Detective Myers sighed and rubbed at her eyes. ‘So, this is magic. Us being able to see down here... it’s down to magic.’
‘You’re catching on,’ replied Eva. ‘Shall we head down here then, see if we can pay a home visit?’ She lit a cigarette and made off.
‘I don’t suppose I could bum a smoke, could I?’ I asked.
‘I’m all out.’
‘That tin was full.’
‘You are mistaken.’
I was not.
Me and Maya followed on.
‘So, that was a big one,’ I said. ‘Bigger than the others.’
‘Probably the queen. Big bitches, the queens. The rest just work for her. Go out, chomp down a few souls, then bring the nourishment back to ol’ fatty to help propagate the species.’
‘Do we have a plan at all?’ asked Maya, ‘besides sticking our heads in the lion’s mouth?’
‘I’ve got a plan, don’t worry,’ replied Eva. ‘Well, a bit of a plan. Well, no exact plan, technically. We’ll improvise.’
Myself and Detective Myers shared a look that was not at all confident.
As we moved forward, a noise started. A sort of droning hum. It was more than a little unnerving.
‘What is that?’ I asked.
‘Hm? Oh, that’s probably just a whole bunch of soul vampires harmonising,’ replied Eva.
‘It’s times like this I wish I was a gun-toting, U.S. copper,’ said Maya.
‘I’ve got a gun,’ said Eva, pulling one from her pocket.
‘That’s a plastic water pistol,’ said Maya.
‘Oh! Holy water, is it full of holy water? Does that kill these things, just like normal vampires?’ I asked.
‘No. This is my vodka gun. It’s full of vodka.’ She fired about three shots into her mouth, then pocketed it.
‘That’s going to be really useful, I’m sure,’ said Maya.
‘Depends,’ replied Eva. ‘Maybe they like to party.’
The sound was huge now, echoing around and around, bouncing off the stone walls. There was an opening ahead.
This was it. Time for the big final showdown.
We stepped warily through the opening and into a space the size of a cathedral, packed full of the octopus creatures, maybe a hundred of them, all on their knees, arms aloft, worshipping their queen. Their queen was, indeed, a big bastard. She looked like Jabba the Hutt’s bigger, uglier sister, with huge, thick limbs twitching and weaving out of the trembling, oozing flab.
‘You see that?’ said Eva.
‘Yes?’
‘That’s your mum, that is.’
For now, all of the creatures’ attention was away from us. None of them seemed to have noticed our arrival. I craned my neck, attempting to catch sight of Chloe, but all I could make out were the dark, twitching shapes of the soul vampires.
‘Okay,’ said Maya as quietly as she could whilst still being audible. ‘Nobody make a sound. Let’s just scope the place out and come up with a plan of action.’
‘Agreed,’ I whispered back.
Eva stepped forward. ‘Oi, wankers, over here!’
Around a hundred pairs of giant, saucer-sized eyes turned our way.
Bollocks.
‘My name’s Eva Familiar. I believe I bit your Queen earlier. Hello again to you, tubbs.’
Myself and Maya shuffled in behind Eva. I was desperately looking for a way that this might turn into a win for team Not Octopus Monster, but I was coming up blank.
‘Right then,’ said Eva. ‘We’re here to kick seven shades of shit out of you. Who’s first?’
A hundred beaks opened wide and screamed in fury, the sound amplified by the vaulted ceiling of the cave, deafening the ears. Any second now they were going to charge us and kill us and eat our souls.
‘Hold on.’ A voice.
A voice I recognised.
‘Chloe?’
And there she was, stepping out from the shadows. Chloe Palmer.
‘Hey, Joe.’
‘You’re alive!’
She was definitely alive. I felt my grin grow so huge it was almost of cartoon proportions.
‘Shit, quick, run!’ I yelled.
Chloe didn’t move towards us. Not even a little bit.
‘Chloe? What’s wrong?’
‘Yeah,’ she replied, ‘this might break your heart a little. Sorry.’
‘What are you talking about? Let’s go!’
‘Joseph,’ said Maya, ‘I think your girlfriend is a bad guy.’
