but he lined up an after-school job
at the gas ’n’ go
making five bucks an hour.
lucky shit.
the three of us stop
at farth’s market,
aka the fart mart.
jeremy uses a fake i.d.
to get a bottle of cheap sangria
and a pack of newport 100s.
i don’t like menthol,
but i keep my mouth shut.
jeremy’s buying
and i am totally broke.
outside the fart mart, we light up,
start our usual trek
along a dirt road
littered with crap
no one ever cleans up—
beer cans, food wrappers, used condoms.
just ahead
the water tower rises
like a huge blue zit from
the pockmarked pavement below.
we lean against the turquoise blue tank,
unscrew the twist top on the wine,
pass the bottle back and forth.
the warmth goes off inside me,
a bomb that quiets everything.
carol ann tells knock-knock jokes
that aren’t the least bit funny,
but i slap my knee,
pretending they are,
because laughing
feels so damn good.
when the wine is gone,
we walk into town,
mildly buzzed, wavering.
burger king smells taunt me.
i’m starving. either of you got cash?
sorry, jeremy answers,
spent all mine at the fart mart.
carol ann glances at her watch.
it’s time for dinner. i should go.
me too, jeremy says.
ma’s making meat loaf tonight.
aw—i scruff his hair—
her baby’s favorite meal.
he slaps my hand away.
jealous?
of course i am.
carol ann’s parents
are crunchy granola, and
jeremy’s mom sees a shrink,
but they’ve still got mam beat.
we’re about to go our separate ways
when larry’s brown nissan
slows to the curb beside us.
my long, skinny legs are reflected
in his mirrored sunglasses
as he leans his arm on the window ledge.
hey, good lookin’, wanna ride?
jeremy and carol ann exchange a look that says,
who’s-that-crusty-old-perv-coming-on-to-her?
so i tell them, it’s cool.
larry’s my mother’s boyfriend.
then,
because i feel lazy
and riding trumps walking,
i wave good-bye and
swing the door open.
there’s a paper bag
on the front seat.
dinner, larry explains.
you can toss it in the back.
when i move it, i peek inside.
there’s a six-pack of beer,
a bag of doritos,
and a grinder,
meatballs and sauce.
my stomach groans. majorly.
larry laughs. hungry?
i sit, buckle up. starving.
well, then—he turns down a side street—
let’s find a place to eat.
larry parks behind the train tracks.
a salvage yard’s on one side,
woods are on the other,
and the air smells like dirty socks.
we sit on the hood,
still warm from the engine,
and larry parks the bag between us.
within seconds
we’re chowing down.
larry twists the tops off two buds,
passing one my way.
it’s nice to be treated
like a grown-up for a change.
i clink my bottle against his. cheers!
how’d your day go? he asks,
a question mam never thinks of.
i shrug. the usual.
school’s not my favorite topic.
i show up. i leave.
maybe someday
i’ll graduate.
when the sandwiches are history,
larry claps crumbs off his hands,
reaches in his pocket for a smoke,
then tips the pack my way.
come on, have one.
i won’t rat ya out to your ma.
as we sit there, smoking,
larry complains about mam—
how she’s getting more headaches
and taking more pills
and never has energy for anything.
he emphasizes anything.
i read between the lines.
gross.
i don’t know how you put up with her,
i say, my words all loose and slurry,
and this time it’s larry who shrugs.
* * *
larry finishes three beers,
and i polish off two.
when i lie back on the hood,
the clouds spin
and my stomach feels like hell.
i sit up slowly, telling myself,
you will not be sick,
you will not be sick.
still, i lurch forward,
hurl orange dorito barf on larry’s fender
and all down the front of my shirt.
damn.
tears fill my eyes.
larry reaches over. hey, it’s okay.
you got something on underneath this?
i nod. yeah.
he undoes the knot
on my skanky shirt,
lifts it over my head.
i actually believe him
—that it’ll be okay—
until i notice
him staring.
hey, the top
looks great on you.
i cross my arms.
cleavage appears.
i uncross them.
larry opens the last beer and tips it back.
glugglugglugglugglugglugglug.
i close one eye because
i suddenly see two of him.
i wanna go home.
no you don’t, dez. trust me.
whaddaya mean?
i try to sit up straight
without lopping to the side,
but it’s hard.
why don’t i wanna go home?
your ma went on a royal rant.
she trashed your room today
after finding a love note
from that jerry boy.
shit! jeremy, i correct him.
what’d she say?
larry rubs his chin.
she said, i quote, if she’s sleeping
with that loser, i’ll kill her.
i roll my eyes. bitch.
larry nods like he agrees.
so, are you?
am i what?
sleeping with him.
jesus, that’s none of your business!
we’re quiet as roadkill.
