“I’m sorry you felt trapped here all this time. Maybe if you’d told me I could have helped?”
“How? How could you have helped?” An edge of bitterness returned to his voice. “I was barely thirteen when you left. You only came home once a year. Your ballet was more important to you than your family, than your little brother.” He launched from the garden seat and ground his cigarette underfoot.
Jessie sprang up beside him. “Oh, Richard. I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to feel like I’d just left you here, alone.”
He tossed her a glare. “I know you didn’t, but that’s how I felt.” His voice suddenly softened and his eyes blurred with tears. “It’s just that you were my big sister and then you were gone. I missed you like crazy. When you left I had no one. It’s not your fault you got the chance of a lifetime with your ballet, but that didn’t stop me from feeling lonely.”
Jessie reached for her brother’s hand and for the first time, he returned her gesture with a reciprocal squeeze. “I’m sorry, Richard.”
“It wasn’t long after you left, I realised I was gay. That really sealed the deal. Trapped in a town where I didn’t fit in and with no one to talk to.” He dropped to the seat, pulling her down beside him. “And to make things worse, Mum and Dad have been just the best parents. How could I tell them about their gay son who felt trapped in the home they worked so hard for? I just couldn’t do it.”
Jessie nodded. “I understand. But why tell BJ today?”
“I knew he’d say something to you. And I guess there’s only Mum to disappoint now that Dad has died.” He hung his head.
“I think you’ve been too hard on yourself all these years. Mum and Dad loved you so much. I’m sure if you’d told them, they would have understood.”
“Maybe, but up to now, I wasn’t willing to risk it, especially with Dad.”
She nestled her head onto her brother’s shoulder. “To think that all this time I thought you were the golden child, and you thought I was.”
“Yeah. Not as smart as we like to think we are…” He rubbed his cheek on her head.
Jessie sat up and hardened her gaze. “I don’t want us to bicker or fight anymore. I hate it when we constantly snap at each other. Can we start again?”
“I would really like that.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and held tight. “I love you little brother.”
“And I love you. It’s good to have you home.”
She broke the embrace and in a brighter tone said, “I promise I will try to get home more often. If not, you can stay with me in Melbourne during the year. Okay?”
“Deal.” Brother and sister shook hands, and in that moment, Jessie released days’ worth of tension, maybe years’ worth. Losing her father was awful, but at least Ken’s death had brought her closer to Richard.
“So what are you going to tell Mum?”
“That I’m gay and that once I’ve finished my accountancy course and find a job, I’m going to leave Coodravale and live my own life.” A look of anguish passed across his face.
Jessie’s heart ached for him and her mother. It seemed to be a lose/lose situation for them both. “Do you want me to be there when you tell Mum?”
“Thanks, but no. I have to do this myself. I may be gay, but I’m still a man who has integrity. I’ll sort it out when the time is right.”
“But we’re going to have to find a way for Mum to manage Coodravale when you leave.” Jessie stared out across the neighbouring paddock as she tried to think of a solution.
“Trust me, I’ve been trying to find one.”
“Maybe there’s enough money in the estate so Mum can hire someone to do the outdoor and maintenance jobs when you go?”
“Maybe?” He leaned down to collect his crushed cigarette and wrapped it in some packet foil. “Mum hates it if I leave my butts lying around.”
“You’re a good son, Richard, despite what you think.” Jessie patted his leg. “Anyway, I’m here if you need me.” She leaned over and pecked a kiss to his cheek.
“Thanks.”
Jessie noticed his expression relax and she mirrored his expanding smile. Side by side, they sat in silence for a while, revelling in their new sibling connection. After a few minutes, she turned to him, a playful grin edging her lips. “So? Do you have anyone? A boyfriend?”
“Hell, no. I’m stuck out here in no man’s land—literally. No good country boy is gay around these parts.” His imitation of a thick country accent made her laugh.
“So…?” She cocked an eyebrow and glanced at his crotch.
