“Yes, in fact, Tara is meeting me in Dublin first and we’re going to do some sight-seeing on the way to Killarney – that’s where the wedding is. Once we get to Killarney, it’ll be crazy. I’ll be staying with my Aunt Bridy and hanging out with the whole family. I love them all, especially Teagan and her brother Coyle. We used to play as kids, Coyle and me. He can play a mean game of Red Rover,” Mary said laughing, pushing the remains of her salad away and leaning back in her chair.
“You want to hear the really nutty part?” she asked, grinning at Jill. “I’m in the wedding, but I haven’t seen the dress I’m to wear, let alone try it on. I just hope it fits and my girls,” she motioned to her chest, “…don’t pop out!”
They both busted up laughing.
“Mary, you look great in everything, don’t worry,” Jill said. “You could wear a burlap bag and still look great.”
“A burlap bag? That would definitely create a problem with my girls,” Mary said and they erupted into laughter again.
“Well, I’m very glad you’re getting to go,” Jill said. Mary was a labor and delivery nurse at the biggest hospital in town and put in a lot of long hours. “You deserve it – you work so hard and that lame ex-husband never took you anywhere.”
“It’s too bad you can’t come, too,” Mary said off-handedly as she picked up the check the waitress had left on the table.
“God, I wish,” Jill said. “I can’t remember the last time I went on a big trip like that.”
Mary looked up from the check and looked pointedly at Jill. “Speaking of lame husbands.”
Jill returned home that day feeling odd; a sense of melancholy washed over her, but she wasn’t quite sure why. It was like having a dream, then waking up with the feeling of the dream without remember what it was about. It lurked on the edge of her thoughts, pestering her like a forgotten memory.
She checked the phone machine and found a message from Scott. He had invited three of his partners and their wives over for dinner tonight and could she please make sure everything was in order. Of course it was in order. She always made sure these dinners went off without a hitch. She’d gotten smarter over the years and started hiring a caterer to make and bring the food, serving it herself. The other wives always raved about the dinners. Jill didn’t lie about what she’d done if asked, but mostly they all assumed she’d cooked everything. It worked for her.
Scott, on the other hand and as usual, was ever critical and moody about the dinners. Everything had to be perfect. If one of the partners didn’t like a particular food, he required Jill to write it down so that she never served it again. She started keeping a spreadsheet on the computer tracking everyone’s likes and dislikes, allergies, and special dietary needs. It was just easier that way.
Usually she was anxious about the dinners, but not on this day. Everything was in order, the caterer had arrived at the time agreed upon, the cleaning crew had been in while she was at lunch with Mary, and she’d stopped by the florist on the way home for some simple but lovely arrangements of spring flowers to place on the dining table and around the house. The bar was stocked and her nails were done. Perfect. Perfectly boring.
Jill sighed. This was not what she’d thought she’d be doing in her mid-forties. She had thought she’d be acting, creating, directing, writing – anything that would let her be herself and allow her imagination to shine. Right now the extent of her creativity was to choose between crab puffs or cold shrimp for the hors d’oeuvres.
She heard the front door fly open and moments later Scott rushed into the kitchen.
“Is everything ready?” he demanded to know. No hello, no how are you, no kiss on the cheek.
Jill was tempted to ignore the question, but she knew that would just cause him to become more ill tempered. “Yes, it’s ready,” she said, not bothering to look at him. She was preparing wine and lowball glasses.
“Good. I’m going to go change.” He was gone in a flash.
Jill never did look up from what she was doing, but she did continue the conversation with her husband even after he’d left the room.
“Why yes, I had a lovely day,” she said sweetly. “How was your day, honey?”
It had been years since they had spoken to each other like that. Jill really couldn’t remember the last time, actually. Thinking this just made her feel melancholy again. What happened? What changed?
The guests began to arrive before Scott returned from changing, so Jill had to welcome them by herself. It was not a big deal; she knew these people, had known them for years. They were all very nice and led lives quite similar to her and Scott’s, which meant that they were nothing like her at all, unless they too all yearned for something different and that the wives led secret lives.
Jill tried to keep up with the conversation during dinner. Mostly it was talk about court cases they were handling. The other wives seemed to know more about what their husbands did at work than she did about Scott’s work, but at one point the discussion went even beyond their knowledge and then the women began to talk about the things they did to occupy the time left open because their husbands worked so much. They apparently shopped a lot, got their manicures and pedicures, did some charity work, and attended their children’s games, recitals, and plays, for the ones who still had kids in the house. No one mentioned painting lessons or karate or clarinet lessons. Of course, neither did she.
The women debated where the best shopping was in Phoenix and whether it was worth going to Los Angeles to shop. Jill leaned back and looked at them. Susan White was about Jill’s age, but didn’t look it. Jill wondered what her secrets were. She was blond, fit, with a very youthful look, almost tomboyish. Jill bet that she was sleeping with an aerobics instructor and the question was whether the instructor was male or female. Shawna Morris was younger, had very young kids and was very shy, except around these women. Jill figured she probably escaped into romance novels. And then there was Kate Chambers. She came from money even before she’d married Don, so she had that haughty air that people who grew up rich have, yet she was nice. Jill liked her the most, because she saw a kind streak in Kate and she would bet that Kate volunteered somewhere that would shock the others, like a homeless shelter or burn ward at the hospital.
