“Heard from Coyle lately?” she asked nonchalantly, not looking directly at Jill.
Jill sighed. “I think I convinced him to stay away,” she said ruefully. She ducked her head away, not wanting the guys to see the tears welling in her eyes. “I blew it, Collie.”
“Now, I don’t know about that,” Collie said.
“Yeah, I did. I told him I didn’t want him around. I didn’t even tell him I was coming back.” She turned to Collie. “I really screwed it up and I am so confused.”
Kevin showed up behind them, carrying two stools. He didn’t say a word, just put the stools down for the women, then walked away.
Jill and Collie each sat on a stool.
“Do you love him?” Collie asked.
Jill nodded, smiling slightly. “Yes. Yes, I do.”
“It’ll work out,” Collie said. “After this concert, you can go back to Killarney and work things out with him.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know, “ Jill said, shrugging. Maybe Sharon had been right, it was the easy thing to fall into old roles. But it didn’t mean it was inevitable, did it? You can change the roles, can’t you?
Jill nodded now, mostly to herself, making the decision that she was done living safely or easily. No more doing just for others. She was going to give herself the happiness she deserved. This concert was the first step. Finding a way to be with Coyle might be the next, if he would still have her. She wasn’t sure about that; she’d cut him off so completely. She’d hurt him and locked him out of her life and her heart.
Well, that was something she’d have to worry about later. Kevin came back to them now, this time carrying two wireless microphones. Jill looked around and noticed Dooley had his guitar strapped on and Tim had turned on his electronic piano and was already tinkling around on the keys.
“Here you are, lasses,” he said, handing a microphone to each of them. “Let’s have a go at it, huh?”
Chapter 29
After a successful sound check, the band returned across the street to their hotel to have dinner. Sitting in the dining room, eyeing the doorway, Jill half-hoped Coyle would appear there, his longish hair dripping into his lovely grey-green eyes, but he didn’t. She couldn’t blame him, not really. She’d all but told him to get lost. He probably didn’t even know about the phone call from Sharon. Slumping a bit down in her chair, she frowned, feeling tired and jet-lagged.
“Jill, are you listening, lass?” Kevin gently poked her in the arm. She realized that she hadn’t been listening to the others talk at all, just thinking about Coyle and how she’d muddled everything up.
“Oh, uh, no, I guess not,” she said, smiling lamely at him.
“We’re going to keep performing after Collie’s out having her baby and we want you to step in for her,” he said. “You interested?”
Jill sat up straight in her seat and nodded. “What? Well, yes! Of course!”
Collie smiled at her friend. “And when I come back we want you to stay, as a permanent member.”
Jill looked at each of them. “Seriously?”
Dooley snorted loudly. Huge grins spread across Tim and Kevin’s faces. Collie smirked. They all started nodding.
“Yes, seriously,” Kevin said, laughing.
“Oh, you guys!” Jill hugged Collie and grinned at the men. “Really? That would be well, incredible! Unbelievable!”
Tim held up a hand, “Wait, there’s something else.”
Jill looked at all of them as they grinned back at her. “Something else?”
“We want you to do ‘Room to Breathe’ tonight, about three songs in. Are you up to it?” Kevin asked.
Room to Breathe was the song Coyle had written for Jill. She, of course, knew it by heart, even though she hadn’t had many opportunities to practice it with the band.
“Do you all know it?” she asked, looking around in wonder at her band mates.
Tim grinned at her. “We practiced it while you gone, Jill. Do you know it?”
She smiled back at him, and then at all of them. “I do.”
Sitting in their dressing room, waiting for the stage manager to call them to the stage, Jill thought she might throw up. Playing in front of a few hundred in Limerick was one thing; playing in front of thousands at a stadium the size of Croke Park was a completely different thing. Her stomach churned, while her heart periodically skipped a beat. She tried to stay calm, but she was shaking so badly, she had to hold her cup of tea with both hands.
It had been an amazing day getting ready for the concert. She’d dressed in the skin-tight black satin pants and the leather jacket she’d purchased the day she’d gone shopping with Collie and Teagan. A hairdresser and make-up artist took turns on Jill and Collie. When they were ready, they stood side by side in front of the mirror, admiring themselves.
“Be-yoo,” Dooley said, as he appeared behind them, give their reflections a look of appreciation. “You both look grand.” He leaned over, sticking his head between theirs, kissing first Jill on her cheek, then turning his head and kissing Collie on hers. Then he was gone, leaving the women laughing.