I laughed, then turned back to Chloe and saw the look on her face.
‘No.’
Chloe shrugged, then nodded.
Shit.
And big, hairy man-balls.
32
‘No, no, no. No. No, no, no.’ I said. Which seemed reasonable given the circumstances. All sense of immediate danger had evaporated and I stood rooted to the spot, my limbs useless, my face slack.
‘What is it then, love?’ asked Eva. ‘What’re you getting out of this exactly?’
‘What am I getting?’ replied Chloe. ‘I’m getting what should rightfully be mine, and I’m going to do something wonderful with it. Something important.’
Maya stepped forward and showed off her badge. ‘Chloe Palmer, you’re under arrest, I’m going to have to ask you to accompany me to the station.’
‘Really?’ replied Chloe, disbelievingly.
‘Yeah, I had a feeling that wasn’t going to fly,’ said Maya, stepping back and putting her badge away.
‘Chloe,’ I said, ‘I don’t understand. How can you be the bad guy?’
‘I’m not the bad guy, Joe. What I’m doing is for the good of everyone.’
I shifted, trying to ignore my body’s desire to crumple pathetically into a melodramatic heap of boo-hoo in the dirt.
‘Look at them all,’ said Chloe, turning and waving at all the surrounding soul vampires. ‘Aren’t they beautiful?’
‘Not really my type,’ replied Maya.
‘Boring!’ said Eva. ‘Come on, love, cut to the chase already, I’m zoning out here.’
‘When I was seven, I had to watch as cancer ate away at my mum... As death took her, piece by painful piece, and there was nothing I, or any doctor, could do about it. I can still hear her screams, Joe. Still see the agony etched into her face. And then I was alone. I never knew much about my dad. I was told he’d died when I was just a baby, but that was about it. Then I got a job at Carlisle Hospital and I started to learn the truth.’
‘What truth?’ I asked.
‘That I’m special. That I’m meant for something more.’
‘And who told you that?’ asked Maya.
‘A fox,’ she replied.
Oh...
‘That little bastard,’ said Eva.
A fox. A talking fox.
‘He’s said things to me, too,’ I explained. ‘It’s just bullshit, Chloe, that’s all. Come on, you can still walk back from this. Please.’
She smiled, almost sadly, and shook her head.
‘It’s not bullshit. As soon as the fox told me, as soon as the Red Woman showed me, I knew it was true. Felt it. My father was from the Dark Lakes. He came here and he fell in love with a mortal woman, and I was what came from that love. My father, with me and my mum by his side, was going to lead an army to conquer Great Britain. This,’ she said, arms wide, gesturing to the creatures surrounding her, ‘was his army.’
‘Shit army,’ said Eva, ‘Fuckers don’t even have swords.’
‘Being told the truth opened something up in me,’ said Chloe. ‘I found them. I found the army that my father was meant to lead. They were asleep, waiting for orders. I woke them up. I was terrified, I wanted to run away, but I couldn’t. It was as though I was meant to be there. I thought they might attack, but they didn’t hurt me. They saw who I was. Who my father was. And they’ve been growing stronger ever since. Getting ready to emerge from the shadows, with me at their head.’
‘Bad luck, love,’ repli
ed Eva, ‘‘cos you’ve got three problems there.’
‘Oh?’
‘Me, him, and her. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I am fucking scrappy.’
This was too much. It couldn’t be real. Couldn’t be true. I’d come here to rescue Chloe, to rescue the woman I’d been not-so-secretly in love with for the last several years, and now… what? She was part-evil, on her dad’s side?
‘Chloe, you’re a doctor,’ I said, ‘this goes against everything you’ve ever worked for!’
‘No. Because I haven’t told you the best bit yet. We’re going to save this country.’
‘From what?’ I asked.
‘From death.’
‘Yep,’ said Eva, ‘she’s gone full loon.’
‘My dad, yes, it seems like he wasn’t altogether nice. He was going to use this army to lay waste to this country. But I’ve found a different, better use for them.’
I stepped forward, desperate to hear something good from Chloe. Something that would make me understand.
‘What d’you mean,’ I asked.