The evening was going well until she served desert. It was a peanut butter mousse with a chocolate crumb crust. She’d picked it because it sounded like something Jill would like rather than something that the guest would like. Selfish maybe, but she didn’t care. That is, until she put it on the table to serve.
“Jill!” Scott snapped at her. “Kevin has a severe peanut allergy! You can’t even have that in the same room as him – get it out of here!”
She was stunned, but immediately apologized to Kevin and took the desert back to the kitchen. Scott followed her in.
“Once again you’ve amazed me with your stupidity! How many times have I told you about his allergy?!” he raged at her.
Honestly, she didn’t remember him telling her ever. It wasn’t on her spreadsheet, but Kevin Morris was fairly new to the firm, so maybe she forgot to put it on there.
He went on yelling at her. “You are so irresponsible! And stupid. You could have killed him!”
“Now, come on, I’m sure he would have known better than to eat it and I’m sure he would have asked what was in it,” she reasoned, but Scott didn’t believe in anyone else’s reasoning, only his own.
“He can’t have it in the same room as him! He could go into shock and stop breathing!!” Scott bellowed at her and she knew the guests in the next room could hear. She was used to Scott humiliating her in front of others, but it didn’t make it any easier. “You are such an idiot.”
Jill wanted to yell back. She wanted to stomp and throw things and storm out of the house. But she didn’t. As cruel as Scott was to her, she couldn’t be cruel back. To make a scene, or more of a scene, in front of his coworkers would hurt him. She couldn’t do it. So she just stood there and took it. She knew
he would eventually cool down and if she didn’t antagonize him, he would cool down faster.
“Everything okay in there?” they heard Kate ask from the other side of the swinging kitchen door. Her voice seemed to snap Scott back from the edge of his rage.
“Yes, yes, we’re fine. Trying to find something else for desert,” Scott answered, as if he thought they hadn’t heard his yelling. “We’ll be out in a moment.”
Then he looked at Jill, suddenly apologetic. “I’m sorry, but can you find something, anything else we can serve?” He turned and left the kitchen, leaving Jill standing there.
Jill looked around, heart beating rapidly, trying to remember if she had anything quick that they could have for desert, when Kate came through the kitchen door.
“You okay?” Kate asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Jill answered, opening cabinet doors as she looked for a desert alternative. She had become a master at not letting Scott’s tirades bother her, or at least make it seem like they didn’t bother her.
Kate looked at her intently. “I don’t think you’re fine.” She stepped up to Jill, touching her on the arm. “You do not have to put up with that. You should not put up with that.”
Jill turned to give her a grateful smile. Kate’s kind expression made Jill want to cry, but she didn’t. “I know.”
“So why do you?”
Jill sighed, returning to her search. “I don’t know, honestly. I guess I feel like I’m being a baby if I complain about it. I mean, look at my life. I have everything – a great house, a nice car, terrific kids, money to spend.”
Kate touched Jill’s arm again.
“Life isn’t about things. Other than your kids, all you mentioned were things. What about you? What makes you happy? What do you want?”
Jill stopped at looked at Kate.
“I don’t want this,” she said, waving her hand around vaguely. “I mean, I love this house and living without worrying about money, but it’s all I have. I don’t have a relationship with Scott anymore, not really. My kids are grown and gone. I’m bored. My brain will turn to mush if this goes on like this forever.”
She abruptly stopped talking, a surprised look on her face.
“I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that to myself… and certainly not to anyone else,” she said, a small smile coming to her lips.
Scott called in from the dining room about the desert.
“Damn,” Jill said, starting to look through the cabinets again.
“Let’s see – do you have any coffee cake or Danish around?” Kate asked, joining Jill in the search.
“No…”
“Cookies?”
“No. Scott banned them because I eat them too fast,” Jill smirked at Kate.
“Ice cream?”
“Ice cream. Wait a minute… I think you’re on to something.” Jill opened the freezer door and whooped a small victory cry.
“I was saving this for his birthday next week,” she said pulling a fancy layered ice cream dessert out of the freezer.
“That will work,” Kate affirmed and together they gathered small plates, forks, a serving utensil, and knife, to take out to the dining room. Before they left the kitchen, Jill stopped and turned to Kate.
“Thank you,” she said simply.
Kate nodded. “Anytime. And think about what I said. You’re better than this.”
Chapter 3
Jill never worried about getting out of the house before Scott in the morning, so he never questioned why she started leaving early each day. She had started walking in the mornings and found it was a great way to clear her head and help her deal with the stress of living with Scott.
It was mid April and while the days were getting warmer, the mornings still had a coolness to them. The skies stretched above her in every direction, a bright light blue often unmarred by clouds. The trees were green and the flowers bloomed parades of color. The nice thing about living in Arizona is that the growing season was fairly long and that only for a few months of a year did the plants and trees take on the gloomy dead look of winter. The rest of the year was glorious, even the hot summer months that she’d grown up in and was used to.
