“Yeah, I live there again, inside the borough line. I guess I never really left.”
“It’s early. You didn’t need to come all this way. I got your texts. Figured you’d understand.”
“I understood.” Loud and clear. She didn’t want to talk, was content to never see me again. But … “But I did need to come. First, to apologize in person for what happened—”
She held up a hand. “Don’t, all right? I never wanted to be an ‘other girl,’ if even for a single kiss. So whatever way you try to spin it, it’s not going to help.”
“I didn’t come here to make excuses,” I said in an irritated huff. “That’s never been me. And can you honestly stand there as if you didn’t kiss your boyfriend goodbye in front of me? Did you tell him about what happened?”
She smirked and twisted the stem between her thin fingers, spinning the droopy daisy head around and around. “Brent? No, I didn’t tell him because he’s not my boyfriend. He’s a coworker. And, not that it’s really any of your business, we have an understanding.”
Well, that derailed my thoughts. Whoa. I almost said it out loud. Celia having an open relationship or a friends-with-benes? You’d think I might be happy at that, but it only strengthened my irritation, especially toward Brent. I had some serious doubts that she came up with the idea. And who in their right mind would ever want to share her?
“So, you see … different.” She dropped the daisy onto the counter.
“You’re right. Definitely different,” I admitted. “I know grief and whiskey aren’t an excuse. I am truly sorry.”
“I forgive you.” She tapped her fingertips to the counter then finally lifted those fucking eyes of hers to meet mine again. Dammit. One look from her always had the power to jack me up inside. “Thanks for coming to clear things up.”
Even though she was dismissing me and the logical thing to do was to leave her alone, let her go on with her splendid life and open relationship with Brent, I still couldn’t leave. Mer had made sure of that.
“There’s another reason I needed to come in person.” I lifted the notebook from my back pocket and dropped it over the breakfast bar onto the counter in front of her. As it slowly unfolded, exposing the cover, I watched her expression soften, the tenseness disappearing.
“She had a last request,” I whispered when she didn’t speak or move at all. “For both of us.”
5
______________
Celia
-now-
Senior year bucket list. The title was a time-travel beacon, calling me to slide even further back into the past.
“Mer had some requests in her will. One was that you and I do this again,” Caleb said.
“Her will?” I reached out, pinched the split, curled edge, and peeled the notebook open, expecting to be hit with a new wave of sadness as the memories poured out. Instead, I felt a comfortable warmth as if I were being hugged by an old friend.
“Yeah.” His voice seemed deeper with its softness. Or maybe emotion was the real cause. “There are some things she wanted you to have. I brought a couple. The rest is still at the house. I’ll bring them to you whether or not you decide to do this.”
I couldn’t lift my eyes to him again. Not yet. It’d been hard enough to focus since he’d shown up, and it had taken every bit of strength I had in my hungover state to meet his eyes when I thought he was leaving. Thankfully, the headache I had was dulling most other feeling.
“What twenty-three-year-old has—” I whispered but stopped. Of course she had a will. Most of her adventures had some level of danger. It made sense that she’d been prepared.
Caleb cleared his throat. “Yeah. It doesn’t seem real, even now.”
Closing my eyes tight, all the words from the list seemed to blaze into the backs of my eyelids. Finally, I opened them and looked right at him, no longer able to avoid that deeper connection by walking away or staring at the notebook. And, yep, his eyes were as somber as they had been at Merilyn’s wake—and as easy to fall into as ever. But the sadness and exhaustion in them made me want to cry. The hair along his jaw and chin had noticeably thickened through the week, and his naturally golden skin looked pale. “What exactly did she want us to do?”
“She said that it was the best time of her life. She was happy with all the experiences she had in her career, but we weren’t with her. She mentioned plans to spend more time …” He cleared his throat again. “Anyway, in the event of her death, she wanted us to relive it with her.”
“With her? Her ashes?”
“Yes.”
“And your parents are okay with that?”
“They understand her wishes. She wasn’t meant to be trapped in an urn.”
“Yeah,” I whispered, rubbing my fingers over the page, feeling the scratches and divots made from our pen tips.
“I didn’t bring the letter. I can the next time, with the other stuff.”
“What does she want us to do? All of it, all over again?” I tried not to think about the things I’d chickened out of, and the others that might be too upsetting to relive, especially knowing Caleb would be with me to experience it again. He hadn’t been the cheerleader Mer had been. In fact, he had fun playing interference a majority of the time, getting in my head or under my skin. And that was painfully true with one thing I hadn’t crossed off during senior year—The big V loss. “Some things can’t be recreated.”
Caleb leaned his forearms onto the breakfast bar and pinched his bottom lip between his teeth thoughtfully. “She mentioned visiting the places of the tasks we’d completed but was specific in wanting you to finish the tasks you weren’t able to before.”
“Why?” I whispered. “Why would she want that?”
“I’ve been trying to understand it myself.” He tipped his face down and shook his head. “Maybe this is her way of saying goodbye. Maybe it’s about reconnecting even though she’s gone. She always encouraged you, and I … I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. For lots of things. So I understand why you might pass on this. If you decide to, though, we can plan the tasks efficiently, get it all done as quickly as possible so life can get back to normal for you.” He glanced around, his eyes taking in my stuff, sizing up my place, gauging my life.
