by Hadley Quinn
“Ha, see? Future rock stars back there,” I told Clare.
She chuckled as we pulled down a dirt road, and turned around to sing with the girls. I loved how Mia rocked her head from side to side in her car seat, it was so freaking cute.
Parking the car, I announced, “Okay, we’re here!”
Clare smiled as she looked around the vacant piece of property. “Wow, so pretty and secluded. Oh my gosh, look at the view of the lake! Where are we?”
I stepped out of the car the same time she did. Over the roof I answered, “This is where I was planning to build a house someday.”
Her eyebrows raised as she glanced around again and took everything in. “Seriously? Wow, that is so cool. This place is beautiful.” She looked at me again with excitement. “How fun for you! When will you start?”
Good question. I’d put off my plans when Aubrey left me, and even though I told myself to go through with them anyway, something held me back. The three acres were in my name and I was making payments on it for now, but I hadn’t felt the desire to get a house going on it just yet. There were a lot of perks to my job that I could take advantage of, but the dream had taken a back seat for the time being.
“I’m not sure,” I answered, helping Sadie out of her car seat while Clare tended to Mia. We each pulled a toddler out at the same time, and when Clare put one down on the dirt driveway, I did the same with the other.
We all met at the front of the car.
“Well this is a beautiful spot, Matt. I can just see a nice little house right there with a big deck,” she pointed. “Maybe a retaining wall right there to give some more yard over here.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “Listen to you. What do you know about this kind of stuff?”
She shrugged. “My uncle owned a construction company when I was growing up. Landscaping, roads, that kind of stuff. My brothers worked for him during the summers, so I guess I learned a few things here and there when they’d show me some of the work they’d done. They were proud of it. You make something out of nothing and it’s quite rewarding.”
Damn, I couldn’t have said it better. That’s why I loved building houses. You literally start something from the ground up. And then the pretty stuff comes in afterwards; the yard and flower beds, sometimes retaining walls for the sloped lots. It was a cool process to watch from start to finish.
It was something I couldn’t wait to do for myself one day. I’d been building other people houses for almost eight years now; I wanted a piece of that same dream for myself.
Clare started walking with Mia toward the grassy section where a house would go. There were a lot of trees that surrounded the property, separating it from neighboring lots that were still uninhabited.
“This place makes me think of my grandma and grandpa’s house,” Clare said. “They lived near a little wooded section and my brothers and I would play out there. Well, I mean, my brothers would try to lose me out there, but even on my own I’d find my way back. I didn’t care, though. I used to pretend all sorts of things and would lose track of time. They even got in trouble for leaving me out there,” she smiled.
“You sound like you had a good childhood,” I noted.
Nodding, she looked at me and answered, “I did. My parents were good parents and I had other family around that we’d visit or have family gatherings with. We were all pretty close.”
“So…how come you and your parents aren’t close these days?” I finally asked. It’d been on my mind, so now seemed like the right opportunity to inquire.
Clare bent down and picked a wildflower, encouraging both girls to do the same. She stood and answered, “My family is very…old-fashioned. They didn’t agree with me marrying Adam so soon, but then we didn’t see eye-to-eye on several things. Also, Adam’s parents and my parents didn’t get along very well. Different religious views. It caused a pretty big rift.”
“Wow, that sucks. I’m sure that was hard having kids with all of that going on, too.”
“Yeah, it was. And that’s part of the reason why I didn’t want any of them around when Sadie and Mia were born.”
“Only part of the reason?”
She paused and picked another flower. “Yeah, only part.”
I could tell there was definitely more to it, and because Clare diverted the subject and started making a flower crown with the flowers that the girls picked, I just let it slide. She certainly didn’t owe me all the details of her life.
The only thing unfortunate about the day was that I should have planned for some food. After an hour of exploring the woods and listening to the sounds of nature, everyone started to get hungry. Clare had some snacks on hand like any mom would, but this grown ass man could not survive on snacks alone.
We stopped for pizza on the way back home. It was obviously nap time because both girls were a bit cranky and we got a lot of looks from other restaurant patrons. Clare joked that we should have made the order to go, but to be honest, it didn’t really bother me. Sure, I was new to all this and I was positive Clare had to deal with it way more and probably got worn out from it. But really, she was a very patient mom and never lost her cool.
Which made me wonder…
“You said you had a meltdown at the zoo,” I said as our leftovers were being packed up to head out. “What happened?”
Clare made a funny face, and as she wiped up little hands and faces, she answered in a quiet voice, “David drives me fucking nuts sometimes. He was getting on my nerves.”
I smiled inwardly. David was in the doghouse. Okay, that was immature of me, but really, why did she put up with him?
“In what way?” I asked nonchalantly. I helped Mia out of her booster seat while Clare did the same with Sadie. With Mia on my hip and the box of leftovers in my other hand, we headed out for the car.
“He just…doesn’t take a hint,” she finally said.
“Maybe you need to be more direct.”
She cast me a drab look. “I know, but I try not to be insulting.”
