by Nicola May
‘Shit, bollocks, fuck.’ Jimmy staggered through the door. Ruby intuitively poured boiling water on to half a cup of coffee granules.
‘Black coffee for you today, Jimmy, it is then.’ She handed it to him, his rancid breath today laced with whisky, then put a mug of Diet Coke on Simon’s desk.
‘The bastards have sacked me.’ He twitched violently, sending coffee all over the floor. Ruby ran to grab his mug. ‘Oh Jimmy! Let me just clear this mess up and I’ll be with you.’ She hurried to the kitchen to get a cloth, just as Cali breezed in wearing a long pink kaftan-style dress that revealed her ample bosom.
‘I saw a glimmer of March sunshine this morning, so thought I’d don a frock today.’ Fanny the wonder dog barked loudly, then threw herself down on to the wooden floor exhausted.
Ellie appeared with Simon, chattering loudly.
‘AITCHOO! That fucking mongrel!’
‘Oh shut up, Simon - it’s not my Fanny I tell you. We all know you’re allergic to us really.’
Simon laughed. ‘And can I just say, your breasts are looking resplendent as usual, dear.’
Ruby laughed to herself; nobody other than Simon Dye could get away with a comment like that.
‘So what happened then, Jimmy?’ Ruby sat down next to the unkempt, overweight and very sad figure.
‘Somebody got offended by my swearing. I was serving a burger to this woman and for some reason couldn’t stop saying “tits”. I must have said it about ten times. I mean, she did have a fair pair, but she took offence and the gaffer of the burger van said it was the last straw. Most people love me there though, Rubes. The truckers have all got to know me. They probably swear more than me anyway.’
Ruby squeezed his hand and noticed his filthy nails. To be honest she wouldn’t want to be served food by him and suspected that his boss had just been waiting for a chance to get rid of him.
‘Oh, Jimmy. What are you planning to do for the rest of the week?’
He twitched violently again. ‘I am planning to drink, Ruby, that is what I am planning. I mean, what else is there to do?’ He caught a glimpse of Cali in her dress. ‘Tits, tits, tits.’
‘Alcohol is not the answer, you know that.’
‘It is at the moment - blanks it all out. I still miss her - Jenny, that is.’
‘I do understand, Jimmy, I really do.’ Ruby thought back to the nights she had drained countless bottles of wine and gone to bed in a stupor. ‘But you deserve happiness now. You will never forget her. And, you are not betraying her by moving on. There is room in your heart for someone else, I am sure of that.’
‘I don’t know if I believe you, young Ruby. But, I guess I can but try.’
‘Look, give me a couple of weeks. I need to sort a few things and I promise to help you get back on the work and love trail.’
‘You are such a darling.’ Jimmy smiled.
Ruby got another whiff of his foul breath. ‘Here, give me your phone. I am going to put a date in it. I need you for a whole day and you have to be sober and positive.’
‘Roger that!’ Jimmy clicked his heels together and saluted.
‘Roger what?’ Simon minced by them to the kitchen to fill his vodka mug.
***
Simon cleared his throat to conclude the evening’s session. ‘So that’s it then really. Lesson for today: if sex doesn’t feel right with the new love, give it a chance, try new things. It might be your mind not letting that love in.’ He drained his vodka mug. ‘And, more importantly, who’s coming to the pub? I don’t know about you but I need another - I mean I need a drink.’
He looked to the back of the room. ‘Ruby, can we tempt you this week?’ For some reason she had felt wrong mixing the traumas of the Bow Wowers with her own social life.
‘I’m sorry, I can’t tonight, I’m meeting a mate at O’Neill’s.’
‘Well, that’s just where we’re going, so come on - we can all walk together.’
Ruby smiled. ‘OK.’ They wouldn’t get there until ten fifteen, so if it was awful she wouldn’t have to bear them for long. For some reason Fi had wanted to stay the night with her, so she could catch up with her at home later as well.
***
Ruby signalled the universal drinking sign of a glass to lips from the bar and Fi automatically mouthed, ‘Large, please.’
‘Is that him? The sex-mad Simon you talk of? How hot is he?! And just look at that bulge.’
