I’d attempted to raise the matter with Mrs Coates, but she wasn’t too keen on chatting after I’d allowed Boris to leg it again.
Back home, I made myself a strong cup of tea, grabbed a packet of Rich Tea biscuits that I was delighted to find behind a rapidly decaying loaf of bread, and flopped wearily onto the couch.
Biscuit in one hand and another in my mouth, I reached for my laptop to see if any further messages had been left for me. There was nothing new. I polished off my tea and headed to the bathroom, parking myself on the toilet for a sit-down wee and a good old ponder.
A village fizzing with a bizarre atmosphere that seemed to be driving out its cat population.
Creatures with octopus limbs, murdering people and surrounding their corpses with occult looking symbols, daubed in blood.
A talking fox. Let’s not forget the talking fox.
Had I gone mad, or had I always been this way? It was the first time I’d explored that option since I came to on the shores of Derwentwater, nudged awake and mind empty. Maybe I was just crackers. Maybe that’s why I was suffering from amnesia in the first place. Perhaps my mind had decided it couldn’t take anymore and wiped the hard drive clean. Factory settings reset.
That sounded like something that could be true. Maybe. I mean, I’m a believer in the weird side of things, of the paranormal, of there being more to this world than the everyday person generally experiences; but all of this? I thought there was something in hauntings, in undiscovered creatures, but octopus men and talking foxes? That was a little out there even for me to accept.
So maybe that was it.
Maybe I was as mad as a box of tits and I was seeing more and more of this oddness as I barrelled towards another hard reset.
It was only as I finally stood up from the toilet, flushed, and washed my hands that I became quite sure that I wasn’t alone in my bathroom.
The room was small, just large enough to squash a toilet, sink, and a small corner bath into. The shower curtain was currently pulled across, hiding the small bath from view, but something was in there. Some dark shape; a black hump, that was now dimly visible through the curtain.
This again?
‘Hello? What sort of a talking animal is waiting for me this time?’
My heart was now beating loudly in my chest, banging a coward’s tattoo against my ribcage, and yet there went my hand, reaching towards the shower curtain. Being generally afraid but also incurably curious was a damned curse.
‘Just so you know, whoever you are, I have a gun. A big gun. Just brim full of shooty bullets that will turn you into… a dead person. So, no funny business.’
One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths.
I yanked back the shower curtain with a little cry of aggression, to find a dead body squashed into the small corner bath. A body with a large hole in its head. A body with numerous octopus arms that had left smears of dark blood all over the white plastic.
Mr Octopus.
The creature that had attacked Mary Tyler.
The creature that had tried to kill me.
I stumbled backwards out of my bathroom with a pinched cry of surprise, and staggered into my living area.
‘Finally,’ came a voice from behind me. I whirled round, almost falling to the ground, to find the mad homeless woman sat on my sofa. ‘Where the fuck have you been, I’ve been waiting hours!’
I stared at the woman in silent astonishment.
‘Very rude way to treat a guest, and I should know, I always treat guests terribly.’
‘You!’
She lifted a plastic bag and gave it a shake. ‘I just went on a beer run, d’you want one?’
She placed the bag next to her on the couch, pulled out a can, cracked it open, and downed it in one.
‘You!’ I cried. ‘Here! In my home!’
She reached into the bag again and retrieved a fresh can of very cheap-looking lager.
A thought struck: ‘My car. Did you fix my car after the crash?’
The woman shrugged. ‘Maybe. Needed to get your heavy arse to the hospital and I wasn’t going to carry you the whole bloody way. I’m not as young as I was, you know.’
‘How? How did you do that? Because the Uncanny Wagon was wrecked. And now, it’s, well, not!’
‘You know,’ she said, before burping and carrying on, ‘I think there’s something I’m forgetting.’
‘What?!’
‘Oh, yep, got it.’
That’s when I felt the mad woman’s knuckles connect with my left cheek, followed by the floor connecting with my right cheek.
