The irony wasn’t lost on me.
“Sienna?” Austin said to me now.
It was evening. I’d just had dinner with Jackson at the Milling Room on the Upper West Side, and Austin was driving me home for the night after the paps had captured Jackson giving me a searing kiss goodnight when we’d dropped him at his apartment.
Over the past three weeks, Austin and I had come to know one another much better, but since I didn’t trust myself around him—because I couldn’t deny my attraction to him—I’d stonewalled him every time he’d revealed his increasing attraction to me. Often it was just with a telling look. Other times it was with the gentle yet reassuring way he’d touch my arm when the paparazzi became too much and he sensed I was becoming overwhelmed by them.
Like me, he was also struggling with our mutual attraction, which I could feel every time we were near each other. But since I was pretty much owned by Jackson for the next seven months, Austin and I had done our best to be professionals and not allow our chemistry to show. Austin was loyal to Jackson, and he was excellent at his job. I now understood why Harper had said that any A-list celebrity would crave to have Austin and his team as his or her personal security detail. After seeing him in action these past few weeks, I got it.
“What’s up?” I said.
He looked at me in the rearview mirror, moved to speak, but then shook his head. “Sorry,” he said. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing always means something,” I said. “What’s on your mind?”
“It’s not a big deal. Never mind.”
“Well, you can’t do that to me now,” I said, suddenly curious. “What is it?”
“It’s just a personal observation.”
Personal? I thought. You and I should go nowhere near anything personal, Austin.
Still, since I couldn’t help myself after being lured with that kind of bait, I naturally charged forward.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Every time I’ve driven you home this week, you’ve seemed unhappy.”
“I’ve seemed unhappy?”
“You have. I know you’re going through a lot right now. Over the years, I’ve seen firsthand how isolated Jackson feels at times, but he has me to talk to. I was wondering if you had anyone to talk to, because this business can be tough. You two are seriously putting yourselves out there right now. Every day it gets more and more intense, especially when you’re out in public. It can’t be easy for you, particularly since you’re still relatively new to all this.”
Had he been reading my mind? Or could it be that the highs and lows of my life were becoming clear to those in my inner circle? Likely the latter. Obviously I also needed to act for Austin, because this was the last conversation I wanted to have with him. If I opened up to him, it would take our relationship to a more personal level. And if only for the sake of my heart, which I had to protect, I needed to keep our relationship restricted to business. If I didn’t, it would just overcomplicate everything.
“I have Harper,” I said. “And Julia. We talk every day.”
“Are they enough? Do you have anyone else you can talk to?”
“Because of the contract, I can’t discuss my relationship with Jackson with anyone who doesn’t know about it,” I said. “Remember?”
“Right,” he said.
“Why the interest, Austin?”
He locked eyes with me in the rearview.
“Can I be frank?”
“Of course you can.”
“Are you sure?”
How bad can it be?
“Say what’s on your mind.”
“You look fucking miserable,” he said in a frustrated voice. “And for the past several nights, nothing has changed. I’ve been watching you, and I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t be,” I said. “I’m tougher than you think I am, Austin—and in more ways than you know, because I’ve gone through hell to get to where I am today. I can handle this.”
“Can you? Because as we’ve gotten to know one another over these past few weeks, it’s hard for me not to worry about you when I see you looking so unhappy. Just a moment ago, when you were lost in thought, you looked like you wanted to jump out of the car and take the first flight out of the States. Are you aware of that?”
“Not exactly…”
“Well, it’s true. You did. And since we’re being frank here, you also should know something else. Because I can’t keep this to myself anymore.”
“What can’t you keep to yourself?”
“That I can’t get you out of my head,” he said. “Because of my job, I’ve tried my best to reveal none of that to you, but I also know that I haven’t always succeeded. Being near you and not telling you how I feel is starting to feel like a fucking lie. And I don’t want to keep lying to you anymore.”
“Austin,” I warned, “we can’t go there. We need to keep things professional between us. We talked about this weeks ago, when you asked if I’d like to grab a burger with you. I thought this was settled.”
“Back then I didn’t know you as well as I do now. But over these past few weeks, look at how well we’ve come to know one another. Whenever I take you home for the day, we talk. And at this point, we’ve shared so much with one another that I feel as if I know you. The real you. Yes, we’ve made an effort to keep things light, but that effort is starting to eat away at me. Tell me it isn’t doing the same to you.”
Startled by what he was saying, I said nothing.
“Look, Sienna, I know I’m going out on a limb here, but life is too short not to admit that I haven’t felt this way toward a woman in years. I’m attracted to you. Beyond that, Jackson will never feel what I feel for you because he’s gay. And you know what? I also sense that you’re attracted to me. In fact, I know you are, because I see it on your face when you steal glances my way whenever we’re together. I can see it in your eyes when you think I’m not looking at you because I’m wearing sunglasses. I can’t stand all the things that are going unsaid between us, which is why I’m opening up to you now. I want the chance to get to know you better, and I don’t want to wait another seven months to do so. There are ways for us to be discreet, and you can trust me on that—especially since I’ve successfully concealed plenty of Jackson’s rendezvous over the years. I can tell you with certainty that if you’d give me a chance and go out on one date with me—just one—nobody would know about it.”
