“Well, since Mom is doing doggy facing down with her personal trainer, no. We’re alone. And even if we weren’t, I’m just projecting my image out. I exist, but we share the same body.”
“Get out!” Since I could finally see It, I felt relieved that I had something lash out at. I was forced to believe it was real, but I was glad to look at it and feel like I could reach out and attack it if I needed to. But to add insult to the injury of inflecting my body, it dared to wear my face when playing imaginary friend!
“There’s no need to be hostile. We should talk like adults.”
I was about to start screaming at it, but I shut my mouth up and refocused before I completely lost myself and began to walking up the stairs toward my room. “I’m not supposed to talk to you.”
“Why?” I thought I was getting away from it, but the demon appeared right at the top step before I could make it up halfway. “Julian has his hooks in you that deep?”
I resented that, but the demon knew that. The demon made me feel that way about Julian. I wasn’t going to continuously let myself be tricked by it. “He said I shouldn’t talk to you, and I don’t want to talk to you.”
I kept walking up the stairs, and the demon made way for me, but followed me toward my room. I made sure to slam the door behind me to keep it out, and the door should have hit its face if the demon were real. “I’m not your enemy.”
I should have taken Julian’s advice, but I was enraged and opened the door back up to confront it. “You’re eating my soul and trying to steal my body!”
It threw its hands up defensively. “Hey, I was chilling in hell, and then you brought me up here to the surface. I don’t have a physical body, and I’m not the float around type, thanks to whatever you did when you pulled me back up with you. I need a host. I’m stuck in you, and it’s your fault.”
“My fault?” I shrieked. “You think I want you in me?”
“No, but you’re the one who killed yourself. We like to play with new souls when they arrive, and when yours was recalled to the land of the living, I was drawn to it like a beacon.” It crossed its arms stubbornly. “It’s simply not my fault, so it has to be yours.”
“Don’t try to act like you miss hell, and this isn’t exactly what you wanted.”
“I didn’t plan this if that’s what you’re thinking. But I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of this situation.” It walked over to my bed and sat down on it like the demon owned the place! I hated the smile on its face—my face! Why couldn’t it project a little demon with horns and a tail? Why me? It made me sick!
“Get out of me!”
“I understand that you’re mad. I’m cramped in here too, but we can strike a bargain.”
“Strike a bargain?” I asked hysterically.
“I don’t have to take over your body or eat your soul. You ditch Julian, let me live in here, and I’ll make all your wildest dreams come true.” It smiled as if it expected me to be that stupid.
“Like I believe that!”
“You should. I can absolutely deliver! You can have the hot guy, more friends than you could ever care about, and I can put your parents back together for real.”
I can’t say that I wasn’t tempted and, unfortunately, the demon knew that I was. I did want to be with Michael, despite making me a fool in front of everyone. Those feelings for him probably weren’t even real. The demon probably produced them. I didn’t care about having a lot of friends as long as a few were genuine, but it would have been nice for tons of people to have your back. If a demon could control my emotions, I had to suspect that it could control others. If not for the fact that it promised my parents happiness with each other, I maybe could have fallen for it. “You’re lying.”
The demon looked a bit irritated but kept a fake smile on its face. “Why would I lie to you? Why would I bother offering you anything if I didn’t want to help? I can take your body. I don’t need your permission.”
I was a little intimidated, but it couldn’t be true. Julian would have told me if the demon could just completely take control. The demon had to be lying! “No, you need me to mess up enough times. I won’t screw up anymore. I’ll beat you.”
“I was afraid you might think that.” The demon sighed and stood up until it was right in front of me. I tried to back away from it, but I honestly couldn’t move. “I guess I have to demonstrate my power.”
I heard the music first, blasting in my ears so loud and fast that it didn’t sound like any cohesive melody. It was just noise coming into my head and inflating it with constant pain. Flashes of light appeared next. Different colors burst into my eyes so much that I couldn’t tell them apart. I couldn’t tell anything apart. It was all a blur of huddled people. I felt claustrophobic, feeling the heat of huddled masses continuously flowing and I was a part of it. I didn’t know why I was moving—dancing—but I couldn’t stop.
Nothing really came all the way into focus. I didn’t know where I was. The music became vaguely familiar, and my body enjoyed it. My head never stopped hurting, but I had enough sense to know that I was with two guys in front of me, but when I reached out to touch one of them, it turned out that only one of the images was tangible. I thought it was freaky, but I reached out until I found the real one and kept moving.
I wasn’t much of a dancer, but my body was loose and I was easily amused by my hair flipping back and forth through the air. I nearly lost my balance and collapsed, but the guy behind me was happily there to catch me. I turned around and threw my arms on him to keep steady. My feet were burning, and my heels were higher than I could manage. All of my clothes were weird. Everything that wasn’t skin was shimmering. My legs and chest felt so bare, and I felt too much air circulation.
I looked behind me at the double imaged man. He was too old to be dancing with—maybe in his late thirties since his hair was a little frosted, and he had some wrinkles. I couldn’t make out much about him, and I didn’t know why I was dancing with him, but I did recognize the pair of pink, silk panties sticking out from his pocket.