They had an opening band, an American band, oddly enough, that Jill had never heard of before. What she did hear, at least now, was the noise of the crowd lifting and falling, cheering and clapping, even way back in the bowels of the stadium. She remembered taking her two kids to see U2 in Sun Devil Stadium in at Arizona State University back in the 80s. Bo Didley had opened the show, riling the cheering fans into a frenzy. Between Bo and U2, the sound technicians had played Beatles songs, and everyone in the stadium, 50,000 plus, sang along. When U2 came on and Bono stood only about twenty feet from their fourth row seats, it had almost seemed like a religious experience to Jill.
It amazed her to think that she might have that affect on those people waiting out there. She shook her head and laughed. It was astonishing.
Jill looked at her band mates. The ebullience they’d shown earlier was now gone. The men all displayed some sort of nervousness. Kevin paced around with unspent energy, Tim had earphones stuck in his ears and was blocking out everyone and everything. Dooley was playing a game on his Nintendo DS game. They were each totally zoned into themselves. Collie, on the other hand, was sitting with her feet propped up, jabbering away on her cell phone, while she popped grapes into her mouth. Jill laughed. Performing before thousands was nothing compared to impending motherhood for Collie.
Finally, the stage manager appeared at their door.
“You’re on in five.” The woman disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
Each band member quickly emerged from his or her individual worlds. Collie said a quick goodbye and snapped her cell phone shut. Kevin stopped pacing; Dooley turned off his game. Only Tim continued to sit with his earphones stuck in his ears and his eyes closed. Collie gently nudged him and his eyes shot open.
“It’s time,” she said, pointing at the clock on the wall. Tim pulled the earphones out and stood up to join the rest of them.
Kevin had a ritual that he insisted on prior to going on stage. They all had to stand together, shoulder to shoulder while he said a short Irish prayer. It was partly a joke, partly a superstition.
“May those who love us, love us. And those who don’t may God turn their hearts. And if He doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.”
“Break a leg,” Jill added and everyone cracked up. She suddenly felt a bit better.
The stage manager was at the door again. “Okay, you’re up!” she said, waving them out the door.
The band followed her down the narrow corridor and out onto the side of the stage. Jill’s heart thumped furiously as she squeezed Collie’s hand hard. And there it was...
“Welcome to the stage... Rogue Irish!” the faceless voice bellowed.
Jill felt herself being pulled along as they ran out onto the stage. Somehow, she ended up in the middle of the stage, Collie next to her, standing by her microphone. Collie
glanced over and gave Jill a wink. Jill approached her microphone, looking out but not seeing any of the thousands of faces that were standing on the field. The music started up and as before, as soon as they got thirty seconds into their first song, Jill fell into a calm reverie, the nerves and anxiety gone, and only the music existed.
Rogue Irish performed the second song and when it ended, the crowd went wild. Even as they clapped and screamed, Kevin gave a nod to Jill. She sat on the stool that a stagehand produced for her. The lights dimmed until the only light on stage shone on Jill. The band started playing ‘Room to Breathe.’ Now her heart thumped again, slower this time, the song reminding her that she had some unfinished business with Coyle. As her eyes adjusted to the spotlight, she began to see some faces in the first few rows. It was ridiculous, but she found herself searching the faces for him. Not seeing him, she glanced from side to side, checking the wings of the stage to see if by some miracle he’d be standing there. No Coyle. Well, later, she thought. Definitely later.
This was the first time Rogue Irish had performed the ‘Room to Breathe’ in public. The crowd, not recognizing the ballad, sat down in their seats. It was one of the few songs that Collie didn’t also sing, so Jill felt the eyes of the audience upon her and only her. It didn’t matter; the song was hers and she sang it as if it were hers. Her voice came from her soul, all the emotion and change she’d experienced over the past few months welling up and expressing itself through her song.
When she was done, the crowd was quiet. She sat motionless on the stool, looking out into the lights shining into her eyes above the stage.
They didn’t like it, she thought and slowly lowered her head, her chin almost touching her chest, her eyes closed.
The clapping began, sparsely at first, then began growing into cheering and whistling and as Jill raised her eyes back up, she saw the audience was standing again, clapping wildly with smiles on their faces. Jill returned their smiles, then looked around as Collie came up from behind to put an arm around her.
“They love you,” she said, just loud enough for Jill to hear. “They really do.”