“You can’t guarantee that, Austin,” I said. “With so much attention focused on Jackson and me right now, neither of us knows when or if a photographer will be waiting outside my apartment one night, hoping I’ll be entering it with Jackson. And because you can’t protect me from that, seeing you isn’t a chance I can take.”
“I disagree,” he said.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t.”
“Sienna, what I’m proposing is dinner at my apartment, not out in public. Compared to Jackson and you, I’m a nobody, for God’s sake. I’m a security guard. And because of that, no paps have ever waited for me at my apartment. But since I understand your concern about being exposed, I have a way to get you into my apartment without your ever being seen or followed.”
“How?” I asked.
He told me how—and I had to admit it was ingenious.
“I’ve seen your schedule for tomorrow,” he said as we neared my apartment building. “Jackson is shooting all day. You’ll be on set with him for a few hours in the morning, but that’s it. You’re free all evening. Same goes for me. Have dinner with me.”
I want to, I thought as I studied his determined profile from the seat behind him. More than you know, because I’d also like to see if I’m just physically attracted to you or if what I’m feeling is something deeper. But why can’t we just wait to find out?
I stopped myself when I thought that, because I knew that if I did wait, there was every possibility that he could meet somebody else in the meantime. And what if he fell for her? What then? If I didn’t agre
e to this, I might never know if I’d missed out on something great.
Reason with him…
“Austin, the kind of money Jackson is offering me will change my life. I’ve been poor for so long that I can’t risk that. I need you to understand that.”
“So, let me be clear on this,” he said. “Are you saying that you’re a prisoner in this contract? That you’re unable to see friends at their apartment? Because at this point, that’s all we are, Sienna—friends.”
“If we were found out, it could be interpreted as something else, and Harper, Mimi, and Jackson would have my ass. They might see it as a breach of contract.”
“Not if I told them that you were feeling overwhelmed and had come to me seeking advice on how to deal with the paps.”
“So, we’re to lie to them?”
“How is that a lie? You are overwhelmed right now. All of us know it.”
I was. It was true. And everyone did know it. Was that the way around this? I thought about it for a moment…and decided that it was.
If you’re going to do this, do it with humor to lighten the mood…
“First things first,” I said to him.
“What’s that?”
“Seriously? Isn’t it obvious?”
“Should it be obvious?”
“Oh, come on—naturally I’m wondering if you cook. Because after so many years of having to eat on the cheap…let me tell you a little secret, Austin. These past few weeks with Jackson have spoiled the hell out of me. I mean, who would ever have thought that someone like me would find themselves having dinner at the Four Seasons, for instance? I mean, let’s get real here. I spent my entire youth shoveling cow and chicken shit. Before Jackson came into my life, grabbing a pretzel for dinner at some shady street vendor was the way I used to roll.”
“That can’t be true,” he said with a laugh.
“And there you go—laughing at my shame.”
“To ease your fears, you should see how well I cook.”
“What types of cuisines have you mastered?”
“You name it,” he said. “I can do anything.”
“Anything?” I said. “With the exception of Meryl Streep, who can do anything?”
He looked over his shoulder and clocked me with a wicked grin. “Me,” he said. “Because what I’ve really mastered is the art of takeout. And when it comes to this city, I know exactly who to call for the best of the best. You want a slice of pizza that will blow you away? I’ve got you covered. Love Thai? I’ll tire you out with the city’s best Thai. Voulez-vous quelque chose de français? Je peux aussi le trouver.”
“You speak French?” I asked.
“It’s a romance language. Naturally I speak French. And Italian. My tongue is talented that way.”
He’s quick, I thought as desire burned through me. And funny. And smart.
“Sienna, whatever you want is at my fingertips. You just need to ask for it.”
That’s what I’m afraid of, Austin. Your fingertips and where I might want them on my body if I agree to go through this with you…
Still, since I wanted to live my life without regrets, I knew I did have to go through with this, if only to see if something was there. And I mean really there. Austin took sexy to levels not many men possessed…at least in my experience. So, either there was something between us or there wasn’t. I needed to find out. After so many weeks of sexual tension building between us, it was time to give this a fair shot. If our night fell flat, we’d simply move forward as friends. But if it didn’t, and we did connect, we’d need to move forward into the unknown.
“What do you say?” he asked.
That’s the thing, I wondered. Can I handle the unknown?
“Are you in?”
“I’m thinking.”
“If you have to think, then you already have your answer.”
Busted.
“OK,” I said. “I’m in—provided you choose the menu well.”
