by Noah Harris
Barry’s heart ached as he saw the saddened look in Xanathen’s large yellow eyes. He wanted to drop to his knees and call it a night, maybe make it up to him with a loving blowjob. But he knew he couldn’t back down now.
“Just because I don’t always get along with my family doesn’t mean I never want to see them again,” Barry continued.
“I don’t understand why you would want to see them,” Xanathen rolled his eyes as he tensed up again. “You’ve told me all sorts of stories about them. How they have belittled the things you do, and said your deeds weren’t good enough. Your whole life there has been them pushing you in a direction that you don’t even want to go!”
“Love is more than just constant affection. It’s necessary, and it’s great...but part of love is being challenged, and being pulled out of your comfort zone. Showing someone constant affection isn’t really love. That is being a fan, or a doormat, or...” he trailed off, taking in the confused expression on Xanathen’s face at his use of the terminology. He slowed down as he tried to think of another word, one that Xanathen would understand. “Or a follower. Someone who believes you can do no wrong, and instead of speaking up when you’re about to go the wrong way, just follows you off a cliff. Real love changes people, for the better but also for the worse.”
“What sort of nonsense is that?” Xanathen scoffed. “It’s best to surround yourself with positive people. People who want to be around you and vice versa.”
“But that’s not what love really is. That’s idolatry. My parents weren’t always the greatest, but damn, who is? I’ve always been a bull-headed little shit. I’ve never been one to really listen. Neither have they. We always butted heads and argued and fought. But I still love them. And I know they still love me. I know they care about me, and...look, parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids. Right now, my parents probably think I’m dead. I might not be able to read minds, but I don’t think even in the middle of our most heated arguments, they’ve ever wanted me dead.”
The room fell silent as they sized each other up. Xanathen’s face continued to twist in perplexed confusion as he seemed to reflect more and more on the words Barry had spoken. His face seemed to morph between being sad, hurt, angry, confused, thoughtful, and finally back to sad. It was difficult to pinpoint what Xanathen was feeling, but Barry knew it almost certainly wasn’t positive. He stepped forward towards Xanathen and placed his hands tenderly on the scaly snout, looking deep into those golden eyes, lovingly but assertively.
“I don’t know what will happen if I see them. I don’t know what’ll happen when I come clean to them…about myself. And that scares me. But I can’t hide forever. This place is a beautiful vacation paradise. But vacations can’t last forever. You gotta go back to the grind eventually; and I know there are things I’m missing by being here. I wanna go back and fly.”
“You fly here!” Xanathen protested with an abrupt shout, blowing Barry’s hair back.
“I know. And I love it. But I also wanna be able to fly solo, too. I wanna go back to the Coast Guard, I want to go back to saving people’s lives.”
“Why would you want to go back to that life?” the dragon snarled, lifting his head, looking down at Barry haughtily.
Xanathen pulled away from Barry and began to pace again, his eyelids lowering as the lights of the room began to make them glint. He swayed as he walked, making Barry duck as he accidentally let his tail flail carelessly across the room, barely missing his curly, blond head. His sharp teeth were bared as he spoke with coldness in his voice.
“Why go back to a world that doesn’t accept you? A world that expects you to change who you are and play their role? You’re born as you are, and should only be who you are. It’s a silly notion to do otherwise. Why tell a bird to be a fish? Or is that another thing you haven’t told me about this home of yours?
“Why would you want to live in a world where you have to grind away your life? Doing things you don’t want to for meaningless shreds of paper, just because someone, somewhere proclaimed they had value. You get the things, then if you’re lucky, you’ve earned enough to be able to live. Is that right? Have I understood that correctly? Why live like that? We each only have one life to live, and it shouldn’t be wasted in a meaningless little game to collect something so—”
“Because I like a challenge,” Barry interrupted.
Xanathen paused mid-sentence, looking sharply at his lover. Barry looked more determined than ever as he seemed to glow with an aura of perseverance. There was no sign of him wearing down or losing his resolve. If this was a race, Barry would have torn ahead of Xanathen and left him clearing out his head.