“Stop!” I staggered away from the man and started stumbling forward. I could dance, but I could hardly walk to the bar where the closest seat was. Then when I got to a chair, I almost fell out of it, and the man had to help me once again.
“You look like you could use another drink.”
The lights all around me were so bright that I had to bury my face in the bar to shield my eyes. I didn’t know where I was, how I had gotten there, where my keys were, and if I had even brought my phone. My life had become a cliché for a bad pop song when all I wanted to do was take a nap.
“Here you are.” A glass clanked against the wooden bar and echoed louder than the music, and I rose straight up. There was a glass of something in front of me. It was brown and foamy, but I didn’t drink alcohol, except for the occasional wine glass for special dinners. But was I drunk? Was that why I was wobbling all the time in my seat and couldn’t think or see straight?
“What is this?”
“Oh!” He reached in a shirt pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills and sprinkled a couple into my drink. “You need your favorite poison, right?”
I rested my chin on the table and watched the pills dissolve into my mystery drink. I had no idea what those pills were either. “Am I high?” That would explain why it felt like the world was constantly circling every time I stood still.
“Much more than me,” he admitted. I don’t remember what he exactly looked like, but I think he was attractive. “Drink up.” He had exactly the same cocktail I did, so I gulped it down just as he did. My world was still spinning, but I happily let him lead me back to the dance floor.
I don’t know what happened after that. I lost some time. I know I kept moving with him, and he always held me close, but I don’t know for how long or what I thought or what was said. I couldn’t really hear or see, but everything amused me and made me giggle. Then it all started to come back when he started to kiss me.
&
nbsp; I kissed the man back, but my stomach was aching and my cheeks almost felt like they were sweating and pinching from the inside. I was dizzy, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that my eyeballs felt like I had acid splashed on them. I lowered my head, but the man continued to kiss my neck while I swayed lightly from side-to-side, feeling worse the more I began to lose balance. Then, I started running.
I didn’t know where I was going until I pushed on the door and entered the bright, clean bathroom. I lost my balance and fell on my hands and knees, but I had to hurry. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. I crawled for the nearest stall and rammed it open with my head until I was leaning over a toilet. Then I proceeded to empty my stomach’s contents into the bowl.
Tears started streaming down my face. I felt so miserable, and I didn’t know why. I just wanted to go home, but I didn’t know how to get there. I was too tired to get out. I must have stayed there with my head over the toilet bowl for the next ten minutes while I sobbed.
There were other girls who came in the bathroom and I heard them chattering and laughing probably about me. I wasn’t like the mean things they were saying. I didn’t do that to myself. “Please help me,” I mumbled at least six times before someone bothered to open up the stall and look at me.
“Having a rough night?” The blurry faced girl bent down. “Let me call you a cab.”
“No!” I grabbed her arm and tried to snap out of whatever I was in. “Can I use your phone?”
I couldn’t make out what her answer was, but she handed me the phone anyway. I started dialing the number, but it never made sense every time I tried it. My fingers were too heavy and slow. It took four tries before I dialed the right one, and he answered. “Hello?”
“Julian!” I started sobbing. I couldn’t believe that I was desperate enough to call him and that I had no one else that I could. “I need you to come get me.”
“Where are you?”
“I don’t know!” It was the scariest thing in the world. I felt violated, disgusting, and unattractive. My underwear was missing. Only God knew if I had slept with anyone or what I had promised to do to my dance partner once we got off the dance floor. “Please come get me.”
“Okay. Give the phone to someone more sober than you.”
I did what he said and handed the girl her phone back. I didn’t hear what they had said, but she propped me up in the corner of the stall and left me there once she got off the phone. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t know what would happen to me if I were.
I was terrified and cried, and I cried until I passed out.
I felt a faint light hitting my face, and I squirmed a bit until I realized I was sinking in the comfort of fluffy warm blankets and pillows. I ceased trying to fight it once I realized how comfortable and safe I was. Plus, I was exhausted. I slowly opened up my eyes and saw a face hanging over me. His eyes were staring down into mine, full with such a level of concern that I hadn’t noticed before. “Julian?”
He smiled, and it was weird. “So you’re finally awake, huh?” It wasn’t a weird smile. It was just weird that he was smiling.
I tried to sit up, but I immediately felt lightheaded and fell back down into my bed. My body was like a ton of bricks! “Are my parents here?”
“No. It’s just us right now.” It was completely weird how he brushed the loose strands of hair out of my face so we could see each other better. I was noticing little things about him that I hadn’t noticed before. He was so much kinder and gentler than I ever could have guessed. “What did you take?”
“I don’t know.” I rubbed my burning eyes as I tried to think back to what happened after I confronted my demon, but it was no use. I woke up in the club with that guy and the only thing I remembered taking was the alcohol and the pills. “The demon made me do it. I don’t even remember. You have to believe me!”
“I do.” I had risen up from trying to explain myself in such a panic. Julian gently grabbed me by my shoulders and eased me back down. “Just rest and we’ll figure this out in the morning once you’re sober and off your buzz or whatever.”
