Copyright © 2015 by Mahogany L.. Browne
Published by Button Poetry / Exploding Pinecone Press in collaboration with Penmanship Books
Minneapolis, MN 55403 // Brooklyn, NY 11238
http://buttonpoetry.com
http://penmanshipbooks.com
All Rights Reserved
Manufactured in the United States of America
Cover Design: Rico Frederick
ISBN 978-0-9896415-7-9
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Slink Feel Good
Vast
When 12 Play Was on Repeat
blurred vision
sanctuary
12 play genesis
1981
past before
justification for the broken
1992
notes & acknowledgements
about the author
“I can’t look in her eye, seeing all that lonely, and think
I got a right to keep being me” – Patricia Smith
because you don’t just walk in nobody’s house party
a Brooklyn studio kitchen the size of your mama’s
bathroom the brownstone stone blessed by fried
chicken smolder & he’s dressed in white linen
your box braids swing a single swagger his
eyes dance destruction a pair of four alarm fires alight
he spread each flame across your breasts slick your
name like his gin ignore his porcelain skin date again
she wait like a mother told her women must do &
you just an Oakland intersection flailing Brooklyn men
with your accent & gestures “have never been there before”
so he say “I will drop her off” he say “let me take you”
his smile a question mark his date’s slender haunts the night
air & you brown dirty dark black blackest night midnight blue
bl_ _k girl y o u
so
blk
somehow you forgot your name
Slink Feel Good
you ain’t never been the type
to let a man climb his ocean
of a body through your bedroom
window not like Li Li
she first born daughter
to a correctional baton man
she learn quick how to sweet talk
a man away from his sensibilities
& you be: the type
of swoon & shadow frame
& sickle moon sliced into the
brown you be: Li Li-like
mimic you point your toes
into the canvas of your bleached
Keds straighten your stretch pants
in plain sight & wait
for any boy’s heat to greet
your famished eyes burnt orangish brown
under the delirious sun
Li Li always called you
pretty always called the next
morning when Steven slink
his body from her bed or her
window ajar
y’all laugh the rotary phone
a coil of secrets tapping against
the carpeted floor she
sigh a breath of fresh crisp
& alive against your virgin ears
“it feel like something inside is on fire”
Vast
“She pursued, adored and claimed me,
and I was desperate to be claimed.” – Rebecca Walker
you held Justin’s hand in the dark
in the garage corner while everyone
else pretended to not watch
you both were slippery tongues
& new the idea of girlfriend swam
a drunken song
you held my breath & his hand wandered
you wondered & he tripped across your skin
his eyes brown & one lazy
remained partially closed & full
aware of the dark his lap almost
a hot brick
your desire to be wanted
a cooling dam so
vast it drenched you both
the blk(est) night is a blk
girl s w o l l e n smirk she
swell sideways saunter
a skillful solemn sound
in skimming sunsets the
key of lonely ever since
“God/Who dat?” – Alice Walker
cause you ain’t seen none of them praying/when
they crack/baby skull/open wide/on the side-
walk/call it jump in/like a black child need to
know/ how destructive a leap can be/like his
black skin know what “in” mean/in the first
damn place/they say family and gang/ be
the same/so it ain’t mean nothing different/
when your uncle/sit over you/let his fist/get to
dancin’ on your black girl head/ & your bl__k
girl nose/& your blk girl chin/be all
mangled/like a disaster tailored just for your
frame/ & he think he testin’ you/for the waters/
so the sharks know/you the toughest meat/ &
that’s the shyt that will save a bitch/so you take
each blow/like a puppy drunk on its own
whimper/ hold his three year old daughter/
as far a w a y as possible/his scabbed knuckles
dancing wildly against the dusk
When 12 Play Was on Repeat
when you are a deep amber & your jheri curl is a distant memory & your shape is swollen in the perfect places & the boys remember your name & your first and last crush sings to you come here with a lilt in his walk & his tongue wags you towards him with its pale pink & you smile because you remember the sun wrinkles your darkness so you pull corners of your bright face & squint like you practiced in the bathroom mirror where only a hint of your gap-tooth smile lingers like a wager & you think of the time you danced in the basement against the brown boy with a half-moon fade beneath your hungry hands even then you were frowning in the dark trying to figure out if his fingers should shove themselves between your cotton & denim like that because you could not understand the wet & you frowned & he stopped & you thought i want to but his eyes were all over your face & his smell was copper & so close & you sighed & he stopped & you know now that means uncertainty but you were certain that you weren’t certain enough to know what a sigh can mean but now you smile just in case anyone is really looking at your face & in the dark he says come here & he is what you’ve always wanted & it is in the senior class lock-in which is a storm of hormones high on endo smoke & everclear & everyone is touching someone & no one is frowning including you & it’s like the time when stories are passed during homeroom & locker rooms & you always wanted to have a story for the cold tiles when there are only bra straps & lip gloss & hair brushes & smiles where no frowns are found because you don’t know what it is like to lose yourself into a shadow you only know how to fold each breath like a blk girl mistake into the borrowed white stretch jeans pocket & wait
