Mayhap always. It seemed as if she only prayed to God when she needed something. When was the last time she had read a Bible?
Ivy made her way to the bow, absently nodding at Gage’s men as they hailed her.
The ship dipped, causing sea foam to mingle with the tears on her cheeks.
What is wrong with me?
Could she not simply trust in God to take care of her brother as Gage had insisted? And what about Emma? What would become of her? The thought caused fresh moisture to run out of her eyes.
No…no…
Could a Lord who allowed Emma to be abandoned by her own mother care enough about the child to provide a home for her? What about the Lord who allowed her best friend Eden to be repeatedly abused by her own fiancé?
Ivy cringed at these extreme thoughts. Her faith had certainly deteriorated from what it had once been.
Shock struck her body, making her feel almost as if she could not move. What a terrible person she had become.
However, despite all of the tragedies that had befallen her and her friends, good things occurred as well. Ivy had met wonderful people like Gage and Emma. The crew had begun to obey her orders as if she truly was their captain, and they were finally back on track after all of the struggles they had seen. Nausea bubbled in the pit of her stomach.
The ship dipped again. Ivy swung her arms about to keep her balance. She leaned down to a crouch and stared at the water swirling below her. A wave of nausea swept through her body, and before she could calm herself, she spilled the contents of her stomach into the sea.
A hand rested on her shoulder in a brotherly manner. A glance over her shoulder revealed the half-gnarled face of Adam.
How could God allow this man to lose so much, to even lose his handsome face? Adam was a good man. He did not deserve the cards he had been dealt.
“Ivy, calm down.”
She inhaled deeply. It was hard to take a full breath. Her heart pounded violently against her chest. Her head swung back and forth. She could not breathe.
“Ivy, your face is bright red. You’ve been crying!” His arm circled around her and he helped her up from her crouching position on the deck.
“Lady Ivy Shaw, you need to breathe. Come here. Let’s get to your cabin.”
Tears sprung from her eyes yet again. She let him help her across the deck, down the companionway, to her cabin, and onto her bed. Her head was light. Everything spun.
Adam leaned over her, a furrow in his brow. “Ivy, I need you to calm down. You are fine. Everything is fine.” He held her hand in his, and with his other, wiped at her forehead.
“No…it is not okay. I’m beginning to think God does not care about any of us.”
His hand stilled. “Ivy, you should never say such things.”
“I don’t care.” Finally, her breathing stilled to a normal pace. She glanced around the cabin before her gaze rested on Adam once again. He seemed truly concerned. She could not stand it. “Please leave, Adam. I need to rest.”
He grimaced as he straightened to his full height. “Yes, milady.” Adam left the cabin, silently shutting the door behind him.
Ivy rolled on her side, buried her face into her pillow, and sobbed herself to sleep.
****
A shiver iced down Addie’s spine as she sat in the dining room of a local tavern. She had been eating here for weeks—Mr. Faulke did not provide her meals nor a place to cook them—and she felt uncomfortable at every meal. This tavern was far too close to the docks for her liking, and it was a long walk from the milliner’s shop. The customers were mostly unruly sailors. The men eyed her like she was a piece of meat.
Addie bit into her spoonful of stew and glanced out the side of her eye at the man to her right. He stared at her.
“M-may I help you, sir?”
The man was a pirate, by the looks of it. An intimidating one, possessing a long, scraggly beard, earring, colorfully mismatched outfit, and horrible stench. She inched away from him until she was sitting on the far side of her seat.
He grunted and lowered his gaze for a moment. The second she looked away, she could feel his eyes on her again. “Please, sir, I must ask that you leave me alone. You are making me uncomfortable.”
That elicited a rude chuckle, revealing a mouthful of rotting teeth. “I’m makin’ ye uncomfortable, wench? No worries, I can easily show ye how t’ be very comfortable.” He reached for her, and she rose abruptly. The dishes on the table jingled.
“You are overly forward, sir. I must demand you leave me alone.”
He laughed and rose as well, lurching toward her. His steel hand gripped her shoulder. She jerked from his grasp, but his strength sent her tumbling over her chair. The wretched man caught her with a better grip. Addie attempted to butt at him with her head, but his hands held her at arm’s length. “Release me at once, sir!”
“Nay, milady, methinks ye just need to cooperate an’ you’ll be very happy.”
Her pulse rose. She needed to escape this man at once.
Her eyes scanned the room for a weapon, anything she could use to defend herself.
Some men in the room observed her situation with mild interest or boredom. Others ignored her completely. Violently, the man tugged on her shoulder, drawing her closer. He leaned near her neck and inhaled deeply. The women in the room, barmaids, eyed her with pity, but did nothing to interfere.
“Let! Me! Go!” Yet again, Addie tried to free herself from his grasp. Her struggles were met with a laugh as he pulled her closer yet.
He swung her around and leaned down, eyeing her lips. She spat in his face. As the saliva in his eyes disoriented him, she braced herself and jerked her knee upwards. A low moan and her sudden release told her she had met her target. Addie did not stay to observe the consequences. She flung a coin on the table for her meal and sped out of the tavern. This was the last time she would be dining in this fine establishment.
