But she didn't now.
She just nodded, then sheathed her sword—all very formal—before starting to pace. And as she paced she began to give instructions on where I should go to join the force; things I already knew so I focused instead on what to say next, but then all the sudden, she was walking away.
I barely kept from jolting forward at the panic it sent through me. Was she leaving? She couldn't. I needed her. But then she stopped in front of the torch, putting her hands up to it, then sitting down on the rock beside it. So when I had trouble staying in place now, it wasn't because I worried she was leaving me, it was because of how well she was defined by the light, and how strong my desire to be closer to her was.
I really had been fooling myself, thinking that I could have come back and stayed away from her. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I would have been doing now if she realized who I was; not standing yards off, of that I was certain.
She pulled her sword out. For a moment I thought she might still be holding it there because she didn't trust me, and I was still waiting for her to say something more concerning our previous conversation. But I began to realize, after she'd stared watching the sword for at least a minute or two—that she wasn't going to say anything more to me. In fact, I wasn't even sure she still knew I was there.
It was like, well it was like I'd been dismissed, like she was now on to her own world where I didn't exist—whether I was still present or not. I wracked my memory, trying to think of a time where she'd ever done such a thing to me, and came up blank.
Now I wondered whether it would be reasonable for Cole to stay after having been first answered, and now forgotten—but then I was sure that it wasn't reasonable to imagine Cyric would be alright with leaving her. Cyric wasn't alright standing on the opposite side of the grove.
So Cyric stepped forward, deciding that Cole would have to be the sort to stay, whether it was reasonable or not. My feet crunched into snow, sure to make plenty of sound so I wouldn't surprise her, but it was still another few minutes—far past when she must have noticed I'd come closer to her—before she looked up at me.
Her eyes weren't sad, or angry, or even impatient anymore—they were just blank, her entire expression was. She looked back down, watching her fingers trace her sword as she had been, before asking wryly, "Are you going to tell me now that you don't know the way back to the city?"
I frowned, disappointed that it really did seem she'd dismissed me. Then I asked something I thought was legitimate for any soldier in my position. "Isn't it a little dangerous for a princess to be out here by herself?"
Her lips curved almost straightaway, utterly distracting, almost maddening, holding all of my focus while she responded, "You mean in case she's attacked by strange foreigners." She moved a threatening glare up to my face. "I can take care of myself. Or did I not prove that?"
The shift my mind required, adapting from considerations over her smile to this displeased reaction, made it take a few seconds to formulate a reply. "You did," I told her, knowing it was what she'd like to hear, then I added, both to please her and broach a new line of conversation, "You're very good. Did you learn on Yanartas?"
She narrowed. "You can't tell if someone's good just by watching them on their own, can you?" Her tone was back to impatience. But then, very casually she shrugged up one shoulder. "But you're right. I am. I learned in part, on Yanartas, and in part before."
She looked back down, and I swallowed, not thinking very well as I answered, thanks to the grade of artfulness with which she'd lifted her shoulder. "Because you're a Warrior?"
Immediately her head snapped up and I faltered with it, anxious that I'd tipped her off to something. "I mean, you said before about your rank," I explained. "And—"
"And I'm well-known for being both," she interrupted, "I'm not surprised that you're aware."
I frowned. Well then why did she have that look on her face, even now, like she was suspecting me of something? Before I could decide, it very suddenly disappeared. She sheathed her sword with a sharp hiss and let it fall beside her, then she stretched her hands back on the rock behind her, leaning her body back with them, making my brows go very high and my attention span go south as she spoke in an almost haughty tone. "These forms I was doing tonight weren't from Yanartas though. They're Byakoan. They're very difficult."
With a swallow, I forced my gaze to her face, determined to answer right. "I could tell. Even watching you for a moment, you were very impressive. The Byakoans must not be able to do them so well. I mean..." I didn't want her realizing I'd been watching her at the temple as well, so I corrected, "...I assume they couldn't. You did them—" perfectly, beautifully, these things came to my mind but I didn't think I should use them. "I mean you looked..." perfect, beautiful. Ugh, think Cyric, there are other words.
I realized how stupid I must be sounding about the same time Ellia looked as if she might start laughing at me. I turned my gaze off towards the woods, hoping it would help not to be looking at her. Her voice came out with great amusement. "I think you must not be very fluid at talking, Cole." Cole, Cole again. "But I don't mind so much. Everyone around me is generally very well-spoken. I like being the one able to express myself best...." She paused, just long enough to give me time to go from gritting my teeth at my own stupidity, to losing most my strength at the mention of how great everyone else around her was compared to me. "Do they not do a lot of talking in Kanth?" she added.
And by now I'd fallen to a very low state. Not so much because she obviously didn't think much of me—or because I wasn't good enough to keep up with the rest of her crowd. At later times those would bother me, but now I could only think that she looked so beautiful and I just wanted to be with her, but I couldn't—because I'd failed. So my reply was perhaps a bit more morose than even I could tolerate. "I'm not good at very many things."
She narrowed unhappily. "Well, that's some sort of attitude to have. You must be good at something."