‘Ow.’
‘Too fucking right,’ she replied.
I sat up, clutching my face. ‘I think that’s a first. I don’t think anyone’s ever hit me before.’
‘Not true,’ replied the woman, opening her second drink. ‘I’ve hit you before, you piece of shit. Here,’ she tossed a cold can my way. ‘Press it against your cheek. Or drink it. Or both.’ She cast a look about the room. ‘You know, this is a very small flat. You must be doing terribly; I can’t say how much that pleases me. Did I call you a piece of shit already?’
I nodded. ‘You also punched me.’
‘Oh yeah! Ha, good times, you piece of shit.’
I stood, keeping my distance as I opened the can and took a sip. ’You save me, you attack me, you fix my car. You’re a very confusing person.’
The woman flopped on the couch then grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.
‘So…?’ I said.
‘D’you get the wrestling? I like the wrestling. D’you remember Big Daddy? Now there was a fighter. And Giant Haystacks. Of course, these days it’s all about the American wrestling. Sure, they bring a little extra polish and razza-ma-tazz to the thing, but for my money, you can’t beat those classic, Seventies and Eighties British wrestlers. Kendo Nagasaki! I met him once. Odd feller. Had me ejected from his home on account of the fact I’d broken in and shouldn’t have been there.’
‘I can empathise with that,’ I replied. ‘Can we please get back on topic though?’
‘Ha, that’s me, wandering all over the shop. I’ve yet to meet a tangent I didn’t love, you know. Now Rowdy Roddy Piper—if we’re talking the American wrestling world—there was a man I did have time for...’
It was more than a little exasperating. I tried my best shot to bring the conversation back on track. ‘Me, Joseph, you…?’
‘...A woman fighting an overwhelming urge to squeeze your neck until that head of yours pops like a balloon.’
A mad homeless woman in my front room and an octopus-person corpse in my bathroom. That mental reboot was looking to be right around the corner.
‘Listen,’ I said, ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but there’s a dead monster in my bath – a dead monster that you killed with your fist.’
She raised her right hand, which was now engulfed in blue flame. ‘Right hand of doom.’
‘How… how are you doing that?’
‘With ease,’ she said, and winked at me.
‘Yup, I’ve gone mad. That’s all there is to it.’
‘No. Not this time. Not yet, at least. And if you do, I’ll twat you one.’
‘What do you mean, “not this time”?’ The woman fell silent. ‘Look, you break into my home, dump a body in my bath, drop all sorts of hints about who I am... I think I’m owed an explanation!’
The woman gently placed down her can of beer, then stood, fixing me with darkening eyes. ‘Owed? There’s only one thing you’re owed,’ she replied, her left fist igniting with blue flames too now.
I backed up until the front door pressed against my rear end, ‘Now, come on, let’s not get out of hand here. Hulk Hogan! He’s a wrestler.’
I yelled in surprise as a sudden, hard knock landed on the front door.
The woman shook her hands and the fire sputtered our. ‘See who it is.’
I peeped through the door’s spy hole. It was detectives Maya Myers and Sam Samm.
15
As the door was knocked again I did the dithering from one foot to the other, dancing on the spot thing you only ever see in old, farcical sitcoms.
‘Mr Lake?’ came Detective Maya Myers’ voice.
‘Maybe if I stay quiet they’ll go away?’ I hissed at the homeless woman.
‘I can hear you,’ replied Maya.
‘No, you can’t,’ I said. It was worth a shot.
‘Yes I can.’
Damn.
This was bad. I had two detectives behind one door and a weird corpse behind another. It might have been the corpse of a monster, but a corpse nonetheless.
‘Yes, sorry, just a… joke?’
I heard Detective Samm with two ‘m’s’ laugh, then stop. ‘I don’t get it.’
‘One moment, just need to make myself decent,’ I said.
‘What?’
‘Decent, I’m completely naked, stuff flapping all over the place!’
I turned to the homeless woman and gestured wildly, unable to find the words to accompany the hands.
