Psycho-Analysis: The Beginning

by Nuza, Catherine;

  I listened to his gravelly voice, mesmerized by how similar he looked like me. I felt entranced by his words and was pleased to be getting more of the missing pieces to the puzzle that was my life. He had a natural ability to show expressions that intrigued me as I listened to him. It made me wonder if my well-rehearsed expressions were just as convincing as his.

  “They took the two of you away with them and placed poor mother in the mental institution. It is horrific. Somehow or other father managed to get a friend of the family to look after me, and so I grew up in their care. By the time I was fifteen I wanted to see mother so she used to sneak out of the mental institution to see us. It got harder and harder to say goodbye, so one day she decided she wouldn’t go back. They never came looking for her; they didn’t care one bit. You know how that feels don’t you Khedlar? She settled in a different part of town at first and changed her appearance to make it look like she had only moved house. She took us in, found a job and dad joined us so we could resume a normal life as a family. Now you are here too. We are a real family again in the original house we started in. I could never forgive our aunts for what they did to us for their own personal gain,” he said starting to show anger in his voice.

  “Calm yourself son,” mother interrupted. She turned to look at me with an exhausted expression. “Your brother is an extremely intelligent man who loves to read and learn, although he does have a fire inside of him,” she laughed. “At times he finds it quite hard to handle. It’s his best and worst quality,” she explained showing high admiration for his personal weakness.

  “So why in your letter did you say my brother had found you when he was here all along? It was a different brother, one I didn’t know. You lied to me.” I sat back in my chair, still feeling confused as I waited for an adequate response. I was losing my patience with her rotating game on words.

  “Yes, I admit I did say something along those lines but I wanted to give you a bit of incentive to come here. I just thought that if I said that Demetrius was here, you wouldn’t think twice about it,” she said hiding her eyes from me. She started to look uncomfortable as she glanced at her expensive, gold watch. “Is that the time already?” she remarked.

  I looked at my watch and the minute hand had just struck 2am.

  Mother looked at father as he helped her up from her chair. “Sleep well my love, it’s lovely to have you home,” she said in a sickly sweet tone of voice.

  “Night,” I replied as I watched them all leave the room. I tore off my masks when they left and cried out in frustration of the person, the beast they had created… me.

  Chapter 23

  Expect the Unexpected

  That night I tossed and turned in my oversized bed. The sheets felt as if they were strangling me as they got tighter and tighter, pulling and tugging at my skin. I could feel I was trapped in a nightmare as the bedding clung to my sweat drenched body. I was in a bland, bare walled office looking at some papers that were on the desk. Numbers started to lift off the pages and drift into the air before my startled eyes. I began to feel boiling hot as the palms of my shaking hands started to sweat. I peered across the office and saw a human sized bulge emanating from the far wall. I could feel my feet dragging as I reluctantly tried to get nearer to it. Every part of me screamed to stay away but I was being magnetically propelled towards it by my curiosity. My heart was pounding, my chest sweating and my vision seemed to warp as I got closer.

  The wall was decorated in purple paper and I was irrevocably drawn to the colour as tears trickled down my face. Remembering Sue and how she loved the colour tore my heart to pieces. The form appeared to change shape as if the wallpaper was moving, breathing and alive. The smell of popcorn and candyfloss flooded my senses drawing me back to reluctant childhood memories. Carnival music was haunting the space before me as my legs seemed stuck. They felt like they were immersed in concrete so solid I could barely feel the blood circulating to my numbed toes. I angrily wiped the unwanted tears from my eyes and drew even closer.

  I could hear mumbling coming from the wallpaper as if someone was trying to talk from behind it.