Yes. Of course. Lying. Running. Making you unhappy.
"You spotted the bird didn't you?" she added hopefully. "You must have fair sight?"
I cleared my gaze suddenly, measuring her features. Well now look, where before I'd been so happy that she knew I was bad at hunting, now she thought my sight was good. I opened my mouth to correct her, but then realized that I couldn't. Yes, go on ahead, Cyric, tell her you can't see in the dark—it's common enough, won't cause any problems.
Still, I couldn't bring myself to deny it. I shrugged.
"And what things do they do in Kanth? You know it's not very far from my land, Shaundakul. Don't they have trees there? Are you good at climbing?"
I thought about whether I was, but not very long. Because trees hadn't been very different from walls—and walls I had always been exceptional at climbing. But then, I wasn't sure whether I should even confirm this. How much would Ellia suspect if I did?
I shrugged again, thinking that I would have to just keep going until she knew me completely wrong.
"See there. And you've come to join the war. Can't you fight?"
Fight. If Ellia knew who I was, she wouldn't ask that. I couldn't just fight. I was the best at fighting.
I shrugged again.
Ellia pursed her lips, disappointed clearly for a moment, then her expression turned speculative and I realized she wasn't looking at my face anymore. Her eyes were lower, on my shoulders first, where her brows flicked up in gruff approval, then over the length of me. I realized she was measuring me for fighting-potential and I didn't mind it so much and maybe my lips even curled up on one side—until she frowned. And not just a little frown, a very deep and perplexed sort. It didn't take much then to realize she was looking at my hands. I glanced at them—just long enough to see how well they were lit by the fire; which I stupidly hadn't even thought of—and I had the immediate urge to pull them back. Like, really immediate, but I didn't, because I didn't want to scare her. And besides, there was no point, she was alread
y looking up at my face—which meant that I was trapped looking back at her eyes. It was different this time than the other times she'd looked at me since I entered the grove, I was sure she was seeing more, and as for running; it took about everything in me not to run now.
I stood frozen, with nothing else to do but stand frozen. I was just as locked by her eyes, as I was waiting for her response. I thought something for certain though—I thought it more certainly then I'd thought anything else that night.
That I was glad I'd told her my name was Cole. That I was glad she didn't know I was Cyric, that I wasn't standing here with my hood off.
I knew I should feel guilty for this. But when she frowned, and the frown was full of pity, I was sure of it.
She blinked, freeing me up from her gaze enough to realize my stomach was tightened to knots. I moved my hands silently into my pockets—where they wouldn't be coming out anytime soon. She tilted her head, her expression not having lost any of its sympathy. "You know it's not going to be easy to get to Yanartas right now because of the festival ending. You probably picked the worst time to join."
That same pestering voice that had followed me on the boat liked these words—not that I didn't already know they were true. How easy, give up on the whole thing, go find Silos in Kanth after all, or find Tosch or go somewhere else. Anywhere. Nowhere.
But Ellia was only a few feet from me. And Silos's words about peace (though I didn't feel it now) rang clear with her so close. Tortured I might be, but I could protect her. That was why I'd come in the first place—or had I forgotten? That was why this was better after all. She wouldn't have wanted me anyways.
I looked at the trees. Then shrugged lightly, drinking in a cool breath of air. "I'll find a way.... I have to go."
I didn't expect her to reply, at least not with anything besides another scoffing comment.
But instead she offered her help to me.
#
I hadn't been able to divine why; not before we'd parted. And then that night, knowing that I would be going to Yanartas with her the next day, I hadn't slept or thought much. Too many thoughts had assaulted me in the grove; they clicked to a stop, and left me with just one course.
I'd assumed they would come up again when I saw her, but really they hadn't, not even for Lucian.
Today, even now watching her stare at the water, I only thought of... well, to put it simply I hated myself for all the things I hadn't done when I could have. Not only back in Uldin Keep, but even afterwards. I remembered I'd thought when we were dancing that touching her wouldn't have been enough. It was stupid. It was the stupidest thing I'd ever thought. I hated myself for ever thinking that. I could have at least tried and found out for certain if it wouldn't have. It would have at least, been better than nothing.
Now I could stand and look and remember how soft her cheeks were, or her hair, how soft her lips had been or what it would be like to kiss her eyelids, her forehead, her nose, every inch of her face, but I couldn't do it.
And I didn't understand, truly didn't, how I hadn't for so many years.
She looked over at me and automatically I didn't look away. She blinked a few times, obviously aware that I was staring at her. But her cheeks didn't flood with color, and she didn't start chewing on her lip—those reactions I was used to receiving when caught watching her, thinking of...what I'd been thinking of.
If anything, I was disconcerting her.
I turned away, dropping into the railing and putting effort into holding back a tortured sort of sigh.
My gaze was hard on the water line, but after a few minutes, I forced myself to speak, thinking of Cole's reputation. "Princess, do you usually take the ferry to Byako?"
She looked over at me, and I did the same. "No," she answered, "Why?"
I cleared my throat, straightening up further. "Well, I know you're a Warrior, and so are your friends. I was wondering why you don't ride your chimera? Aren't they well?"