‘Just don’t let them in the bathroom,’ she said, then shuffled in there, closing the door behind her.
Right then. Crap.
I smoothed down my clothes, gave my hair a quick ruffle, and opened the door sporting the largest and fakest of fake grins ever committed to a face.
‘Detectives! What a pleasure!’
‘Hm,’ replied Maya, walking in, Detective Samm at her heel.
I closed the door and turned to the two detectives, my eyes involuntarily flicking to the closed bathroom door.
‘I like your home,’ said Detective Samm. ‘Cosy.’
‘Yes. Thanks. Thank you.’
‘I have a really big, four bedroom place in Carlisle. Huge.’
‘Well, that must be awful.’
Detective Samm nodded, sadly.
Maya was eyeing me. She must have blinked at least once but it didn’t feel like it. Could she sense something was up? Could she smell the corpse on the other side of the bathroom door?
‘You seem nervous, Mr Lake,’ she noted.
‘Me? Nervous? Am I nervous? I don't feel nervous,’ I replied, nervously.
‘Your voice is all high-pitched, you’re sweating, and you’re breathing heavily.’
‘Um… yup. That’s because… because of this thing that I am about to say...’
‘Go on.’
‘Right, well, it’s because I was just… jogging? Jogging.’
‘Jogging?’
‘Jogging.’ I performed a little jog on the spot by way of illustration, then stopped as that’s obviously an insane thing to do. She knew what jogging was.
‘So you’ve just been jogging, naked, inside your tiny flat?’
‘Yep, in here. Forty laps around the front room. I’d jog outside but… all those car fumes, and the hard paving stones are murder on my ankles. My body's a temple, Detective.’
Maya narrowed her eyes then turned away. I think I’d gotten away with that. Pretty slick, Joe.
‘Bullshit,’ barked Myers.
Pretty, pretty slick.
‘Is there a reason for this very welcome visit?’ I asked.
‘Yes,’ replied Detective Maya Myers. ‘Firstly, you have yet to come to the station to give an official statement about the incident involving Mary Taylor and Janet Coyle. Any reason for the delay?’
Monsters, cats, talking foxes.
‘Just busy. Work and stuff. Slipped my mind. Sorry.’
‘And then we were informed that you were involved in an accident.’
‘Oh, yes, that was just… a cat. As I told Chloe. Just swerved to avoid a cat. My own fault.’
‘Hm. Well, we’re going to accompany you to the station and get that statement off you now, Mr Lake.’
Ah, good. Going to the station meant leaving; leaving the mad woman and the monster corpse in my bath tub. This was very, very good.
‘Great! Off we go then, can’t wait, a trip to a police station, always a pleasure.’ I slipped my coat on ready to skip out of the door.
‘Your bathroom.’
And there went my heart, diving into my stomach.
‘I’m sorry?’ I replied.
‘Your bathroom, is it through there?’
‘Why? Shall we go?’ I said, pointing to the front door.
Maya headed for the closed bathroom door. ‘I just need to quickly use your toilet, too much coffee.’
‘No!’
‘No?’ she replied, turning to me, hand on the door handle.
‘It’s just, I haven’t bleached it in months. I’m… embarrassed to have a lady use it.’
‘I’m not a lady right now, I’m a detective.’
She turned the handle and stepped in. I darted across the room and joined her inside.
‘I can usually handle a piss on my own, Mr Lake.’
I looked around, bewildered. There was no sign of the homeless woman, and no sign of any monster corpse in the bath tub. There weren’t even any blood stains left on the white plastic. I did a little turn, peering around the tiny bathroom in astonishment.
‘Mr Lake?’
‘Hm?’
‘Why are you in here?’
‘I just… I thought I’d used up the last of the loo roll, but nope. There it is, hung the right way and everything.’
‘I see it, Mr Lake.’
We stood in silence for a few seconds.
‘Mr Lake?’
‘Yes, Detective Myers?’