“What?” Xanathen asked.
“I like a challenge. It gives my life purpose,” Barry said sternly. “I don’t know if you’ll ever understand this, but…I like living here. Love it, really. But what can I achieve with my life here? Or yours? The love-making is great. The exploring is fun, and so are the competitions. The food is fine, I have everything I need. But that’s just it. Everything I need is just here. I need more of a challenge in my life. It gives things meaning. Living without a purpose isn’t living at all, not for me. This island has given me my identity. That’s something no one, no rat race or system, can ever take away from me. But I need something to do with my life. That’s what gives me a feeling of worth.”
Xanathen stopped pacing, examining Barry further while unable to organize his feelings or thoughts. He had not been prepared for this, nor had he ever even considered the possibility. He walked back over to the bedding and curled up, while letting his gaze drift away from Barry with a defeated, somber expression. He seemed unable to keep eye contact—as if the very idea of looking at Barry would hurt him.
Barry walked up and stood beside him, still as confident as ever. “I meant what I said about wanting you to come with me,” he said softly as he leaned into Xanathen, nuzzling him with his head. “I mean, really…just imagine it! There would be a whole new world for you to discover. All sorts of things that can’t be done on this island. You can try watching movies, roller skating, and sports of all kinds with all sorts of different people. You’d get to experience all types of weather for yourself. We could live back in Florida. Maybe if I’m lucky I can get my old apartment back. I doubt it, but it’s a thought. A small apartment with just the two of us in one big, comfy bed. We’d blast the AC and crank up the music. We could meet the neighbors, make friends, and invite them over for dinner.
“You could find all sorts of things that you like, and really discover yourself as a person. You could join a gym, or maybe even take an art class. There are so many things you could be super talented at and really enjoy. You just have to get out there and try it for yourself!”
“Eventually you’d meet my parents. Maybe for Christmas or Easter or whatever. You could have your first holiday! With time, who knows? You’ll end up being part of the family. Mom’ll talk your ear off and get you a Christmas ornament every year, and Dad’ll wanna watch the game and maybe toss a ball around with you. I think he’d probably really like you. I don’t know why he wouldn’t. All we have to do is leave this place. It’ll be great!”
The two sat in silence in the spacious cavern as Xanathen mulled over Barry’s words. He quietly painted a mental picture for himself, imagining the world and the life they would live if they left the island. His expression seemed as blank as fresh winter snow, and almost as cold. As Barry continued to look on, Xanathen didn’t move, not even a twitch. He seemed as solid as a statue with his legs tucked delicately under himself and his tail curved along his side.
Barry’s curiosity boiled as Xanathen sat quietly. He didn’t seem to respond to any nonverbal gestures or any contact at all. He wondered just what the dragon thought about it all. It was a lot to take in, but surely Xanathen would accept the idea. He always seemed up to any challenge, so surely this would be nothing for him. He would probably spring up and love the idea when he realized just how many people he
could beat in various sporting events. Still, he lay there…uncharacteristically quiet, in a dark sullen cloud of his own.
Xanathen’s eyes finally flickered over to Barry as he gently nudged him. Startled, Barry fell back into the grass while he continued to look up at the dragon. At last, some form of response! He looked at the dragon expectantly, waiting for him to say something…anything at all.
Xanathen’s head slowly rose from the ground as he turned to Barry, his long neck curving as he drew himself closer. He rested his face on a patch of grass close to his human lover and let his eyes go back to staring at nothing in particular. His mouth gaped open, as he finally spoke deeply, “No.”
“No?”
“No. I simply refuse,” Xanathen said as he closed his eyes sullenly and let out a rumbling sigh.
“What?! Why not?” Barry asked.
“That’s not my world out there.”
“It can be though, if you just give it a try.”
