He grunted.
So much for conversation starters. She chewed her pinky nail. Maybe she should just get right down to it. “I was wondering if we could talk about something.”
“I ain’t got no extra money this month, so you can save your breath.”
His words hit somewhere deep inside her. “I don’t need money, Daddy …”
Daddy. She hadn’t called him that in years. Her thoughts raced with words she was afraid to say. Help me she pleaded, then wondered who she was pleading with. Would Natalie’s God help her? Why should He? She was deceiving Natalie. She was probably rotten to the core just like her dad said.
“What is it, then?” her dad asked.
Was there a softening in his voice? Was it because she’d called him “Daddy” or because of her prayer? “I have a problem you need to know about. Remember that guy I was seeing awhile back?”
“How would I remember him? You never brought him home.”
How could she bring a married man home to her dad? Besides, she would have died before bringing Keith into this dump to meet her drunk father. Why had she brought up Keith anyway? Was she trying to prove that at least this baby was the result of a relationship and not a trashy one-night stand? What did it matter anyway? Pregnant was pregnant. He would see it all the same.
“That thing I needed to tell you,” she said, bracing herself and making the words form on her tongue, “is that I’m pregnant, Daddy.” She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, glad for the dimness of the room and the lamp that stood between them. Her heart pressed against her ribs. The silence was louder than the blaring TV.
Then he slammed his beer bottle on the table and spit out a few choice words. “Well, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised now, should I?” The sarcasm in his tone twisted the words like someone wringing a dirty dishrag. He cursed again. “What am I supposed to do about this? No, that’s not the question, is it? The question is what are you supposed to do about this, and I think we both know the answer!”
He leaned forward and glared at her across the table, but she couldn’t look. He was talking about abortion. She blinked rapidly. He couldn’t make her do it, could he? She wasn’t a minor anymore.
“You’re gonna get rid of it, and that’s all there is to it. And you’re gonna pay for it yourself because this is your mess, not mine!”
Her heart felt like it was cracking. This was his grandchild they were talking about. Didn’t he know this baby had a heartbeat and tiny fingers and a little pug nose?
Of course he didn’t know. She hadn’t known herself until she’d seen the ultrasound. And she hadn’t even told him how far along she was. She cleared her throat and hugged the pillow tighter. “The thing is, I’m further along than you might be thinking. I’m twenty-one weeks. Five months pregnant.”
He shot to his feet like a Jack-in-the-Box. “Five months!” His eyebrows knotted up, his mouth practically snarled.
She looked down at her arms, curled around the pillow.
“You’ve been hiding this for five months?”
“Not hiding, Daddy. Just deciding.”
“Ain’t no decision to make, girl! We can’t afford no baby, and I’m not having some squalling kid living here.” He turned and rubbed his stubbled jaw, mumbling something Linn was glad she couldn’t hear.
He hadn’t mentioned adoption. Maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad to him. He wouldn’t be put out. He wouldn’t have to pay for anything. Maybe she’d use his insurance, but Natalie would take care of the rest, wouldn’t she?
“I know I’m not ready to be a mom yet. I wasn’t thinking of keeping the baby.”
“Well, that’s good, but you still have to get rid of it yourself.” He crossed his arms and stared at her from across the room. The light from the TV flickered on his face as the program went to a commercial break. He took a swig from the bottle.
“How could you let this happen?” he asked. “How many times did I warn you? But did you listen? No, just as stubborn and rebellious as you ever were. Not at all like Jilly. It was always you giving me the trouble.”
If her heart cracked before, it shattered now. It was always about Jillian. Perfect Jillian. She blinked back the tears. “Stop it. That’s not fair. Jillian wasn’t perfect, you know.”
“She wouldn’t have gone and got herself knocked up, that’s for sure! She wouldn’t have hooked up with some man near old enough to be her dad neither.”
No, Jillian only married a man who killed her. Linn’s insides clenched tightly. “Maybe I wouldn’t have either if I had a real dad,” she muttered.
“What? What did you say, girl?”
She looked at him then, fear in her gut. His hair stuck up like he’d just ran his fingers through it. He looked like a madman. She should just shut her mouth before she regretted it.
“You got something to say, I can see. Go ahead. Tell me. I’m dying to know.” Sarcasm again.
Fine. She would. “Ever since Jillian died, you’ve done nothing but drink and yell and shout. And even before, you weren’t much of a dad. Maybe I’m not the perfect daughter like you’ve always wanted, but I’m the only one that’s left. Why can’t you see that?” She swiped the tears off her cheeks.
“Why, you ungrateful brat.”
His tone, deceptively calm, drew her eyes to him. It scared the snot out of her.
He swatted at the nearest thing on the shelf beside him, a clay ashtray she’d made him in third grade. It fell to the wood floor and cracked into two pieces.
“I’ve let you live here. I’ve put food on the table and clothes on your back …” He cursed, then punched the wall beside him.
She pulled the pillow tightly to her stomach as if she could shield her baby from him.
“I’m not talking about things, Dad.”
“What, the little girl didn’t get what she wanted? You always was spoiled. Too good to live in this house. Clothes I bought was never good enough for you. Always complaining about something.”