‘These beautiful creatures, they don’t have to just eat the souls. Imagine a person, close to death, beyond the help of any doctor. Just not enough time. Not enough tools, or the right medication, or the right knowledge. One of these creatures can remove and hold the sick person’s soul. Cleanse it, with my help. With the magic I have inside of me, from my dad’s side of the family. Infuse the soul with elements of the Uncanny so that when they deliver it back to the body, the patient will live. Will fight against what’s killing them and win! Don’t you see? They’ll cheat death! Isn’t that good, Joe? Isn’t that worth doing?’
I had to admit, that did seem, well, sort of noble, maybe? Good, sort of?
‘One teensy problem; these things need to kill people and eat their souls to survive,’ said Eva. ‘They’re not just going to chew on them, then spit them back into their bodies. How are you going to get round that?’
‘Oh, they’ll still feed. Only they’ll save their feasting for people who deserve death.’
Yup. And there it was.
‘And who decided who deserves to die,’ asked Maya.
‘Me of course. I’m in charge. It’s my birthright.’
‘What about the people your pets have killed so far,’ asked Maya, teeth clenched. ‘Were they all ‘deserving’? Was my partner!’
Chloe shuffled, looked unsure for the first time since she’d stepped out of the dark.
‘They need to eat to grow strong enough for what’s ahead. They’d been sleeping for years. They were starving. There wasn’t time to—’
‘Save it,’ replied Maya, almost growling with contempt.
‘I remember their names,’ said Chloe. ‘I’ll never forget them. I’ll never forget a single one of them. They died so a better world could rise and they will be worshipped for their sacrifice. Millions will live because of them. Millions.’
‘I’ll be honest, Chloe,’ I said, ‘this is giving me real second thoughts about kissing you again.’
‘Chloe Palmer,’ said Maya, ‘If you think everyone out there will just fall in front of you, follow you, allow you to decide who lives and who dies, then you don’t know shit about people.’
‘They’ll accept whatever I say, because I’ll give the gift of life. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand the wonderful thing I’m offering? I’m going to change Great Britain for the better. No more mothers crying over their sick, dying children. No more children left without a parent, all because of some mutated, evil cells. No more. Not ever again.’
‘And those that deserve to die get fed to Mr. Octopus,’ I said, quietly.
‘Yes. Isn’t that right? Isn’t that a small price to pay for all the good I’ll do?’
‘Listen,’ said Eva, ‘all you are is a half-Uncanny and a pile of soul vampires. That’s not nearly enough magic, not nearly enough power, to do the sort of thing you’re… oh…’
‘Oh?’ I said.
‘Oh,’ repeated Eva.
‘Oh what?’ replied Maya.
‘Oh you, Joe,’ said Chloe.
‘Me? What about me?’
‘Besides being the biggest knobhead this side of Manchester,’ said Eva, ‘you’re also a source of crap-loads of Uncanny power. I mean, you’re just a potential volcano ready to fire that shit out in every direction.’
‘Well, it’s not as though I know how to access any of that, and even if I could, I’m not going to help her.’
‘Yeah, not really a consent issue,’ she replied.
‘Joe,’ said Chloe. ‘I’m sorry, you don’t know how sorry, but we’re going to kill you and feast on your soul. Your special, special soul.’
‘See,’ said Eva, ‘not a consent issue.’
‘Right. Oh. Great.’
‘And then,’ said Chloe, ‘we’ll have more than enough power to change things for the better.’
‘For your version of better,’ I said.
I looked to Chloe, who had an almost sheepish expression on her face. She shrugged. ‘Sorry, Joe. Sorry it has to be you.’
‘You were using me.’
‘No. Not at first. I’ve always liked you, Joe, you know that. But then I started to realise what you actually were.’
‘It was the fox, wasn’t it? When I mentioned seeing a talking fox.’
She nodded. ‘That was the first clue, yeah. I’d been looking for something like you, something so incredibly powerful, that we could all eat and use. That could finally give us the power to take our place up above and save people. And there you were. There you’d always been and I had no idea. Strange thing, life, isn’t it?’
‘Getting stranger,’ said Maya.