While she walked, she sang quietly, exercising her vocal cords. She had found ways to calm herself after one of Scott’s tirades. Walking and singing was the best method for shedding the skin of ugliness she felt when he came down on her.
Still, Jill couldn’t completely forget his behavior at the dinner for his partners. She thought that maybe Scott would realize that he’d not only embarrassed her, he’d made himself look like a bully and a fool. But it hadn’t changed anything. He still roared insults at her and barely talked to her the past few mornings.
But what else could she do? If she tried to divorce him, he’d destroy her in court and she’d have nothing. She hadn’t had a job in years. How would she support herself? And an even more basic question, where would she go?
So she was set on doing whatever she could to gain the little bits of happiness that her “secret life” provided. Inside she grew and bloomed, while outside she appeared to be the same old Jill.
When she came back from her morning walk, the phone was ringing as she opened the front door. It was probably Scott with a complaint about something she did or something she was supposed to do but hadn’t. She rushed to pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Jilly… Hi, it’s Mary.” Mary’s voice sounded odd to Jill.
“Hi. What’s going on?”
“Well, I did something stupid. I’m at the hospital.”
“What happened?” Jill asked, sitting on a stool at the kitchen bar.
“I was riding my bike this morning, you know, the one Jacob gave me for my birthday.” Her son Jacob thought his mom could use some exercise, so he dropped a bundle on a titanium mountain bike for her. It was way too much bike for her.
Jill waited to hear the rest of the story.
“I was in the park, tooling along just fine, when this evil little rat terrier darted out in front of me. I swerved so I wouldn’t hit the little beast and instead hit a short wrought-iron fence, flew over the handlebars and right into a bird bath. I landed funny on my leg and fractured it in two places.”
“Jeez, Mary! Are you okay? Does it hurt?”
Mary chuckled a little and Jill realized that Mary must have had a healthy dose of painkiller.
“It hurts a little – they gave me something nice in my IV and I’m feeling pretty good right now.” She laughed again. She wasn’t out of it completely, but it was obvious to Jill that Mary was definitely feeling good.
“Where are you? I want to come.”
“I’m at St. Luke’s, but before you come, I need to ask you something.”
“Sure, what is it?”
“My cousin’s wedding is the weekend after next and I was supposed to leave for Ireland on Monday. There’s no way I can go now and I can’t get the money back for the ticket – it’s non-refundable.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Jill said, hearing the disappointment in her friend’s voice.
“It’s just life, I guess. I’ll go some other time. But here’s what I wanted to ask you,” Mary said, pausing a second before saying, “Why don’t you go? Take my ticket. It’s transferable. Go to the wedding. Everything’s paid for.”
Jill was stunned. Wow. Go to Ireland, how great would that be? Then reality hit her. “There is no way Scott will let me go. Not alone, I’m ‘too irresponsible.’” She mimed the quotes with her hands, even though Mary couldn’t see her.
Mary huffed indignantly over the phone line. “Who cares what Scott thinks, do this for you. And for me – at least my money won’t be wasted this way.”
Jill didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t go, she knew that. But, what if… what if she could figure out a way?
Mary interrupted her thoughts. “I have to go – the orthopedic surgeon just showed up to talk about the surgery. I’ll call you back in a little bit. Think ab
out it.”
The phone clicked in Jill’s ear. She put it down, looking at it as if it were the Holy Grail. She stood up and immediately sat back down.
“There is no way I can go to Ireland,” she said out loud. “No way.”
Jill stood again, this time heading upstairs to change out of her shorts and sweaty t-shirt. She wanted to hurry to the hospital to see Mary. While changing, she tried not to think about the trip to Ireland, but it wouldn’t go away.
“Scott would never let me go,” she said to her reflection as she combed out her hair. “Never.”
But there were a lot of things she was doing now that Scott would not approve her doing or at least would degrade their value if he knew. Maybe she did not even love him anymore; she definitely did not like him much now. She was bored, unhappy, and felt ready to break out. If she did go to Ireland, not that she allowed herself to think that she could, but if she did, would her marriage be over? She had avoided that thought for so many years now, that it was scary and a bit thrilling to allow the idea to surface. Yes, there was a good chance it would be over.
But Ireland… she had always wanted to go to Ireland. The lyrics from Gypsy Rover popped into her head. It was about a young woman who had fallen in love with a gypsy and how she had left her father, mother and lover and life of leisure and riches behind to be with the gypsy. She could be that woman; she could leave it all behind to chase after the gypsy.
Jill hopped into her reliable white Honda sedan and sped to the hospital. She found Mary in the emergency room being prepped to head up to surgery. The orthopedic surgeon was by her side, telling her about what he was going to do.
“We’ll get you fixed up and you’ll be out riding your bike again before you know it,” the handsome young surgeon said. He was flirting with Mary, as did most men, married or not, young or old.
“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I get on that bike again,” Mary said. The painkillers were apparently starting to wear off and cheerful Mary was turning a little surly.
The Replacement Bridesmaid Page 2