“Not like Jillian, right?” She could do sarcasm, too. She’d learned from the best.
“Leave her out of this! You have no right to talk about her with that tone.”
“She was my sister. I lost her, too.”
“You don’t know nothing about loss! I lost your mother and my Jilly. You don’t have a clue.” He turned from her and brought a hand to his face. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was crying. But he never cried. Except when Jillian had died. He’d lost his child, and he was asking her to willingly kill her own.
“And now you want me to lose my baby.”
“It’s not a baby. It’s a … a bunch of tissue or something!”
“No, it’s not, Dad. I’ve seen pictures. My baby has fingers and toes and a heartbeat.”
He turned, and she thought his eyes looked glassy in the dim light. “Stop it! You’re getting rid of it, or you’re getting out of this house. I’m not raising another kid.”
“I never asked you to. You never even let me tell you what I want to do.”
“You think you’re so smart. Just because you got that scholarship—”
He stopped so abruptly, she knew what was coming next.
“You have to use that scholarship this year. You’re going to college in two months. You can’t do that with a baby.”
“I know I can’t.” She drew a deep breath. “I was thinking of giving the baby up for adoption. I’ve already found a woman who wants—”
“That’s crazy! How can you go off to school pregnant? You’re being stupid, Linn!”
“No, I’m not. If you’ll just listen. There’s this really neat lady who wants to adopt the baby. You should meet her, Dad, and see—”
“The only thing I see is a girl who made a stupid mistake and found a stupid answer. You’re going to college in August, and that’s all there is to it.”
“It’s not your decision.”
“You live in this house and eat my food. Don’t tell me it’s not my decision.”
She might live in his house, but she bought more groceries than he did. He was in no mood for her to throw that in his face, though. She closed her eyes. This was going as badly as she’d feared. What could she say to change his mind?
“I can go to college in January. Would it really make that big a difference?”
“You’re not putting off school.” He glared until she looked away.
Was he that eager to be rid of her? She bit the inside of her lip. “I’ll earn my keep. I’ll cook and clean and do laundry.”
“You’re getting rid of it, Linn, and that’s all I have to say about it.”
Who did he think he was? It was her body, her baby. He couldn’t tell her what to do. She clamped her jaw down before the thoughts came out. She had to handle this carefully, or she’d find herself living on the streets. Maybe she should just be quiet and let it drop for the night. If he had a night to sleep on it, he might be in a better frame of mind once the shock wore off.
Maybe she could even have Natalie over for supper or something. If he met her, maybe he’d change his mind. And Natalie could explain how it was a real baby, not a—
“When are you going to do it?”
“What?”
“That abortion clinic is back open now. The sooner you get it done, the better.”
She winced. How could he treat it like this? Like it was some thing you check off a to-do list. It was her baby. Didn’t he care about it?
But why should he care about her baby when he’d never cared about her? Why had she hoped for anything from him?
“I can’t do it, Dad.” The words just fell from her lips, and she regretted it the moment they were out. It would have been better to dodge his question and pick up the conversation later.
He put his work-roughened hands on his hips. “Don’t you argue with me, girl.”
“I’m not a girl anymore. I’m a woman, and it’s my decision, not yours.” Her words quivered like a big bowl of Jell-O.
One side of his nose curled up. “You live in my house, you abide by my rules.”
“Let’s just think about it for a while. It’s too important a decision to make on a whim.”
“Answer’s no!”
He was so stubborn. She knew he’d never go back on his answer once he’d given it. He’d rather die than change his mind. Jillian was the only one who’d ever been able to change his mind. His precious Jillian.
“I’m not doing it. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m going to have this baby—and it is a baby, Dad. Natalie’s going to adopt it, and I’ll go to college next semester.”
“Ain’t gonna happen. You get rid of it, or you find yourself someplace else to stay.”
Her stomach dropped to the floor. She was sunk now. He’d said the words; he’d never go back on them. Old man had too much pride to change his mind. She closed her eyes. Where would she go? She’d saved enough to spend a few nights at a hotel if she drove to Alpine and stayed someplace cheap.
What had she gotten herself into? She should have brought Natalie along. Maybe it would have made a difference. It was too late now. She’d never been out on her own before. She didn’t make enough at Bubba’s to live anywhere in Jackson. Property was a mint around here, thanks to all the rich people moving in from all over.
Maybe she could find a couple roommates and stay over in Alpine, where things were a little cheaper. She’d need time to get that together, though.
She looked at her dad and hated the way he looked at her. As if she were road kill he had to clean up off the pavement. Why did it still hurt after all these years?
“Can I at least have a few weeks to find someplace to stay?” She tried to inject the right amount of humility and gratitude in her voice.
“No way.”
Her heart sunk. She gritted her teeth. What? Was he just going to toss her out on her duff? “I need some time—”
“Listen here, missy, if you want to stay here, you get rid of the problem. If not, you can get your things and leave right now.”
“Now?” It was irrational, even for her dad. Who kicked their pregnant daughter out of the house at eight-thirty at night?