‘Get out.’
‘Yes, Detective Myers.’
With a final, confused look around the bathroom, I stepped out, the door closing behind me, and re-joined Detective Samm.
‘She’s just peeing,’ I said. ‘By herself. No one else in there at all. Which is not strange, or scary, it’s very, very normal.’
16
I wasn’t exactly a stranger to police stations, but I can’t say I’d ever felt exactly at ease inside of one.
For a while there, after first waking with a blank history next to Derwentwater, this station had been a regular haunt. Numerous questions on the part of the police, and numerous visits from myself, desperately hoping for an update on my situation. A crumb of hope I could gobble up.
I hadn’t visited for several years now due to a terminal lack of movement on my case, which I presumed was still, technically, open. The station looked exactly the same. From the looks of things, they weren’t planning on renovating the place until it started raining down on their heads.
It was evening now, fast approaching midnight, and I was sat in a small, grim-looking room with Detective Sam Samm sat across a table from me.
I feigned looking over my written statement, nodding, and hmmming, then nodding some more.
‘Does that look about right?’ asked Detective Samm.
‘Yup,’ I replied as I grabbed the pen and scribbled my name on the dotted line. ‘That sounds about right.’ Apart from not mentioning monsters with a beak for a face and giant, haunting, yellow eyes the size of teacup saucers.
‘Well then, that’s that,’ I said, sliding the signed statement back across the table.
‘Great! Very helpful of you.’
‘So, any leads yet?’ I asked.
‘Yes. Well, no, not exactly. Just the strange wiggles painted in blood, but we don’t know what those mean. And we’ve put them through the computer and everything.’
Hm, that was a good idea, I should have done that. If the police computer had found nothing, that meant they weren’t your everyday occult symbols. These were something else. Or just gibberish.
‘I’m sure something will turn up,’ I said. ‘I have the utmost faith in you, Detective Samm.’
‘Thank you very much. I know I’m not the best detective on the force, but I’m learning a lot working with Detective Myers. She really knows her stuff.’
‘Y
es, she seems very nice for a scary woman.’
Detective Samm laughed. ‘Oh, don’t mind that. She likes to put on a front but she doesn’t fool me.’
‘Hey, why is she working here, anyway? Why would a detective from London relocate to this backwater station?’
‘All I know is her last partner was killed on the job and shortly after, here she was.’
Well that was interesting. And sad, of course. Sounded like she’d left behind a few ghosts.
Detective Samm sat forward suddenly, his brow knitted. ‘Wait, I probably shouldn’t have told you that. Oh dear.’
‘That’s okay, Detective Samm, I won’t tell anyone.’
‘Phew, thanks,’ he replied, relaxing back into his chair. ‘She’s the best partner I’ve ever had. The only one who doesn’t make fun of me. Well, doesn’t make too much fun, anyway. I think she’s making me better.’
The door to the interrogation room opened and Maya stepped in, a styrofoam cup of coffee in hand. ‘All done?’
Detective Samm waved the signed statement at her.
‘So, am I good to go?’ I asked.
‘Good to go. Unless there was something else you wanted to let me know,’ Myers replied.
‘Like…?’
‘You tell me. It’s obvious you have something on your mind. Something that scares you.’
She was one perceptive woman.
‘Nope. Nothing going on up in this noggin.’
She placed the coffee cup down on the table and leaned over until our faces were so close I could feel her breath.
‘I don’t like it when people lie to my face, Mr Lake, and I don’t like it when people keep things from me. You’re doing both.’
I went to speak but she cut me off.
‘Don’t bother denying it. You have a piece of this thing that you’re not ready to hand over for some reason, but hand it over you will. You want to know why?’
I nodded.
‘Because people are dying, and it’s my job to stop them dying, and that means I will not stop until I have what I need. Do you understand me?’
Dark Lakes, Volume One: An Uncanny Kingdom Urban Fantasy (A Dark Lakes Collection Book 1) Page 7