by Laci Maskell
“Oh honey, nothing will ever go back to normal. You’re having a baby.”
“You don’t need to remind me,” I say.
“You know what? Let’s go out tomorrow. We’ll get a massage, get our nails done, go eat.”
“I don’t know, Leah.”
“Don’t you dare I don’t know Leah me. We are doing this. You need to relax. And I need some chillax time with my best friend. I’ll pay for everything.”
“You don’t have to buy my friendship,” I retort. Money has never been something Leah has used against me. She has never shoved it in my face. But that doesn’t mean she won’t use it in order to get her way. There have been times where Leah and I have been shopping, I spot something I like but know I can’t afford, and when we pull up to my house at the end of the day, Leah will hand it to me. In those respects, I feel we have a bit of a one sided friendship, but I try not to let it get to me.
“I know I don’t,” Leah says, “but sometimes I like to. Listen, if you don’t want to go out, you could come over to my house and we could chill. Order pizza in. Watch movies. Gorge ourselves on ice cream. What do you say?”
I think about it for a minute. I really do need some time to chill and forget for a second what my life has become. Then something Greyson said hits me.
“How about you hang out with Jesse tomorrow night and we will hang out next week?”
Leah groans into the phone and says, “You’re really serious about us mending fences?”
“I am. You need to forgive your brother for the absolute nothing he has done. Do you know what I would give for Wren to talk to me for five seconds?”
“I guess you’re right. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like it’s your fault.”
“You know,” Leah says, adapting her I’m-serious voice. “I can’t help but feel like it is my fault. I dragged you to that party. And then I abandoned you. I should have been looking out for you. If I had stayed with you the whole night, Greyson wouldn’t have been able to take advantage of you and you wouldn’t be knocked up and you wouldn’t know what a jerk he really is. Instead, you’d still be nursing a crush on him and wish he knew you existed.”
“Thanks for making my life sound so amazing. But Leah, you can’t blame yourself. Greyson would have stopped if I asked him to. I didn’t ask him to.”
“Ugh. You’re too nice. Let me burden some of the blame.”
“Fine,” I retort. “You can feel guilty for shutting your brother out.”
“I hate you.”
“I love you too, Leah,” I say to her.
“I love you too. Now, go to bed. It sounds like you’ve had a rough night.”
“Yes, mother.”
“Bite me,” Leah says.
Before I can tell her to bite me, I hear the click of disconnection.
I smile and wonder how Leah and I became so close. I still cannot fathom why she chose to be my best friend and to ditch the life of popularity and infamy. She could have anything she wanted if she would have stuck with her brother and befriended the popular kids. But she didn’t, she chose to give it up for me. I don’t think she knew what she was giving up when she did it, being in third grade and all. Even then, I could see who the popular kids were, or were going to be, and I knew Leah was going to be one of them. But one day, at recess, instead of staying with that group, Leah came to play with me. We’ve been best friends ever since. I’m thankful for her decision every day.
Chapter Eight
Sixteen Weeks
Lux
I sit on the paper covered table and listen to my doctor talk about how much the baby weighs and how long it should be at this point. I do my best to detach my heart from the situation.
I can’t love this baby. I don’t want to love this baby. If I love this baby, I won’t want to let it go. But I know that the best thing for myself and for the baby is to give it up for adoption. I’m seventeen years old. What do I possibly know about raising a baby? I know they are expensive and take up a lot of time. But all that other stuff, when to feed them, changing their diaper, raising them, I’ve got nothing.
My baby is essentially the size of a large peanut. I’ve always heard women call their babies peanut and never knew why. I guess I can no longer say that. I’m glad there was no ultrasound today. Hearing what the doctor has to say about the baby is one thing, but seeing it on the screen, moving around, its little face, tiny body, is a whole other thing. A thing that I am beginning not to be able to deal with. I’m only sixteen weeks into this pregnancy and already having difficulties letting go. I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it is going to be when the baby is born and I see it for the first time. Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to see the baby when it is born. Maybe the doctor should just clean it up and hand it off to its new parents. Yeah, maybe that should be the way of it.
Leah thinks I’m keeping the baby. She is all excited about it, calling herself Aunt Leah. I’m afraid to tell her that the baby won’t be in either of our lives. She talks about my baby shower and all the fun baby games we’ll play. She talks about the cute outfits she’s going to buy the baby and wants to know what gender the baby is so she can buy blue or pink. Even if I were to keep the baby and it was a girl, there is no way I’m going to let Leah buy her pink clothes. I may love Leah, but I do not love pink.
She thinks about the times she will be able to babysit. And the times we’ll take the baby shopping with us. As much as I love Leah, I know she doesn’t have a full grasp on how difficult it is to raise a baby. I don’t have a full grasp on it, and I’m freaking out because of the loose grip I have on it. I am a Junior in high school. By the time the baby is born, the school year will be almost over. However, how am I supposed to get a job, finish my senior year, keep my grades up enough to get into college, and spend time with the baby? I’ve seen 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, those people are nuts and I’m sure those babies are going to be scarred for life. Now, I think that I am a pretty decently functioning member of society, more so than the girls on the shows, so I know that there is no way I’m going to be able to take care of this baby by myself, get myself through school, and not lose my mind.