  “Who are you?” I asked and the muffled voice grew louder. I looked over to one of the desks and saw a metal letter opener. I grabbed hold of it in my cold sweaty hand and started to viciously stab holes into the wall’s surface. I grabbed at the torn ends and started to rip the paper off in strips, trying to uncover the form that lay beneath. As I pulled the layers away, colourful fabric popped in contrast with the pitch black darkness. I tore at the paper frantically, eager to expose what was lurking just beneath the surface. My skin was crawling as scraps of paper fell by my feet, dust was floating as airborne seeds of dirt and germs settled all over my body. I worked on the last piece which covered its face. I could see the wallpaper bend and fall into its gaping mouth. It was inhaling the purple strips with every breath, coating it in dripping droplets of frothy saliva. I took a deep breath in and removed the last piece as my lungs felt suffocated watching the gasping figure.

  It was a clown, he looked straight at me and his eyes were familiar, they looked like mine. I’d only just had the time to briefly look at his face when he dropped to the floor and started rocking in a ball of colour, crying and saying something under his breath. Even his cries seemed to echo and didn’t sound human as they trailed off joining the darkness. I placed my hand on his shoulder to stop the rocking and the clown started to laugh. A laugh so sinister it sent an icy shiver down my spine. His laughter grew louder and louder as he stood up to face me.

  “Lost something Khedlar?” he asked as his face fell into a demonic grin. He was holding Dede, my stuffed rabbit toy I’d had when I was a boy.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked this demented clown. He snickered at me as if he knew something that I didn’t. I snatched for my rabbit but came back empty handed.

  “Can’t you see it, can’t you feel what is happening to you?” the clown said revealing his pointed yellowed teeth.

  “What, what is it I can’t see?!” I asked feeling desperation and panic setting in.

  The clown dissolved into the darkness and my nightmare was finally over.

  I woke up sweating, feeling dizzy and disorientated. I was panting as I wiped the sweat from my face. I breathed a sigh of relief and wondered who the clown was and what I was missing? What was it I couldn’t see? I got out of bed, staggered over the bathroom and splashed icy cold water onto my face. Once I’d composed myself I decided the time had come to confront my Aunt Morgan. She won’t play games with my mind any more, she would pay for what she had done to me, they all will!

  I had calmed myself down by consoling myself with the knowledge that I was finally getting to the truth that was my life. Bit by bit everything was falling into place and starting to make sense in my addled mind. Who was telling the truth was hard to tell. So many lies had been fabricated that I wasn’t sure who was lying to me or who was being honest. I placed a well thought out mask on to protect myself from these people who called themselves ‘my family.’ I only had myself to rely on and I wasn’t entirely sure how sane I was at this moment in my life.

  The house was silent and still, no one roamed the long stone hallways. A sense of anticipation curled deep inside my guts as I ventured out of my former prison. After taking several staircases and countless turns I found the mansions well equipped kitchen. My stomach started to growl deeply as I prepared myself some cheese and tomato sandwiches. I was ravenous and I devoured them after neatly cutting off the crusts.

  Thinking about last night made my head spin with questions and doubt, for all I knew everyone was lying. I came to the conclusion that no one could be trusted, not even myself. I’d noticed that I’d delved into the dark corners of my mind too frequently and knew that one day I could get stuck there permanently, residing in my shadowed past forever. ‘No,’ I thought as I ate the last bite of my sandwich, I will not get stuck in my mind, I will not let these people get the better of me.
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br />   I walked back to my room as I started to recognize the corridors and turns needed to find my way in this colossal house. I had to get all my things packed and ready to go. It was time to leave this house of horrors and its weird inhabitants. I had no desire to linger here any longer than I had to. I missed my immaculate white house which beckoned to me, calling me home.

  I stepped into the bathroom which was decorated in an Edwardian style. The bath was a roll-top held up on four sliver clawed feet. There was beautiful detail in the huge mirror that almost covered one of the walls entirely. I ran a bath and watched the water and steam pour into it as memories of Sue came to mind.