“What do I do about sex? Mrs Palmer and I are good friends.” He waved his right hand in the air. She laughed again. “Whenever I can, I escape to Sydney or Canberra. Nobody knows me there, so I usually hook up with someone for a few days. It’s better than nothing.” He sighed. “By the way, sorry about my behaviour with BJ. I guess I was jealous you brought home such a good-looking man…” Mischief flashed in Richard’s eyes.
“Stop it. What? You have the hots for BJ?” She gave his shoulder a short, sharp slap.
“I would if he was gay. But he’s not. Still, he’s a real hottie.” The inflection of his voice rose and fell effeminately, giving Jessie a rare insight into the humorous side of her brother.
“Well, you just keep away from him. He’s not in the market.”
“Or not on the market? Maybe you two are an item, and we don’t it know yet?”
“We are not an item. We’re friends. Good friends.”
“Well, is he on the market or not?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you can’t be that good friends, if you don’t know that.” His lips pursed as his brow cocked pointedly.
“Listen, there’s been a lot more going on than talking about his availability.”
“Still…?” His voice trailed, leaving Jessie to ponder his remarks—and more importantly, her sudden, vehement response to them.
With the sun past noon, she kissed her brother and set off to find BJ. As she skirted the Garden Wing, she found Whiskey and him playing some sort of hide-and-seek near the privet bushes. He held a finger to his lips which stopped Jessie in her tracks.
“Whiskey. Find the ball. Find the ball.” Lifting his arm, he released his dog, observing her closely as she set off on. Around she went, sniffing low on the ground and high in the air. Under bushes, up on an old weathered table, around the base of nearby trees and in empty plant pots, her nose twitched following the scent trail of the ball. Passing the Daphne shrub at the foot of the stairs, she propped, snorted and back pedalled. With nose diving into the greenery, she scrounged a little longer. As if satisfied, she withdrew her head and sat back on her haunches. Giving a happy bark, she spun her eager face to BJ. “Good girl, Whiskey. Good girl.” Repeated praise followed by a treat sent Whiskey’s tail into frenzied delight.
“Wow. She’s good,” said Jessie, strolling towards them.
“Yes. She’s improving all the time. One day, she’ll make a terrific search and rescue dog. I’m sure of it. This may look like a game, but it’s all about positive reinforcement, practice and play.”
“If you’ve finished, would you like a swim? I bet Whiskey would.” Looking down at the dog, Jessie could have sworn Whiskey nodded in agreement. She laughed, and faraway kookaburras laughed back.
“That’s got to be the best sound I’ve heard in days.”
“What? The kookaburras? They’re noisy, aren’t they?” With a glance over her shoulder, her eyes skimmed the distant hill where kookaburras laughed intermittently at their own private jokes.
“No. Not the birds. It’s good to hear you laughing.”
“I haven’t had many things to laugh at over this past week or so, but having you and Whiskey here certainly lightens my mood. Now, how about that swim? Meet you out here in five minutes.”
Snapping a turn, she raced up the stairs with the sound of him light-footing it behind her.
Due to th
e unseasonal rains the month before, the grass outside the main homestead flourished thick, unmown and luxuriant. Brushing the sides of Jessie’s thonged feet, its cool, inviting touch reminded her of childhood days. Back then, she used to run barefoot through the grasses until her mother had threatened that Jessie’s budding ballet career would be over if she damaged her feet. Many a battle between them had been waged over Jessie’s barefoot antics.
Overhead, across a Delphinium blue sky, fairy floss clouds raced each other to some unknown destination beyond the Brindabella Ranges. With BJ and Whiskey strolling beside her, she almost forgot the tragic reason why she was here at Coodravale. A brief respite from the day-to-day drama, their presence gave her pause...and peace. She led the way down through the homestead gate and between the white blossoming crab apple trees. The thrumming of industrious bees caught Whiskey’s attention, but her animal instinct stopped her from investigating further. As Jessie looked up at BJ, they shared an intimate moment. Unspoken words are often the best. Unlatching another gate, she ushered them onward, then stopped as they crested a small knoll. “There it is. The Goodradigbee River. Its waters come all the way down from the Snowy Mountains then flow into the Murrumbidgee. The cleanest, purest waters you’ll find anywhere in the world. And if you’re really lucky, Murray cod will tickle your feet while you swim.”
