by Sarah Bailey
Julian knew that deep down I needed someone to lean on, to take care of me, and I now knew how important it was for him to feel that I trusted him. After declaring our love for each other, things had changed. We were both more secure with each other, more connected. And Julian opened up to me about his childhood. He told me about his dreams about becoming a racecar driver. He told me about the first girl who broke his heart. And he told me again how money and power was only important to him insofar as it gave him the means to influence the people who counted and to take care of those he loved. By the end of the weekend, we were fully in tune with each other’s rhythms, and had significantly deepened our connection with each other. When Monday morning rolled around, I was sad our magical weekend was over, but I realized I was closer to letting go of my past. I trusted Julian, I loved Julian, and he loved and trusted me. Those simple facts, I decided while driving Little Blue to work Monday morning, were enough to carry us through and make this thing work.
Chapter 19
I bounded through the glass doors to Cooper McGregor, and flashed Annabel a huge smile. She beamed back at me and said, “Well someone had a good weekend.”
I winked at her. “You better believe it.”
When I got to my desk, I settled in, and then started sifting through emails from clients. Right before I opened an email from Richard Phillips, the phone rang. I answered.
“Sarah. In my office. Right now.” It was Paul, and his tone was so icy, I started shivering. I quickly got to my feet and made my way to his office, trying to wrack my brain for a reason for his angry tone. When I got to the door, his steely eyes rested on mine for a moment, and then he gestured for me to close the door.
“Have a seat,” he said, gesturing to the chair in front of the desk. I slowly sat down, and felt a sinking feeling in my gut. Paul picked up a pencil, and started tapping it on the desk. “One of the expectations of this job,” he began, his voice so quiet and even it was scary, “is that you be on call at all times.”
My stomach twisted with dread. I had a strange sense of where this was going. Paul sighed deeply, then tossed his pencil back on his desk. “Richard Phillips called early Friday evening, saying he was ready to sign with us.”
My whole body tensed up, and the twist in my stomach turned into a sickening knot. “I needed you here Friday night, Sarah. You had his file. And he asked specifically that you be at the meeting too.”
“I’m so sorry,” I blurted out. “Julian and I– ” I saw Paul wince at the sound of Julian’s name. “Julian and I,” I begun again, “had decided on a cellphone free weekend.”
Paul’s brow furrowed in consternation. “When I couldn’t get through to you, I called Julian and told him how important it was for you to come in to the office. I told him Richard insisted that you be here, because, in his mind, you were part of his potential team of agents, and he needed proof that you were committed. Committed enough, as he put it, ‘to sacrifice your precious Friday night for the sake of the job.’”
Paul’s eyes flashed with anger, but then the steely look I’d seen earlier returned. “I told Julian my getting this account was contingent upon you coming in, but he told me in no uncertain terms that you were not available.”
My mouth dropped open, and I felt my blood start to boil. I took a few deep breaths, and then looked at Paul pleadingly. “I’m so sorry, Paul. I never got the message.”
Paul studied my carefully, then nodded solemnly. “I thought that might have been the case.” He leaned back in his chair, and picked his pencil back up again. “In any event, we lost the account. Richard said he needed a team that could accommodate his schedule, and your personal time obviously meant more to you than your work.”
I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Then a whole range of conflicting emotions bubbled through me. I felt guilty as hell, and mortified that I’d let Paul down. He had pretty much just told me he lost a client because of me. Then all at once I thought of Julian, and a mix of range and betrayal started brewing deep inside the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me. I took a couple of deep breaths, determined to maintain a professional appearance in front of my boss. I gave him the most penitent and apologetic look I could muster, and said. “I didn’t know, Paul. I’m so sorry. It will never happen again.”
Paul nodded slightly as he eyed me carefully. “I’m sure it won’t,” he said. “In any event, what’s done is done. It’s too late to fix it. Now please get back to work. I need the Samuels file on my desk before noon.”
I nodded quickly and got to my feet. I took slow steps out of his office, still feeling in shock. But once I made it to the hallway, my pace quickened, and without even thinking about it, I was flying toward Julian’s office.
His secretary saw me coming. “Hi Sarah,” she said, but when she saw the expression on my face, she paled slightly.
“I need to see him now,” I said, and without even waiting for her response, I burst through his office door. He spun around in his chair and looked up at me pleasantly, until he registered the expression on my face. When he saw how angry I was, his expression clouded over.
“You fucked up my work,” I said. “Richard Phillips. He didn’t sign because I failed to show up Friday. But you already knew that, didn’t you?”
Julian’s face became pensive. “You needed the time off, Sarah. Paul’s been driving you ragged with work, and you needed some well-deserved down time.”
I felt my pulse start to race from the adrenaline flowing through me, and I had to bite on my lip to keep from screaming. “You don’t get to decide when I work and when I don’t, do you understand?” My voice was loud, and it crackled through the room. My whole body was shaking. “How can I trust you? You know how important my career is to me. Yet you singlehandedly jeopardized my whole future, and made me look like a fool in front of my boss.”