I thought he was a creepy freak before. Then I realized how manly he was and that it was possible for him to be attractive, but I still thought he was too much of a jerk to be liked. I genuinely did think he was only after my innocence so he could taint it to his own liking. Suddenly, he ripped the veil from off my eyes, and I saw another layer that I hadn’t expected. “You do care about me.”
He smiled. “Of course I do.”
Mom and Dad might have come, but I couldn’t imagine them taking care of me like he did. I literally didn’t have anyone else besides him. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve treated you!” I was overwhelmed from guilt and started to cry uncontrollably because I was too tired to fight or wipe my tears away.
“It’s okay, Michelle.” And just when I thought he couldn’t rise any further above my expectations, he proceeded to wipe my tears from my eyes. “Just get some sleep and everything will be alright in the morning.”
I believed him. I was determined not to ever let the demon make me feel negative toward him again. If there were one person in the world that deserved my trust, it was Julian. “Will you please stay with me tonight?”
He drew his hand back and looked surprised and unsure. Was he that much of a gentlemen or was he afraid that he wasn’t? “Sure. I’ll stay.”
I made room for him, and he eased in next to me as if he were afraid I was going to pounce on him. I suppose I had a track record, but that’s not why I wanted him to stay. I knew he could make me feel safe and help protect me from myself. It was terrifying not being able to trust my own mind.
I rested on his chest and pulled my blanket over the both of us. I heard him quietly gulp and his heart beginning to race. I smiled and did my best not to make any smart comments so I wouldn’t ruin the moment. Even though my mind had been lost for most of the day, I was peaceful enough to fall back into sleep knowing that he would be my guardian. “Thank you, Julian.”
“You’re welcome, Michelle.”
Morning time came in like a violent burst and exploded onto my face. I could imagine what a vampire felt like when they met their unfortunate fate by the power of the sun, because my eyes were extremely sensitive to the light. I tried shielding my eyes with my blanket, but Julian pulled my covers off. “Please!”
“We’ve gotta get you ready for school.”
I pouted and moaned. I didn’t want to go. I had a splitting headache and a broken and embarrassed heart. I didn’t know how to face Michael and his girlfriend after exposing myself as a slut in front of the entire school. “Do I have to?”
“I need to keep an eye on you, and this isn’t a good place to do it.”
He didn’t even know the half of it! My mom would have been really crossed if he ruined her aerobics workout for the day. “Fine!” I found the strength to sit up, but I still moaned for a little while. I was so miserable; I didn’t know what to do. “I’m starving, and I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll sneak downstairs and find you something.”
“My parents still don’t know you’re here?”
“No, and I’d like to keep it that way.” He smiled, and he did kind of look adorable. Something was different about him, and I don’t know why it took me so long to figure it out.
I pondered about what it was once he left the room. He had bedhead instead of his usual razorblade cut bangs draping diagonally across his face. That wasn’t what was different that made me find him more attractive.
I got out of bed and stumbled into my bathroom so I could take a shower. I wasn’t still drunk or high, but my legs and feet really hurt. I wondered how long I had been dancing in those ridiculous shoes. I wondered where I got the whole outfit for that matter. Nothing that I had on seemed remotely familiar. I would have never bought such dangerous shoes if I were in my right state of mind. It still felt like my feet were being stabbed and all I did was transfer my feet from carpet t
o tile.
I didn’t exactly want to look in the mirror, but I stumbled right into the sink and my reflection just happened to be there. Man, I looked like crap! My eyes were red, my hair was crazy, and my face was stained with black tears from my mascara rolling down my face. I realized that I didn’t want to take a shower while Julian was over, so I combed my hair roughly with my fingers and washed my face with a hot rag. Once I was done with it, I spotted a used rag that was stained with mascara residue.
Then it dawned on me that Julian had washed his face clean, and I could actually see a man and not a raccoon. Surprisingly, I thought the man was really, really cute.
I hurried and put on a pair of panties. I couldn’t believe I had been commando for so long. Then it dawned on me that I shared a bed with Julian, and it really grossed me out. I quickly changed into a pair of pajamas and hopped into the bed seconds before he came back with a jug of orange juice and a big bag of chocolate covered pretzels. “I love you!”
“You love me?” He tried to be casual about it, but a flattered smile fought its way tooth and nail for the right to spread across his face. “That’s different.”
“You know what I mean!” I reached out for the jug of juice and started chugging it as soon as it got in my hands. I obviously couldn’t drink it all, but I needed to satisfy my insane thirst. Julian looked a bit slighted and I smiled innocently after wiping my mouth. “Sorry. I take it you don’t drink after people?”
“You didn’t get Chlamydia last night, did you?”
“I couldn’t tell ya.” I continued on chugging what my little stomach could take. I could only go through a couple of more gulps so I could leave room for the pretzel bag that I was about to destroy.
“I’m fine. I’ll pick up something on the way home.”
He was watching me, and I felt awkward all the sudden. I felt compelled to tell him what I thought about how he looked while I thought I looked like a mess. “You know, you look nice without all that gook on your face.”
Almost Alive Page 6