“Well it’s better to let a guy know how you feel instead of making him wonder.”
That had come with a double meaning, I guess. It’s crazy that most guys would love to bang a chick with no strings attached, but for me…I just wasn’t meant for it.
I realized she never did respond to that after we got the kids in the car and headed for home. We talked about everything from sports and music to food and travel, but no mention of David again or Clare’s indifference to relationships. If that really was the case. I mean I suppose I didn’t know too much about her marriage or other details of her life, but I got the feeling that she liked not having attachments like that. It made me question what I was even doing with her if we were on opposite sides of the spectrum.
It was almost like my differences with Aubrey in the beginning, and I didn’t want to get close to someone again that wasn’t a match for me.
18
Saturday night found me in the recording booth with a trio of musicians. I’d actually been looking forward to working with them, but when I found out they only had one song ready to go, I was disappointed.
“Never come with just one song,” I counseled gently.
They seemed to already know that, and upon further investigation, I discovered that the one song they did have was really fucking amazing.
After recording it one time through, I flipped the mic on and said, “Leave your instruments and come out here.” They all placed guitars and drumsticks down and left the recording room. When they faced me with confused expressions, I said, “Why do you only have one song ready to go?”
The singer/guitarist brushed his shaggy hair aside and said, “Our lead quit last night. Everything else we had, he wrote. So we can’t use it.”
I thought that over for a moment, biting my lip as I studied each of them. They were a really great trio, but I had no idea there had been a fourth. “Lead what? Guitarist?”
“No, singer,” Mike replied. He was the d
rummer, somewhat of a small twenty-year-old, but damn amazing with the beats.
I looked at the guy that had delivered the vocals not more than a minute ago. They called him by his last name, Fenton, so I’d been doing the same. “So you don’t normally sing?”
He shook his head. “Just some background now and then.”
I would have never guessed that. He had a great voice; smooth but sometimes gritty—which was perfect—and he was on pitch for every single note.
“None of you write?” I asked. They all shook their heads no. “So who wrote the song you just did?”
Two of them looked at the drummer, so Mike replied, “Uh, I did. But it was just…it wasn’t something I ever meant to go anywhere. It was just for fun. It was all we had for today and we didn’t want to pay the cancellation fee…”
Ha, I’d been in that boat before. I did have two albums that I’d recorded and sold at the small shows I’d done over the years, and I remember how stressful it was to find the right people and studio to work with.
“Let’s do something quick,” I said, motioning them back into the recording room.
I grabbed an acoustic guitar from the wall on my way by and took up a spot in the room while they got settled with their instruments.
“Uh, what’s a known song…? Hallelujah? You guys know that one? Pull up the lyrics on your phone,” I told Fenton.
He did while I strummed a few notes to get the song going. The band fell into jam mode pretty easily, and after a minute of everyone getting their parts decided upon, we had a gorgeous instrumentation going on while Fenton began the lyrics. He caressed a simple rhythm on his guitar while I played lead, but the words that came out of his mouth…
Good God, it was beautiful. I’d heard this song a million times, and probably played it for fun half of that, but this was something entirely different. What was most impressive was that they weren’t afraid to just go for it, to put forth what they felt. The bass took on a few unique additions, as did the drums, but Fenton’s voice took it to a whole new realm.
When we finished, I was literally speechless. Even each of them—Fenton, Mike, and Kurt—seemed to feel the magic in the room. These were the moments I lived for; these were the musical geniuses that I wanted to take under my wing.
I had Fenton come out to the soundboard and I showed him how to record. He was already fairly familiar with the engineering so I was pleased with that. I went back into the recording room and we played a verse without vocals and rhythm. Then I had Fenton at the mic, played the track we’d laid, and recorded him separate. I played the entire thing together for them to hear it, and again, silence.
“Wow,” Mike finally spoke first. “That’s fucking awesome.”
“I agree,” I nodded. “Can you guys hear what I hear? Do you see where I’m going with this?”
I think they did, but no one answered.
“You guys got this. Find a guitarist and you’ve got it.”
I began shutting down the studio, but with a chuckle, Fenton asked, “But what about lyrics?”
“Find a songwriter or try it on your own a bit,” I answered, glancing at Mike. “I think you guys have it more than you think.”
“What about you?” Kurt asked. Out of the three of them, the bassist was the quietest and had barely offered but a few words so far. “What if we hired you?”
“We can’t afford that,” Mike scoffed. Then his face went serious and he added, “Can we?”
Shaking my head, I flipped the lights off and headed for the exit. “It’s not that I wouldn’t make it possible for you guys but… I just don’t write anymore.”
“I’ve listened to all of your stuff,” Mike said. “Your music actually inspired that song. That’s why we came to you to record with.”
I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything familiar about the song, so I knew my music hadn’t been copied or anything, but I guess I was intrigued.
“Inspired how?” I asked.
With a shrug he replied, “Your song ‘Spark’. I guess…I could relate to the message and I kind of used that to write, like, a sequel.”