“It’s not. I already explained it to you. This island is my home, my world. My legacy. This island was founded by my father and cultivated by his people. To leave it would be disgracing the honor of my clan and all who came before them. I can’t just leave.”
“Xanathen, do you really think your people wanted you to sit here all alone? What kind of legacy is that?” Barry protested.
“It’s the way of my people,” he replied. “Besides. As I’ve said before, even if I wanted to go, leaving this island and my illusion would be an open invitation to be killed. Not just for me, but also for you. It would be one thing to let myself die due to the Brass Dragons, and to throw away my family’s entire legacy just because I got curious. It would be another thing completely, if I were to let anything happen to you.”
“Nothing would happen!” he cried out. “I’ve flown over the ocean like a thousand times, and I’ve never seen a dragon until I was stranded on this island!”
“Are you really so dense?!” Xanathen boomed, the loudness of the voice and the reverberation caused Barry to curl over, covering his ears in pain.
Xanathen’s head craned up and his eyes flared with intensity as he looked down at Barry. His wings expanded to full size with a powerful gust, but soon curled back into themselves, coming to rest at his side. Barry unclamped his ears and looked up at him, feeling a slight trembling of fear as he couldn’t tear himself away from Xanathen’s eyes.
Xanathen stood and began to pace again with a more frantic cadence, letting his tail swing back and forth, his teeth clenched together in outrage. The room continued to shake with each heavy step, and Barry shook along with it as he sat on the ground in a state of shock.
“You finally accept that dragons exist, when there is one right in front of you! And now you’re saying that they can’t be over your ocean because you haven’t seen them?! What do you think brought you here?!”
Gasping quietly, Barry reeled back a little as Xanathen continued to walk around, nearly in a frenzy. Barry reflected as he thought of the night he had crashed, his memory honing in on the wailing of the winds, and how inhuman the wails had sounded. To him it just seemed like a vicious storm, yet nothing about it seemed right. He thought of being on the island and hearing the same mournful howl of the wind, how it shook nothing but the ground below him, and how familiar it all seemed. He remembered his ears nearly shattering at the sound as it surrounded him from all sides; the intense winds blowing his helicopter back and forth, and eventually it spiraling head first into the ocean below.
“That...that was you?” Barry finally asked, somberly.
“If you’re referring to who tossed you into the ocean, then no,” Xanathen shook his head, slowing his pace for just a moment. “That would be one of the Brass Dragons themselves. Vain, selfish creatures that only seek further glory. For as long as I have lived, and even before my father’s time, the Brass Dragons and our clan have been mortal enemies. They claim the sun itself is just a great brass dragon in the sky, shining his mighty wings. Such vain nonsense. They are as cruel as they are powerful and will take anything as a challenge of power. He most likely saw your flying machine and took it as a threat. It wouldn’t be the first time, I would guess. They’ve taken down much smaller dragons than themselves, just for flying in ‘their’ skies. They sent you into my domain, deep underwater and invisible to them.”
“So, you saved me?”
Xanathen nodded as he stopped his pacing. Barry sat and reflected on this new information. He thought back to the moment, remembering small snippets of being underwater. He recalled a large eye piercing through the water as he bobbed in the darkness of the sea, the water encasing him deep beneath the waves. Bubbles escaped from his nostrils in a panic as the world grew darker around him once again. The next thing he remembered was being on the sandy shores of the island.
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” Barry asked.
“Same reason as everything else! I didn’t know if you were a friend or a foe. After a while, it didn’t seem to matter in the great scheme of things.”
“Well...thank you…for saving me,” Barry said, still shaken, then turned his thoughts back to the dragons outside this island realm. “If you can make this island invisible, why can’t you just make us invisible?”
“Are you still stuck on that?!” Xanathen snapped sourly. He snorted and scowled, but when Barry gave no sign of budging, he meekly drooped his head.
“You’ve seen all the magic I can do, so just imagine everything an elder dragon is capable of! If they wanted to, they could hide themselves among a thousand people and never be noticed! They can do two, three times as much as I can. This island is the only sanctuary I have against the rest of them. I am blessed that my magic is good enough to hide myself here away from their eyes.”
