by Lucy Smoke
"All of them?" Lizzie asked. I nodded. "Oh my God." She stared at me in shock before leaning even further over the table. "And then what?" she pressed. "Do they know?"
"Yeah," I said. "They know. They aren't mad about me kissing them, but it's only a matter of time now."
"A matter of time before what?"
"Before they expect me to choose between them," I answered, lowering my head in shame. The thing was, the more I thought about it, the more it stressed me out. I knew I wouldn't be able to choose. No matter how much time they gave me—all the time in the world couldn’t force me to make this decision. How had this even happened to me? I wondered. How did I manage to put myself into such a predicament?
"Wow, girl. That's some real-world TV drama right there." Yeah, except my life wasn't a television show. With television shows, there were always background players, writers, directors, producers—someone who knew what was going to eventually end up happening. There was an end goal. And while there was an end goal here, I wasn't being let in on the final script. I folded my arms on the table and laid my head down, feeling exhausted by not just the conversation, but by the events of the night before and my lack of sleep.
"I just don't know what to do," I admitted. "I don't want anyone to get hurt."
"Oh, babe, someone is probably going to end up getting hurt either way," Lizzie said.
I tipped my face up to meet her sympathetic gaze. "I care about them," I admitted. "I really do, but this..." Words failed me.
"What if you just didn't give them an answer?" she asked. "It's called ghosting or something. Maybe you just back away and they'll eventually move on."
I shake my head. "I can't do that," I said. "That's not fair to them." Plus, we lived together—well, most of us did. Grayson was living with the guys right now, but that wasn't a permanent situation. As far as I knew, he had a house back in Charleston. Besides, despite whatever ideas Lizzie had in her head, Grayson was just a pest. An annoyingly good-looking, somewhat damaged pest whose blue eyes made me think of the swimming pools and the summer sky all wrapped up in one. I groaned into my arms.
"Then what are you gonna do?" Wasn't that the question of the freaking century? When I chose to remain quiet, Lizzie sighed heavily and dropped her arms down on the table next to mine. She turned her face so that our eyes met.
"I'm sorry, Harlow." I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything. Even though she had previously admitted to at least some jealousy, she sounded sincere in her apology. Still, it didn't make me feel better. It only made me feel worse. "There's more, isn't there?" she asked a moment later.
Bellamy, my traitorous mind reminded me. I nodded against the cold, hard surface of the tabletop. "I haven't had sex, but there was a situation a few weeks ago...I did something with one of them," I whispered the words quietly despite the fact that we had double checked that there was no one else around before we took this booth. It felt like I was spilling my soul for this girl and I had hardly known her that long. But maybe it was easier to tell virtual strangers my secrets than it was to tell my family or my best friend or the guys—not that I had really had the opportunity to tell anyone so far.
"What happened?" Her words were just as soft.
I thought back. The way Bellamy's hands had pressed down on my thighs. The way his breath had fanned over the place between my legs. A shiver cascaded up my spine. "It wasn't sex, but he..." Unable to stand her curious stare, I closed my eyes as I spoke the words. "One of them—he put his mouth on me..." I could feel the flames of hell burning across my cheeks and down my neck. "You know, like down...um...down there." When I finally opened my eyes, I could tell there was something warring in Lizzie's expression.
"Oh, Harlow," she said, "you're in deep, girl."
She was right. I had leaped off the edge and dived straight into the deep end, and now I was sinking under the weight of my decisions. My chest felt heavy. My mind was a riot of emotions and thoughts and memories and "what ifs."
"It was before I knew about the guys—I mean, apparently they knew they were all interested in me and they knew that I had kissed them."
"But they didn't tell you?" Somehow, her tone was both irritated and impressed. I re-opened my eyes and nodded. "Assholes," she muttered, then she grinned at me. "So, he went down on you. How'd it feel?"
If it was possible, my blush burned hotter. I shrugged as best I could and sat up, leaning away from the table. "It was nice," I said.