Julian’s expression was grave. He got to his feet, and started approaching me. “Sarah,” he said. “I was just looking out for you. For us. Paul had no right to call you in late on a Friday night. He’s taking advantage of your strong work ethic. He needed to be put in his place.”
Julian tried to pull me into his arms, but I pushed him away. “No, Julian,” I said. “You’re the one who doesn’t know his place. You made a decision about me, without even consulting me. Not even my parents would do something like that.”
I felt my lower lip start to tremble, and I bit down on it hard. “I can’t trust you anymore,” I said, my voice shaky. “If I stay with you, you’re going to take over my life.”
Julian’s eyes became stormy. “I was looking out for your best interests.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and clenched my fists. “It wasn’t your decision to make.” My breath shuddered out of me, and then I quickly gulped in some more air. “I love that I can lean on you, Julian. And I love that you take charge in bed. You anticipate my needs there, without me having to ask. You just know. But that take charge attitude doesn’t fly with me when it comes to my life, and my work.” I stared at him long and hard, waiting for a sign that what I was saying to him was sinking in.
His expression was stern and stubborn, and I realized he wasn’t receptive to what I had to say. “My job is to take care of you,” he said. “And sometimes that means making decisions about what is best for you.”
I stared at him long and hard, until a realization sunk in. This is who Julian was. He was controlling. He was used to making decisions for others. Used to getting his own way. I loved this man. Loved him to bits, but I had to think of my own self-preservation. I’d fought long and hard for every bit of professional recognition I’d gained, and I wasn’t going to let anyone mess up my future for me. I wasn’t my mom. I wasn’t going to live in the shadow of a man. As I stood there, looking at Julian’s strong body, his beautiful chiseled face, I felt my heart start to rip into pieces. Everything in me was screaming to hold on to him, to somehow make this thing work. But then reason and self-preservatio
n took hold again. If I was going to save my career, I was going to have to let go of Julian. There was no other choice. My throat constricted painfully, but I dug my nails into my palm, keeping the tears from welling up in my eyes.
“I can’t do this, Julian,” I said, a slight tremble in my voice. “I can’t be with you,” I said. “It’s too dangerous.”
Julian’s face contorted with pain, and he took two decisive strides toward me, locking me in his arms. “Sarah,” he said, his tone gruff and authoritative, “I love you. And it’s not dangerous. You’re safe with me. I’ll always keep you safe.”
Heat wafted off his chest, and his warm, masculine scent enveloped me, making my head spin. It was so easy for me to get lost in this man. Get lost in his arms, get lost in his touch. But I couldn’t lose myself. I stiffened in his grip, and jerked away. He refused to release me, until his saw the angry glint in my eye. “This is over, Julian,” I said, my voice for once not betraying the emotional turmoil raging inside of me.
His face registered deep hurt, and he ran his hand through his hair in deep frustration. “No, Sarah. You’re being rash. You’re angry and you’re not thinking straight.”
I shook my head, and felt pain twist my gut. “No, Julian. My thinking is clear. It’s my emotions that are mixed up.”
Julian’s eyes became dark and intense. “I love you. I’m not letting you go.”
The tears I’d been fighting to contain finally spilled. “If you love me, you’ll set me free,” I said. His face crumpled again with hurt, but he didn’t make another move toward me. I wiped my eyes, then turned around and quietly left his office.
Chapter 20
The rest of the week was a nightmare. Paul was still angry at me for blowing the Phillips account. His demeanor toward me was icy, and he worked me harder than he ever had, giving me so much work that I was at the office till eight-thirty almost every night. But it’s not the work that I minded. In fact, the work was a blessing, because it kept me from thinking about Julian. During the day, I would somehow hold it together, but every night I went home and bawled my eyes out. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I felt hollow, and everything in me ached so hard; an excruciating, throbbing ache in my chest that hurt so much it was almost unbearable. At night, I dreamed of being wrapped safely in Julian’s arms, only to wake up and find my bed cold and empty.
Julian called several times. He texted me over and over, telling me he was sorry. He even sent me a beautiful white orchid, with a card saying that I was just as wild and beautiful as the flower, and that he loved me. When I read the card, my hand started shaking, and then the tears started flowing again. I wanted him back. I wanted him back so badly I could barely stand it. But I had to stay strong. So I ignored him, and buried myself in my work, determined to regain the respect from my boss that I’d feared I’d lost.
Thursday night I got home from work and found a voicemail message waiting for me on our home line. From Rob. Asking me out for coffee. I debated for a long moment, trying to decide if I was going to call him back. His timing couldn’t have been worse. But then again, he probably knew that. Angela had told me she’d mentioned to Ziggy that Julian and I broke up, and no doubt, Ziggy had passed that information on to Rob. He probably figured that I was feeling vulnerable and that my defenses were weak, so if he got to me now, it would be easier for him to wiggle his way back into my life. Maybe he was right. Or maybe he wasn’t. Either way, I owed it to myself to find out. I needed to either leave him behind completely and get on with my life, or let him back in. I fished my cell out of my purse and dialed his number. He answered on the first ring.
“Hey, Ladybug,” he said in a husky voice.