“There’s got to be a way though.”
“There isn’t,” he spat. “My illusions can only be in one place. I can’t possibly make something as big as myself go undetected, unless I hold in place right here.”
“But you are the strongest person I’ve ever met,” Barry insisted. “You could just fight him if something happened, right?”
“I appreciate your confidence and praise. But that is perhaps the wildest thing I have ever heard,” Xanathen sighed as he wilted. “There is no way for a dragon as inexperienced as I to ever dream of standing up to dragons as old and powerful as they are. You will just have to accept that this is your home now. There is no way for us to leave this island without suffering a swift death.”
Xanathen looked down at Barry with a mournful expression in his bright, saffron eyes. His fins had finally folded over as he slowed down and curled himself into a large lump again. He seemed content to solidify himself into the stone floor and sadly avert his eyes from everything else, as if unworthy of it.
Barry kept his eyes on him, watching as Xanathen silently kept to himself. He had never once in all this time seen him with such a look of utter dejection. The bright grins of confidence seemed brighter now in comparison to this look of deep sadness. He was possibly the best actor in the world, tricking himself into loving his own solitary confinement, and showing it off as a tropical island paradise. The man who could seemingly do anything the world had to throw at him was finally defeated and lying on the floor.
There were no words left for Barry to say, or for the dragon curled between the pillars. They clung to the silence that hung heavily in the cavern with an iron grip. The tension resonated harshly between them and through the grave, cold quiet their closed lips produced, keeping them apart from each other. Neither of them felt they could bring themselves to close the gap to the other, both were more comfortable keeping the distance between them, and leaving each in their own part of the room.
Barry lay down in the pile of grass as he stared up at the ceiling, avoiding the look of the mighty dragon, and focusing on his own thoughts. He felt a fiery tingle in him, followed by a quiet feeling that suggested resentment. To him, Xanathen could do anything, and yet he
wasn’t willing to try. The two of them were an unstoppable force in his mind, but his lover didn’t feel the same drive to continue together into the unknown.
Beyond those deep, thick clouds was Barry’s world. While he knew it was far from perfect, it was filled with the challenges of life he had grown to not only expect, but that filled his life with some form of purpose. Without a hurdle to jump, he felt he was just on a pointless treadmill that would never end. With no goal, what was there to run to in the first place? He felt like he would be running in circles for the rest of time.
But there was Xanathen. He had done so much to make Barry comfortable, to make him laugh, and even feel at home here. He had listened to all the words Barry had dared not to speak before, with open ears, and showed him a beautiful world of freedom and passion. He had changed the way Barry saw the world around him, not with his illusions, but with the way he held him close and listened. Barry’s world was changed just by the way he kissed, setting everything ablaze with lust and desire. He knew he could never be the same when he learned that there was strength in being true to himself, and that there was no shame in following his true desires. Through all of the spells and magic, Barry learned more of the truth. Through flying freely in the air, he felt more grounded and solid in himself.
Even just the little things Xanathen did brought a smile to his face. The way he would laugh and lean in close, nibbling at Barry’s ear, would light up the world around them. His enthusiasm to show him every little detail of the island was infectious with its positivity. The constant physical trials or games, designed to show Barry what he could do, just drove Barry to continue to try harder, making himself a better person.
Xanathen was deeply embedded in his heart, and Barry knew he wouldn’t be able to get him out. He would be there forever, no matter how far away he may go. If Xanathen wasn’t by his side, he knew that he would at least have the sweet memories of lying in their cave while caressing each other in the gentle light, or soaring through the clouds above and out across the water. There wasn’t a thing on this earth that could tear away the memory of their first kiss and the hot tingling feeling that spread across his body every time he thought about it. Xanathen had freed him to be a man of his own making, and even if he wasn’t there physically, he would always be there in spirit.