by Lotus Oakes
“What,” she groaned, her voice rich and husky with sleep still. “Already?” He could hear rustling, and then the faint thump of her feet on the floor. It took him a moment to realize she was moving towards the door, but it swung open before him and he found himself suddenly face-to-face with his sleepy-eyed, tousle-haired cousin. She blinked at him with slow sleepiness, her expression still soft, and tilted her head. “Morning, Simon.”
He chewed the inside of his cheek before he could make himself answer properly. “Good morning. Dirk said you should come downstairs. It looked like stuff was done.”
She smiled, still heavy-eyed. “You’re getting along with him,” she said. “I’m glad.”
He gave a guilty little start at her words, then drew himself up, huffing. “I, I am not! He’s not a bad cook, but that doesn’t mean I like him or anything! Actually, I don’t at all! He’s still not proven himself to me! And anyway, he was the one who offered, it’s not like I have to if you’re going to be like that about it—”
Before his rant could gain any more momentum, though, Haley reached up and patted his cheek lightly. Her fingers were blood-warm and soft and smelled very faintly of lavender. “That’s good,” she said. Up close he could see the softness in her eyes. “I really am glad.”
Caught by her words, Simon could only snap his mouth shut again and nod dumbly.
“I’m going to shower,” she added, pulling back to cover her mouth for its yawn. “Tell him I’ll be down in a bit.”
“Um,” he said, but when she stopped and cocked her head at him, he found himself at a loss for what to say. He shrugged, awkward in his own skin. “… Nothing.”
She bit her lip, tipping her head back further, looking up at his face. “Are you sure?”
He hesitated, then reached to poke her in the forehead, making her rock back slightly. “Of course I am,” he said, and managed a smile for her, a little surprised at himself. “I’m always sure about everything.”
Haley wrinkled her nose. “Liar.”
“I am not.” Simon poked her forehead again, and she grabbed at his wrist, using it as leverage to pull herself to her feet. She leaned into him for a moment, soft and sweet-smelling, and Simon half-lifted a hand to curl it around her waist — then turned it into a shoulderpat instead. “Go shower.”
She hummed, sticking her tongue out at him, then brushing past him as she meandered her way to her bathroom. He watched her go, and the slow easy roll of her hips as she walked. He could see the faint outlines of her body under the straight fall of her nightgown, and he had to clench his hands to keep from reaching out to her. Only when he heard the sound of water begin did he turn away and head back downstairs, his ears still burning.
Dirk was setting the places when he returned to the kitchen. At his questioning look, Simon shrugged. “She’s showering.”
“Well, her loss.” He pointed to the same chair Simon had been using. “Go ahead, sit, eat. It’s better when everything’s still hot.”
He hunched his shoulders a little, circling a little warily towards the chair. “What about you?”
“I’m eating too, hell yeah,” said Dirk.
“You’re not going to wait for Haley?”
He blinked, taking his seat. “Why would I?”
“Because …” Simon pursed his lips. “Well, isn’t that the thing to do? If she’s your girlfriend. You wait for her.”
Dirk raised an eyebrow. “She’s my girlfriend, yeah, not my symbiotic twin or something. She’s a big girl, she can eat whenever she gets down here. She doesn’t need either of us holding her hand.”
“Yes, but—” Simon subsided, sinking back in his chair with a small scowl. It seemed odd to him; they had done so much together already this vacation — even beyond the things that they’d invited him to, like shopping and other movies and just going out together holding hands; he didn’t understand why suddenly Dirk would be so casual about not waiting for her to eat. He picked up his fork, prodding at the bright yellow piles of eggs; they were nicely fluffy, interspersed here and there with splashes of white, speckled with black pepper. It smelled good, better than he wanted to admit, and his stomach gave a small eager growl.
“But nothing,” Dirk said, one cheek already stuffed. He gestured with his own fork to Simon’s plate. “If you’re hungry, eat. Don’t let it get cold on you.”
