“All right,” she said, sinking into my sofa and curling her legs beneath her. “Make the martinis. We’ll have a drink, and you can tell me everything I don’t know.”
“Are you going to stare at me in judgment?”
“I was only joking about that,” she said. “But since I care about you, it’s still your job to convince me that this is really happening.”
After I made the martinis, I gave her hers, sat next to her on the couch, and filled her in on everything I hadn’t told her that morning. When I was finished, she looked at me for a moment before she nodded at the roses on the coffee table.
“Are those from him?” she asked.
“They are.”
“Well,” she said. “I have to say that they’re beautiful.”
“They are.”
“But how do you know if it’s love and not lust?” she asked.
“Because I’ve been in love before—with Eric. Ironically, I used to lust after the likes of Jackson Cruise when I was just a fan of his and not his friend. I know the difference, Julia—and it’s profound.”
“Well,” she said with a sigh as she put her empty martini glass down on the coffee table. “Maybe a lot of this is just on me, Sienna, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.”
“Never?” I said in surprise. “What about Michael?”
“Look, Michael was a great guy. But did he or any of my other boyfriends rock my world the way Austin clearly has rocked yours? Did any of them catch me off guard and set me on my ass the way Austin and Eric did to you? No. You and I were friends when you met Eric. I remember how taken you were with him. I remember how much in love you were with him, how excited you were just to be with him. And then how crushed you were when he decided to throw it all away by sleeping with that bitch. I’ve never experienced anything close to what you’ve experienced in your life, so who am I to judge what love feels like when I don’t think I’ve ever felt it myself?”
I sensed we were about to go somewhere deeper into our friendship than we’d ever gone before, so I nodded at her empty glass.
“Another martini, doctor?” I asked.
“Consider me premed. But, yes—another martini would be great.”
When I returned with our drinks, this time we touched glasses when I sat next to her.
“So, you’re in love,” she said.
It wasn’t a question—it was a statement.
“I am.”
“What does it feel like?” she asked. “How do you even know?”
“Those are two very different questions, so let’s start with the second one, because it leads into the first.”
“OK.”
“How did I know that I’d fallen in love with Austin? It wasn’t when we made love, although that was off the charts. It wasn’t when he sent me the flowers or the food or when he played that Mariah Carey song for me—although all those things certainly contributed to how I now feel about him. I think I didn’t realize how deeply I felt for him for a few reasons. First is what Eric did to me, which made me create a wall around myself that I wanted no one to get through. Second, I’ve been so busy with Jackson that I haven’t had time to process my feelings for Austin—until I was forced to.”
“When did that happen?”
I told her about the conversation I’d had with Jackson on the yacht and how he’d realized he’d fallen in love with Ash the moment Ash had told him that he was prepared to leave Jackson if he couldn’t fully be there for him.
“That’s when it hit me,” I said. “The same day Austin told me he was falling in love with me, he also said he was going to distance himself from me, which he has…for reasons I’ve already told you.”
“The whole not-wanting-to-be-a-distraction thing,” she said.
“That’s right. When Jackson’s own story pulled my true feelings for Austin out of me, it was like light bulbs going off all around me. At that moment, the idea of losing him was such a massive punch to my gut that I couldn’t ignore it. If I’d felt nothing for him, I could easily have just walked away from him. But after listening to Jackson’s story—and listening to my own heart—I realized I couldn’t. I knew then that I was in love with Austin. So, to answer your first question about what love feels like—what I felt when I thought I might lose him was so profound that I felt gutted. There’s something about him that makes him singularly special, and I saw it right then and there, just as he was about remove himself from my life—which he’s already done as much as he could. I was in love with him before I even knew I was in love with him. And because he’s doing his best to shut me out of his life right now, I somehow need to find a way to tell him what I feel for him.”
“And yet you can’t with David around?”
“That’s right. Because if I did, there’s a chance it would get back to Mimi and Jackson, and that might put my contract at risk. I need to get Austin alone. But with David in the picture, I’m not sure I can.”
“Austin said he’d wait for you,” she said. “Why doubt him?”
“Because seven months might as well be a lifetime. Austin is a catch, Julia—you know that. Why should I believe for one moment that another woman won’t come along who will catch his eye? He’s a single man. He has his needs. Somehow I have to get in front of this and tell him how I feel before it’s too late.”
“How will you do that?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, “but I will. You know how persistent I can be. I’ll find that crack in his door, and when I do, I plan to bust straight through it.”
“A door…” Julia said, almost to herself. “That’s exactly what you two need.”
Confused, I just looked at her.
“What are you talking about?”
“We need to get you two alone behind a closed door.”
“And how is that going to happen with David hovering around us? Please, do your best to enlighten me.”
“Harper’s day is filled with meetings—you know that. And most of them take place away from her office. Especially when she has one of her three-hour lunches with a client or a studio head, which happens at least two or three times a week.”
“But what does that have to do with Austin and me?”
