She got up and stood right in front of me.
‘Well, if you didn’t go on the school trip, where the hell did you go?’
Forty-Five
• •
Told them. Had to.
It might have been different if Mr Hetherington hadn’t been there. I might have made something up, something me mam might believe, something that could dig me out of the massive hole I was now in. But I knew there was no way out.
‘Scotland.’
‘Scotland?’ said me mam. Her face couldn’t have looked more surprised if I’d said ‘the moon’.
Nodded.
‘What in God’s name were you doing up in Scotland?’
Mr Hetherington had heard enough. I think he knew there was a gigantic storm coming. One he could never stop.
‘I’d better be on my way,’ he said, standing up. ‘I think this is for you two to sort out.’ He put his coat on and picked up his briefcase. ‘Thanks for the tea and biscuits, Miss Croft.’ But Mam said nothing. She was too busy glaring at me. ‘I’ll let myself out.’
Wish I could have gone with him.
I heard the front room door close, then the front door, then his car door, then I heard his car start, then I heard him drive off. It was just me mam and me in the house. I never thought I’d be scared of her, but I was scared now.
Kept me eyes glued on the carpet. I could see me mam’s feet. She hadn’t moved, like she was frozen solid. But her mouth wasn’t frozen, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before the questions came back, including the one I never wanted to answer.
‘Danny, what on earth were you doing up in Scotland?’
Me mam didn’t have the nice voice any more, the one she’s got for her job, the one that makes people spend money. That voice had packed its bags and gone away. A new voice had moved in, a loud, ugly one.
‘Danny, I’m talking to you,’ she practically screamed.
I couldn’t look at her. Me own mam. Kept staring down. I wanted to disappear too, become invisible like a superhero. That’s what I wanted more than anything in the world, not to be here. I wanted to be with Amy, in the garden shed, her arms tight around me. Or in Scotland, in me dad’s flat. But I couldn’t escape. If I went off on me bike she’d chase me in Callum’s car. Even if I rode as fast as anything she’d catch me. And if I went up the alleyway where cars can’t go, she’d get her phone out and call the police. They’d send bikes and dogs. They’d find me and bring me back. And Mam would still be there, with the same face on, with the same question – what were you doing up in Scotland?
Why didn’t I say ‘London’? Could have said I’d gone on an adventure. She might have believed that, but it was too late. The name had escaped. What was I going to tell her? I didn’t know anyone in Scotland, at least no one I was meant to know. Could say I went there because I’d never been before, and leave it at that, but Mam would talk to people, she’d talk to her sister. Aunty Tina knew about the address, she’d tell me mam, maybe not today, but one day. They’d find out. Like Megan found out about me. They’d piece it all together. The jigsaw of me great big lie.
I looked up from the carpet. Didn’t want to lie no more. I was sick of it. I’m not a bairn. I’ve got a girlfriend. It was time for the truth.
‘I went to see me dad.’
Mam looked at me like I’d turned into the devil. Then she started screaming, like she’d gone totally mad. I love me mam, I do. But I needed to get away from her. Needed to be anywhere but here. The screams told me everything.
She knew.
I tried to run for the door, but mam caught me by the wrist and threw me hard on the sofa. She was breathing so heavy that she couldn’t speak, like when Callum grabbed her in Spain. But when she did find her words her voice came out extra small.
‘He killed him, didn’t he? Steve killed Callum.’
Head spinning. It felt like the time I swallowed water when Callum pushed me in. Underwater, drowning, not enough air, not enough anything. Struggling. No one to help me.
She grabbed me by the shoulders. ‘He’s the one who hit him. It’s him, isn’t it?’
I didn’t want to tell her, but I knew there was no point in lying. The truth was too big to hide. Me mam would find out. Mams always find out.
‘Aye.’