the blk(est) night
be a blk girl
she think
her hair
too good
& her waist
too small
& her fit
too cute
& her jeans
too flyy
& her mama ain’t nothing
like her
& the bitches
on the corner
ain’t nothing like her
& can’t nobody sweat her style
but jesus
blurred vision
you & Li Li ain’t talking
cause she think she cute
cause she think you ain’t
must be pretty boy
C
urtis all in her
head all in her mouth
making her forget her home
training making her
forget her daddy got a gun
for a living & her mom
ain’t live with them &
this is why you think she ain’t
got no sense no how cause
ain’t nobody but fast girls
checking for Curtis &
he keep her name close
& she don’t come
home the same way no more
she must think she cute
must think you ain’t how
she keep you waiting like
you posed to wait on Curtis – or something
& you hate his light skin self
‘cause he ain’t funny as he think
‘specially when he call you blk
& ugly & stupid &
she stay grinning like he the sun
like ya’ll ain’t friends like you ain’t protect her from them heffas that want to jump on her
every time we go to the skate rink cause Li Li pretty & they boyfriends forget they
home training around her so when Curtis say the thangs you already done said about yourself
& his friends laugh you know deep down inside she ain’t never really thought you was pretty no how
how she just said them lies to keep yo shadow all up & around her sunshine smile
when you go to the pool party & everybody there in they bikinis & you got your one piece with a white t-shirt
on top & the boys just’a looking like they mama ain’t taught them nothing worth knowing & Li Li got that
good hair so she don’t care if it’s wet & loose & your hair ain’t close to being good so you keep it in a tight
tight ponytail til the sun get so hot you jump in to cool your sadness down it’s like you already
know you let your shoulders sink low like your heart be
& watch Li Li how she walk & everybody stop & you trynna learn
cause ain’t nobody got time for the kind of shade you got but everybody got time for the s u n
Li Li smile at Curtis he only a little bit cute & he ain’t funny or smart so that’s how you
know she lying & you pretend you don’t hear his South Sacramento slur you pretend you can’t see his
hazel eyes he say
“lose her ugly black ass” & Li Li laugh she say “shut up, Curtis” but it sound like “come here” so you
dunk your head
underwater slow & wait for her to say something like:
“don’t talk about my friend, i don’t care how pretty your eyes is”
but she just say “shut up” & she laugh & you think you could stay here where it’s all a blurry aqua
blue you think
you could stay here where your eyes don’t hurt so much & it don’t feel like you been looking at the
sun all day long
sanctuary
women are taught that first love/look like sisterhood/taught the way a woman hold her sister is the way she hold herself/her god say she her sister’s keeper/& her sister need good hands to hold the jump rope sturdy/her sister need still hands to keep the wolves at bay/her sister need strong legs/the kind that don’t bend & buck when blood come just’a rushing out her head/or her nose/or between her legs/her sister need know how to clean the wounds til sewn/how to braid the wool with pomade/how to fill the cup until liquor poureth over/how to keep the liquor from pouring over/and sloshing out/all out into the world/where a woman already made to look like a mess/like an oil spill/like a junkyard dog with no chain/no sister want to be no dog with no chain/or no home/or no man/no sister want to be no dog no how/no sister want to be so common/that all she know is hunger/no sister want to bark at the scent of a man/no sister want to be the type that howl all that lonely/the kind to keep her closest sisters like a broken chain/with they back all crooked/& they edges ruined from the flood/the world so full of floods calling themselves love from the ruin of a shattered dam/no, a sister want to be the type of sister who can keep her kin safe/until her safe become familiar/a sister want to learn to keep her hands open with love/until her love become as holy as her mother’s name/a sister want to be the type to build the bridge/that keep a sister from sleeping in the trenches/a sister without this type of currency/is a broke woman/& every sister need know her hands were blessed for something more rich/every sister need know a tribe of women willing to pad her knees & elbows with shea butter/willing to sing wind into her hair like a prayer/a sister want to be the type to be prayed for/to be prayed for/to be prayer/til prayer become mantra/til mantra find a home in her bones/til mantra stretch itself wide/and reach her fingertips/til her fingertips hold the jump rope for her sisters/til her fingertips keep the other wolves at bay/til the wolves hear the hymn/& know she is a sister with sanctuary/& this sanctuary got the type of hymn that her ugly woman mouth be singing pretty/ even though everything around her say run