It was an odd feeling, watching him examine my space. I didn’t care much what others thought of me anymore. My life was my life, and someone else’s opinion of the way I chose to live didn’t matter. But it wasn’t quite the same with Caleb. He knew me, knew me. He understood a lot of things about me. He could push my buttons like no one else, yet he had the ability to calm me, mostly when the mess I faced was one he didn’t create.
I realized then how difficult honoring Merilyn’s wishes would be. It wasn’t only about breaking my normal, content routine. There was a chance I’d be left hanging once again. That kind of pain was something I didn’t want to relive.
“I agree getting it done efficiently would be for the best,” I said. “Most of what we did is closer to Ellville. If I do this, I’ll have to drive a lot.”
“I’d be okay with picking you up or meeting halfway if it makes it easier.”
“No, that would only waste time and add much more unnecessary travel for you. And, as much as I loved Mer and want to honor her memory too, I can’t miss work for this. After an extended family trip, a sick winter season …” And the two days I’d taken this week … “I’ve already used my allotted time off.” Jerky Jerry never bent, and I wasn’t exactly indispensable. With Pearson Insurance regularly hiring students for my same position in different divisions, my job would be filled immediately.
“You wouldn’t have to miss it. I know the skip day is on the list, but that was something we all did. We’d only have to visit where we went …” his words trailed off, recalling the memories.
I nodded, considering it all. Was I honestly going to do this? How could I not? She was my best friend, better than any other I’d known.
“There’s one more thing you shou
ld know. I’m—we’re going to record it.”
“What?” What? My voice echoed inside my head.
“I know it’s a lot to think about. But her followers were close with her. Dedicated. Someone even put up a video from the wake.”
“Heard about that. Didn’t watch.” I looked down at the notebook again.
“She partnered with a production company for her channel. They handled most of the work—filming, editing, location setups. I’ve met the two owners, Jay and Sam. They were able to get that video removed from the other channel, but her followers watched it before it was taken down because they needed to see something. Doing this will give them closure.”
“I … I don’t know.” The tasks would prove hard enough. Filming for others to watch? That only added more combustibles to the inevitable train wreck.
“Hey,” Caleb said, snapping my attention back to him. “You can be behind the camera most of the time if it makes you more comfortable. And if you need a few days to think it over”—he pushed away from the breakfast bar—“that’s okay too.”
Shit. “Will anyone else be with us?”
“They might want to go to the locations for additional footage of the area after, but we’ll film the majority ourselves and turn it over when we finish. I’m sure if we wanted to be more involved with editing, during and after, they’d be okay with it. That way nothing’s posted without our approval.”
I chewed my bottom lip and ran my finger over the page, tracing all the scattered check marks. Black checks, Merilyn—she’d done them all. Blue checks, me—I hadn’t done nearly as many. And finally red checks, Caleb—he’d done several even though he technically wasn’t a senior. I didn’t bother turning to the other pages. They held dates and times, people and places. Notes. I wouldn’t need them to remember, though. The memories were all fresh enough to evoke every emotion, every song, every smell …
“I understand it’s a lot to decide right now. I can leave,” Caleb said, taking a step back and rubbing the back of his head as he looked around my place again. “You can call—”
“No,” I stated firmly, closing the notebook’s cover. It would be best to get it done as soon as possible. “I’ll do it. For her, I’ll do it. And I’m free today and tomorrow if you are. So where should we start?”
6
______________
Celia
-then-
Breathe. Just breathe. There was no reason to panic. Not at all. I tried to clear my mind, ignore the creak the loose floorboards made with each tip-toe step of my Chucks, and of course forget the rumors about the widow who had hung herself years before. Supposedly, it had been inside one of the bedrooms upstairs, though. Not the living room, where I was currently hyperventilating as quietly and as shallowly as possible so the dust wouldn’t send me into a sneezing fit and wake every ghost in the place. Walk in the park. No biggie. At least there were small bits of moonlight trickling in the creepy space by way of cracks between boarded windows, giving my eyes something to focus on.
“RAWR!”
“AHHH!” Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. My entire body spasmed then my legs seized up like a fainting goat, dropping me to the rickety floor in a frightened heap instead of doing their damn jobs and running my ass to safety. Fight or flight time and they decided I deserved the death of a horror flick chick. Bitches be trippin’. That was me. Officially a bitch.
Raucous laughter filled the hollow space, amplified by echoes. “Tarsier!” The nickname was barely distinguishable inside the fit of unrestrained laughter. “I really thought those big eyes of yours could see in the dark.”
“Not funny, Caleb!” Stupid old abandoned house. Stupid bucket list. Stupid dare. Breathe in. Breathe out.
“You okay?” he asked through his dying amusement. I could hear how wide his smile was even over his creaking footsteps and the distant laughs from the so-called friends waiting outside the house.
I rolled my eyes to the darkness. “Dead to me,” I muttered then yelled it out louder, “You’re all dead to me!”
His breathy chuckle followed, and I listened closely as he continued his approach.