clouds gobble up the sun.
a raindrop lands on my shoulder,
then another.
i slide off larry’s hood,
stumble toward the passenger side,
where i trip on something.
the ground rises up to meet me.
like a plastic straw
someone dropped
on the cafeteria floor,
larry picks me up that easily.
i wait for him to let go,
but he doesn’t.
the solid place
between his legs
hardens as he
presses against me.
heavy rain stings my arms.
my halter top sticks to my front.
larry inches me toward the car,
tips the passenger
seat forward,
waves his hand toward the back.
why don’t you climb in?
you can lay down.
you’ll feel better.
no. i wanna sit in the front.
i wanna go home now. please.
i reach to push the seat in place,
but larry sticks his arm out,
blocking me.
i.
want.
to.
go.
home.
larry doesn’t listen.
he takes my small hand in his giant one
and backs me through the open door.
i know what is about to happen.
it never occurs to me
that i can stop it.
again
i’m that
plastic straw.
larry is bending me,
bending me, lowering me
onto the ugly plaid blanket
i’ve sat on dozens of times,
doodling jeremy’s name on my jeans.
his boozy breath,
hot on my neck, whispers,
dez, i’ve wanted you for so long.
i tell him, no, no, no,
but the sound can’t leave my throat
because a shadow collapses my lungs—
a heavy shadow with chest hair
like a wiry floor mat
that scrubs and scrubs
at my bare breasts,
and i wonder,
where did my halter top go?
before i can ask
my skirt’s hiked up to my waist
and larry’s pants are unzipped.
rain pounds the windshield,
and day surrenders to night.
black birds cackle and call,
and trees fold in on the car,
enclosing us
in giant parentheses.
as the thunder rolls in,
i say good-bye.
good-bye to
the mind that was mine
and the body that was mine,
which suddenly
aren’t mine
anymore.
now
i am a speck
of something microscopic
stuck to the dome
of the ceiling light,
watching a man’s ass
pump up and down,
up and down,
watching a girl’s hair
unravel like a skein
of dark yarn,
watching her
face go blank
as a smooth stone
someone has tossed
out to sea and
possibly,
quite
possibly,
forgotten.
Ariel
Mom’s sitting at the kitchen table wearing the lavender bathrobe I bought her two Christmases ago. She’s just showered and her hair hangs in long, damp waves. She looks so young. It’s no wonder people confuse us for sisters.
As I walk into the kitchen, two slices of cinnamon-raisin bread pop out of the toaster. Mom glances up. “Honey, would you—?” she starts, but I’ve already grabbed a butter knife and plate.
I set the buttered toast beside Mom’s Earl Grey tea. When I grab a Dr. Pepper from the fridge, she gives me the evil eye and gets up to pour me an OJ instead.
“Thanks,” I say sarcastically.
Mom sits again, dunking her tea bag up and down.
I notice that her eyes are puffy. “Still thinking about the phone call?”
Mom nods. “I can’t figure out what to do. Aunt Lee’s got a book deadline coming up, and I’m not even halfway through collecting—”
“Mom, what are you talking about? What’s Aunt Lee got to do with this?”
She meets my gaze. Sometimes it gives me the creeps how much we look alike: same olive skin, high cheekbones, long dark hair. Only our eyes are different. Mom’s are brown as dark chocolate, and mine are blue like my father’s. My biological father’s, that is. Though Mom’s always quick to point out that, unlike his, my eyes are a warm, vibrant blue—like a cloudless sky or cotton candy.
Mom’s teacup comes in for a not-so-graceful landing, clunking hard against the saucer. “I need to see her.”
“But you’ll see her today,” I say, sure she means Aunt Lee. “At work. Right?”
“I’m not talking about Aunt Lee.” She swallows hard. “I need to see my mother.”
I squint, as if Mom’s a blur I’m trying to bring into focus. “But you told me you didn’t want anything to do with her, and that’s why I’ve never—”
Mom holds up a finger, shushing me. “She’s got cancer. That changes all the rules.”
* * *
It’s only mid-November, but the cold weather must have put some of our neighbors in a festive mood. As I leave for school, I notice several have hung their holiday lights. I breathe into my scarf, hoping the half-mile walk will warm me.
Olivia’s waiting for me in the usual spot—in front of the Starbucks a block from our school. She’s hovered over the steam from her latte, marching in place to keep her feet from freezing. When she sees me walking toward her, she reaches to collect her stuff off the metal newspaper box beside her. But she’s interrupted by a bleep. She flips her phone open, moving her lips as she reads. “Text from Steve,” she says without looking up. “My after-school cello lesson’s canceled. Hang on, I’m gonna answer. This’ll only take a sec.” Her thumbs fly faster than I can follow. Then she claps her cell closed and peers at me over her glasses. “God, you look terrible. What’s wrong?”
