‘Jake Manning, I’m in reconstructive surgery,’ he told her. ‘Pleased to meet you.’
‘Likewise,’ she told him, as she met his handshake. ‘Please forgive me not standing up, but I’m done in. I’ve just finished a killer of an afternoon list.’
‘I can appreciate how you’re feeling,’ he answered, and collapsed into the chair beside her, throwing his feet onto the low coffee table. ‘I’ve had it for the day and I’ve only been on rounds.’
‘I suppose this means I have to get the coffee,’ Tom complained in jest.
Sara’s eyes darted to and from Tom as he made his way to the percolator. She tried not to stare, but the sight of his lithe body in form-fitting black linen trousers and an apricot-coloured cotton shirt was more appealing than ever.
‘Sugar and white?’ he enquired of his colleague.
‘No, black and strong. I have a long drive home and I’ll need something to keep me awake.’
‘Why were the rounds so difficult today?’ Sara asked as she lifted her feet up and curled them inside the chair and took another sip of her coffee. ‘Heavy load or difficult patients?’
‘No, that nervy intern by the name of—’
‘Johnson!’ Tom cut in smiling, as he crossed the room and placed the mugs heavily on the low table. ‘I wondered where he’d turn up. Not that I made any enquiries, mind you.’
‘That guy can talk,’ Jake continued, reaching for his cup and cradling it in his hands. ‘Actually, that’s all he did. Talk and talk and—’ Jake suddenly started slinking down in his seat. ‘Don’t look now, but speaking of the devil.’
The door was pushed open by a dishevelled Johnson. He looked around the room and then spied the three of them in the far corner.
‘Dr Fielding, I’m sorry to bother you, I know you’ve finished for the day but your patient Mr Kowalski, the one who went missing and then we located him inadvertently exposing himself to the florists...’
Sara’s eyes widened as she heard him recall the story. She watched him fidget nervously and then dig his hands into his white examination-coat pockets. He drew closer and sat down on the edge of the seat. ‘You don’t mind if I sit, do you?’
Sara leant forward and placed her mug on the table. ‘Not at all. And by the way, I’m Sara, I’m filling in for Stu Anderson.’
‘Oh, hi. I remember you from the other day in Dr Fielding’s office. I hope your knee’s okay. I’m so sorry about that. I guess I came across like a bit of a twit, I mean losing a patient and then crashing into you. I mean, it doesn’t happen all that often. Actually, only twice this year, and the other one wasn’t really missing, I mean, Mrs Summers died and she was taken to the morgue but no one told me. One of those admin types of problems, well, actually it was a heart problem, but then Admin didn’t tell me...’
Tom dropped his cup onto the table. ‘Johnson, please get to the point, it’s getting late and we all want to go home. Is our patient all right?’
‘Yes, Dr Fielding. It’s just that Mr Kowalski doesn’t have any family. He told me that his wife died about ten years ago and then the business went under. They never had any children and he lost contact with his brother, Alexander. I guess he was too embarrassed to admit that he had lost everything. He’s been living in shelters on and off for the last nine years. So I would like to refer him to the social worker tomorrow, if that’s okay.’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’
He stood up, smiling, and backed out of the room. ‘Thank you, Dr Fielding. I’ll arrange it now.’ And with that he was gone.
‘Glad he’s in your ward more often than mine,’ Jake said with a smirk. ‘He tries so hard I’d go mad!’
Tom leant forward and tapped his knees like a drum kit. ‘He’s a good kid but I think he could talk underwater. Some days it does wear thin.’
Sara stood up, smoothed her skirt and self-consciously made her way to the sink. She wasn’t sure if Tom was watching her but she felt like she was on show.
‘So, Tom,’ Jake began. ‘I’m not giving up on the whole double-dating idea. I know you keep refusing but I have this amazing woman for you, and I can set it up on Saturday if you’d like. She’s Bella’s friend over from Adelaide. Pretty girl, radiologist, single....’