Ruby settled herself at the table close to the bar. ‘Fi Donahue, you are disgusting.’
‘And I take it that’s the Fireman, chatting to old Goldilocks over there?
You’re right, I would do him as well! I almost feel like dating a widower so I can come to your Bow Wow Club.’
‘You haven’t seen Jimmy yet. That might change your mind.’
‘Oh, I don’t know… remember when Bert was still a tramp and not living with Margaret, I woke up next to him under his mac in a doorway one morning.’
‘Only because you were too pissed to see the house numbers.’
‘Well, I can’t say I haven’t lived it. Now, I just put up with the frigidity of James Kane and his non-committed gene.’
‘Fi, it can’t be that bad. You two have a great relationship.’
‘Had, Rubes. He just doesn’t want sex any more, keeps harping on about me losing weight. He’s got to be having an affair. I mean - look at me. Yes, I’m a size twelve but it’s curves, not fat - right. All the men I’ve slept with before - and yes, we both know there have been a few - have been gagging for a piece of the Donahue booty. That’s why I’m staying with you tonight. He needs to miss me, needs to want me for a change.’
Simon winked over at them both.
‘Bloody hell, Rubes. He is just amazing. I have never slept with a black man before either. Just look at the size of him! He could swing me around the chandelier with just one of those big strong arms alone.’ She squirmed slightly on her seat.
‘Fuck!’ Ruby suddenly said loudly.
‘What?’ Fi jumped.
‘I cannot believe I forgot to tell you something SO bloody important.’
‘What? Go on. Is it Michael?’
‘No. Aw, bless. Don’t mention Michael. He doesn’t even return my texts at the moment. However, this isn’t about him.’
‘Sorry, mate. So what is it then?’ Fi leaned forward.
‘I went over to Rita’s in Stepney Green the other day, was dropping a dress off. Anyway, I was about to get on the bus home and I only bumped into the George look-a-like I mentioned. And honestly, he is his double. I felt sick. The only difference is a small mole on his left cheek and he speaks like he has a dozen plums in his mouth.’
‘Well, don’t people say that everyone has a double somewhere in the world? Did you get a photo?’
‘Er, no. Can you imagine? “Excuse me, you look just like my dead husband, smile please”.’
‘So how did you feel?’
‘It was just weird. He gave me his card.’
‘What! Why? And his name is?’
‘We both bent down to pick something up at the same time and bumped heads, and he said the least he could do was buy me a drink for hurting me. His name is Harry Bowman-Green, so there is no connection. It’s just a really odd coincidence.’
‘Well, no man ever gives his card out in a non-business way unless he wants to shag you, that’s a fact.’
‘Hmm. I want to see him again though, despite him seeming quite cocky. It is just like looking at George.’
‘Are you sure that’s good for you, though Rubes?’
‘No, I’m not sure. But it doesn’t look like Michael’s coming back, does it?’
‘Well, from what you’ve been saying no, so OK go for it but be careful of that heart of yours. It has started to heal, so don’t let it get any more cracks, not yet eh?’
Fi got up and kissed Ruby on the forehead as Simon approached them.
‘Ding, dong, you must be the ravishing Fi I’ve heard all about.’<
br />
‘And you must be sexy Simon, leader of the pack.’ Their eyes locked.
‘So what are you two lovely ladies doing now the pub’s closing?’
‘Just back to mine for a coffee and bed probably,’ Ruby offered.
‘What - you’re sharing a bed? Nice work, ladies.’ His Scottish accent obviously came into play when he was aroused too.
‘Simon! What are you like?’
But he ignored Ruby’s profession of innocence.
‘So do you take your coffee black?’ Simon directed at Fi.
‘I might.’ She ran her tongue around her lips and pouted.
Simon revealed a bottle of rum secreted beneath his jacket.
‘Got any cream, Rubes? I say back to yours and we get the Jamaican coffees going.’
***
It had been an age since the Amerhand maisonette had been subject to the sound of a full-on mattress-squeaking sex session.
