by Laci Maskell
When she looks as though she may actually say something, my doctor walks through the door. "Good morning ladies," she says. "How are you today?"
"Good," my mom and I say together.
Dr. Coughlin is a woman in her mid-thirties I'd say. When I met her last month she didn't judge, didn't look at me like the rest of Attica does, and didn't talk down to me like the child that I am. I liked her immediately.
She looks through the numbers the nurse wrote down and flips through the pages in my chart. Her brow furrows, which worries me. It is never good to see a doctor concerned, bedside manner and all.
"Well, Lux," Dr. Coughlin says. "Your numbers all look good except your blood pressure and heart rate. Are you under any stress that may be out of the ordinary? Or are you just nervous for the appointment?"
For some unknown reason, my knees clamp together. Under any stress out of the ordinary? Ha. That's a good one. I almost laugh out loud.
"Well, I am nervous for the appointment, but I'm not really sure." I wonder how much I want to tell her. She is so nice, I feel like I could open up to her. I feel like telling her about just starting back up at school and how everyone there knows about the baby. I feel like telling her about Greyson and how I want so desperately to hate him, but how I still have lingering feelings for him. I feel like telling her about how I get called a slut in school and how the other kids make fun of me. But then again, she is only a physical doctor. I would probably need a shrink for all the emotional baggage I've been carrying lately. And my mother is sitting in the chair next to me. I haven't even told her anything I think about telling Dr. Coughlin. I don't know how she will feel about me telling my doctor that I've met one other time, and not her. But also, there is the fact that I am going to be a mother in less than nine months and I feel like I need to at least sound mature and responsible, even if my inner child is screaming bloody murder. "Um, I don't think I've been more stressed than usual."
Again, Dr. Coughlin's brow creases, her mouth even pinches tighter together, but she nods and says, "Ok, well maybe keep an eye on it. If you feel overly stressed out, you can come talk to me. I will also keep an eye on your numbers. Right now, it isn't something to get too worried about, but if your levels get worse, it can cause a condition called preeclampsia. Preeclampsia is very dangerous for you and for your baby. We don't want it to get that far. Okay?"
I try to look at her through severe tunnel vision. No more than three months in and I've already put my baby in danger. I'm not yet a mother and already I'm a bad mother. Feebly I say, "Okay."
Dr. Coughlin smiles at me like she didn't just tell me I'm a bad mother. After a moment she walks to the door, shuts off the lights and says, "Are you ready to see your baby?"
I swallow around a large lump in my throat and nod when words escape me. I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to see the baby, but the whole appointment is about seeing the baby, so I'm not sure there is any getting out of it.
Dr. Coughlin tells me to lie back. I stare up at the ceiling and count the tiles. There are stars and moons cut out of some of them. I think it’s supposed to seem more homey, less doctors’ office. When I lie back, she pulls open my gown and squirts this blue jelly stuff onto my stomach. It is cold causing me to shiver from the contact. I even jump when she touches the ultrasound device to my stomach. My mom laughs as the doctor pulls the instrument away from me and asks if I'm okay. When I nod, she touches the stick like thing back to my stomach as I close my eyes.
I hear a kind of swirly sound, like an underwater kind of sound, but still don't open my eyes. I'm really not sure if I want to, or am able to see this. But then there is this very rapid sound. It almost sounds like the thrumming of a humming bird's wings.
My eyes snap open searching for Dr. Coughlin. "What is that?" I ask.
Her smile widens and she says, "That's your baby's heartbeat."
I've seen enough horror movies to worry that the baby's heartbeat is that fast. "Is it okay?"
Dr. Coughlin chuckles and says, "It is very normal. I promise you. From what I can see, it looks like your baby is very healthy and is doing well."
"Really?" I ask, disbelieving I could have protected it and kept it safe even this long.
"Why don't you take a look?"
Again I close my eyes. But this time, I turn my head in the direction of the TV screen on the wall that shows the picture of my baby. I squinch my face together, then pry one eye open after the other.
As I gaze upon the tiny thing in the center of the TV, something happens to my heart. It is squeezed and squeezed and I can barely breathe. I bite my lip as large tears well up in my eyes. My baby is on the screen of that TV. I can't even comprehend what is happening to my feelings right now. I stare at my baby and listen to its little heartbeat and just lose my shit as my doctor and my mom watch. In that instant I know that I have never and will never love anything so much in my life. And in that instant, I know that in no way am I capable of taking care of this baby.
"It's amazing isn't it?" Dr. Coughlin startles me by saying.
"What is?" I ask.
"How quickly mothers fall in love with their babies. It's two inches long and looks a bit like a tadpole and yet you have fallen completely in love with it."
"Yeah," I say. I have nothing else to say.
I have fallen completely in love with this baby. I hated it for the longest time after I found out about it. In truth, I still hated it, or at least was afraid of it, until I saw it on the TV screen. I hated it for good reason. It was the cause of the ruin of my life. It is the root of all of my problems. Of course I hated it. But now I can't find a shred of that hate anywhere within me. Granted, I know I can't take care of it. And I am definitely still terrified of it. But I no longer hate it.