I cringed again at his use of his pet name for me. “Hi, Rob,” I said evenly, my voice steady and neutral. “I’m ready to take you up on that coffee.”
“I knew you’d come around,” he said, a slight note of triumph in his voice. He sounded so sure of himself, so cocky, and I was suddenly hit with the contrast between his brand of obnoxious cockiness and Julian’s brand of self-assurance. Rob’s arrogance was self-serving and immature. Julian’s self-assurance inspired confidence in others, and helped people put their trust in him. In other words, Rob was self-centered, while Julian paid careful attention to others.
“How about at the Sidewalk Café.”
“Our old place,” he said. I could feel his sly smile over the line.
I rolled my eyes. “You got it,” I said. “How’s two-o’clock Saturday afternoon?”
“You got it, Ladybug.” I cringed again.
“See you then,” I said, and quickly ended the call.
On Saturday, I got to the Sidewalk Café at ten to two, and settled in at a table on the patio. I had a clear view of the Venice Boardwalk, and I got lost in watching tourists shop for t-shirts, a woman dressed in a hot pink bikini get her fortune’s told by a gypsy, and a cute little blond kid lick an ice cream cone the size of his head. At two-fifteen, Rob was still nowhere in sight, and I was starting to feel an old, familiar irritation. Rob had always been late whenever we had a date. It was as if he thought his time was more important than mine. At two-thirty, I finally saw him enter the café. He was wearing faded baggy blue jeans, a fitted black t-shirt, and his trademark motorcycle glasses. It’s like he had this raw, magnetic energy, because almost every head turned when he stepped out onto the patio. He fixed his eyes on me, and I waved him over. As he sauntered toward me, a crooked smile on his face, I had to admit he looked hot. Like everyone else, I felt his pull.
“Hey, Ladybug,” he said, swooping his head toward mine and planting a lingering kiss on my cheek.
“You’re late,” I said, matter-of-factly, my voice not betraying the irritation I felt.
“Sorry,” he said, sitting down and giving me a lazy smile. “Band practice went later than I expected.”
I sighed deeply. “You could have called to let me know you’d be late.”
He gave me a funny look, and then just shrugged his shoulders. “I guess,” he said, looking suddenly bored with the conversation.
I felt another familiar twinge of something in my gut. He had just pulled a classic Rob move. I had a legitimate reason to be pissed, and he was dismissing me, acting as if dealing with my emotional reaction to his lateness was tedious.
A waitress came by to take our orders. I asked for a latte, and Rob asked for a rum and coke. Rob leaned across the table, and reached for my hand. “I’m so glad you’re here, Ladybug. I’ve missed you.”
I looked at him long and hard. His eyes were earnest, almost pleading. Now that he wanted something from me, he was turning on the charm. “What do you want from me, Rob?” I asked, an edge to my voice.
His eyes narrowed slightly. “Don’t be like that, babe,” he said. “I know you still have feelings for me too. How ‘bout we try giving this another go?”
I tilted my head slightly, as if trying to take him in from another angle. “What exactly do you miss about me, Rob?”
He sighed again, and looked like his patience was being taxed to the limit. “You’re a good girl,” he said, winking at me. “You’re good at everything. And you were a good girlfriend. I miss having someone I trust to lean on,” he said.
“Trust,” I said, emphasizing the word. “It really is an important thing. But it’s supposed to go both ways. You betrayed my trust, Rob. You cheated on me. And I can’t get over that.”
Rob looked frustrated and angry, as though things weren’t going the way he planned. “Look,” he said. “I cheated. And you went psycho and destroyed my guitar. Let’s call it even okay?”
I looked at him in disbelief. “You see them as the same thing?” I asked.
He confused. “Well, yeah,” he said. “That guitar was my baby.”
I felt a smirk creep across my face. “So your guitar was more important to you than I was.”
He looked at me confused, and started scratching his head. “No. I mean, you’re twisting my
words around.” He folded his hands together, and leaned toward me. “Look. That girl meant nothing to me. She was a groupie and I banged her. No big deal. But that was my favorite guitar. I paid, like, ten grand for it. And there were so many great memories attached to it.”
I narrowed my eyes at him, and felt my body go stiff. “Well, that girl who meant nothing to you, meant something to me. By banging her, you broke my trust. But apparently my trust is insignificant to you.”
Suddenly, a camera flashed to my right. Someone with a professional camera was snapping pictures of us. Rob turned toward him and flashed him a mega-watt smile. When he turned back to me, he looked slightly perplexed. “What were we talking about again?”
All at once a big whoosh of recognition swept through me. Since meeting Julian, I had changed drastically. Bit by bit, he’d changed me, opened me up, discovered parts of me I’d kept hidden for so long. And Lisa had been so right. Meeting up with Rob again was exactly what I needed for closure. Right now I saw him clearly. I was no longer romanticizing our past together, no longer clinging to it. Looking at him now, distracted, selfish, and pissed that he had to put in so much work to get me back when girls came to him so easily, I realized that he no longer had a hold on me. Rob was a part of my past, and that part of my past was dead. I could move on. Sure he was hot, and talented, and charismatic, but that wasn’t enough. I needed more.