****
Adam pounded on his captain’s door.
“Who is it?” The man’s voice sounded as barely a whisper above Emma’s soft snoring.
“Adam, sir.”
“Come in. It’s unlocked.”
Adam let himself in. The cabin was gloomy in the light of the setting sun. Captain Thompson sat at his desk, his Bible in front of him. He held a quill in one hand and was steadying a piece of parchment with the other. After a moment, the man glanced up from his work. “Yes, Mr. Douglas?”
“I-I am concerned, Captain.”
Gage stopped his work and set his quill down. “Concerned? About what, my good man?”
Adam tore his hat from his head and passed it back and forth between his hands. “Lady Shaw, sir. She does not seem well.”
Gage’s face darkened immediately. “Aye? What do you mean?”
“I found her on the bow, sobbing. She seemed to be in great turmoil, and I am concerned for her. If anyone could do her good, I believe it would be you, Captain.”
The captain rose. “Where is she now? I must make sure she is all right.”
“She is in her cabin, but she practically fell asleep while I was there. She should not take a visitor right now.”
Chapter Twenty
Something cold twisted around Gage’s heart and tugged. What had he done? First, she became upset and stormed from the room, and now, Adam was concerned for her?
“Did…did she tell you at all what was bothering her? I was just going to give her this—” he motioned to the Bible sitting on his desk “—but if there is something else I can do for her…”
Adam’s face tightened. “Before I left her, sir…” His voice trailed off.
Gage glanced at Emma to make certain she was sleeping peacefully. “Yes, Mr. Douglas? What happened?” His pulse sped up.
“She said God doesn’t care about anyone. I…I do not hold a very strong faith myself, but that declaration from a lady like her was quite unsettling. I do not know what she is going through, but she seems quite tortured.”
****
Captain Caspian Archer stood on the foredeck of the Dawn’s Mist and stared out at the night sky. Stars twinkled white against the black of the never-ending span above him. That expanse was just as glorious and infinite as the sea around him. He sighed. Here he felt true peace. True freedom. This was where he belonged.
A soft arm slipped across his back and he grinned. This was where he belonged. “Good evening, my darling.”
Eden stretched up on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Good evening.”
Caspian circled his arms around her waist and drew her close. “We should reach Charles Town in two days, my sweet.”
Her face lit up. “Do you really think we will find him there?”
“I pray so. That’s where Gage was sailing, and I would think he would stay there for a while.” Caspian hugged his wife to his chest. “We will find your brother. I am absolutely certain of it.”
She leaned back and wrinkled her nose. “How can you be so sure?”
He smiled and placed a hand to her chest, above her heart. “I can feel it in here, milady. And I know it will happen. I can feel that God wants you to find your brother.”
Eden rested her hand atop his. “I do not know what I will do if we find him. I am not sure if I will hug him or beat him over the head for all of the fear he has caused me.”
Caspian chuckled. “You always were a feisty one, were you not, my wife?”
She gave him a saucy grin.
“It might be a shock to him when he learns his baby sister married a pirate.”
Eden lowered her lashes. “He will have to grow accustomed to it quickly. I’m not leaving you any time soon.”
“I have never known more comforting words, my sweet.” Caspian raised her hand to his lips. “Now, shall we retire to bed? It has grown quite late.”
“Aye, Captain.” Eden giggled as Caspian swept her into his arms and to their cabin.
****
Gage rose early that morning after not having slept a wink. Ivy had never come to retrieve Emma, so he had kept her in his cabin throughout the night.
Ivy must have been too exhausted to think about the little one. The child had whimpered and inquired as to where “Mama” was, but he told her she had spent the night by herself. The toddler woke up repeatedly during the night. Not that he was sleeping, however. Fear, regret, and pity for Ivy coursed through his veins and made each breath painful.
God, please. I know not what is hurting Ivy so, but please allow her to see the error of her thoughts. Please have her come back to You. For her sake, for Emma’s sake, for her brother’s sake, and for mine, too. Please, Father.
Gage paced to the other side of the cabin and peered out his porthole. The sun was beginning to rise. He rubbed his eyes. They itched from unshed tears. Although he felt awful, he had not wished to frighten Emma by crying. He glanced at the girl now. She slept peacefully.
He should go check on Ivy. Surely she felt better now that the night had passed and she had spent time reflecting on her thoughts alone. Before he left the cabin, he glanced in his tiny shaving mirror. Dark circles pooled beneath his eyes. Whiskers had sprouted across his chin and cheeks after going days without seeing a razor to trim them. Why, he looked terrible. But he didn’t have time to freshen up. He needed to see Ivy.
Gage ran a hand through his hair, trying to tame it to some extent. He didn’t want to scare the woman, for heaven’s sake. A few paces down the companionway brought him to her cabin door. He hovered outside, suddenly nervous. What should he say?
Bah! He’d left the Bible in his cabin.
Gage spun around, retrieved the Bible, and returned to his place in front of the door. Should he knock? If he knocked, the lady would probably refuse him entrance. But just attempting to open the door would be rude. He knocked. Cleared his throat. “Miss?”
