. “I’d rather drown you than see this circus continue, Roxanne Epstein. They’re making a mockery of our sacred vows. Just like you did in front of the whole goddamn—”
I spring forward, shaking, and tap the device incessantly, trying to shut it off. The speakers go silent, thankfully.
“You know that’s him,” I whisper. “You didn’t need to play it for me.”
“Oh, I think I did,” Candace replies. “He says he won’t stop until he finds your address or a phone number. He said he wouldn’t stop until you are either dead or safely under his roof ag—”
“I’m not his wife!” I snap. My voice doesn’t even sound like my own. “I had a representative in court finalize everything between us.” I swallow. “This is harassment. We can file a restraining order.”
Candace’s mouth is open, but she doesn’t speak. It’s a weird thing to see. Normally, she has more words than her mouth can carry. “You know this isn’t the first time he’s had a restraining order on him,” Candace says. “I think it might be safest to move you to another studio.”
My jaw hits the floor.
“I really am sorry, Roxanne.”
This can’t be happening. How is it possible that he’s still ruining my life?
“I don’t get it,” I breathe. “I was in one episode. One stupid little show. I know he would never watch anything like this. My hair doesn’t even look the same!” I shake a fistful at Candace, as if to prove it. “How did he find me?”
“It looks like there are some theories that the girl from episode #4 is the girl from the random shot in episode #3. Pictures circulate that compare you to her—well, to you, actually. Similar skin tone. They can get a good look at the shape of your legs. He must’ve seen something and known.” She wobbles her head from side to side, seeming like a crazy snake lady. “The public saw the sparks in that episode—which I told you not to do.”
“Annette was sick!”
“Yeah, well, you’re very recognizable right now… if you’re standing next to Blake, anyway. We’ve got to get you out of here. Jared just brings the liability up a notch. Too much risk, not enough reward. Not for me, kid.”
“You got me this job,” I remind her. “You know how hard I work.”
Candace nods and sighs. “I put in a good word for you with this producer I know. They’re building a crew now, and I recommended you.”
“For what type of show?”
“I dunno. It’s a sitcom. Directed by Dominic Montana. They all work in a toy store or something. It’s cute. You’ll be fine. They shoot every week, just like we do. Regular check.” I grimace, thinking of Blake. I love my job, but… “Stop with the face. God,” Candace grumbles. “You can see him again after the show’s over if you want to. It’s just a new job. Come back on board with me next season.”
***
I file all my paperwork to get started with Mr. Montana’s studio as soon as possible, then return to my apartment drained and depressed. As I trudge through the door, three girls twist and peer at me. “You’re just in time,” Iggy says. “We’re having a house meeting.”
“Greeeat,” I say sarcastically. These only function to complain about dishes or laundry. I’ve been gone for almost a month, so it’s probably me getting yelled at. I warily eye the pack as I settle onto our lime green couch.
“So, rent is coming up,” Iggy broaches awkwardly. “Couldn’t help but notice that Sam-o still doesn’t have a job. Been almost two months.”
Sam-o’s mouth flies open. “You see me filling out applications,” she whines. “I fill out applications all day!”
“Online!” Iggy counters. Pepper makes a face and shrinks up a little. For a bassist in a punk girl band, she doesn’t really like confrontation. But Sam-o and Iggy live for it. “You have to actually go in there and introduce yourself if you want to stand out! They get thousands of online applications every day!”
“Well, I’ll start doing that,” Sam-o sniffs. “It just looks really bad that I kind of lost the night deposit at my last job.”
“Well, I think it looks bad that you’re taking the couch in the living room when you don’t even pay rent,” Iggy snaps. “At least Pepper pays rent! She teaches pre-school, for Christ’s—”
“Assists,” Pepper corrects lightly.
“Assists pre-school, for Christ’s sake, but she’s on the ground in a sleeping bag!”
“Even if I leave and just walk from store to store, begging for an interview, I’m not going to have rent money ready in time,” Sam-o reminds us. “There’s no way. It’s, like, five hundred dollars.”
“Your parents do live in Santa Monica,” I mention. “It’d be easy to crash there until you find work.”
“Oh, come on!”