It had been more than nice. It had been like hundreds of fireworks going off at once in my head and it had been hot and dangerous and I wanted to know what else Bellamy could do. God help me, I was curious for more. I craved more. And not just him. I wanted to know what Knix's lips would feel like down there. I wanted to know what Marv would do with me pinned under him or what Texas would sound like if I did what Bellamy did for me, for him. And Grayson...of all the things I shouldn’t be curious about, he was at the top of my list. Did that stop me from craving? Not one bit.
Lizzie leaned back and arched one brow at me, shaking her head as if she could hear all of my thoughts. "I'm sure it was more than nice," she prompted. When all I did was give her yet another shrug, she rolled her eyes. "Still, it'd be nice if you didn't have to choose, huh?"
"Yeah," I mumbled, sliding my gaze to the side. "That would probably solve all my little problems."
A soft cough interrupted whatever Lizzie would have said next and with dawning horror, both of our gazes moved to the aisle as we leaned out of the booth and Marv stood there, looking decidedly uncomfortable. I slid quickly out of the booth, eyes wide. "What are you doing here?" My voice was almost shrill, and I had to work to clear my throat before I could speak again as he answered.
"I tried calling your phone, but you didn't answer," he said by way of explanation.
I vaguely recalled my phone pinging when we got here, but I hadn't checked. Lizzie slid out behind me. She glanced between the two of us before shaking her head at me sadly and pointing towards the end of the hall.
"I'm just gonna...head to my next class," she said weakly in the awkward silence that followed. My eyes stayed on Marv even as she retrieved her bag and headed out. Just as she passed by me, Lizzie caught my hand and looked at me. "If you need anyone to talk to just let me know," she whispered low enough that I knew she didn't want Marv to hear, but when Marv's brows drew down, I knew he had. I nodded at her anyway, grateful for the offer—whether it would be needed or not.
Once she was gone, it was as if a spell had been broken. "So, you and Bell..." he trailed off, choking off the words. The hurt in his voice punched me in the stomach. He had heard what I told Lizzie. He knew how far I had gone before.
I gulped and said the only thing that came to mind. "I thought you guys told each other everything?" It was more a question than a statement. That had been what they told me when I found out they knew I had kissed all of them.
He shook his head, the soft strands of sandy colored hair sliding over his brow. It was getting longer. "He never mentioned that you had—" he cut himself off once more, waving his hand in frustration, "that anything had happened."
"We didn't plan on anything happening," I defended weakly.
Marv pinned me with a look that was both parts longing and hurt. "I know," he said. "I trust that you wouldn't...or that you would've told us about...that." He was struggling. Guilt sank into the pit of my stomach.
"How did you know where to look for me?" I asked as my fingers gripped the hem of my shirt and twisted.
"Your phone," he said. "All our phones are tapped with a GPS just in case—I thought you knew that?" Did I? Maybe. I couldn't think right now. All I could focus on was the pain in his eyes and how when he looked at me I felt lower than low. I bit my lip, sucking in a breath of air before I finally decided to break the distance between us. I was almost scared to do it—terrified that if I took a step forward, Marv would back away. I didn't want to see him reject me. My eyes burned with fear, but when I took a s
tep forward, he stood perfectly still. I raised my hands, only then seeing how hard they were shaking. He noticed too.
"Sunshine," Marv whispered. He let me reach for him and when I came near, he reached back, taking me into his arms.
I sobbed into his chest. "Don't hate me," I pleaded, my throat tight even as my eyes burned and my mind rolled.
It was a long moment before he managed to say anything. "I don't hate you," he said gruffly. "I'm just...surprised."
I needed to be honest with him. In fact, I probably needed to be honest with all of them. I thought that—well, I didn't know what I had been thinking. But this, I needed him to know this. "I care about you." My voice was barely above a whisper as I shook my head against the fabric of his shirt. "But I'm not sorry. I care about Bellamy, too."
Marv stiffened, but thankfully, he didn't pull away. "And Knix and Texas?" he asked.
I nodded, my cheek brushing the muscles of his chest. "Yeah,” I said. “I care about them too.”