Ruby’s attempts to deter them had been completely overshadowed by their obvious lust. So all she could do now was put a pillow over her head and pray that the bowed Victorian ceiling wouldn’t cave in, and that in the morning her naughty mate wouldn’t regret her drunken antics.
– Chapter Thirty-Eight –
‘I said it was his kid all along, didn’t I Bert?’
Bert was snoring in front of the fire, his love of Jeremy Kyle not quite as strong as Margaret’s.
She walked slowly to answer the door to a smiling Ruby.
‘Hello love, you’ve timed it perfectly. Jeremy is telling them to put something on the end of it. The people on here need bloody shaking, I tell you. Oh, I’d love to be in that audience and say my piece, show ’em what’s what.’ Bert opened one eye and raised a hand to Ruby, grunted and went back to sleep.
‘So for what do we deserve this pleasure, young Ruby?’
‘A strange request, but have you kept any of Bert’s old trousers from when he was a bit thinner last year?’
‘You know me, duck, I would recycle toilet paper if I could. I’ve got everything up in the back room. What on earth do you want them for anyway?’
‘Oh, there’s a chap at The Bow Wow Club who needs a makeover. I haven’t had time to run anything up for him - have managed to get him a couple of nice bits from the charity shop, but couldn’t find any suitable trousers. I know I gave some to Bert last year that were quite nice.’
‘I meant to ask how you’re getting on with the volunteering. Not cursing at your old neighbour for interfering again, I hope?’
‘Margaret, when have you ever interfered, eh? You’ve been nothing but a magnificent support to me. I love you like a grandmother, you know that.’
Margaret dabbed her eyes with the dirty tissue she had pulled from her sleeve.
‘Something strange did happen the other day though,’ Ruby went on.
‘Ooh, take a seat and tell me all about it.’
‘I saw a man in Covent Garden who looked the spitting image of George.’
‘Oh, love. I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘It’s fine, honestly. I then literally bumped into him again all the way over in Stepney Green, how weird is that? He even wants to meet me for a drink.’
‘Well, you know me: I don’t believe anything in life is a coincidence, it all happens for a reason. I told you before that it’s all written, and that’s why you ended up with your George. I have trouble understanding his untimely exit, but this will come to light too. I don’t know when, but it will.’ Margaret heaved a thoughtful sigh, then said sharply: ‘Have you a got a photo of this new one?’
‘That’s what Fi asked too. Of course I haven’t.’
‘Well, I just want to check it’s not your mind playing tricks and you maybe wanting him to look like George.’
Margaret took a moment to reflect. She shut her eyes slowly, opened them and exhaled deeply.
‘Don’t be fooled by this one, Ruby; don’t make him into something he isn’t,’ was her message.
‘Oh, Margaret, you are so wise but that’s one of the reasons why I love you. I’ll be careful, I promise. Nice to have a bit of attention, anyway.’
‘And what about your Michael? He sounds so lovely. Can’t you try again?’
‘It’s him who broke it off.’
‘He is just giving you space.’
‘If he really wanted me, Margaret, he’d be banging the door down by now.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, my gel, that men are different creatures. I bet you’ve got no idea what he’s thinking right now.’
‘Well, all I know is it’s not about me, and I don’t like that.’
‘Good.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I said good. If you don’t like it, that means you like him more than you realise.’
‘Margaret! You’re a nightmare. But I do like him, you’re right. Come on, let’s go upstairs - you can show me those trousers.’
***
Ruby scrabbled in her messy bag to reach her ringing phone. It was a crisp and sunny morning and she had a spring in her step as she was looking forward to her date with Harry Bowman-Green later.
‘Rubes, it’s me, Fi.’ Her Irish friend sounded out of breath. ‘Where are ya, ginge?’
‘I’m about to meet Jimmy - you know, the fat one from the Bow Wow. I’m going to give him his make-over.’
‘Oh feck, I need to see ya urgently.’
‘Don’t tell me James has found out about you and Simon?’
‘No, it’s worse than that.’
‘Shit - tell me.’
‘I’m only feckin’ pregnant.’
‘But that’s amazing!’
‘It would be if I knew who the feckin’ father was.’
‘Jesus!’
