Immortal Divorce Court Volume 2: A Sirius Education

by Kirk Zurosky

  “Very funny, Hedley,” I said. “You weren’t going to tell me unless I asked, isn’t that right?”

  “Old habits die hard, my good man,” Hedley said. “Not sharing information is as comfortable to me as a pert tit in your mouth is to you. Anyway, fine, fine, I will tell you if you must know.”

  “I must,” I said. “I want the information, since I do not exactly have any tits in my mouth right now.”

  Hedley sighed. “I had to send Garlic to Portugal in order to save your life—again. Templeton Braddock is a member of one of the oldest and most powerful goblin families in the world. And well, once word got back to them that you interfered with Templeton’s giving Breeze proper spousal discipline, they did the proper family thing in their collective minds and put out a mark on your life.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That fat tub of goo could not take me down with half the goblins in Lisbon backing him.”

  Hedley shrugged. “That may or may not be true,” he said. “But I could not have that happen because the Braddock family is the current custodian of the Heart of Kings.”

  “So you sent Garlic with a secret message, letting them know that I am on their side, and am helping you protect all the Relics, right?”

  Hedley snorted as if what I had said was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. “You have dealt with goblins before, haven’t you?”

  “You know I have,” I replied. “What are you getting at?

  “Their reputation is everything to them,” Hedley said. “They could not let it be known in the immortal world that you made a member of the Braddock family look like a little bitch that could not handle his woman. Unthinkable! The only thing worse that could have happened to Braddock was if he were spotted with Breeze driving his carriage with him sitting next to her holding a clutch of daisies! Come on, man!”

  “Fine, I see your point,” I said. “So what did you do?”

  “Simple,” Hedley said. “I made the goblins an offer they could not refuse.”

  “Which was?”

  “Garlic took them a priceless emerald called the Eye of the Cobra as an apology from you to the Braddock family for your actions.”

  “What?” I blurted out. “I am not going to be seen as apologizing to that blowhard!”

  “Oh, yes you are, and yes you did,” Hedley said. “Any resources devoted to trying to kill you would have been taken away from protecting the Heart of Kings. We couldn’t have that happen, now could we? So apologize you did!”

  “And just where did this Eye of the Cobra come from?”

  “From your private hoard in Harvis’s vault,” Hedley answered.

  I began to laugh. “It came from Andrew Murfield. Okay, that is funny. Doesn’t the Braddock family know this?”

  “I believe the question you should have asked is—Do they care?” he said. “And the answer to that is a resounding no.”

  Chapter 12

  Teaching and working with my four werepires was a wonderful gift. They were regarded by Hedley, the other faculty, and the students with great respect. Maria was growing like a weed due to our leaving the College of Immortals on excursions to Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Munich, and many other places so that she could practice their languages and see and experience their culture firsthand.

  Maria reveled in having her sisters join us on our little “missions” as we came to call them. But after an unfortunate confrontation outside Vienna where a small army of thugs thought they would take advantage of what they believed was a merchant traveling with his daughters—and the men all ended up dead, castrated, or missing a few limbs—we realized these striking young ladies were attracting too much attention, regardless of their disguise. I could smear them in pig slop, and I swear anyone with a penis could still home in on their beauty..

  After that, Maria’s sisters stayed at the College of Immortals to cover my classes, at least that is what I told Maria at first. She and I, accompanied by only Garlic, set out to see the world. Every time we passed near the ocean, I could see a wistful glance on her face. She missed her mother, and I expected we would have heard something from the Queen these last several years, but nothing but silence came from the depths. Hedley told me his sources said that the Queen and Orcinus were unhappily coexisting to their mutual chagrin, so she was safe, but aside from that, we knew little of what transpired in the undersea kingdom. Even the merfolk that came to the College of Immortals to study could do little other than recite the status quo of the ruling class. The Queen and Orcinus ruled, and that was that.

  But as time passed, I reconsidered keeping Maria in a bubble of protection, for even my fatherly eyes could see she was in her early teen years. Not only did I not know how quickly a merpire grew, but I had no idea how our time outside the College of Immortals was affecting her. Contessa whispered in my ear one night that Maria could become a woman any day, and she pointed out how Maria’s frame was changing from a girl to a woman literally in front of my eyes. I grimaced, knowing I was seeing with eyes that wanted to be blind to Maria’s changes. But turning a blind eye never served anyone well, so I decided it was time to tell Maria about the ways of women and men. That was not the first time nor the only reason I had missed the Queen over these many years.

  I had considered having Contessa or Wisdom join in the discussion but knew it was something best suited for Maria’s parent. I thought about all I had overcome in my life, all the challenges I had met, and all the adversaries I had vanquished. I was the vampire who had been to Hell and back, twice, so surely talking to Maria about sex could not be more daunting than that—Could it? Well, it could . . . but in the end, I realized the relationship she had with me in her teenage years and as a young lady would shape her relationships in the future. And that was reason enough to overcome any misgivings I had about talking to her.