“Wow. It’s just like an oil painting from the 1900’s—like stepping back in time. No wonder Banjo Patterson bought this place. Righto, Whiskey. You’re on your own. Go swim.” Understanding playtime was here, Whiskey leaped from his side and bolted to the banks of the river. Launching into the air, she splayed forward and aft legs, bombing the water with a loud smack.
“Come on. We better get in too. The current’s pretty strong. You don’t want Whiskey half way to the Murrumbidgee.” Jessie peeled off her light sun frock and sprinted to the river. By the time she splashed in and spun around, BJ had swum past her, calling Whiskey to come. The dog turned course and swam back until the three of them paddled in a cove on the outer limits of the current.
“How do you ever leave here and go back to the rat race in Melbourne?” he asked, as he kept one eye on Whiskey while she snapped at the water.
“It’s a beautiful place to come home to, but it’s not where I belong. The city is where ballet and the stage are. That’s where I belong.”
“I get that. But this place sure is peaceful.”
With the sun glancing off each ripple of the bark-brown tinted water, the charm of the Goodradigbee River and its surroundings couldn’t be denied. There was an untouched magic here she’d forgotten. “Yes, you’re right. There is a special kind of peace in the country. I guess because there’s usually some kind of family tension whenever I come home, I miss the real beauty of the place.”
Gazing at the opposite bank, she watched the unhurried sheep as they headed towards the river to quench their thirst. Hushed and patient, the straggly herd picked their way down the serpentine tracks. Bridal veils of weeping willow branches dipped to the water’s edge in quiet repose as if beckoning the sheep to join them. Nature was the grandest stage of all, and Jessie had grown up on it without even realising. “Now with Dad gone, I’ll have to get back here more often to see Mum. She’s going to need the support.”
“Did you talk to Richard?”
“Yes. It was the most honest conversation we’ve ever had. He told me how abandoned he felt when I left to go to Melbourne. I had no idea.”
“He’s been hurting a long time.”
“Yes, he has. But, at last, I’ve got my brother back.” She tried to reel in the words, but it was too late. “I’m sorry, BJ. That was insensitive of me.”
“It’s okay. I’m happy for you. Younger brothers are gold. I wish I could get my mine back. But it is what it is.”
She waited a few moments before continuing. “Aside from telling Mum he’s gay, Richard’s going to tell her he can’t stay here. He wants to leave as soon as he’s got a job.” She swept her hands to and fro through the chilly water and sighed.
“How do you think that will go down?”
“Who knows? What I do know is that death changes everything.”
“You’ll get no argument from me on that one. Nevertheless, Coodravale is a special place for you and Richard to come home to. And I’m sure Joanna is more than capable of managing whatever has to be done. It’ll work out.” He gave her a wink. “Now, how about you show me these man-sized burrows you told me the wombats dig along the river banks? I promise to keep Whiskey from tunnelling after them.”
“Okay. Follow me.” She stroked to the easiest edge of the river. Balancing on slippery river rocks, she stepped ashore and walked up to where they’d dumped their towels. As she glanced back, her breath hitched. BJ rose to his feet like a mythological god of the sea. Wet, golden hair streaked down his neck, and his burnished body, perfect in its symmetry, rippled as if honed by a master stone mason. The occasional glint of sun danced off the water trapped in his beard and trickled down the plane of his chest. And when he flicked his head back, dragging his fingers through his hair, her stomach somersaulted. Sporting a luminescent smile, he turned back to the water and hollered for Whiskey. Emblazoned across his formidable back, a mighty dragon tattoo breathed fire, its flames encircling both shoulders and upper arms. A mighty warrior. She had no doubt BJ had been as destined to be on the stage of war, as she on the stage of ballet. It was a comforting thought, but she couldn’t understand why. As man and dog ambled up to join her, she threw on her sun frock and towelled her hair.