“Never mind,” he muttered. He stabbed a large lump of eggs, stuffing it into his mouth. They were good, a little to his dismay; he didn’t know any way to really describe how he felt about it. His father in particular also enjoyed family meals; he would sometimes hold the meal for hours to make sure everyone was there in their proper place. Once, his mother’s flight had been two hours late getting in, and as a result they’d eaten at nearly midnight, with his father pleased and smiling and his mother pale and pinched from the flight, but also smiling. They’d been so happy to just share that time together; the idea that a couple — especially one that had been so intimately close already, like Haley and Dirk — would want to start eating at separate times seemed alien to him. The fact that Haley was also already in the house, and that a shower would only take maybe half an hour, made the whole affair seem even stranger.
He chewed and he swallowed, watching the plate next to his from the corner of one eye. Dirk had laid it out nicely: there were piles of eggs and two fat caramel-brown strips of bacon, and two neat golden triangles of toast. Butter and jam had also been laid out, with a fresh knife beside the fork. He took another bite and forced himself to continue chewing. Every now and then he glanced through his bangs at Dirk, who had taken hold of the newspaper and was paging through it as he ate, careless with his elbows on his table and his mouth half-open as he chewed. It was disgusting, but it was so effortless that Simon almost envied it.
Dirk’s plate was nearly empty by the time Haley wandered into the kitchen, a towel still draped around her shoulders. She was wearing another sundress, this one dark green in color and cut off just above her knees. She was flushed soft pink from the shower and bright-eyed, infinitely more alert than she’d been when Simon had gone to wake her. She looked at her plate, but she paused to stoop and kiss Dirk’s cheek before sitting. “It looks good.”
“Of course it’s good.” Dirk sat back in his chair, pushing his plate back. He’d left a corner of toast behind, smeared with a thin scarlet veil. “I made it, so you’d better believe it’s high quality.”
“Just like your ego.” She rolled her eyes but smiled, sitting, and looking at Simon. “Aren’t you hungry?”
He started a little, looking down at his plate. It was still half-full. “Um. Yeah.”
“He was waiting for you,” Dirk said, from behind the newspaper. “He was really insistent on it.”
Simon flushed, but Haley shifted and kicked Dirk under the table. “That’s just how his family does it,” she said. “Don’t tease him.”
“Ow, hey, I’m not!” He glared at her over the paper, then sighed, looking at Simon again. “Sorry. My family’s pretty scattered, I’m not used to that.”
“Mmmm.” He stuck the fork in his mouth, empty, biting down on the tines.
“Dad works in another city for one.” Dirk leaned back, his tone thoughtful. “Mom works the night shift. I’m lucky if I see ‘em both in the same house at the same time maybe once a month.”
The silence that followed the statement was long and stretched awkward; Simon stared down at his plate, trying to think of something to say in response, but could come up with nothing. Instead, though, Haley reached over and put her hand on Dirk’s arm softly. He started at that, as if out of a trance, then laughed a bit sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Eh, it’s not that big a deal. Probably the fact that they don’t see each other’s the only reason that they’re still married.”
Simon’s frown deepened. “That seems backwards.”
“Not everyone’s gonna get the great love of their lives.” Dirk shrugged. “My parents like each other, b
ut they got married real young. I think they’re more relieved than anything else that they don’t have to do more than occasionally hang out. They alternated sending someone to come to my school for parent-teacher conferences, and it worked out.” He covered Haley’s hand with his and looked at her with a small smile. “Me, though, I do kinda get it. If I’m going to be with someone, I’ve got to actually love them with everything I’ve got.”
Haley blushed, but though she ducked her head a little, she didn’t protest. He leaned over and tucked wet strands of hair behind her ear, letting his fingers trail over her cheek briefly. For a moment Simon thought they would kiss, right there, right in front of him, and he pointedly cleared his throat. Though they didn’t jump apart like he half hoped, Dirk did lean back, picking the newspaper back up. “I told you that part already, though. I’m serious about this.”
“Were you two talking about that?” Haley looked at Simon.