The rest of the concert blazed by in a blur for Jill. Just as before, it was the most joyful and freeing experience she could remember in her entire life. By the end of the concert, her thoughts of Coyle had receded, not disappearing totally, but falling back far enough that Jill was barely consciously of thinking of him. For the first time in her adult life, she was happy with herself as in individual. If Coyle didn’t love her or didn’t want her, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, because she now knew she would always have herself, always have this.
The concert ended at nearly eleven at night. They still had four dates on the current tour, but they all felt like celebrating anyway. With partying on their minds, they headed back across the street to the hotel, with the plan to return to their rooms to clean up, then meet back downstairs to walk down the road to a pub that was owned by a friend of Kevin’s.
Jill took a short shower and pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt and sweater. She put a bit of makeup back on, grabbed a jacket to ward off the chilly night air and headed off to the elevator. Collie popped out of her hotel room just as Jill passed it, so they waited at the elevator together, rehashing the night as they stepped through the elevator doors.
“And you think you can make it?” Jill asked. “The rest of the tour, I mean.”
“I hope so. I don’t know, tonight sort of took it out of me. My feet are killing me and my back… ohhh,” Collie said, rolling her eyes heavenward.
The elevator doors slid open and sitting on the padded bench directly across from the elevator was Coyle. He stood as soon as he saw her, but didn’t his feet didn’t move.
“Jill,” he said, and then dragging his eyes away from Jill, he gave his attention to Collie. “Hello, Collie.”
“Coyle, how are you?” Collie said, apparently not surprised to find him sitting there. She sidled up to him and gave him a hug, pressing her big belly up against him and kissing his cheek. Then she turned back to Jill.
“We’ll be down the street at O’Malley’s. Just turn right out the front door. It’s about two streets down.” She winked at Jill and disappeared around the corner into the hotel lobby.
Jill stepped out of the elevator and stood there looking at Coyle. Words failed to come to her; she was so surprised at his appearance. He, in turn, had not moved either. They stood there looking at each other for a few seconds, neither one speaking. Finally, Coyle sighed and sat back down on the bench. He rested his elbows on his knees and looked down at his clasped hands.
Jill still didn’t say anything. She walked over to the bench and sat next to him. For another minute or so they sat quietly.
“You left without saying goodbye,” Coyle said, his voice soft and tentative.
“I know. I’m sorry,” Jill said. “I – I saw you with Sharon and, well, I jumped to conclusions, and then the tour was starting and it just seemed easier that way.”
He nodded, still not looking at her.
“Sharon called me when I was in Arizona,” Jill said. She had started to say, “at home” but it wasn’t true anymore.
Coyle looked at her now. “She did?”
Jill nodded. “She wasn’t exactly pleasant, wanted to make sure she got what was ‘due her,’ I think was how she put it.” She mimed the quotes when she said “due her.”
Coyle grimaced. “Sounds like Sharon.”
“She also told me that you were over her and that you are in love with me.”
His head reared back a bit. “She did?” he asked again.
Jill laughed at his reaction and turned on the bench to face him better.
“Coyle, I am so sorry. It was just easier for me to believe that I was better off without you. I spent so many years with Scott feeling like nothing, like what I wanted didn’t matter. I never want to feel that way again.”
He turned to her and touched his knee to hers.
“Jill, my Jill,” Coyle said, his grey eyes searching hers. “You are the love of my life, you are the woman I never thought I’d find. Sharon was a childhood love and I outgrew that long ago. You,” he emphasized, taking her hands in his, “are my true love, my grow-old-together love.”
Jill felt herself begin to smile. The smile started small as Coyle watched for her reaction, then grew and grew, until it was a full-fledged grin. He looked at her, his eyebrows raising in wonder, looking like he was not sure what she was thinking, but he too began to smile.
“Oh, Coyle, I could think of nothing I’d rather do than to grow old with you,” she said and leaned in to place a gentle and sweet kiss on his lips. Then she pulled back and added, “and sing, of course.”
Coyle laughed and gathered her in his arms.
“Of course,” he said, giving her a proper kiss in return. They sat on the bench, holding each other tightly and laughing happily for a minute.
Jill stood up and took Coyle’s hand, tugging him up.
“Come on,” she said. “Let me buy you a pint.”
“The first of many,” he said laughing, and hand in hand, they wandered out the hotel door to find O’Malley’s Pub.
Laurie Ralston lives with her husband, a couple of boys and a dog named Holly in Queen Creek, Arizona. Besides writing, she spends her time reading, snapping photos, traveling and teaching technology and creative thinking at Arizona State University.
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