“Sweetie, cookie, baby—just settle down and listen to Julia, OK? You’re in a fake relationship with Jackson, right?”
“Obviously, although I have come to adore him.”
“Fine. In fact, good! But how about if I set up a fake meeting between Harper and Austin? Only when Austin arrives, he won’t know she’s at one of her three-hour lunches. I’ll let him inside, get him some coffee, and ask him to sit down and relax because Harper’s running late. That’s when you’ll arrive. And that’s when I shut the door behind you two. Whoops! Look at that—you two, alone together. What are you two going to talk about? I don’t know…maybe about how you feel about him.”
“Who are you?” I asked. “What kind of sorcery do you wield that I never knew about?”
“I might be loveless, but I’ve always been crafty, Sienna. I just don’t always show it, which is crafty of me, wouldn’t you say?”
“What you’re proposing is actually kind of brilliant,” I said. “But it’s also risky, don’t you think?”
“Actually, no. I mean, who’s going to spill the beans, even when Austin figures out that he was set up? You? No. Austin? He wouldn’t do that to you. Me? Ditto. Harper? She’ll be clueless.”
“He’ll be pissed at me for this.”
“Maybe he will, but what matters more to you: his momentary anger or telling him how you feel about him?”
“You already know the answer.”
“Good. So, shall I set up the meeting?”
“I have to do something, Julia. I need to get in front of this.”
“Then, I guess I’m setting up the meeting.”
“Now I feel like I’m going to barf.”
“Don’t you dare!” she said. “That bottle of Goose set me back sixty bucks. You are so
not going to barf.”
“Do you think it’ll work?” I asked her.
She shrugged at me. “I don’t know, but what do you have to lose?”
“Nothing,” I said.
“Then, I say we give this a try. I say that we get Austin alone with you so you can tell him you’re in love with him. This is our best chance for that to happen. As for me, Harper’s schedule is so predictable, I already know I can make this work. But for the rest of it to work?” She tossed back the rest of her martini before she looked at me. “That’s up to you, sugar. So, bring it. Work it. Make him believe it. Because if you don’t, I don’t know what lies ahead for you when it comes to him. And that concerns me.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
New York City
August
Unfortunately, Julia’s plan didn’t work. The day before the meeting, Austin had reached out to Harper himself to see if he could reschedule. Since there was in fact no meeting, Harper had gone to Julia, asking why it had been scheduled in the first place. Crafty Julia told me she’d simply said that she must have misheard Harper in one of their morning meetings.
“I thought you’d asked me to set up a meeting between Austin and you,” she’d said. “Sorry about that, Harper.”
“Not a problem,” Harper had said. “I throw so many things at you each morning, it’s a wonder you can even keep up.”
And that was fucking that.
Over the next four weeks, as my repeated attempts to get Austin alone failed time and again, my frustration kept growing as he continued to put distance between us. Whenever he spoke to me, it was only about business, and David was always within earshot. Whenever he took me home—as he was today after my lunch with Jackson—David was with us, because just getting into my apartment these days was nothing short of a nightmare. The paparazzi was always there, and then there were Jackson’s fans, who continued to show up to catch a glimpse of the woman who’d somehow snagged one of the world’s most eligible bachelors.
From the back seat, I studied Austin’s profile as we drove down Fifth toward my apartment, and I wondered. Did he ever steal glances at me? Since he always wore sunglasses, I never really knew. Did he feel the ache that I felt? Or did he have the ability to put his feeling aside and not let them interfere with his job? Most of the time I was able to conceal how I felt, but other times I felt so desperate that I just couldn’t. I was only human, and during those times when he was forced to talk to me, sometimes I looked right at him so he could see how distraught I felt. Not that it had made any difference between us—he’d reacted to none of it.
“Austin,” David asked, “would you mind doing me a favor, buddy?”
“Sure,” Austin said. “What’s up?”
“Sharon just sent me a text,” he said, referring to his wife. “If it’s OK with Sienna, would you mind stopping at Symphony Cleaners between Thirty-Fifth and Thirty-Sixth? It’s right on the way, and it would save me a trip.”
“We should probably get Sienna—”
“That’s fine by me,” I blurted out, realizing with a sense of shock that with David out of the car, I was finally about to have my moment alone with Austin. “Stop at the cleaners, Austin. Let’s help David out.”
“Thanks, Sienna.”
Thank you, David!
“No problem,” I said. As I looked at Austin in the rearview, I could literally feel his eyes burning into mine, despite his sunglasses. “I’m in for the night, anyway. There’s no hurry to get me home.”
As we continued down Fifth, my mind raced.
What would I say to him?
The truth…
What if he gave me pushback?
Push back yourself…
What if he tried to shut me down?
Don’t allow him to, because you’ve just been given a gift, and you need to use that gift to make Austin aware of exactly how you feel. He doesn’t know that you’re in love with him. Now’s your chance to tell him to his face that you are—so, do it. And you’d better convince him.
As we came upon Symphony Cleaners, I saw a line of people standing outside the store, waiting to get in.