“Just a little,” Dirk said, before Simon could. “Your cousin worries about you a lot.”
She huffed, but her tone was affectionate, even through its edge of exasperation. “Simon!”
He sank lower in his chair, embarrassed. He hadn’t actually wanted her to know, and hearing it said aloud like this, it felt all the more childishly jealous. “I was just worried,” he mumbled. “It’s not like I don’t have any interest in your well-being or anything.”
“He’s a good defender of your honor,” Dirk said. “Interrogated me about my intentions and everything. You’re lucky to have someone who cares that much.”
“He’s mine, just so you know,” Haley said. “My cousin, he takes my side. Right, Simon?”
Simon froze for a moment, unsure of what to do or say. Mine, she’d said, so casually, and it made something warm and uncertain curl in his belly. “Uh—”
“Guys gotta stick together,” Dirk said. He draped an arm over Simon’s shoulders and waggled his eyebrows. “Right, prettyboy?”
“It’s Simon,” he said again, though less heatedly than before. His head was swimming from the unexpected contact. “I guess I’d side with Haley, though—”
“Hah!” She pumped a fist, smirking when Dirk dropped his arm away from Simon’s shoulders and affected dramatic hurt. “We have to stick together, after all.”
“Right …” Simon ducked his head a little, his ears burning and his throat tight. “I guess — we have to do that, yeah.”
From the corner of one eye, he saw Haley shift towards him a moment before her hand touched his shoulder, almost too light to feel. He could sense her though, so close that if he just shifted a tiny bit, they would be pressed together. It was suddenly too much and not enough, the last straw on the camel’s back.
“Simon?” Haley said, and he took a deep shaky breath.
“Sorry,” he said in a sudden rush, taking a step back, so that her hand fell away from his shoulder. “Sorry, I just — sorry. I need to—” He made a vague gesture, acutely aware of the way they both were staring at him. “I need to just. Go out for a bit. Sorry!”
“Wait, Simon—!”
Simon ignored Haley’s startled call, bolting for the door. He jammed his feet into his shoes, not bothering to even get them on all the way, threw the door open, and headed out. He didn’t bother to slam the door behind him, letting it swing in the wake of his passing. Outside it was already beginning to get hot, the summer sun high in the pale blue sky. Without really paying attention to which way he was going, he began to walk, his hands in his pockets.
He made it a few blocks, at least, staring at his feet, when he heard the sound of running footsteps from behind him. For a moment he contemplated running, too — no matter what insinuations some of his classmates might make, he wasn’t soft — but he gave that up for useless, and continued just walking at his same slow pace.
Haley pulled to a stop beside him and grabbed his arm. Simon continued a few more steps, then stopped as his arm was tugged out. He turned towards her, but didn’t look her in the face.
“What was that all about?” she demanded, a little breathless, a little shrill. “What the hell, Simon? You scared me!”
“Sorry,” he muttered, still not lifting his head.
“Talk to me,” she said, pleading, and punctuated it with a shake of his arm. Simon, listless, let the movement jolt his entire body. She tried to lean into his field of vision, but he kept turning to avoid her. “Come on, Simon. What’s wrong?”
He glanced up through his bangs at her. She was flushed, her eyes bright, but her brows were drawn together and her mouth was set in a shaky line. Her chest was still heaving a little from her run; the movement let him see the outline of her bra through the thin material of her dress. Embarrassed, he turned his head away again. “It’s not any of your business.”
“Um, try again.” She squeezed his arm harder, tight enough that it nearly hurt. “And look at me when we’re talking! If I’ve done something, at least let me know what it is!”
Simon tried to tug at the hand clutching his arm, wincing a little. “Haley, it’s really not anything you need to know—”
“Yes it is, if you’re going to be this upset at me! What did I do?!”
“You didn’t—!” He took a deep gulping breath and glanced to the side, where her other hand was. Faster than he thought he could, he reached down and grabbed it, copying Dirk’s movements from before, and pulled her in close. He looked up in time to see the surprise flash over her face before she stumbled directly into his arms.