“Nice greeting.”
Liv grabs her things and we start to walk.
“I’m serious. If I could read auras, yours would be the color of pocket lint. Did you and Shane have a fight or something?”
I almost never talk about Shane with Liv. Her dad’s a psychotherapist, which has rubbed off on her; she tends to overanalyze things. “No,” I explain, “I didn’t sleep well. Last night Mom got a phone call from a hospital upstate.”
“Is someone sick?”
“Her mother.”
Liv sips her latte and her glasses fog up. “You never mentioned having a grandmother.”
“I’ve never met her. Mom and her haven’t spoken in, like, forever.”
“Then why the sudden interest?” Liv asks.
“Her mother has breast cancer.”
Liv turns to face me. “Oh, Ariel, I am so sorry.”
I shrug. “Thanks.”
We stop at the crosswalk opposite school, waiting for the light to turn.
“My mom, um,” I start. “She wants to see her.”
“Ouch. Family Dysfunction One-oh-One. Are you going too?”
The light turns and we cross.
Nervously, I laugh. “I have no clue.”
“Well, when would you leave if you did?” Without waiting for my answer, Liv adds, all dramatic, “Please don’t say this weekend. The dinner party is Friday.”
I don’t tell her that I wouldn’t have been able to make it anyway—like I said, Friday night is date night with Shane. I just frown and say, “Yeah, I know.”
On the steps up to the school a band geek carrying a trombone case cuts ahead to hold the door open for us. “Hey, Liv,” he says, smiling widely.
“Hey, Derek,” Liv says back. “See you at practice tomorrow.”
When he’s out of range, she rolls her eyes.
“A secret crush?”
“Not too terribly secret. But so not going anywhere.”
We start down the hall toward the junior homerooms. In the distance, I see Shane, waiting at my locker for me. I feel the same rush I felt the day he appeared in my study hall after transferring in from California. His eyes were so dark they looked black, his lips were full and inviting, and his thick, just-below-the-ears hair fell in shaggy waves I found myself wanting to run my fingers through. And when he stood to leave, I couldn’t help noticing how his 501 jeans hugged h
is lean but lovely backside.
Today he’s wearing his biker jacket, a Ludacris T-shirt, faded jeans, and the black Harley boots I put a dent in my savings account to buy him last month. Mom had a fit when she found out I’d spent close to two hundred dollars on a gift for someone I’d only been dating four weeks. Even Aunt Lee, who’s usually the queen of diplomacy, agreed my gift was “excessive.” But I’m sorry—they didn’t see Shane’s face light up the day he tried those boots on at the mall. Or watch his expression gray as he slipped them off. When Shane mentioned his birthday was coming up, and that his mom never gets him anything except a card—if she remembers that—I knew I’d be back for those boots.
When Shane spots me, his chin lifts.
“Doesn’t that bug you?” Liv asks. “Shane, like, having your locker open before you get there, and knowing everything you’ve got inside?”
My skin tingles as I slip into his orbit. “Why should it? He’s doing something nice for me.” Without taking my eyes off Shane, I elbow her side. “You’re just jealous.”
She shrugs. “Maybe. Look, want to do something after school? You know, since my cello lesson’s canceled? We are soooo overdue for some girl time.”
She’s right. We are. But I’ll want to check with Shane first—to see if he’s made plans for us—so I try to sound hopeful without promising anything. “We’ll talk after school, okay?”
“Sounds good.” Liv turns toward her locker. “Buh-bye.”
Approaching Shane, I try to put on a sexy smile, but I can tell my lips aren’t cooperating. They’re grinning. I probably look twelve. I’m already self-conscious enough about being the youngest junior in my class—thanks to Miss Blandford who convinced Mom I should skip third grade because my standardized test scores were so high. When you add that to the fact that I have a parent in prison for murder, it’s easy to see why I haven’t exactly been a friend magnet. But now, I’m somebody. Half of a couple. Part of an us. I belong somewhere.
“Hey, there.” Shane’s eyes travel up and down and—gulp!—they’re like fingers, caressing me. “You look appetizing today.”
I’m wearing a velour shirt with a pair of low-rise jeans I ordered online because they reminded me of Shane’s favorite pair. “Thanks,” I say, glad he noticed.
Shane leans in to kiss me. His breath is minty, and his lips are waxy and soft. When our lip-lock ends, I catch my breath and hang up my coat. Reaching for my books, I panic, remembering I have an advanced algebra and trig quiz I forgot to study for. After the phone call last night, I could barely think, so I vegged out on the futon watching Friends reruns until I fell asleep. I woke up at three in the morning—still waiting for Shane to call. Which he always does. Every night. Sometimes three or four times.
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