“This could take a while,” Austin said to David. “We should take Sienna home, and then I’ll bring you back.”
“Austin, we’re here,” I said. “Pull the car over, and let David out. He’s watched over me for the past four weeks, and he’s done a terrific job. It’s time for me to pay a kindness to him, regardless of how small it is. I insist.”
With a barely audible sigh, Austin pulled the car over. As he came to a stop, he switched on the hazard lights—which I thought was ironic, since this particular hazard was about to come his way.
“Be back as soon as I can,” David said.
And then he was out of the car, and Austin and I were alone.
“Take off your sunglasses,” I said to him. “Look at me.”
“Why?”
“Because I need you to.”
“Sienna—”
“Take of your goddamned sunglasses,” I said. “Be a man. Look at me, for God’s sake. This has gone on long enough. I can’t stand it anymore. I’m at my wit’s end when it comes to you.”
He sat still for a moment, and then he just shook his head, removed his glasses, and looked at me in the rearview.
“I’m in love with you,” I said.
That jolted him into a motionless pause.
“You’re in love with me?” he asked after a moment.
“I am,” I said. “I’m in love with you. And I can’t stand us like this. I hate this distance you’ve been putting between us. Because I am in love with you, Austin. I can’t get you out of my head. I think about you all the time. I want you to hold me again. To kiss me again. Make love to me again. I just want to be with you again…but you’re making that impossible, which is killing me. You said you were falling in love with me. If that’s no longer the case, then please just tell me now. I’ll get over it in time, and then we can just work together without—”
“I am in love with you!” he shouted, slamming his fists against the steering wheel and then turning around to face me. Startled, I just looked back at him. His eyes weren’t just heated and wild—they were also filled with longing and frustration.
“Do you think any of this has been easy for me?” he asked. “It hasn’t! Not being able to touch you, to talk to you, and to take you into my arms and make love to you has fucked me up! But, Sienna, come on! Understand this: because of me—and me alone—you were sexually assaulted, and I can’t allow that to happen again. You have to allow me to be at my best.”
“I did not get assaulted because of you!” I shouted.
“Yes, you did!” he countered. “I wasn’t enough for you. I failed you in that moment. And when we got into your apartment and I heard you tell Harper on the phone what had happened to you, I swore to God that I’d never let that happen to you again. So, yes, I’ve put distance between us. But I also told you that I’d be there waiting for you at the end of your contract. Did you think that was just some kind of a joke? Do you think I’d just casually say that? That’s not who I am. I meant what I said. As each day passes, I say good riddance to it, because it means that soon we’ll be able to be together again. Not being with you has been hell for me, but what can I do? You’re no idiot. You see for yourself how crazy your life has become. And because of that, you need to be present and in the moment so you can also protect yourself. You can’t afford to be distracted right now, Sienna, and neither can I. Your safety relies on each of us being mindful when you’re out in public.”
“Well, guess what?” I said. “The opposite has happened, Austin. Ever since you shut me down, I’ve never been more distracted or preoccupied in my life.”
“I told you I’d wait for you—what else do you need to hear from me?”
“Maybe I don’t want to hear anything,” I said, leaning toward him. “Maybe what I need is this.”
When I moved in to kiss him, he hesita
ted before our lips collided against each other and finally—finally!—we became one again. And when that happened—when we allowed ourselves to become unleashed—my heart soared. As his tongue thrust into my mouth with force and meaning, I felt his heart touch my own in ways that underscored his deep hunger and need for me. As he continued to kiss me with a passion I’d never felt before, he claimed me in waves of such pent-up desire that it was overwhelming—but in the best of ways.
He is in love with me, I thought. I can feel it. I know it. He’s right where I am…but with walls built higher than my own.
He twisted himself around in his seat, took my face in his hands, and kissed me as if he’d never kissed me before. But this kiss was different from the others we’d shared. This kiss spoke volumes about longing, need, and love. Tears welled in my eyes that this period in our lives was finally behind us, and I gave everything I had back to him. As we continued to kiss, I stroked my fingers through his thick black hair and tugged on the back of it. I pressed the palm of my hand against his rock-solid chest and felt his heart hammering against it. When I broke away from him, I said in his ear, “I’m in love with you, Austin Black. After my last relationship, never in a million years did I ever think I’d be here again, but I am. And I’m grateful for it, because I never expected to find love again. Or even to be open to love again, which I am—and it’s with you. All I think about is you. You need to know that.”
He kissed me when I said that, and then he looked quickly over his shoulder and searched for David on the street. I also looked, and since there was no sign of him, he’d obviously made it into the store. He could be back with us at any moment.
“Sienna, listen to me now.”
“What’s to listen to?” I asked. “It’s done. We both know how we feel. We both know we’re in love. And because this horror show is finally behind us, we can be together again.”
“No,” he said quietly to me. “The only thing that’s changed today is that we’ve acknowledged our feelings for one another.”
Bewildered, I just looked at him.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
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