Mam loosened her grip on me shoulders, then she fell backwards on to the sofa like she’d been shot by a sniper. She just sat there staring at me. I wanted to cry, but even me tears were too scared to come out. I needed to get to Scotland to warn me dad, tell him they’d be coming for him. But there’d be coppers at the station, on the train, there’s coppers everywhere. They’d stop me.
Mam’s voice finally came back. ‘Why?’
I’d said too much already.
Jumped up and ran to the door. But she got there before me, and slammed it shut. I pulled on the handle. No good. All her weight was on it. All the weight Callum had been trying to get rid of.
Mam grabbed me by the collar. ‘You’re not going anywhere till you’ve told me,’ she said menacingly.
I tried to pull the handle again, but Mam was super strong. I couldn’t escape. She scrunched me collar dead tight around me throat.
‘Why?’ she screamed, right in me face.
‘’Cos he hit you,’ I screamed back.
I could sense me mam’s fingers easing off. She let go of me collar. I could feel her breath on me face slowing down. She knew I’d done the right thing. She knew I’d done it for her.
Then me mam hit me.
She’d never done it before, not even when I’d scratched me name on the kitchen chair, or when I smashed a ball through the bathroom window. But she’d done it now. Bang. I lay curled up on the floor like dog mess. Me face hurt, but what hurt most was inside. I’d tried to help me mam, I really had, but I’d only ended up hurting her. Now she was hurting me.
Nothing made sense any more.
‘What gave you the right to do something like that?’ she shouted.
‘What gave him the right to hit you?’
Me mam took some little gulps in.
‘Yes, he did things maybe he shouldn’t, but the reason I put up with it was because of you.’
I must be hearing things.
‘Me?’
‘Yes, you, Danny. I wanted you to have all the things I couldn’t give you. Stuck in that little flat together. We were never going to get anywhere. You know all those things I bought for your birthday, for Christmas? It was with money given me by your Aunty Tina. I’ve never had anything, Danny. Nothing. Callum was our way out. Couldn’t you see that?’
No, I could not see that.
‘You did all that just for a house?’
‘Not just a house, Danny. It was everything. The food, the clothes, the holidays, the money. All the stuff I couldn’t give you in a million years.’
‘Mam, it was just stuff.’
‘Yeah, stuff you loved. I remember the look on your face the first time you saw this place.’
‘What’s the point in having a nice house if you’re dead?’
‘Callum wasn’t going to kill me.’
‘Mam, a hundred and four women every year who think they won’t end up dead, end up dead.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me all this, Danny?’
‘I did tell you, Mam, over and over, but you wouldn’t listen, would you? You’d listen to him, that fat bastard, but not me, never me. Why didn’t you tell me you were getting beaten up because of me?’
A great big silence fell on the room, like an invisible boulder crushing us both. We lived in the same house, under the same roof, sat on the same sofa, watched the same telly, saw each other every day, and not once could we find the time to say why we were doing what we were doing. Our silence had come back to punish us.
Me mam slid down the wall and sat on the floor next to me, and put her face in her hands, sobbing.
No words for a long, long time.
‘I’m sorry I hit you, Danny.’
‘It’s okay, Mam.’
It wasn’t. But this was one lie I didn’t mind telling.
‘What did you say to your dad?’
‘I asked him to get rid of Callum.’
‘What did he say?’
‘Na.’
Thought there was still a small chance he hadn’t done it.
‘It might have been another Scotsman,’ I said.
Mam snorted. ‘If it’s the same Steve I remember, he did it, all right.’
‘What are you gonna do?’
‘I’m gonna call the police.’
I got down on me knees, me hands grabbing her tracksuit pants, me eyes begging her.
‘Please, Mam, don’t call them. He didn’t mean to kill Callum, he didn’t want to do it, he didn’t want to do anything, it was all my idea.’
I imagined in me head what would happen. Me dad at home with Megan, watching telly, then the coppers bursting through the door with guns, Megan screaming, me dad being pushed to the carpet, handcuffed, dragged away, all because of me.
‘Please.’
‘I’m sorry, Danny.’
‘Don’t call them.’