I am quiet as the doctor wipes the jell off my stomach and turns off the machine. I am quiet as she talks to my mom about my diet and watching my blood pressure. I am quiet as I dress and am handed a roll of pictures from the ultra sound. I am quiet as my mom sets up the next appointment and we walk to the car.
Once I shut the car door behind me I lose my cool. "I cannot do this. I cannot take care of this baby." I turn to my mom with a look of pure terror. "I can't do this."
My mom has tears in her eyes when she leans in to hug me. I cry on her shoulder while she rubs my back. She doesn't tell me everything is going to be okay. She doesn't tell me I will get through this. She just continues to rub my back in small circles. It is soothing.
When I have calmed down to a respectable level, my mom pulls back, looks at me to gauge my frame of mind, and says, "Listen honey, there are other things you can do. If you truly believe you can't take care of this baby and you don't want to keep it, you could give the baby up for adoption. There are several families out there who desperately want a baby and can't have one."
"Do you think that's what I should do," I ask, not giving myself time to process what that could mean.
My mom gives me a sad smile and says, "I want you to do what you think is best. I want you to spend some time and think hard about what is best, not just for you, but for the baby as well. Also, you might want to talk to Greyson about it. I know you both don't want him to have anything to do with this, but at least when you make your decision, you should let him know."
"I'll think about it," I say, then sit quietly back in my seat as my mom drives me to school.
Adoption. The thought hadn't crossed my mind. It almost seems too perfect. I can get my life back. The baby can go to a loving family who needs it. Greyson won't have to worry about being a father and ruining his life. My parents can go back to loving me. Almost too perfect.
Greyson
Anyone in this school can tell the moment Lux walks into the building. A hush falls for an instant, then the chatter about her begins.
I wish she would have dropped out. Or maybe that she would have taken time off, at least to have the baby. If she did, I wouldn't have to see her every day. I wouldn't have to know that I am t
he one that put her in this situation.
She obviously doesn't like to be called names. She doesn't like to get picked on every day. So why would she come back?
I watch her as she walks down the hallway towards her locker and her only sanctuary, her best friend Leah. I don't understand Leah. Her brother is the second most popular guy in school. She was once very popular herself. And yet she chooses to be an outcast with Lux. Lux didn't choose to be an outcast, it just happened naturally. But Leah chose her position in high school. Granted, no one picks on her like they do to Lux, so it's not like it's an awful existence. But I would think she would want to make her life easier.
I watch them interact with each other and know there has to be something different going on in their friendship than there is with my friends. I just can't figure out what it is. The word genuine comes to mind. But I'm not sure if it is right.
I am startled when Amelia says, "What are you staring at?"
I try to avert my gaze so she won't see Lux and Leah, but I am not quick enough.
"God, can you believe someone slept with her?" Amelia asks.
I know enough not to say anything, although I want to defend myself, or maybe her. Amelia has no clue who the real Lux is. I don't have any clue who she is. And yet, the one night I spent with her, those few hours, I felt like I knew her better than I know Amelia. I wanted to talk to Lux, rather than make out with her to shut her up. I wanted to know the thoughts in her head, or maybe in her heart.
Fuck. I sound like a tool bag.
"I know," I say. "What a loser. He must have been one desperate guy."
Elizabeth, Liam, Hailey, and Tyler, our other friends join us by our lockers and gawk at Lux. The only person missing now is Jesse and the harassment team will be complete.
"Look at her," Elizabeth says. "She's already getting fat. Won't be long before she won't fit in the hallways. Much less the desks.
I close my eyes and swallow hard. All I can think is I did this. I did this over and over again.
It is no longer my problem. The last time I saw Lux, she said she didn't need anything from me. And I'm pretty certain she hated me. It never was my problem. I feel like I should ceremoniously wash my hands of the whole matter. If only I didn’t have to see her in the halls every day.
“That’s going to be funny,” Tyler says.
“This is boring,” Amelia says. “I’m going to the vending machine.”
She doesn’t ask if I want anything. She doesn’t ask period. She holds out her hand for cash, even though her parents make as much money as mine do, quickly pecks me on the lips when I give it to her, and saunters off, the rest of our posse following like puppy dogs.
I steal one last glance at Lux. I am curious about her as I have never been before. She makes me wonder things about her. About myself. She makes me hate myself when I have no reason to. I like being who I am. I like the life I live and I will be damned if I let her take that away from me by making me curious.
“Who knocked up the loser chick?” Jesse says from beside me.
I turn to him and see him staring at Lux and his sister.
“How should I know? I don’t know her life,” I snap with a bit more punch than I would have liked.
“Dude, calm down. It was a rhetorical question. And a joke,” Jesse says in his own defense.
“Whatever. What the hell man? She’s your sister’s best friend.”
“I know.”
“Whatever,” I say, leaning back into my locker I cross my arms. These conflicting thoughts and emotions are going to drive me crazy.
Jesse copies my posture and waits. After a long pause he says, “Can I tell you something?”
I nod, not wanting to give away anything I might be feeling through words.
“She’s not half bad.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“Lux. She’s a decent person.”
“How do you know that?” My curiosity flares.