A sequel. Hmm. I thought of the lyrics they’d delivered not more than an hour ago. The song ‘Spark’ had been about feeling that fire ignite in you, encouraging you to go after what you want. It could be about any goal you have in life, but originally it was written about a girl that sets your heart on fire.
It had been about Aubrey.
“So you continued the story but lost the girl,” I concluded.
Mike slowly nodded. “Based on my own life, I guess.”
Ha, totally relatable but I didn’t say so. Nevertheless, I was impressed with these guys and truly wanted to keep working with them.
“How ‘bout this,” I sighed, hoping I didn’t regret what I was about to do. “You guys give me a call when you have two more songs written. I’ll write one of my own and bring it to the table. Deal?”
They all nodded with huge smiles, and Fenton said, “That’s great, man. Thank you so much. Thank you for giving us a second chance.”
“It’s not a second chance,” I informed them. “It’s a continuation. Don’t fuck it up.”
They laughed, agreed, and headed out. I closed up the basement by myself and walked to my truck a few minutes later.
A continuation. Was that how I needed to look at my life with Aubrey? Had we just had a huge bump in the road and it was time to get back on track again?
I still had no fucking clue…
***
It was late, but not as late as it would have been if I’d recorded a full studio session. I figured Aubrey would be up at ten p.m. and I put myself on autopilot for her parents’ house. I parked on the street and sat there for about five minutes, debating whether or not I should be doing this.
I’d made the mistake of letting ‘Spark’ run through my head ever since I left the studio. It was affecting me, taking me back in time. I could feel those feelings again, back when I fell in love with Aubrey. She was enigmatic in a way and I knew I wanted to get to know her better. She was young and vibrant, and I’d needed that. I could picture some of our crazy antics in our younger years, and even though it wasn’t that long ago, it truly did seem like a lifetime had passed by. We were both so different, but the question I wanted answered was: was there enough of the old stuff there to keep us together?
I went to put my truck in gear to leave, just as the passenger’s door opened. It scared the shit out of me because I didn’t see Aubrey walk up.
“Hey,” she said softly, looking confused. “Are you just going to sit out here? I was sitting up in the window,” she motioned behind her with a nod.
Aubrey’s bedroom was on the second floor, facing the drive. I should have considered that. She liked sitting in the window seat when she watched TV and doodled some drawings.
“Uh, I wasn’t quite sure I was going to stay,” I confessed.
She didn’t reply right away, but quietly slid into the seat and shut the door. “Okay. But…you’re here so…you must have wanted to come here.”
I didn’t deny it, but I also couldn’t agree with it. It wouldn’t sound right if I’d said I’d been caught in the past for a few minutes; long enough to follow old habits by stopping at her house on the way home from work—like I used to do in the summertime before she’d moved in with me.
“Yeah, maybe,” I answered.
We sat there in silence for a minute until Aubrey asked, “Matt, is there anything I can do to change things?”
I didn’t need her to expound but I almost wanted her to, just to give me time to form a response. But at the same time, it was almost like I didn’t care what I said or did. I think it was because I knew she’d keep trying no matter what. I could be an asshole and get away with it because she was at my mercy. Being sensitive and compassionate was last on my list right now.
Really, I didn’t want to be like that. It just came automatically because all of those feelings I experie
nced when she left…they sometimes came up in my throat. I’d nearly become an alcoholic because I couldn’t control how I felt. I knew she hadn’t directly driven me to behave like that, but I certainly associated the two things. I didn’t want to go through that again.
But I looked at her, sitting there in my truck with tears in her eyes. I did feel that she was remorseful; I did feel that she’d do anything in her power to make up for what she’d done. Truthfully, I just didn’t know if it was going to work that way. It was like a part of the old Aubrey had died along with our relationship and I wasn’t sure if I wanted a different version of her. That sounds so fucking selfish, but I believed that we had both changed for a reason.
“I don’t have an answer to that right now,” I finally replied. I could hear her sniffle as I stared out the windshield. “But what are you doing tomorrow?”
“Nothing,” she said quickly.
I looked down at my hands for a few seconds. “I’ll pick you up around eleven?”
“Okay.” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Goodnight, Matt. See you tomorrow.”
Closing my eyes, I listened to her open the door and slide out. The second it shut behind her, I drove away.
Sunday better answer some questions for me because I couldn’t go on another day like this.
19
I’d originally planned on taking Aubrey up to the property that I owned. I wanted her to see it, to see what I’d had my heart set on for the future. When I first bought the piece of land, I wanted it to be a surprise for her. I was going to take her up there one day with a picnic dinner and present my idea to her.
Well, she found out about it from my brother, and let me say this, she wasn’t too happy. First she couldn’t believe that I’d bought it without telling her (which I could totally agree with) and then she and my brother went round-and-round about why I told him and not her and blah blah it was a fucking toddler argument after that. I had apologized to Aubrey for going behind her back without consulting her on something so big, and looking back, I could now see one huge example of how bad my tunnel vision had been. Maybe my ego really had believed I could talk her into my dream when we really weren’t meant to share the same one.