‘I wish there was another way,’ said Chloe. ‘I’d hoped you’d be at my side when the moment came. That we could stand side by side as I beat death at last. I really did like kissing you.’
‘Oh,’ I replied, ‘I’ve had better.’
‘No you haven’t.’
I slumped my shoulders. ‘I really liked you, Chloe Palmer.’
‘And I really liked you. But I can’t wait any longer. People are dying up there. People we can save. People who need me. So now it’s time to kill you.’
‘Shit; heads up,’ said Maya.
I turned to see the stone burrow that we’d come through was now packed with soul vampires blocking our way. We were trapped. Maya pulled out an extendable baton, ready to smack anything that came too close.
It had become painfully clear that Chloe’s abduction had only been a ruse. A ruse to get me here so they could kill me, eat my soul, and do the whole take-over-the-country thing. And I’d fallen for it. To be fair, I’m not sure how I could’ve been expected to piece any of this together beforehand, but still.
The creatures began to edge towards us.
‘One step closer,’ said Eva as she pulled her water pistol, ‘and you fuckers are going to have a hell of a hangover tomorrow.’
Maya yelled and swung her baton, backing the things up.
‘Bring him to me,’ said Chloe.
The bravest of the creatures descended on us, wrapping its limbs around Eva and Maya, and holding them back as I was shoved towards Chloe, towards the huge blob of meat that was the soul vampire queen.
‘Chloe Palmer,’ said Maya, struggling to free herself from her assailant’s grip, ‘I am an officer of the law; if you harm a hair on Joseph Lake’s head you will have the entire force of the Cumbrian Constabulary to answer to!’
It was a nice try, but it wasn’t much of a deterrent at this point. Chloe was now only a few metres in front of me. I felt like grabbing her by the hand and trying to pull her towards the exit. Maybe if I could just get her away from here, away from these creatures, I could talk some sense into her. She was still the Chloe I knew. That part of her must still be in there. And if that was true, and I really, really hoped it was, then maybe there was a chance.
That hope was quickly squashed by what happened next.
/>
‘It’s time for me to become more,’ she said.
‘More what?’
‘Just… more.’
She smiled and gave me what you could almost class as a cute, goodbye wave.
‘Bye, Joe. Thanks for being a friend. Sorry you won’t be able to see the wonderful world I’m going to build.’
Then the giant soul vampire queen split open and Chloe stepped inside.
‘Chloe!’
The wound healed. The queen began to tremble, twitch, scream, her subjects crying out in reply.
She was changing.
She began to sprout up and up, fresh limbs erupting from her damp, meaty torso. When she stopped growing, she resembled a giant, thick tree of twisted, dark green meat, with twitching octopus limbs for branches. A pure, Lovecraftian nightmare made sloppy flesh, that screamed from its huge beak, causing the ground to quake.
I staggered backwards, looking up at the terrifying beast before me. Chloe had somehow merged with the Queen. There was no talking to her now. No convincing. Chloe was gone.
It was over.
‘Hey, idiot,’ said Eva, ‘You kissed her. Ha!’
And now she was going to kill me and eat my soul.
My fists clenched as I willed something to happen. Anything. I was magic. A warlock. If what they were saying was true, I had enough power in me to stop this. To put an end to this abominable army before it emerged above ground.
I lifted my hands, screaming, willing the impossible to happen. For fire to burst from me and turn these creatures to ash.
Nothing happened. Instead, the Chloe Queen reached out with one of its limbs and plucked me from the ground, carrying me towards its giant beak.
This was it then.
Really, really it.
I can’t say it was how I’d expected to go.
‘Nope,’ said Eva, ’He might be a dickhead, but he’s my dickhead.’
I craned my head round to see her twist and headbutt the creature holding her, breaking free. She dashed forward, octopus limbs grasping at her, hands burning with livid, orange flames.
‘Get your tentacle off my witch, fucker!’ She punched out a fist and a ball of fire shot from her hand and severed the limb holding me. I fell to the ground at her feet as the Chloe Queen screamed in fury.
Dark Lakes, Volume One: An Uncanny Kingdom Urban Fantasy (A Dark Lakes Collection Book 1) Page 15