  She was playing with her rubber ducky in the bath as I washed her hair. She dunked the duck under water, splashing the bubbles everywhere while she sang songs of rainbows and smiles. She looked like an angel, so happy and pure. How I missed my precious little girl. I snapped myself back to reality and got into the bath. The water felt dense in substance and the heat fused with the fire in my core. I lay in there motionless for an hour while fragments of things people had said hung on delicate strings in my delusional mind. I noticed the skin on my fingers had become wrinkled like an old man and then I realised how long I’d been there. It was time for me to get my prune soaked body out of the tepid water.

  I climbed out of the bath, towelled myself dry and neatly got dressed. I took care to make sure I was well groomed and that each hair was perfectly in place. I brushed my teeth, straightened up in front of the mirror and practised smiling. I wanted to make sure when I faced Aunt Morgan she wouldn’t see my murderous intent when I came to greet her. I packed all my belongings into neat piles and made sure my dirty laundry was placed in a sealed zipper bag. My face was itching as my metaphorical mask started to irritate my skin. I had to leave and look Aunt Morgan in the eyes and ask her why she lied so cruelly to my face. I would decide after my encounter with her how I would pay her back for the false information she had so deceptively given me.

  First things first I had to tell mother that I was leaving and I knew that even this might not be a simple task as she had proven to be sly in her own right. I roamed the big house, striding down the corridors until I finally found Georgia’s bedroom. I knocked on the solid wooden door and listened to the sound rattling in my ears. My nerves were on edge and my instincts warned me strongly that I needed to leave, one way or another. I had places to be and people to see to sort out the tangled mess that was my life.

  “Enter,” said my mother in a tired voice that was muffled by the thick wood. I opened the door and it silently slid open on well-oiled hinges as I walked in to find her resting in bed. She seemed to be ill or over-exhausted as her pale skin looked almost translucent. She was propped up on a pile of pillows in the dimly lit room. My eyes took in the luxurious surroundings with expensive carpets adorning the solid stone floor. The centrepiece was her gigantic four-poster bed that looked like it had been carved out of blood wood. It’s black colour created a depth to the room which surrounded her like a casket, shrouding her body, preparing it for burial. The curtains were velvet and blotted out the sun which seemed forbidden in this house. Georgia’s room was a mixture of burnt reds and black with the only colour brightening its gloomy interior being that of the fire which crackled loudly on the cast iron grate. I couldn’t help but notice the meticulous placement of furniture and ornaments which showed Georgia had a blatantly obsessive side to her nature, just like me.

  “Hello mother, how are you feeling today?” I asked her with false sincerity. I smiled affectionately at her as I stood politely by her bedside.

  “I feel weak darling. I’m so pleased to see you. Is everything okay?” she answered returning my smile. I noticed it didn’t reach her cold eyes. She patted the side of the bed, motioning for me to sit beside her.

  “Yes I’m fine, thank you for asking. I came to tell you that it’s time for me to leave,” I said as I reluctantly sat by her corpse-like body. My skin crawled sitting on her germ-infested mattress. I could almost see the vile bacteria leaping onto my body as I lowered myself down next to her.

  “I don’t think that it’s a good idea for you to go alone Khedlar. You are so emotionally fragile. I think it would be wiser if you took Dariouse with you. He can keep an eye on you, I mean, keep an eye out for you,” she said as she quickly tried to cover her mistake. She smiled sweetly and innocently at me.

  “Yes maybe you’re right. He can come with me if he wants but I’m leaving now and I’m not wasting any more time. Thank you for being so truthful with me. You have made me realise what is important in my life and what I’ve been missing,” I said as I thought about what I was saying and that it was making me feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Being nice to this treacherous woman was exhausting. I just wanted to get away from her delusional mind games and this nasty house.

  “That’s nice dear. When will you come back to us? I know you two will get along so well together,” she said as she leaned forward to pat my hand.