“Lux?” my doctor asks.
“Yeah?” I ask, coming back to the room.
“Are you alright?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say, plastering a fake smile on my lips. “I was just thinking.”
“Why are you crying?” My mom asks from the chair next to the table.
I suddenly feel the wetness on my cheeks. I had no idea I was crying. Apparently I suck at the whole separating of the heart thing.
“I’m fine,” I say, swiping the tears away like they were never there.
“Are you sure, sweetheart?” My mom asks.
I love my mom but sometimes her worry is bothersome. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say, a smile splitting my lips.
“Ok,” Dr. Coughlin says, a smile on her face. “Well, you’re good to go for another month. Everything looks as it should. Have a great day, Lux. And try to keep working on de-stressing.”
“I will Dr. Thank you,” I say, when my mom says, “Thank you.”
“Have a good day ladies,” Dr. Coughlin says before she walks out the door.
My mom stays seated in the plastic chair next to my table and watches me. I’m sure she’s waiting for me to break down or explain to her why I was crying. Or maybe she knows. Either way, I’m not in the mood to talk to her right now.
“Mom, I’m fine,” I say, stepping down from the table. “Can we go please?”
I walk to the car while my mom schedules my next appointment. I feel bad being harsh to her but sometimes I feel suffocated by her. Sometimes I want to be alone in my pain. Sometimes I want to sift through what exactly it is I am feeling before she makes me tell her everything. My seventh, eighth, and freshman years when the bullying rocketed up a notch and I’d come home crying, all I’d want to do is go to my room and lie on my bed in stillness, but my mom would
force me to tell her what was troubling me. That only made me madder and cry harder. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell her, because I would have eventually told her. But sometimes I need to process how I feel and let it settle before I vocalize how I feel. My mom isn’t so good at realizing this.
Our drive to school is quiet. I know I should apologize for being short with her, but I am still not sure how I want to word my apology or why I was short with her. I’m afraid that if I tell her that I am falling in love with my baby that the conversation will go one of two ways. She will start crying, tell me that I can keep it, and we will find a way to make it work. Or. She will start crying, tell me she sympathizes, but there is no way I can keep the baby. Either scenario frightens me.
When we pull up in front of my school I open the car door and attempt to get out but turn around and face my mom. She doesn’t smile a fake smile, instead she says, “It’s okay. We can talk later.”
And it is times like this, when she is understanding, and I have treated her harshly, that make me feel more guilty than I already am.
“Thanks, mom,” I say, finally getting out of the car.
I walk in the door to the school and wish I could have taken the whole day off.
***
Leah and I sit in her living room painting our nails. Leah laughed, hard, when I discovered it has become increasingly harder to reach my toes. She took over for me when it came to breathing or painting my toes. Jesse came in to watch TV and laughed at me along with his sister. I didn’t mind so much because, a) it was funny, and b) he’s not so bad when he’s not with the rest of the Posh People.
I don’t even mind him sitting a couch away watching football. He’s quiet. He doesn’t unnecessarily make fun of us. And he doesn’t seem to judge us. It is times like this, when I see Leah and especially Jesse, that I can see why Leah chose to be my friend instead of sticking with the Posh People. Leah and Jesse are really decent people. They are nice to other people. They are very loving of each other. They respect their parents. Sure, Jesse can be just as mean as Amelia and Tyler. And sure Leah can be as judgmental as Elizabeth and Liam. But deep down they are good people. Sometimes I swear I could say the same thing for Greyson.
I’m also glad that Jesse is gracing us with his presence tonight because I don’t really want to tell Leah that I’m giving the baby up for adoption. I know that I have to tell her before I find the parents and start meeting with them, because then it is sure to get out and Leah will be heartbroken she didn’t hear it from me. I also want to tell her before she starts planning me a shower and buying the baby all sorts of baby things. But I know she is going to be upset. I know she is going to be upset by it because I am upset about it.
“Jesse, order pizza,” Leah says to her brother.
“No,” he says, without turning our way.
Leah sighs next to me, rolls her eyes, and says, “Jesse, oh lovable brother of mine. Our nails are wet and as yours are not, would you do us a solid and order pizza for us? Pretty please with sugar on top? We will share with you,” she adds in a sweet tone.
Jesse pulls out his phone and orders us a pizza. The exchange between them makes me miss Wren so much. I know he calls my parents to let them know how his first year of college is going. But I wonder if he ever asks about me. I’m not sure how long he’s going to be mad at me. I know if the roles were reversed, there would be no forgiving. There would be nothing to forgive. I would never have turned my back on him. I’m not sure why he did so to me. I know that he is disappointed in me. And I know that he expected better of me. But I wish he would see that I made a mistake and I never meant to hurt him. I wish he could have seen that, taken it for what it is worth, and said he is here for me. But instead, he abandoned me. I want to be mad at him for that. I want to hate him and not want to talk to him like he seems to want. But I can’t. I miss him so much. I would give my left eye to talk to him. He doesn’t even need to forgive me. I just want to talk to him. Even if it is for sixty seconds.