The sound of Sara’s cup crashing onto the sink and sliding into the soapy water cut short Jake’s words.
‘Are you okay?’ he asked.
‘Tired, that’s all. Like I said, it was a tough day.’
Sara wiped the suds from her clothes and concentrated on quickly washing and drying her cup. Tom lowered his voice and Sara was grateful that he did. She didn’t need to hear his response but she heard Jake’s answer.
‘Think you’re making a huge mistake, Tom. She’s a great girl. Maybe next time, then.’
Sara was relieved. She wanted Tom to date, she really did, but she just wanted him to do it after she left Melbourne. When she was living in San Antonio, not now, not while she was still living next door. That would be too much to deal with.
Everything put away, she went to the fridge to collect her groceries.
‘Oh, no! Where’s it gone?’ she exclaimed.
‘Where’s what?’ Tom asked bluntly.
‘My shopping bag, everything I bought for dinner. It’s gone. Someone’s walked off with it!’
* * *
Sara wasn’t sure she was doing the right thing accepting Tom’s dinner invitation but she was too tired to argue. He had offered to cook her a steak and she wasn’t about to refuse. In fact, she was so hungry and exhausted that she would have eaten drive-through hamburgers and fries if Tom hadn’t offered to cook dinner at her place.
She’d followed him home and on the way they had picked up some fresh bread from the continental deli. Tom had clinched the dinner deal with the promise of ice cream and hot chocolate sauce for dessert. He had run into his place and picked up the steaks while Sara unlocked her door and turned the lights on.
She told herself that she would simply enjoy Tom’s company and, more particularly, the meal. To refuse would appear rude and also admit to both of them that she perhaps didn’t trust herself to be alone with him.
‘I’ll throw the steaks under the grill,’ he told her. ‘Won’t take too long. Why don’t you turn the heater on and make yourself comfortable in the sitting room.’
‘Because I can’t turn the heater on.’
Tom gave a wry smile as he popped his head around the kitchen door. ‘That’s right, I forgot. I’ll be right there.’
The bright light from the kitchen filtered through so she didn’t bother to switch on a lamp. Tom lit the heater and they both returned to the kitchen to cook the steaks. Sara noticed how he knew where everything was, almost as if it was his kitchen. It was an odd level of familiarity, she thought, then she reminded herself that it was the reverse of their old home so it made sense that the kitchens would be the same.
Tom finished seasoning the steaks and put them on to cook. Together they prepared their meal and Sara felt so happy. She was enjoying Tom’s company and trying her best to find a way to define their relationship in her mind. To find a suitable box in which to put them. Unfortunately she couldn’t find a label to fit. Nothing came to mind with the feelings she still had.
The meal was wonderful and Tom had opened a nice Cabernet Sauvignon from the Hunter Valley. It was a smooth red wine that complemented the food but Sara declined, preferring a mineral water. Wine made her feel tired and she was already struggling to stay awake.
They talked about work and the cases she had seen over the last few days while they ate their ice cream, sitting together on the comfy sofa. Hours passed like minutes and they both relaxed like old times, each choosing to avoid the subject of children. They accepted in that area they would simply never agree. Then the subject of Bonny arose.
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‘Isn’t Bonny’s painting beautiful?’
Tom nodded as he took his last sip of wine and put the empty glass on the coffee table. ‘Stu rang yesterday, actually, and apparently Bonny’s coming along well. Better than anyone expected. She’s not talking yet, she’s still using a board to point to the letters of simple words, but they’re confident her speech will return in a short while.’
Sara thoughtfully fingered the rim of her empty water glass. ‘It must be terrible for them. I know how I would feel if she were mine. I’d be devastated—’
‘Yes, I suppose you would,’ he cut in. There was no bitterness in his voice, a touch of melancholy perhaps, but none of his signature hostility on the subject of children.
Tom reached across the table and affectionately brushed away the wisps of hair that were threatening to cover Sara’s eyes. Her beautiful eyes. He felt sure that if they had children, they would all have those beautiful big blue eyes...