  I stood abruptly, not allowing her to spread her filthy sickness. The thought of Georgia touching my skin unhinged me and made me feel positively sick. “I don’t know but I’m sure my business won’t take long. Dariouse can meet me at the front door in half an hour. If he isn’t there I will be gone without him,” I said as I turned my back on her to leave. Why should I be the only idiot to keep his word when I was surrounded by a sea of liars and cheats? They didn’t deserve honesty let alone my time or sympathy. I thought it would be a good chance to get Dariouse away from Georgia and out of the house as he seemed far too dependent on mother and father.

  Father and Dariouse met me at the front door, punctually keeping up with my terms. Father gave me one of his painful hugs as I promised to keep Dariouse safe and out of trouble. I stepped out of the house and inhaled the air, a free man once more. A taxi was waiting at the curb for us and I hastily dumped my bag in the boot of the car. Bernard watched us like a hawk from the massive doorway as we both climbed inside and waved goodbye. Just then it hit me that I had to be continuously guarded now that I had Dariouse along for the ride. I could seriously do without this complication but I would take the opportunity to question him away from mother’s influence when the time was right.

  It didn’t take us long to get to the train station. I let Dariouse pay the driver as I quickly grabbed our luggage and headed over to the counter to get the tickets. I let Dariouse pay once more. At least he could be useful if I was going to be lumbered with him. So far he hadn’t said a word which suited me just fine. I was in no mood for a conversation and just wanted to get back home. He followed me like a faithful puppy which was just pathetic! I wished I could kick him and leave him behind in the gutter, what a shame he wasn’t an actual dog.

  I dozed off in the lurching train as we sped back towards Dawn Vines. I awoke as we pulled into the station and I could hear the breaks screeching noisily on the metal tracks as we ground to a halt. I stretched my aching body and glared at Dariouse. The fool just grinned back at me as I pointed at our bags. He obediently picked them up as I jumped off the train, purposely trying to leave him behind but I had no such luck. We walked out of the station and crossed the busy road to get to the taxi rank. I waved at a lazy driver who was sitting behind the wheel of his car. He gave me a look of irritation as I stepped inside without waiting for his permission. Dariouse put our bags away in the boot and got in beside me. It was time to go face Aunt Morgan!

  It was all such a blur. I ordered the driver to take us home, giving him the directions. We stopped briefly at my house to drop off our bags. I sat impatiently in the stuffy car while Dariouse struggled with the key to the front door and juggled our bags. I’d instructed him to drop them off in the hallway, then to come back which he did willingly. He was such an annoying distraction but at least he knew how to do as he was told.

  I sat there trying to gather my thought and prepare myself mentally for Aunt Morgan. I was clear in my mind what I wanted to say and what I expect
ed her reaction to be. I wanted to twist the knife of hate deep inside her black, rotten soul. I wanted her to feel what true hatred felt like, she deserved that and so much more. It would be a start at least to correcting all the grief and pain she had caused me over the years. Dariouse would have to stay behind, I didn’t want any witnesses. I needed to pull this off without seeming to be sinister. I wanted him to believe that I was a victim who needed his protection, not the perpetrator of vengeance.

  The taxi stopped outside the city morgue. I asked Dariouse to wait in the car and he gladly agreed to stay. I got the strong feeling he had never planned on going in with me to see her in the first place.

  I was faced with the building that had sparked so much happiness for me in the past. This was where I had learned so much about the human body and why people died. All of that was irrelevant to me now. I knew how I would love to see all these actors of my past die and there was nothing sad or artistic about it. It would all be pure wrath, pure hatred and nothing would get in my way. I pushed the doors which had once seemed heavy and grand wide open and walked in as they banged loudly against the walls.

  I wasn’t greeted by that annoying receptionist I had remembered from my childhood, if I had she might have been unfortunate in getting the first taste of my deadly mood. I walked through and down into the heart of the morgue, it was exactly the same, nothing had changed and yet I had changed so much.

  As I opened the door to the autopsy room, there stood Aunt Morgan, as ever, elbow deep in blood and human tissue.

  “Oh, hello Khedlar, I haven’t seen you for a while. How have you been?” She sounded laid back as per usual with not a clue about what I was going to confront her with.