“Just so you know, I will be painting your baby’s nails,” Leah says, applying the last coat to my toes.
I’m quiet for too long because Leah looks up from my toes with confusion in her eyes.
“Uh,” I say. “I need to tell you something.”
“And that is my cue to leave,” Jesse says, standing up from the couch.
“What is it,” Leah asks, screwing the cap back on the nail polish bottle.
“Um . . . I . . . you see . . .,” I stumble over my words because I have no idea what to say to her.
“Spit it out,” Leah says, but there is no sass behind it.
I take a deep breath and sigh heavily. “I can’t do this,” I say into the end of the sigh.
Leah’s eyebrows meld together. She opens her mouth to say something then shuts it. Two seconds later she slowly says, “What can’t you do?”
“I can’t be a mother,” I say, treading softly.
She pulls away from me, looking shocked, and says, “You’re not getting rid of it, are you? Like, you’re still pregnant, right?”
“Yeah,” I say.
Leah breathes out a sigh of relief. I’m not about to get mad at her for thinking I was going to get an abortion, because she defended me when the whole school thought I had gotten one, and because I know better than to think she actually thought I would do that.
“So, what are you saying, then?”
I look around the room to make sure we are alone before I say, “I’m giving the baby up for adoption.”
Leah sucks in a deep breath. She sucks her top lip into her mouth and bites it. Her eyes say more than her words will.
She is silent. Tears well up in her eyes. A few spill over. She continues to bite her top lip. Watching her silently cry breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
“Hey,” Jesse says, walking into the room.
Leah and I both jump in our skin. Leah turns away from Jesse and wipes at her eyes.
“I’m going to go get the pizza. You guys need anything else?”
I shake my head while Leah, in a shaky voice says, “No.”
Jesse starts to walk away but pauses to study us. He knows there is something wrong. I look up at him to see he is staring at me. Or rather, he is staring at my baby belly. My heart stops because I am sure, in that moment, that he heard what I said. If he heard me, he could tell Greyson. That is the last thing I need right now. I wasn’t going to tell Greyson until I found the right parents for the baby and needed his signature to sign over his rights to the baby. But then Jesse looks at Leah, looks back at me, and shakes his head as if to say that we are crazy and he has no idea why. My heart starts over again. He couldn’t have heard me. He has no idea why we are upset. He shakes his head again then walks out of the living room.
We wait till we hear the front door close before we speak again.
“You don’t think he heard, do you?” I ask her.
“Nah,” Leah says.
“Leah, don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, working the pouty lip.
I shake my head to tell her not to even worry about it.
“Adoption?” she asks.
“Yeah. I’ve already been looking into it. The process and picking the parents and all else it entails.”
“You don’t want to keep the baby?”
“That’s not even it,” I say, rubbing my fingers over my eyebrows. “I can’t keep the baby. If I kept this baby I’d essentially be ruining its life and my own.”
“How do you know that?” Leah asks. “What if this is the best thing to ever happen to you and you are giving it up?”
“Don’t say that. This is hard enough as it is. I can’t keep it. I’d have to get a job. I wouldn’t be able to focus on school. I wouldn’t get to spend that much time with you. My parents would have to shoulder so much of the burden. Keeping this baby would be way too hard. Way too difficult on everyone involved.”
“Don’t you love it?”
&nb
sp; “I’ve tried not to. But it’s because I love it so much that I know I have to do this. This baby needs financial support that I can’t give it. It needs to be doted on and time spent with it that I won’t be able to give it. It needs two loving parents that you know I can’t give it.”
Leah shakes her head and says, “I know. I know. I’m not trying to fight you on this. It’s just sad. Did you tell Greyson?”
“No. And I don’t plan to till the very last minute possible.”
“Do you think he’ll freak out?”
“No. I’m sure he’ll be happy about it. I mean, he came to me because he wanted to stop feeling guilty. He doesn’t have to be guilty if he doesn’t have to worry about it being with me.”
Leah sits on the floor and is quiet. Leah is never quiet, so the times she is scare me. I can practically see the gears spinning in her head. Leah thinking has gotten me in trouble more times than I’d like to admit.
Leah looks up at me with a twisted gleam in her eyes. This isn’t going to end well.
“Have you even thought about keeping the baby? Like have you looked up how much stuff costs and what it would take to keep it?”
“No,” I say, knowing where she is going with this. “I’ve already made up my mind, Leah.”
“Oh come on,” she says. “We could at least look it all up and if it’s too much we will forget about it and I will support your decision one hundred percent.”
This is where Leah gets me. She plants these ideas into my head and makes me believe they are genius when I already know they are not. There is something to be said about mob mentality.
“Answer me this,” she says. “Do you want, in your heart, to give up this baby?”
“No,” I answer, my heart shuddering. “But that doesn’t mean I should. The first time I saw the baby on the monitor I fell in love. But it’s my job as its mother to protect it at all costs. Even if that means protecting it from myself.”
“Don’t you dare say that,” Leah says. “You would make the best mother ever and you know it. Just because you are too proud to ask the daddy for money doesn’t mean you need to put yourself down.”