“Where are you?” he asked. “I had to hand over my phone too.”
I held my breath, got into a crouch, and waited.
“Celia. I can help you out if you tell me where you are. Are you hurt?” His voice had quieted.
Creak. Another step closer.
“RAHH!” I sprang up from my position, my body slamming right into his.
“Ahhh! Fuck!” Caleb yelled as his arms wrapped around me, attempting to secure his balance. Instead, he managed to pull me off mine.
“Oh!” Unable to hold us both, I went horizontal for the second time inside of two minutes.
“Oomph! Ow,” Caleb said, releasing a long groan after we crashed to the floor.
I started to giggle. “That’s what you get. And thanks so much for taking me with you.”
“At least I broke the fall,” he uttered after a wheezy recovery breath.
A second later, his chest expanded fully beneath me, and I was suddenly aware that I was still lying on top of him.
He hadn’t moved an inch. His hands still clutched my back, holding me securely to him.
Heat flashed through my body. No, no, no. This was not happening. Caleb? Mer’s little brother? Master tormentor? I’d caught his eyes on me more and more lately—carpooling to school, over at their house, out with friends. And that was when he wasn’t busy with an influx of interested girls, having gotten even more popular than ever after landing a spot on the varsity football team during the summer. It was hard not to notice the cheerleaders hovering around him—to include Marie and Elise, also seniors and our closest friends—all dropping by Mer’s house more often than usual. And it was apparent that Caleb’s ego had been inflated because of it too.
Not that I cared. He was Caleb, for crying out loud. The person I was into, who had no idea yet, was hanging with Mer and the others outside. Dean Paxon, fellow senior, basketball player, and who worked at The Shack with us. Mer had invited him and a few others to join in this bucket list task.
We’d already checked a couple things off the list, most involving school—attend a football game, take the SATs, college aps. The start of the school year had been busy with all of that, and with both of us landing jobs and her sharing her car with Caleb, it had been difficult to find the time to explore the rest of the list.
Until tonight.
Visit an abandoned place. Check. Unfortunately, that included getting the shit scared out of me and evidently falling on Caleb.
It was dark, but because we were so close, the dim moonlight peeking through the cracks in the boarded windows allowed me to see the contours of his face. His eyes were closed, and he seemed at ease, except for the fact his jaw was clenched enough to make his cheek muscles twitch. Having me on top of him couldn’t have been too comfortable, especially after having hit the floor so hard.
Before I could get up, Caleb whispered, “See, Tarsier, not so scary in here. It’s kinda nice, actually.”
“Yeah, but … um.” I shifted, meeting no resistance as his hands released my back, then got to my feet.
“Did you fall in a hole, Celia?” Mer shouted with a laugh from somewhere outside. “And Caleb, where are you hiding? I swear, if you snatched my phone …”
He stood beside me, close enough that our arms touched. His fingers moved, gently brushing mine then hooking the tips. “I want to ask you something,” he whispered.
I was tempted to ask what, but I already knew. And once again I pulled a fainting goat, except this time there was no falling over. I simply froze with fear. Because for some reason I knew things were changing forever, which scared me more than anything.
“Would it be so bad, you and me?”
Thoughts of him in eighth grade invaded my mind, and I slowly shook my head in the darkness. “Caleb, I—”
“Okay, seriously. Where are you?” Mer called, and a lig
ht illuminated from somewhere down the decrepit hallway. “I already took my turn, so don’t even try and jump out at me.”
When I looked at Caleb again, I could see him clearly enough—his hat on backward, fitted tight against his forehead, eyes pinned on mine, head tilted, waiting for the answer to the question still hanging between us.
“I can’t. I don’t think we would … work.”
His fingers slipped from mine then he took a step away and wiped a hand over his mouth with a nod. The light grew steadily at my back, brightening the room further, showing all the broken pieces of furniture that had been left behind, cobwebs and dust motes waving in the newly disturbed air.
“There you are. He scared you, didn’t he?” Mer stomped closer, handed over my phone, then turned to Caleb. “I told you she would be scared enough. You can be a real ass. And where’s my phone?”
“Yeah, I’m definitely an ass. Here,” he said with a nod, then lifted his other hand with both her phone and his own.
He’d had them the whole time.
Mer tugged my arm. “We need to get going. If we break curfew and kill any free time to use for more list tasks, I’ll be pissed. Elise and Marie left, but Dean is still out there. C’mon.”
She pulled me, and I went along on auto, my brain taking a little longer to process what had happened with Caleb. He was left in our wake, but I didn’t dare turn to see. My heart was heavy, hating the thought that I’d hurt him.
Sure enough, Dean was waiting for us beside his new-ish Mazda while his two friends Danny and Chris waited inside, their vape smoke spilling out of the windows and drifting into the woods bordering the back of the rundown house. His tall frame pushed away from the driver’s door, standing full height among the reeds of overgrown grass and patches of wild daisies as we approached. He ran a hand through his dark chin-length hair, capturing escaped strands and tucking them behind an ear.
“We’ve gotta jet,” Mer announced to Dean and she shoved me ahead.
Senior Year Bucket List Page 4