Marv leaned his head back on a rough laugh that sounded more tired than amused. "I didn't come looking for you for this," he said.
Wiping my eyes, I moved back. "Was it about the case?" I sniffed and wiped my nose with my sleeve.
His dark, stormy gaze watched me as he nodded. "Knix and Bellamy went in for their first shift today. Caruso and Tex are off looking for Caruso Number Two. I thought you and I could start looking for Erika."
"How are we going to do that?" I asked. "We've already talked to her parents. They think she's still here. Her advisor thinks she's taking a break."
"You know her best," he replied.
Scrubbing a hand down my face and then back up, I grabbed a lock of my hair and yanked in frustration. "I thought I did," I said. "I thought I knew Erika better than anyone, but now I'm not so sure. The Erika I knew wouldn't have stolen money or hidden the fact that she was helping her boyfriend pay off drug debts. I feel like I'm way out of my depth here."
"You're tired," he said.
Blowing out a breath, I let my shoulders slump as I peered up at him through the strands of my hair. "What gave you that idea?" I joked.
"You have bags under your eyes," he answered. Marv held out a hand to me. "We don't have to think about anything right now. Let's just go back to the house and we can just get some sleep."
I started shaking my head before he was even finished speaking. "There's too much to do," I said. "I should be working like everyone else."
"You can't do anything for anyone if you're exhausted," Marv argued. "I'm tired too. I couldn't sleep worth shit last night and to be honest, Sunshine, I've missed sleeping next to you." I was less shocked by the fact that Marv cursed and more shocked by the admission. Even after what he had learned about what happened between Bellamy and me, he was still...interested?
"You have?" Was my mind playing tricks on me?
He nodded, keeping his palm out for me, waiting. "Please?" He said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear him. But the way he said it got to me.
I closed my eyes. I couldn't say no to him when he asked like that. I found myself lifting my own hand and letting it fall in his. Truth was, I had missed sleeping next to him too, and I was so weary inside that if he had asked me with that pleading voice of his, I would have crawled into the booth at my back as long as he promised to curl around me. I missed waking up to the heat of his skin against my cheek and his breath on my neck.
"Come on, then," he said, holding my hand as we retrieved my stuff from the booth. "Let's go take a nap so we can find Erika when we wake up."
That sounded good to me.
Chapter 10
Waking up in Marv's arms was probably one of the best ways to wake up. In a way, it was like I was still dreaming. Marv was naked from the waist up, having discarded his shirt when we crawled into bed after returning from the student union center. His arms were coiled tightly around me, and I couldn't have felt safer if I tried. Quietly and as gently as I could—so as to not to wake him up—I moved forward and pressed my nose into the column of his throat. He smelled like he always did, like his favorite dark roast coffee. I wasn't sure about the taste of the stuff, but it smelled divine, especially on him.
"Are you sniffing me?" I froze, caught in the act. "Um...no?" I tried.
Marv chuckled low and it started a fluttery feeling in my stomach spreading out through my limbs. "It's okay," he said, leaning his head back to look down at my face. "As long as I smell good."
I nodded quickly. "You do," I promised.
Marv's eyes dropped down to my lips. My mouth went dry as my eyes returned the favor. His lips were barely a few inches from my face. I had already felt them against me. His kiss was like a sweet embrace the first time and a bolt of lightning the second. Without thinking about it—or maybe that's just how these things worked—my tongue came out to wet my bottom lip. Marv's gaze followed the movement, his pupils dilating.
"Harlow..."
I couldn't say who moved first, him or me. Maybe we both moved for each other at the same time. But as my name disappeared on a whisper in the quiet of his temporary bedroom, our mouths touched, and my lips parted. I gasped as the earlier fluttering feeling sprung back to life, not in my stomach this time, but all over and all at the same time. I closed my eyes and relished in the feel of Marv's lips on mine. He claimed me with a sweet reverence and yet, there was something new there. A desperation.