No answer.
“Miss?”
Silence.
“Ivy? Lady Shaw? Are you in there? Please tell me if you are in there.” Gage tried to mask the panic in his voice as he pounded his fist on the door. Had something terrible happened to her? Oh, God, please, no. No, no, no.
Dread sank to the bottom of his gut like a stone thrown into the deep recesses of the ocean.
A muffled noise came from behind the door. “Who is it?”
Hope sprung into his heart, lightening the fear resting on his shoulders. “’Tis Captain Thompson, milady.”
“Oh. The door is locked, Captain.”
Captain? He was back to “Captain” to her? Lord, please help me get through to this woman.
“I have a key, milady.”
She groaned. Seconds passed. The door creaked open an inch at a time. Gage squeezed his way in and shut the door behind him. Lady Shaw retreated to the cot on the left side of her cabin. Her eyes were red and swollen, her fragile skin splotchy. Golden-orange hair ran loose down her back and over her shoulders in a tangled mass.
“Ivy, we need to talk.”
“That is Lady Shaw, sir. I loathe saying it, but I fear we must spend less time together for both of our sakes and for the sake of Emma. You are naught but my voyage home.” She bit her bottom lip and refused to meet his gaze.
Her words cut like a knife through his heart. His knees wobbled. Gage sank down on the cot next to her. “Ivy…”
Her chin quivered. Gage pulled her into an embrace and urged her to rest her head against his chest. She sat there stiffly, but did not attempt to leave. Wet tears streamed from her face onto his chest.
“Ivy—Lady Shaw—I apologize for upsetting you yesterday evening. It hurts me to see you like this.”
“It was not anything you did, Gage. You have been so kind to me. I have just been struggling with…my faith, I suppose. I do not wish to speak about it right now.”
Gage ran a hand down her arm. His hand wrapped around hers. “I am going to leave you for now, miss. But I have a gift for you, first.”
A frown creased her forehead. “A gift? Captain, I do not deserve a gift.”
“Shush, miss. Do not be silly.” He reached over to the table where he had set her gift and presented it to her.
Her face remained stoic as she studied the Bible, and then him. “I…I don’t understand, sir.”
Gage felt his lips tug upward in a small smile. “Flip through it when you have some spare time. I feel well enough to resume the duties as captain once more, so you may have some extra moments to spend in your cabin. I pray it helps you.”
“Oh…I suppose I will give it a try, Captain.”
“Gage?” He squeezed her hand.
She smiled timidly. “Gage.”
****
Ivy glanced down at the Bible that Gage had presented her. What was wrong with her? She had always been the strong one. Whenever Eden or Aimee had a doubt or a concern, they went straight to her. Now, she was so unstable she would not be able to help anyone else, let alone herself. And now, a pirate was helping her glue her spiritual welfare back together.
The man had certainly survived a hard life. And he still held strong to his faith, it would seem. Ivy glanced down at the Bible in her lap. What kind of pirate kept a Bible in his cabin? Nonetheless, the book was a nice amenity. Heaven knew Ivy could use it right now.
God, please forgive me for my rash words last night. I did not understand what I was thinking.
Ivy flipped the heavy book open. The pages fell to a certain spot. A small piece of parchment lay there, marking the page. She lifted it to the light drifting in from the porthole. Neat, basic handwriting scrawled across the scrap. “Trust in God to care for William. He knows what is best for both of you, sweetheart. See Psalm 40:4. Gage.”
Ivy frowned. The note had marked that page. She read the verse. “Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.”
She had not given God her trus
t. No, she had been proud and had trusted in herself and her own abilities to take care of William, not God’s. Had she really believed those lies?
What was going on, anyway? Gage put this marker here. Why did a pirate like him know so much about the Bible? For heaven’s sake, had he spent all of last night preparing this for her?
Ivy flipped to another page, where there was yet another piece of parchment. How baffling. “Psalm 118:8. Gage.” Her eyes moved further down the page to the verse. “It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.” Tears welled up in Ivy’s eyes and threatened to spill onto her cheeks. Of course it was better to trust in the Lord than in herself. God would always be there. I’m sorry, God. I have just been so afraid for him…
Ivy flipped through a few more pages, curious about how many excerpts Gage had shared with her. She stopped on another note. Her eyes scanned the verse. “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” Ivy’s heart warmed.
She paged to yet another verse. “When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.”
Ivy flipped through each verse, and felt comfort embrace her and loosen her tense muscles at each one. Gage had proven himself to be such a sweet man to think about her and go through the entire Bible just to comfort her. She owed him so much. Ivy flipped to the final page of the book. There was another note. “I realize you must not feel comfortable talking to me about your fears and your problem with trusting. That is all right. I understand. I simply want you to understand that if you ever do want someone to talk to, or if you want help with anything, I will always be here. Affectionately, Gage.”
Tears slipped down her face. The sweet man!
God, I am sorry about all of the doubts I allowed to taint my mind yesterday. Please forgive me. Also, please, if there is some way…
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