She flinched and bit the inside of her cheek. With his hand so close it was making her pulse quicken again.
Tom looked into her eyes. He needed to be honest with Sara. He knew that in order for them to find some sort of closure as their marriage ended, there should be no more unanswered questions between them. She had been honest with him about her parents and now she deserved the same. He decided it was the right time to share something with her. To let her know why he would never have children and that his decision was final. He suddenly felt safe to tell her now. To open up to her, secure in the knowledge that she would not try to change his mind. Her new life was waiting and their life together had ended a long time ago.
‘Sara,’ he began, ‘I want to share something with you. I need you to finally understand why we are where we are. Why you’re moving on and I choose to devote my life to work and not a family. You need to know. I owe it to you and I owe it to us and what we had together. I should have told you a long time ago.’
Sara was taken aback and her surprise wasn’t masked. Her body shifted a little on her chair and she gently pulled her hands free from his. His desire to open up seemed so sudden. This was what she had wanted all along but he had never been prepared to do so. She was confused why he had decided to open up now. She suddenly felt the need to protect herself from what she was about to hear. She didn’t know why.
‘Go on,’ she said, looking at Tom and his new serious expression.
‘My brother Heath and I...’ Tom started, then he stopped, choking on his words momentarily. ‘Well, when we were young, and through until teenagers, we were mad keen on BMX bikes. It was our obsession but he was so much better than I was. He was an extremely skilled rider.’
Sara nodded. This information was nothing new. She was aware that Heath had been the under sixteen BMX state champion for Victoria at one time.
Tom cleared his throat. This was as difficult as he’d imagined. The guilt he felt was still so raw. So many years had passed and yet he could picture it all as if it were yesterday. Each time he thought about his actions it was the same regret that filled his mind and ripped at his heart. He wished he could travel back in time and change it all. Change everything. Relive his life and not be the irresponsible kid who had made a bad decision and ruined his brother’s life. And consequently ruined his own chance of happiness with Sara.
‘Heath was almost sixteen and I was fourteen,’ he started with a sigh. ‘He was at the qualifying event for the UCI BMX world championships. He just had to beat the last rider from the Gold Coast in order to win the top spot. I suggested a move that would set him apart. It was called a tail whip. It was risky but I urged him on and told him if he pulled it off he would be on his way to the next world championships. Only he didn’t pull it off. He fell. And he was badly injured.’
‘Oh, no.’ Sara sat up. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Along with the broken collar bone and multiple abrasions, he suffered testicular trauma or, to be specific, testicular torsion. Long story short, no fatherhood for him.’ Tom’s face was contorted with guilt as he looked down at the floor. ‘So how can I just go ahead and have a big happy family while he is left alone?’
Sara felt so sorry for Heath and for Tom. Both brothers’ lives had been changed for ever by normal teenage behaviour that had gone wrong. It hadn’t been malicious or even reckless. Sara thought adventurous was a better description. But she felt Tom was carrying a burden that wasn’t his to carry.
‘But accidents happen to good people every day, Tom, you know that as a doctor. Sometimes no one’s to blame.’
‘In this case there was. Me.’
‘I know what you’re saying and I feel desperately sorry for your brother but you were fourteen and you couldn’t have known the repercussions.’ Sara could see the pain in Tom’s eyes and hear the sadness in his voice. It ripped at her heart to see his burden and to know he had been carrying this for so long. She wished he had confided in her before.
‘Maybe not, but why should I walk away scot free?’
‘You choosing not to have children is not going to change anything for your brother except rob him of the chance to be an uncle. And you are punishing yourself for something that happened decades ago,’ she said, reaching for his hands. ‘I wish you hadn’t kept it from me. I wish you’d told me this years ago.’
‘I couldn’t because I knew you would try to make me see things your way.’