"Oh." She flicked her brows high. "Yes, of course they're well. Chimera don't easily get ill. It's just they do better when they're near the Isle. So with the war, it's better they don't leave unless it's for an important purpose." She hesitated, looking as if she were uncertain of adding more. She shrugged a shoulder. "Besides, the chimera have their own desires and interests. Some prefer not to travel. It's where all of their race are anyways."
I thought about this, frowning behind my mask. "So yours isn't the sort that likes to travel?"
"No. Luffie loves to travel."
I waited for Ellia to add more, but she didn't. So I cleared my throat and went on. "Luffie? That's your chimera?"
Ellia nodded grudgingly.
"Did you name her?"
Ellia slit her eyes, measuring me. "Everyone names their chimera," she finally answered, "Where else would they get their names?"
Her tone reminded me of the haughty one she'd used in the grove—and I found myself wondering how many people actually braved talking too long if this was how difficult she got over everything. Was it everyone she spoke to like this—or just me? She hadn't spoken to Estrid that way, at least.
"Sorry, I hadn't thought of that," I denoted. Then I wracked my mind, trying to think of what to ask next.
Before I could, Ellia stretched an arm past me. "Look there, or you'll miss it. You won't want to if you've come all the way by boat."
I turned, not easily, only at her insistence. I didn't want to look, because I didn't want to see. But then there it was, starting off as a pale triangle at first, then rising up so quickly I thought my mind must have gotten lost longer than I realized staring at it. A mountain, and forests, bright fires and cliffs—like all the pictures I'd seen before wrapped up together, only lacking any sort of beach. Instead the boat drew up close to a complex of docks, all connected to a forest of trees.
"That's not the main port," Ellia told me. "Or at least, it didn't use to be. I suppose it's the largest now, since it was extended for the ferries. But the isle's most beautiful bays are on the other side. The waves wouldn't be so high near there, not that any of them are much to speak of in these winter months."
I turned to see her focused on the Isle.
"Straight through the forest there leads to the city. One of the dockhands should lead you all up to it."
"You're not going?" I asked automatically, cursing myself only afterwards, when her brow dipped at my tone.
"I'll walk up that way, yes," she admitted. "But Warriors live at the top of the complex. You'll be on the forest floor."
I frowned, getting the express feeling she was making a point of saying this. To add to the sense, she pushed back from the rail and tipped her chin up. "It was nice meeting you, Cole. I might see you in training, but if I don't, I hope you do well in the army."
Now, when I really thought it couldn't get any worse, she took a last look at my hand. And then she left.
I full-out grimaced watching her go. Grateful now more than ever for the mask to hide it. She walked up to a dockhand at the other side of the boat, and after a moment, Estrid and Lucian joined her. These two were the first to look up when chimera passed overhead; three or four of them. They let out loud roars and my instinctual reaction was to reach for my sword—only I didn't have a sword, and of course I wasn't meant be attacking them anyways.
I watched them for a while with a tight throat, then someone called for everyone to gather together to depart the ferry. Since it was closer to where Ellia was, I went willingly—though I didn't like to think of what was coming next.
ELLIA:
I ascended the hill through the forest with Estrid and Lucian to my right, talking over war particulars. The ground beneath my feet was clear, but the treetops were snow-covered—as it was on most the rest of the Isle—as it had been since winter started, all too normal. Everything was normal. So it made absolutely no sense that everything felt unusual to me. I swallowed, glancing around and testing for changes; I even checked in straight away with Luffie, asking if
she was alright. She was still at the top of the Isle, happy enough.
"So what do you think, Ellia?" Lucian asked, centering me back into focus on our conversation. "If Estrid went with us to Genbu when the winter breaks. We've decided Arrin will be more amiable to the cold if Tris is there."
I thought about my answer, distracted a little, by the nearness of the group of recruits behind us. I'd already glanced back a few times to see the Kanthian wasn't far behind us, but I was ignoring this.
"I still don't understand it," Estrid interrupted. "I mean, it will be spring then, so what does Arrin have to complain about? He's fine enough on Yanartas, isn't he, and it's freezing here."
"Yes, that's here. Genbu is in the northern mountains. That's the whole reason we have to wait till spring. It's so cold, if we went now, the chimera's feathers would freeze off mid-flight."
"Lucian, you've told us that a thousand times over," Estrid complained, "no wonder Arrin's scared when that's circulating your thoughts all the time."
"Or else it's Arrin's fault they're there to begin-with."
"Oh. I don't think so. And I've half a mind to believe you're being over-cautious about the rest of it. You said there's a pass that's not traversable either—"
"Not until the summer," Lucian interjected.
"Probably not until the summer," Estrid corrected. "You guess not until the summer." This sort of phrasing was something Estrid corrected Lucian often on, and though he never seemed to appreciate it at the time, the intensity of his business rhetoric hadn't yet ceased in lessening. "But what I mean is, if even their pass is closed all winter, then how do they manage to survive. Where do they get their food? Why don't they freeze?"
"Walls of stone," Lucian answered. "They may even live underground. They're rumored to. We don't know for sure."
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