When I moved back to take a breath, he followed, keeping my lips trapped with his. His hand cupped the back of my skull, long fingers sliding between the strands of my hair as he crushed his mouth to mine. His chest pressed down against mine. My legs scissored on the mattress, trapped by both him and the sheets. I couldn't breathe, but a part of me didn't want to. I reached up as well, running my fingers along Marv's jaw, feeling the short, coarse stubble embedded in the skin there. I didn't even notice when Marv's other hand moved down until I felt his fingers on my stomach, just beneath the fabric of my t-shirt. I pulled my mouth away and opened my eyes.
Marv stared down at me, not moving. He didn't press any further, but neither did he pull away. After what felt like an eternity of waiting in silence, it was broken. "Can I?" As he spoke, his fingers moved slightly, stroking back and forth across my flesh. I fought the urge to arch up into his touch.
I didn’t know what to say. Yes or no. It was that simple and that hard. I wanted it, but would it complicate things further? That was almost a given.
A loud crash sounding from the front of the house saved me from having to answer. Both of our heads jerked up as an unfamiliar voice cursed and railed. Marv dove off the bed and snagged a shirt, quickly tugging it over his head. I glanced at the clock on his bedside table and noted that we had only been asleep for a little under two hours.
“God damn it!” the voice yelled. “Enough with the handcuffs! I’m not gonna run away!”
When Marv opened the door and stepped out into the hall, I followed, listening as Grayson’s voice came from somewhere in the living room. “Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it.” He did not sound happy and that second voice was starting to sound just a bit more familiar.
Marv and I rounded the hallway corner and I realized why. Sitting in the middle of the destroyed coffee table was Grayson’s older brother—Joshua Caruso. He looked much different than the last time I had seen him. His hair was longer, and it looked like it hadn’t been washed in days. Joshua Caruso looked like someone had put him through hell. There were dark crescents under his eyes and though he still had some muscle mass, he had also obviously lost weight.
A moment later Texas came through from the kitchen, carrying a glass of water and a package of bandages. He paused and looked down at the mess on the floor before shooting Grayson an irritated look. "We have to pay for that," he said, nodding to the now destroyed piece of furniture. I winced.
"I'll fucking pay for it." Even though Grayson spoke to Texas, he kept his gaze fully trained on his brother and it was none too kind.
&
nbsp; "Where did you find him?" Marv asked.
"Roach motel off of Interstate 77," Texas answered as he stepped gently through the bits of glass and broken pieces of wood that surrounded the area. He set the glass of water on one of the side tables next to the couch.
Grayson jerked his brother up and—uncaring of any possible glass shards that may have embedded themselves in the couch—shoved him onto the nearest cushion.
"What were you doing at a motel, Caruso Number Two?" Marv asked darkly, moving forward. Grayson shot Marv an irritated glance and rolled his eyes before continuing to glare at his brother.
"Was Erika there?" I asked. Texas shot me a look and gently shook his head. My shoulders sagged.
"Just him," Grayson confirmed, landing a hand solidly on his brother's shoulders and clenching down hard. "But don't worry, he'll tell us where she is, won't you, brother?" Grayson hissed the last word as though it both angered and pained him to say it.
"Fuck, man! Let up!" Josh hissed.
I looked from the bandages in Texas' arms to the coffee table before tilting my head curiously. "Texas," I said quietly. He looked up, meeting my gaze. "Why were you getting bandages before Josh got hurt?"
Texas' brow furrowed for a moment before they quickly rose. "Oh! Josh is already—" he paused, looking over and I noticed that Josh's previously pallid skin had taken on a flush and sweat dotted his brow. "Actually," Texas said, shoving the bandages into my arms. "You can handle it. I'll clean up the mess."
"Handle what?" I asked, but Texas was already getting up and going into the kitchen. I turned to Grayson. "Handle what?" I repeated sternly. "Is Josh hurt?"
"Fuck yes, I'm hurt!" Josh snapped. Grayson clenched down on his shoulder again causing him to cry out in pain.
"Don't fucking talk to her like that," he sneered.
"Grayson." I stood there, shocked by how venomous his words were. Shaking my head, I pushed my way between him and Marv as they stood over Josh. "Back off, let me see him."