“Simon—?!”
“It would have been fine if you waited,” he said, a little miserable. “I didn’t want to tell you because it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry, Haley.”
He half-leaned in, intent on kissing her, then bit the inside of his cheek hard and pulled away. The surprise on her face was the worst part of it; she really hadn’t known, after all this time … The realization wasn’t really a surprise, but it still felt like a direct blow to the gut. Simon let go as if burned, stepping widely back; Haley stumbled before catching herself, still wide-eyed as she stared at him. Her hand half-lifted to her mouth, and even though they hadn’t actually kissed, his own lips burned.
“See,” he muttered. “It’s not your fault, it’s not anything. I’m going for a walk, okay? You go home.”
“Simon …”
“I just want to go for a walk, Haley!” he snapped, harsher than he meant to. She frowned at that, her eyes narrowing and her chin lifting. That was his cousin, he thought with something like helpless fondness — even now, she was hard to intimidate.
“Are you going to come back?”
He paused for a few long seconds. “I’ve got money,” he said finally, hedging. “Probably enough to get a hotel for a couple of nights. Mom and Dad won’t be back until at least the end of the week, not if it’s the same as every year. So if you wanted, I could do that instead.”
“I didn’t ask you to get a hotel.” She crossed her arms, now outright scowling at him. “I asked if you were coming back.”
Simon ducked his head, staring at their feet. Haley was wearing sandals, he saw, though she hadn’t bothered doing the straps for them. “Do you want me to?”
“That’s why I’m asking, idiot!” She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Look, even if it feels bad, just … don’t disappear, all right? I’m not angry.”
You should be, he thought; instead of say so aloud, though, he just hunched up both of his shoulders in a shrug.
“I’m really not,” she said, firmer now. “And I won’t tell Dirk if you don’t want me to.”
He flinched at that, chewing the inside of his cheek again. “See,” he muttered. “I can’t be friends with him …”
“Just because I’m dating him?”
“Because—” he has what I want— “it’s just weird, then, isn’t it? Even if you don’t tell him, what if he guesses? He’ll think it’s sick, and he’s not wrong …”
“Simon.” Haley stepped forward, and then a
gain when he cringed away. She reached out and put her hands on his shoulders, squeezing loosely. “It doesn’t matter what he thinks about this, because that’s not his business. It’s yours and it’s mine. Okay?” She squeezed his shoulders again. “And even if he doesn’t like it, that doesn’t mean he gets any say in it. I do. I’m all right, Simon.”
He bit his lip instead now, breathing hard through his nose. “Haley …”
“Promise you’ll come back.” She gave him a brief little shake. “Look at me and promise me you’ll come back.”
For a moment he thought he would try to outwait her, just staring at their feet until she lost patience … but she’d always been the more patient of the two of them. Slowly, a degree at a time, he peeked up at her, mostly through his lashes. She didn’t smile, but she raised her eyebrows when his eyes finally met hers, and her expression was expectant.
“… I promise,” he muttered finally. “If that’s what you really want.”
“How many times do I have to repeat myself? Idiot.” She let go of him finally, stepping back. He regretted the loss of her touch instantly, but at the same time, he was relieved for the space. “All right. We’ll be waiting. We weren’t actually planning on going out today, so we’ll be home the whole day.”
He nodded slowly. Haley waited for a few moments longer, as if to see if he would say something else, but finally she turned and walked away. Simon waited until he couldn’t hear the sound of her footsteps any more and lifted his head finally. He could still see her, her back straight and her gait easy, and then she turned the corner into the driveway of their summer home and was lost from sight.
He rubbed at his arms briefly, then at his shoulders, where she’d touched him. He’d come so close to kissing her, he thought, a little miserably; if he was going to be trapped like this, between her sympathy and the knowledge that he wouldn’t ever have that chance again, he should have just taken it when he had that option. He should have just — for once, let himself kiss her, and if there were consequences after that, he would take them, but at least he would have done it …