12 play genesis
deep amber distant memory shape is swollen perfect brown boy remember
your name last crush sings a lilt in his walk his tongue wags pale
pink & you smile because the sun because darkness pull corners of your face
squint gap-tooth hint smile lingers; wager & you danced; half-moon
– fade your hungry hands you, frown in the dark his fingers shove
between your cotton & denim & wet you frowned & he stopped uncertain you, in the dark
smell copper sighed but you, want in a storm of hormones
high on endo smoke everyone is touching someone no one is frowning
& stories passed you always want to have a story for the cold, you don’t know what it is
you fold each breath like a black girl mistake to lose yourself in a shadow wait
1981
The first time you realize you love a girl your sister will make you pay a smart lean across your adoring eyes the brownest thing on earth, your mama say & sister will wiggle her finger like a secret & you love her so much you can’t stand it you pretend you are her & wear her PJs the ones with the yellow rainbows across the chest the ones tossed at the edge of the daybed every time she leaves for her father’s house & you don’t go over there as much cause your mama say NO & she let you cry or sometimes they just wait til you sleep or sometimes you forget to cry until they walk back up the driveway the next day & you got a name for what pain slams in your chest but your brother & sister both older & mama-look-a-likes climb across the pavement drop their bags returned to you on the lawn you wait & your sister know you love her cause you do whatever she demands & she wiggle her finger say got a secret & your brown brown eyes open wide w/ huh? the water hose an unsteady dam in your hands shoot the dirt up from the grass & spray dark drops on your face but you can’t be bothered so you scurry across the wet lawn close enough to her face to hear her whisper “mom found you in the gutter we told her to give you away but she wouldn’t listen.”
past before
Ain’t no man ya DADDY
Sleep w/a broken bulb above the porch
listen carefully for the haunt the b o n e s h a t t e r
listen as it shuffles across threshold
a blue & gluttonous rat
Ain’t NO man ya daddy
Find a man w/soft eyes Find a man
w/no hands Find a man w/no home
PRAY
Ain’t no MAN ya’ daddy
When the first moon spills open like
a cavernous beast & your
mother forgets to draw the curtains
of her smile
the floorboards can be the sledge hammer
flush a splinter from the base
beneath your big toe
hold it like a pitchfork (or a gun)
swing (aim)
*boom*
▪
once you snuck a boy into your mama’s house he is the worst idea ever born this is before his box cut fade turned disa
ster warning smoke your trust can you see it? his crooked yellow grin/a siren alarm/your hands crossed?
▪
i want to tell you a story it goes like this/the girl w/the slit for eyes & tight mouth sneaks her high school dropout boyfriend into the house/while the adults sleep noisily you have a new sliver of admiration for her/something about the green chipped paint staining the seat of her whitestretch jeans or the broken garage door open like a panting dog/ something about her bravado urges you peek into the room & listen as your cousin recounts the night/a honorable evening/a less ambitious high school dream/cause you are still in middle school/so your stomach is already hot w/giggles cause no one says “slut”/ not like the time the new girl from los angeles moved into your neighborhood/her first week smelled like a sweet valley high chapter except she is nothing like Jessica/no blue eyes/no blonde hair/nothing except her girl shape & her dangerous eyes & she is everything like you except the boys like her & not when no one is looking & everyday everyone is looking/her acid washed jeans announce she is not from here/she is different you think you could want be this type of different/you think you could want this type of different holding your name/& after school everyone walks home by the swallow of oak trees/near the quiet bend & soccer post furthest from the park & you want to follow the crowd to sit beneath the shade but you have chores/but you have not been remembered yet/& acid washed jeans girl is not your friend/yet/so you have no real reason to pretend you belong & the next day you try not to be surprised/your mouth a silent O when you return to school/the new girl w/acid washed jeans is no longer shiny/no longer new/just another brown girl/gone blk/& unwanted/& almost closer to you & her name is a bone in their mouths/all cause her acid washed jeans were caught around her ankles at the park w/one of the loudest of swaggers/he claim the prize/he raise his hands/he say w/a barrage of snarls “she stink” “she nasty” “she let me..” & after school no one is walking w/her no one is following her unless to laugh at her call her “fishgirl” call her anything but her name
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