But nothing I say works on me mam.
She called them.
The coppers were round that quick you’d think we had burglars. They spoke to me mam in the kitchen, then they spoke to me. I didn’t want to stitch me dad up, but I’d said way too much already, so I told them everything. It was about time somebody knew what Callum was like, I mean, really like, behind that smile, that stupid pretend smile.
The coppers flew into action.
They went to Scotland, got me dad and brought him back to Tyneside. The one place he never wanted to be.
Forty-Six
•
They took me to the police station with me mam. I didn’t want to go there. It’s where Callum should have been sent, not me. But me mam just told me to be strong and tell them everything.
Got taken into a room with no wallpaper or pictures or anything. It was just like I’d seen on telly, except this time it was me in the question seat. Apart from the coppers there was another person there too – Mrs Stocksfield, my solicitor. She seemed dead friendly. Told me to just tell the police everything that had happened.
So that’s what I did.
Went right back to the time he first turned up.
‘I think me mam found FB on the internet.’
‘Who’s FB?’ asked a copper in a suit.
His nickname had slipped out.
‘Fat Bastard,’ I said.
The coppers had a smile about that.
‘Can we call him Callum from now on, Danny?’
‘Aye.’
I didn’t just make him sound like the devil. Said that he was canny at first, giving me money, rubbing me hair, taking us into his big house. But then I told them about the bad stuff, making fun of me mam, shouting at me mam, and finally, beating me mam.
Then I told them about what I found on the internet. Two women killed every week. Was scared me mam was going to end up like them. Dead. That’s when I decided to do something about it. To save me mam, I had to kill him.
‘So you found your dad, and you asked him to kill Callum?’ asked a copper.
Nodded.
‘Nods are no good, Danny. We need a yes or no.’
Forgot they were recording it.
‘Aye, I asked me dad to kill FB, sorry, Callum.’
‘And what was your dad’s reaction?’ asked the copper.
‘He said, no way, not in a million years.’
‘Why did he say that?’
‘Said it wasn’t his problem. That it was up to me mam to sort out. Said she was nothing to do with him.’
Don’t know if the coppers were happy with me answers or not. Their faces were like sheets of blank paper.
‘I had a canny time with me dad. But he said he’d never do anything about Callum. Then I came home.’
They finally stopped asking questions and switched their recorder off.
‘Well done, Danny,’ said Mrs Stocksfield.
They left me in the room with a woman copper, while the others went somewhere else. Mrs Stocksfield came back, and sat in the chair opposite me, a serious look on her face.
‘They’re going to let you go,’ she said. ‘But they need to speak to the Crown Prosecution Service.’
‘About what?’
‘About whether you’ve committed a crime. Conspiracy to kill is a criminal offence.’
‘What’s conspiracy?’
‘Working together.’
Felt what little food was in me stomach trying to escape. ‘Will I go to prison?’
‘I can’t say, Danny.’
Mam told her story to the coppers, and then she took me home. I was sick out of the taxi window. The thought of going to prison was every bit as bad as living with Callum.
I was told not to go to school. Couldn’t even contact Amy. The police had taken me phone and the laptop to look for evidence. Also took me passport to stop me leaving the country. Me mam said it was best if I just stayed in the house.
They were the longest days of me life. Not just worrying about what would happen to me dad, but what would happen to me. The thought of being banged up, away from me mam, Amy, me mates, was as bad as anything that had been in me head this past year.
Me mam asked me how I knew where to find me dad.
Told her me final lie.
Said I met a bloke in the park who knew him, and where he lived.
Think me mam knew I was lying, but didn’t have the strength to argue.
Three days later Mrs Stocksfield came to the house with a woman copper. I tried to read their faces for the news, but they were like shop-window dummies.
We all sat in the front room, Mrs Stocksfield, the copper, me mam, me.
‘I’ve got some good news for you, Danny,’ said Mrs Stocksfield. ‘The police have spoken to the Crown Prosecution Service and they’re not going to bring any charges against you.’