“At first it was simple. I wanted to know why Leah chose her over us. Then it was because I wanted to get to know her. I mean, I didn’t want to get to know her. I don’t hang out with her or anything,” Jesse says, then shakes his head to return to his train of thought. “When she is with Leah she is happy and funny. And she’s smart as all Hell. It’s kind of too bad this happened to her. I mean, what is she going to do with a baby?”
“Yeah,” I say. I really don’t want to give anything away with my words. Especially the way my stomach is turning or the way I happen to be getting tunnel vision. “I got to take a piss, man,” I say, needing some space away from my best friend, the situation, my feelings, the girl across the hall.
My feet carry me down the hallway in a direction I’m unaware of. My mind does not know what it needs, therefore my feet take over. I feel that if I were a smoker, now would be the time to light up. Don’t smokers smoke when they are nervous or tense? I feel like I need a drink. More like a lot of drinks.
I am unaware of my actions as my hand pushes open the men’s bathroom door. Being well familiar with the path has got to help somewhat.
I charge into one of the stalls, shut it behind me, and try to pee. Of course, I cannot. Splashing cold water on my face does nothing to help, as the movies assure me it will. I’m really not sure what my problem is. Lux let me off the hook. Not that I would have ever been on one. If she wants to keep the baby, that is her choice. I want nothing to do with it. I will not be that baby’s father. I will, however, go to college, become a Nebraska Corn Husker, graduate from said college, and go on to live my life, without being that baby’s father. Signed. Sealed. Delivered.
Once I’ve collected my shit, and am sufficiently late to a class I am not yet in, I make my way out of the bathroom and down the hall. This time with a little more of what makes me, me.
I walk into my new classroom confidant, ready to take it all on, then spot Lux in the front row. Shoot me now.
“Yes, Mr. Fletcher?” Mr. Rush, the English teacher asks.
I cannot believe she is in this class. It’s an AP class. A junior in a senior class. I have no business being in this class. Jesse did say she is smart. Ugh. It’s not too late to get out of it. I could just say I made a mistake. Or, I could suck it up like a man and get through the class with her. There are six other students. It’s not like I’d have to talk to her or anything. I could sit in the back. I can do this. I can totally do this.
“Mr. Fletcher?” Mr. Rush asks again.
“I’m here to join the class,” I say as confidently as I can.
“The drop/add period is already over. You would have to get permission from the guidance counselor, and the principal, and your other teacher.”
“Already done,” I say handing him a paper signed by all three of the people he mentioned.
He looks it over then says, “Very well. Take a seat. But class started ten minutes ago. Do not be late again.”
“Yes, sir,” I say, a bit too smugly.
I start for the back of the class. When I reach Lux’s desk she hisses, “What are you doing here?”
I wink at her, say, “I’m brilliant. Don’t tell the others,” then hold a finger over my mouth and make a shushing sound.
Lux rolls her eyes and turns her head back to Mr. Rush. Clearly she is as happy to have me in this class as I am to have her in it. This is going to be the longest year ever.
I take an empty seat in the back and try my best to zone out. I’m not so lucky. Mr. Rush is discussing The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and Lux has many things to add to the subject.
Lux talks about how there are so many messages in the books. About how there is an underlying current of beating prejudice between Legolas and Gimli. How they hated each other because of their race in the beginning, but by the end they were friends and how they sailed away together. She says there is a great effort to show that underdogs truly can rise up. She says there are undertones of addiction and what it can do to a person. She talks about forbidden
love.
And as she talks I can’t help but notice how half of the class is mesmerized by her, and the rest wish she would shut up because she is making them look bad. Mr. Rush is captivated by her. I can see it in his eyes. I can’t tell whether or not it’s just because she’s a good student.
I can’t help but think she would be great in a college class. I also can’t help but think that she may not get to college, merely because I didn’t want to tell her the condom snapped.
Life lessons, one.
Greyson, zero.
When class is nearly over, Mr. Rush assigns the first five chapters of Pride and Prejudice to be read for tomorrow. Great. That’s exactly what I want to spend my evening doing. Why did I join this class again? Oh, yeah, because I need a credible class to get into college next year. However, I don’t want to spend the year reading stupid books that are only taught because they are considered classics. The Lord of the Rings was okay because today was the first day of class for me and because I’ve seen all the movies. I haven’t seen Pride and Prejudice and I really don’t plan on reading the book. Maybe I can pay one of the nerds in the class to read them for me. Maybe I can get Lux to help me in the class.
No. Not an option. I can’t believe I even thought it.
When the bell rings, I grab my bag, not having unpacked anything, and head for the door. I hear Mr. Rush ask Lux to stay behind and wonder what he could possibly need her to stick around for.
I walk out the door, then stop right behind it to listen.
“You did very well today,” Mr. Rush is praising Lux. “You’re fitting into this class very nicely.”
“Thank you,” Lux says. I can hear the smile on her face and can practically see her tucking her hair behind her ear.
I want to barf. Why does every girl in this school think Mr. Rush is so hot? So he’s kind of buff. So he’s twenty four and teaches the most romantic subject in high school. He’s an ass and a total fake. Why can’t anyone see that?