“But don’t you see?” Austin said as he cruised to a stop in front of my apartment building. “The fact that I know how to choose well has just been established.”
“How’s that?”
“Have a look at my date for tomorrow night, Sienna.”
I couldn’t help but smile when he said that.
“So, I’ll see you tomorrow at the shoot—and then I’ll see you tomorrow night for dinner.”
It wasn’t a question—it was a statement.
Is this really happening? I wondered as he got out of the car and came around to open my door for me. Please tell me that I haven’t made a mistake…
When he offered me his hand, I took it, stepped out of the car, and emerged into the lights and sounds of the city. And as I did, I not only felt the electricity of his touch, but by standing so close to him on the curb, I could smell the faintest scent of him. He smelled distinct. Masculine. Earthy. And it was all him, because I didn’t detect a trace of cologne.
“Good night, Sienna,” he said after he’d walked me to my building’s entrance.
“Good night, Austin,” I said, meeting his gaze with my own. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“And tomorrow night?”
“And tomorrow night.”
And hopefully with a fresh face and bright eyes. Because as I entered my building and took the stairs up to my apartment, I already knew that tonight would hold no sleep for me.
CHAPTER TEN
And since I knew sleep wouldn’t come, the moment I stepped into my apartment, I checked my watch, saw that it was just past nine, and I decided to call the one woman I’d been friends with for so long that I could trust her with anything—Julia Jacobs, who lived nine blocks away from me but in far better digs.
“Julia?” I said when she answered her cell.
“Hey!” she said. “How was your dinner with Jackson tonight?”
“It was good,” I said. “He continues to be on point and professional. I think we’re at the point where we’re becoming friends.”
“Well, that’s good to hear,” she said. “And a relief. So, you’re home?”
“Just got here.”
“Why do you sound out of breath?”
“Because shit just got real.”
“What kind of shit?”
“Unpredictable shit. Potentially life-changing shit.”
“Well, shit,” she said. “What does that shit even mean?”
“Are you busy right now? Because I seriously need to talk with someone. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.”
“Busy?” she asked. “Here’s how ‘busy’ I am, Sienna. I’m sitting in my living room watching Ina Garten teach me how to make meatballs the proper way, which apparently means rolling them lightly between the palms of your hands so you don’t compress them. Because if you do that, apparently they get tough, which likely is why mine always feel like you’re biting into a shoe. So, I’m learning. And by the way, allow me to officially welcome you into my fabulous life as a single woman in Manhattan, which ironically happens to be filled with attractive, single men.”
“The right man will come along one day for you, Julia. You’re just being careful and selective, as you should be.”
“Sienna, I’m three years shy of being thirty. My ovaries are about to go into high alert. And just so we’re clear, I’m pretty much on the verge of signing up to Elite Singles. I’ve already downloaded the app, for God’s sake.”
“Tell me you haven’t signed up,” I said in alarm.
“I haven’t been able to bring myself to that point—yet,” she said.
“You won’t do it on my watch,” I said. “God only knows what will come your way if you are foolish enough to go there.”
“I’ve heard it can be a freak show,” she said.
“Then, listen to the critics. When all this is behind me and Jackson, you and I can start going out again. We can do the circuit like we used to do. Maybe that way, you’ll meet an interesting guy.”
“Sienna,
you’re a celebrity now.”
“Please don’t say that. I’m still just me.”
“I know that’s how you feel—and I cherish that person. But let’s face it—right now you are owned by the world, and we need to acknowledge that. Because of your fake relationship with Jackson, your life has changed forever.”
Which is nothing I want to face right now.
“You know what?” I said, wanting to change the subject.
“What’s that?”
“Watching the Contessa making meatballs actually sounds kind of relaxing to me.”
“After what you’ve been through these past three weeks, I imagine it would.”
“Are you free to come over?” I asked. “For an hour or so, because I need to talk to someone who is sane. And just so you know, that person wouldn’t be facing me if I looked into a mirror. I’ve got wine, vodka, and tequila at the ready. If they don’t entice you, we can talk by phone.”
“Give me twenty, and I’ll be there,” she said.
“Really?” I said.
“I’ll always have your back, Sienna. I’ve had it ever since Harper signed you—just as you’ve always had mine.”
“You’re the best,” I said. “Thanks, lovecat. I really do appreciate it!”
“That’s the thing about you, Sienna,” she said. “I know that you do. See you soon, OK?”
“Can’t wait,” I said.
When I hung up the phone, I still felt overwhelmed by everything Austin had said to me in the limousine but better now that I knew my best friend was coming over to guide me through all of it.
* * *
Twenty minutes later, when Julia took the three flights of stairs that led to my cramped, one-bedroom apartment, I saw the sheen of sweat on her face when she breezed past me without a word and instead went straight into the living room, where an air conditioner hummed in one of the two windows that faced the street.
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