‘Effing belter.’
‘Danny!’
‘Sorry, Mam, Mrs Stocksfield, officer.’
‘They’ve spoken to your dad, Danny,’ said Mrs Stocksfield. ‘His story tallies with yours. The CPS have said that there’s no evidence of conspiracy or planning between you two.’
Felt like running round the room punching the air. But the good news didn’t last.
‘Your dad, however, has been charged with murder.’
‘But he promised to see me. We agreed. We’re going to meet up when I’m eighteen.’
‘You’ve got to let the courts decide what happens,’ said Mrs Stocksfield.
‘But murderers get life. He’s got his job at the sandwich shop.’
Me mam held me to her chest, just like the day that Callum died.
Mrs Stocksfield and the woman copper left.
I needed to speak to Amy. She came round that night.
‘Danny, what’s going on?’ she said, as she ran into me room. ‘Why’ve you not been at school? I’ve been texting you like crazy, what’s happening? Everyone at school’s talking about you. People are saying you’ve been arrested.’
‘I’ve not been arrested.’
‘So what’s going on?’
Was terrified of telling Amy, but I knew I had to.
Told her the lot.
When I’d finished, Amy just sat there on me bed, looking at me, like I was someone else. Thought she’d be proud of me.
‘Danny, you stupid, stupid idiot.’ Felt like I’d been hit again. ‘Getting your dad to kill Callum. Why didn’t you go to the police?’
Don’t know what was worse. Amy calling me an idiot, or knowing that everything I’d done was wrong. She turned away, like she couldn’t bear to look at me.
‘Amy, you’ve no idea what it was like living in this house. Everything in your family is so perfect. Imagine your mam’s getting beaten, all the time, and won’t do a thing to save herself. What would you do?’<
br />
‘Not this. I’d never do this. You should have told me, Danny, you really should have told me. You’re my boyfriend. We’re meant to tell each other stuff. You don’t solve problems like this by keeping them to yourself.’
‘You didn’t tell anyone about Lanky Dave.’
‘No, not at the start. But I did. I plucked up the courage. You’re the one who persuaded me. Why didn’t you do the same? Where was your courage, Danny?’
Good question. Where was me courage? I’d found it once, when I pushed Lanky Dave down the stairs. Was that it? My one bit of courage used up. I was too chicken to tell Amy. Too chicken to tell me relatives. Too chicken to tell the police. Just too chicken.
Deep down I knew that Amy was right. I should have talked to her. Somebody. Anybody. Instead I’d talked to the one person who had nothing to do with it, and got him charged with murder. I’d made the world’s biggest ever cock-up.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
‘I’m sorry too.’
Amy got up off the bed, and looked at me with a face I’d never seen before.
‘Amy?’
She turned and ran out of me room. Gone.
Forty-Seven
• •
We moved from Whickham. Had to.
Callum’s brother put our house up for sale. Heard me mam arguing with him on the phone. But it was no use. It seems Callum never changed his will to leave anything for me mam. So much for being generous. Think his brother just wanted the money, so he could buy an even bigger place. Or maybe he just wanted revenge for what happened. Me mam had put up with all that Callum could throw at her so we could get to live in a nice house. Now it was gone.
We live across the Tyne in a council flat in Blakelaw. Think me mam had had enough of Gateshead. And, as if things couldn’t get any worse, guess who was the first lad I saw in me new school? Lanky Dave. Reckoned I was in for a world of pain. But the weird thing was, Lanky Dave started chatting away like a long lost marra. I guess Amy’s no longer around for us to fight over. On top of that, I think he’s scared of me. If I could get me dad to kill me mam’s boyfriend, he probably thought I could get someone else to kill him.
Three months later me dad got taken to the Crown Court in Newcastle. Was a day I’d been dreading. ’Specially as they wanted me to tell the court everything that had gone on. Was that nervous, I went to the toilet five times before we’d even left the house.
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