“She is coming on,” Iggy jumps back into the conversation, invigorated by my contribution. “You’re here all day, watching tv, surfing the web, driving our electric bill through the roof, with nothing to give us back! You’ve been eating for free for a goddamn month and a half!”
It would be nice to have a little more space here. And she does have her parents’ place as an option. And she does watch a lot of tv. And she is unemployed. I don’t have the extra money to contribute to her food budget.
“Fuck it,” I say. “I’m with Iggy.”
“Oh, come on,” Sam-o sneers. “Pepper?”
Pepper hesitates and shyly shakes her head.
Sam-o clenches her jaw and nods. “Fine,” she spits. “I’ll be out by the end of the month.” She stands suddenly and marches to the door, throws it open, and strides out. “Thanks a lot, guys.”
***
Two weeks come and go, and I try to forget about everything that happened in Newbury. I apply makeup to actors for a show called Stuffed. I become a vegetarian; not because I want to, but because meat starts making me hurl. I help Sam-o pack her things, but she keeps looking for work, like a dreamer. She gets angrier every day that Iggy turned on her like that, but I remind her that none of us have any extra money right now. At all. She unpacks her things again and says that she’s not going anywhere; she’s going to get the money.
I count the days until My Billionaire Bachelor is over. They run an episode at a charity event for children, and I know that must be hard for Blake. The show must be having some kind of internal issue, because they run a retrospective episode instead of a real episode the following week.
I get to see a few flashes of my date with Blake on the screen. He smiles down at me. My eyes gleam up at him. We bolt from our yurt all over again, and now I’m really living through the television screen.
You can’t go near the LA Billionaire mansion, I tell myself.
I don’t talk to Candace… not because I don’t want to. Things ended on a weird note between us, and I know we’ll work together next year.
I cut my hair short and turtle up in a little hole in my apartment.
I thought I was so strong until I heard Jared’s voice again.
I forget myself as a person, just like I used to, when I was being abused. Afraid to go outside. To tell anyone what is happening to me.
I just watch TV and tell myself that everything is fine.
Iggy sits down with me while I’m watching a re-run of the retrospective episode on TiVo. I’ve got a tofu sausage patty biscuit in my lap and nowhere to go. No pants on. No shame.
“Hey girl,” I greet. “How was work?”
“Bananas,” Iggy jokes. “How about you?”
“It’s a living. You feel me.”
The scene on the television flashes to Blake in his equestrian gear with Shannon. My shoulders round, and I think about what happened in the bushes that day. I sigh and take a deep, hearty bite of my vegan sausage patty biscuit. That eases the pain.
“Eating meat again?” Iggy wonders, nodding toward the sandwich.
“No. Tofu,” I explain. “Still can’t eat meat without serious nausea. I don’t know. Maybe being your roommate has finally rubbed off on me.”
“Mm, no, you’re really hard-headed,” Iggy replies. “I don’t think I’m the thing making you barf beef.” She scrutinizes me a moment longer and wonders, “When was your last period?”
“Uh…” I do some math and realize it was early in the England trip. I should have finished another cycle by now. “I don’t know,” I finish lamely.
“I still have a leftover pregnancy test from that scare with Rufus,” Iggy offers. “You want half of my two-pack?”
“No,” I grumble, shoving off the sofa and striding to the trashcan. I dump my tofu sausage patty biscuit into the garbage and head for the door. “I’m going to get a fresh one. You can’t trust pee sticks from the back of the medicine drawer, Ig.”
An hour later, after walking to the pharmacy and walking back, I drink a ton of water and squat over this stupid thing, infusing it with my psychic will to not be pregnant. And I unleash.
“Don’t watch it,” Iggy calls to me through the closed bathroom door. “You’ll start seeing shit, seriously.”
I abandon the pregnancy test and walk around the living room, doing about five laps before I bolt back to the bathroom, flip the toilet lid up, throw myself down, and puke my brains out.
“Those aren’t pregnancy hurls,” I yell to Iggy. “That’s just regular terror puke.”
There’s a pause. “Whatever you say, Roxanne.” There’s another pause. “It’s been about five minutes now.”
I look up at the bathroom sink from where I am, staring at the yellowed tip of that stick like it’s the barrel of a gun. I stand and slowly approach. I swallow.