‘Did you ever tell Heath about your decision?’ she asked. ‘I don’t know him that well, we only spent a short time together, but he seemed so lovely. He’s a kind, intelligent man who wouldn’t expect you to give up your chance for a family. Does he even know that you made this sacrifice, and are continuing to make it years later?’
Tom looked away. ‘There’s no need for him to know. We’re just two brothers who didn’t have kids. That’s it. He’s never questioned me and I haven’t seen the need to discuss it with him. He’s still paying the price. Why should I be any different?’
‘Because you’re hurting more than just yourself in the process.’ Sara hesitated and then decided to be more honest than she’d thought she ever would. ‘You’re hurting me and the children that we will never bring into this world because of your decision.’
Tom lips tightened. He knew she was right. And he didn’t want to hurt her. He hated it that he couldn’t give her everything in the world she wanted. But he couldn’t. He knew she would be better off without him.
‘This is exactly why I didn’t tell you.’
‘But you were a child, you were fourteen. You can’t own that guilt for ever. It’s not fair to you. And I don’t think Heath would want you to own it for ever,’ Sara argued.
‘Heath’s marriage ended because of the accident. They tried IVF for years unsuccessfully and it wore them down. He never told anyone but me. How can I look past that? I caused that pain. I wrecked his chance for a happy marriage and children of his own. That’s not something that happened when we were kids, Sara, it happened three years ago.’
Sara looked at the man sitting opposite her and she suddenly saw a very different man. He wasn’t a selfish, career-driven man who disliked children at all. He was a man who had put his needs last. It was so sad and ironic that she finally putting her needs first and Tom’s decision to place his needs last was what had driven them apart. And yet she had never suspected anything even close to that. She had thought the very opposite for more than three years.
She knew more than ever that he would always own her heart and now she needed to somehow get through to him. To make him see that he was throwing away a future with his own children and this sacrifice, however noble, wouldn’t change anything. It would only seal their fate.
CHAPTER EIGHT
SARA AWOKE AND rubbed her eyes as she slowly rose from the softness of her warm pillow. She thought back to the night before. They had talked for hours.
She had tried desperately to change Tom’s mindset. She had pleaded with him to talk to Heath. To be honest about wanting children and apologise again for what happened but explain that they all needed to move on. Move past the hurt and the blame and find a way to be in each other’s lives and accept the past.
Although Tom had seen how it was hurting Sara too, he felt in his heart he had made the right decision. It was in his eyes the only course of action. He had made a decision over twenty years ago and he wasn’t going back on it. Sara had felt helpless to change his mind when he’d finally left in the early hours of the morning.
She realised she must have fallen into the deepest sleep when she turned and looked at the clock beside the bed. It was seven-thirty. She remembered talking and trying to make Tom see the situation from the outside. She remembered crying a few times too. The accident was a secret that Tom and Heath had kept from her. She had never met her brother-in-law’s wife—both times she had stayed in the US while Heath had headed out to Australia to visit. Perhaps it was because she had been undergoing the IVF treatments or perhaps because they had been struggling within the marriage. Sara realised she would never know.
Tom had decided he had a cross to bear for something he’d innocently done as a child, something he felt he had to take responsibility for the rest of his life. She wished there was a way she could get through to him. Sara knew she loved Tom and even though their marriage was over she knew she would never stop caring.
She hoped, not for her sake but for Tom’s, that he would one day see it differently. At fourteen, she knew only too well that boys thought they were invincible. She imagined Tom and Heath thought the same way. The idea that one adventurous BMX trick could go horribly wrong and affect the rest of their lives would have been incomprehensible to both of them.
Sara knew it was going to be almost impossible to try to sway Tom’s opinion at this time. It was strange but she finally felt now, with this understanding of Tom’s attitude and behaviour, that she knew him more intimately than she had ever known him before. This was the real Tom. The caring man who would not turn his back on what he perceived as the permanent scars he had inflicted on his brother. He was a hero, but unfortunately he was a misguided hero. And she had no idea how, or even if, she could change his direction.
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