‘The Almighty,’ a whistling Simon added as he rounded the corner of the church hall, wearing a dog collar!
‘Oh God, I mean gosh, you’re right.’ Ruby managed a strained smile at Simon and pointed to the phone. ‘It is definitely worse than that! Emergency meeting in Piaf’s at six. I’m meeting Harry at seven, so be prompt.’
– Chapter Thirty-Nine –
Michael carried on with Chapter 22.
A Ring for Miss Ruby by Michael Bell
Emily was waiting at the door, nipples poking through her little vest, white stockings and suspenders accentuating her honed thighs.
He felt a stirring in his jeans.
‘Don’t talk,’ she demanded. She kept his gaze, pushed him hard back on the bed and ripped off his jeans. She took his now hard cock in her mouth and teased him with her tongue. ‘Pooky’s been a bad boy leaving his wifey for Valentine’s weekend, hasn’t he?’ Michael nodded and gasped as his pregnant wife then gagged him. He adored it when she wore her stockings and was desperately holding back from coming even though he was on the edge.
‘Not yet, bad boy. I want to straddle you,’ she whispered, lifting her sexy vest to reveal her ever-hardening nipples.
‘Want some, do you?’ she asked menacingly. Michael made an affirmative noise behind the silk scarf.
Releasing his now fully erect cock from his jeans, Michael quickly moved to the sofa.
‘Ruby, oh Ruby,’ he cried out loudly as he came with force.
Blimey, he thought. Maybe writing erotica was the way forward. Or maybe not; he had only written half a page and look what had happened!
He was at the stage of missing Ruby so much he wanted to contact her, but in his head he had set a deadline of 1 May, which would give her a good few weeks to do what she had to do. If she had forgotten him by then, then love had lost.
‘Please let love win,’ he said out loud in a pathetic voice.
Then, ‘That’s it. That’s the title. Bloody brilliant! A Ring for Miss Ruby is not strong enough. LET LOVE WIN by Michael Bell. Perfect!’ The ladies would love that, he just knew it.
– Chapter Forty –
Ruby had ten minutes before Jimmy was due to meet her. She followed Simon in to the gra
veyard, reeling slightly from Fi’s announcement.
‘You didn’t say you were a vicar.’
‘You didn’t ask. Is that a problem, Ruby?’
‘And I thought you were gay.’
‘Two revelations in one day, then. I’m just a very camp Reverend, darling. Every hole is a goal if it’s attractive enough.’
‘Simon, you’re a vicar!’
‘But I’m a living, breathing, hot-blooded man. A human being, just like you, Ruby. The fact that I have dedicated my life to God – oh, and the bloody Bow Wow Club of course - doesn’t make me any different.’
‘I never thought of it like that. Well, whatever, I’m pleased to have you as my friend.’
‘Ditto. Now, enough of our mutual masturbating. How’s that sexy Irish bombshell?’
‘She’s fine.’ Ruby inwardly grimaced, not wanting to elaborate.
‘Good, good. I have to say I’m not proud of the fact that she’s with a partner as that does go against my moral core. However, she didn’t tell me until my cock was wedged far into her mouth and it would have been rude to ask her to remove it.’
‘You are just so wrong, Simon Dye!’
Simon laughed. ‘I know, and I won’t change. And that goes for you too, Rubes. Don’t ever change, girl. You’re a good person. I like your heart.’
‘Aw, what a lovely thing to say.’
‘Well, believe it, my friend.’
‘Right, I’d better go,’ Ruby said. ‘Jimmy will be waiting for me at the church hall. I’m giving him a makeover.’
‘See? I know a good ’un when I see one.’ He suddenly gasped and grabbed her by the hand. ‘Before you go, let me show you that headstone I mentioned. Come on.’ He hurried her to the bottom of the graveyard. Under a beautiful willow tree was the plainest of grey stones, and all that it said was:
Here lies Melody Pratt, she was taken by a wasp.
‘No!’ Ruby was in hysterics. ‘I’m gonna wet myself. That’s hilarious.’
‘Not to her loved ones it’s not,’ Simon said with a straight face. Then he broke into hysterics too. ‘I told you it was funny.’