“Okay. I’ll give you the tour of the wombat burrows. Then I’ll check on Mum. If she’s okay, we’ll grab a bottle of wine and come back here for sundowners and watch the sunset.”
“Sounds like a plan to me,” he said, stepping into his shorts. As if concurring, Whiskey executed a full body shake beside them, sending streams of water in every direction. Spontaneous laughter rang out from the banks of the Goodradigbee River, and the kookaburras in the distance joined in the joke.
In that otherworldly space, clammy hands slithered down Jessie’s arms as she retreated. She withdrew as far as she could into the abyss behind her, but still the disembodied hands followed, elongating bizarrely towards her. A familiar dusty smell penetrated her senses. What did it remind her of? Then it was gone. While the claustrophobic darkness continued to consume her, menacing hands touched and probed and prodded. Her strangled cry for consciousness finally escaped in an ear-piercing scream. Bolting upright in bed, she heaved in great gulps of air. With beads of icy sweat covering her goose flesh skin, Jessie shivered. At last, she was awake. Thwack! Her bedroom door flew open and smacked into the wall behind.
“Jessie. Are you all right?” BJ stood silhouetted in her doorway, his voice resonating alarm. Sliding on the light switch, he scanned her room, looking for a possible cause of her panic.
“I’m fine. Just a nightmare.” She steadied her breathing, but the dark emptiness of her nightmare lingered.
“Must have been one hell of a nightmare…” He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, and she noticed he was wearing only a pair of jockey shorts. “Do you want a glass of water?”
“No. I’ll be okay.” She punched her pillows, nestled back and dredged up a weak smile. “I’ve had nightmares since I was little. Everyone said I would grow out of them, but they’re still there.”
“How often do you have them?”
“Maybe twice or more a week.”
“Have you seen anyone about them?”
“Yes, I tried hypnotherapy and counselling, but it never does any good. They just come back. That’s why I slept so long in the car on the way here. I think I’m chronically tired, but since I don’t know what it’s really like to be untired, I don’t know.” She shrugged and felt her heart rate settle back to normal.
“That’s how we lived our tours of duty, catching sleep whenever we could. But basically we spent months physically exhausted with only adrenaline keeping us
going. Sleep deprivation is terrible torture.”
Her eyes roamed his face. “Do you think the police will find the person who broke into my unit?”
He clasped her hand. “Yes. I do.”
“But why haven’t we heard anything yet?”
“It takes time. Trust me, Angel is on the case. If the police find out anything, he’ll be the first to know. Then he’ll contact us. There’s nothing else we can do but wait. Let them do their job.”
“I don’t know how much more of all this I can take. I feel like my entire life is falling apart and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t even escape into sleep without some stalker finding me there as well.” The more she spoke the tighter she squeezed his hand. She felt like a ticking time bomb on rapid countdown before she detonated and exploded into a million pieces.
“Jessie, I know everything feels like it’s too much to handle, but it will pass. Your life will get back to normal. It’ll just take some time. I promise.”
“Really?” Her sense of panic lifted a little, and she loosened her grip.
“I promise.” He brushed a stray strand of hair from her face.
She heaved a breath until the tension passed. “Thanks. I’ll be fine now. You go back to bed.”
“Are you sure you don’t want anything?”
“Just a good night’s sleep.” She joked, but internally prayed her wish would come true.
“Well, maybe you’d sleep better if you thought about me being just out there.” He cocked his head in the direction of his bed. “No one can get you with me around. I promise.”
“Thanks. I’ll give it a go. Good night.” She slinked down and scrunched her pillows into a comfortable position.
“Good night.” He rose and moved to the door. Just before he switched off her light, he caught her gaze. “Sleep tight. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Retribution: Who would you kill to escape your past? Page 13