He turned and walked back to the kitchen. She heard the fridge door suck open and heard him open another beer. She had to think. She had to get him to give her until morning at least. Did the bus run to Alpine at night? One night at a Jackson hotel would eat up all her savings. Especially with the peak season rates.
She got up and followed him to the kitchen. He sat at the kitchen table, his face lit by the florescent light in the center of the ceiling. He didn’t look at her when she stopped in the doorway. What could she say? What would Natalie say? She was so good at explaining things. Linn had been stupid to do this alone. She’d messed it up good.
“All right, Daddy, I’ll leave if that’s the way you want it. But can I have ’til morning? I don’t know if I can get a ride to—”
“Stop your sniveling, Linn. I told you to leave tonight, and I ain’t changing my mind unless you agree to my terms.”
“Be reasonable—”
“Reasonable is not getting knocked up when you’re nineteen about to go off to college. Reasonable is making a better choice about it when you do. Don’t tell me to be reasonable. I’m done talking.” He got up from the table, his chair scraping on the floor. He snatched up his bottle and left the kitchen. As he did, he tossed some words over his shoulder. “If you’re not out by ten, I’ll be tossing your things on the front lawn.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Natalie finished filling out one form from the stack of papers and set it facedown beside her. This was her least favorite aspect of the job. The paper trail. No clients had come in yet this morning, but the incessant ringing of the phone had her nerves jangling. She was glad Amanda was at the front desk taking all the calls; otherwise, she wouldn’t have gotten a thing done. Even worse was that she had trouble concentrating; she was already getting excited about the baby. She was starting to wonder if it was a boy or a girl and what he or she would be like.
The phone rang again, and she heard Amanda answer.
“Miss C, call on line one,” Amanda called from the front room.
“Thanks.” She picked up the phone and punched the lit button. “This is Miss C.”
“Its me, Natalie.”
It was only three words, but the tone spoke volumes. “Linn, what’s wrong?”
“Dad kicked me out last night.”
“What? Because you told him about the baby?”
She gave a wry laugh. “Yeah, I told him, but he, like, didn’t take it so good.”
“Where are you? Are you OK?”
“I’m at Kayley’s house, one of the other waitresses at Bubba’s, but I gotta get out of here because her mom’s coming home from work in an hour, and she’d pitch a fit because Kayley’s grounded.”
Natalie ran her fingers through her hair. Linn had said her dad would go ballistic, but Natalie had hoped she was wrong.
“I’m scared, Natalie. I don’t have anywhere to stay, and I only have enough money to spend one night in a hotel. They’re so expensive here, and the bus line doesn’t go to Alpine, and I can’t ride my bike all the way there, since my job’s here—”
“Calm down, Linn. It’s going to be all right.” She tried to inject the same calm assurance that had settled many of her nervous clients down. Could she offer Linn a place to stay? Did she have any choice?
“Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to come and pick you up and take you to my house. You can stay there until we figure something else out, OK?”
She heard Linn sniffle, then a round of silence.
“Linn, did you hear me?”
Another sniffle. “Why are you being so nice to me? First you agree to raise my baby for me, now you’re giving me a place to stay. I don’t get it. I don’t have anything to offer you.”
Bless her heart. Natalie’s insides went as soft as freshly baked bread. “Honey, I
care about you because God cares about you. I don’t want anything from you. I just want to help you.”
“But why?”
She looked at her watch. “I’d love to explain it to you, but let’s do it later, OK? We need to get you out of there so we don’t get Kayley in trouble. What’s the address?”
Linn told her she was just north of Miller Park, but that she could ride her bike over. “But don’t you have your things, your clothes and everything?”
She said she did, and Natalie insisted on picking her up. She left the center and made the short trip to Kayley’s house. It was a beaten-up shack of a house, with missing shutters and grass growing through the cracks in the sidewalk. Linn came through the door with a giant Shopping bag and a book bag slung on one shoulder. Natalie got out of the car and grabbed the bike off the porch. She patted Linn’s shoulder as they piled the things inside the SUV.
Once they hopped in, Natalie took a good look at Linn. Her face was devoid of makeup, and her hair needed a good washing. Natalie had the urge to take her home and pamper her all day. But that couldn’t happen today. “I’ll take you to the house, but I have to get back to work because I have a client coming in to see me at ten-thirty.”
“I appreciate this. I’m hoping I can find a couple roommates to share someplace cheap with. I’ll start asking around tomorrow at work.”
“We’ll just take one day at a time. I have an extra bedroom, and you won’t be in the way.”
Linn turned her face to the side window, but Natalie could see her lashes blinking rapidly. She pretended not to notice.
They pulled up Rodeo Drive and curved around and up the butte. She depressed the gas to give it enough juice to make it up the incline. After they pulled into the drive, she helped Linn into the house with her meager belongings.
“Help yourself to the fridge and TV, whatever. You can reach me at the center if you need anything. I’ll be home around six-thirty with the boys. You don’t work tonight?”
“No.”
“Good, it’ll give us a chance to talk.” She hugged Linn, noticing the girl hugged back for the first time. Her lips tilted as her heart warmed. “Everything’s going to be OK.”
Saving Grace Page 17