  Her eyes got as big as saucers as we spoke. She interrupted to say she had seen the bulls impregnate the cows in the farmyard and hadn’t really applied that act to humans. I told her it was the same and really different, all at once. Humans had emotions and feelings to complicate matters of love. After all, humans purported to “make love,” or so they said. In this day and age, most men were more like the bulls in the farmyard than the princes of romantic tales of yesteryear. For every Lovely, there were a thousand padfeet, ruffians, or just plain old men.

  But for all of the naysayers, including most recently Hedley, I did believe in true love. I tried to impress on my sweet Maria that when there was genuine, pure love involved, the act was more than just an act and became an expression of two souls connecting in one beautiful, timeless moment in this often cruel, unfeeling world that we inhabited. You did it to get as close to the person as you could get. I also was honest and told her that people lay down with each other for other reasons, including lust, politics, deceit, and good old-fashioned mutual need. I warned her that most men were never going to be simply interested in being her friend, unless that involved getting up close and personal with her.

  She had a mixed expression of disgust and genuine interest, and asked me many questions, the last of which I found the easiest to answer. “Was I a child of lust or of love?” she asked.

  “Love,” I replied without hesitation.

  “Then why are you and Mother not together?” was the follow-up question, which was infinitely more difficult to answer.

  “Sometimes, dear Maria,” I said, “no matter how two people feel about one another, the timing of things combined with the general forces of the universe make it impossible for them to be together. And that, my dear, is the truth.”

  She nodded. “I believe you, Father,” she said. “I can see the look in your eyes when you talk about her.” Maria thought for a moment, clearly teetering back and forth on a mental ledge.

  “What troubles you, my dear?”

  “They say you divorced her to save Garlic,” Maria said. “Is that true?”


  “Yes, it is,” I said. “I did go into Hell to get Garlic. She is as much family as any of us. Someday I will tell you how she saved my life.”

  “I kind of did too,” Maria said. “Rakshas.”

  “Yes, Rakshas,” I agreed, remembering who it was that got me through that Himalayan hit squad. “But there was more to it than just trying to save Garlic. Divorcing your mother was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. I didn’t want to, but I am fairly certain that Hades, sweet lady that she is, would have torn the Immortal Divorce Court asunder. And you, my dear, were there in the courtroom in your mother’s belly. You and she would surely have perished at Hades’s hands. So to Hell I went, for Garlic, for your mother, for the people in the village outside the IDC, and of course, especially for you, my precious little merpire, who I just knew would grow into an amazing young lady that one day will change the world.”

  “So you think I am going to change the world?” Maria asked.

  “I think every parent believes it of their progeny,” I said. “But mine seem a little more equipped than most.” I could not even imagine being disappointed in my children. Did that even happen? Or, what if one of my own children were disappointed in me and disowned me. That would be the worst thing ever.

  Thankfully, Maria and I laughed together long and loud, and she came over and hugged me warmly. I looked down into those familiar eyes. Maria had the eyes of the Queen, who I knew was a thousand miles—and a lifetime—away, yet here, too, in front of me.

  “Can you set up a meeting with Mom?” Maria looked up and asked. “I have some things I need to ask her about being a mermaid that you and my sisters cannot help me with.”

  “Oh, of course,” I sputtered. I felt bad that I had never broached the subject with her before. Of course she wanted to see her mother. Of course she needed to see her mother.

  “Don’t think I don’t appreciate how amazing you and my sisters have been,” Maria said, laying a hand on my shoulder. “But if I am ever going to realize my destiny, I need to reconnect with the woman who brought me into this world. Father, I can feel her pain every day she lives without knowing me as a young lady.”

  “I know you can,” I said. “It is your blessing.”

  “And now that I am older, my curse,” she said.

  “You have taken the words right out of my mouth,” I said. “We all have gifts and destinies, but sometimes the two do not seem to mix so well together. Sometimes what we intend for ourselves is not what the universe has in store for us.”

  “I love you, Father,” Maria said. “And I shall return.”

  “I know you will,” I said. “I am not worried about Orcinus and his army.” I laughed. “Okay, maybe just a little bit.”

  “No worries, Father,” Maria said with a dazzling smile reminiscent of the Queen. “My destiny brings me back here, I am sure of it.”

  “That may be true,” I agreed. “But all the same I am going to send you with an escort that I trust.”

  “Oh, that would be lovely,” Maria said.

  “Exactly,” I said. “Lovely has completed his work with Oliver to ready him for taking over the family holdings if necessary. In fact, he was on his way here anyway. He wants to talk to me about something, probably wants a post here so he can manage his father’s London businesses and be close to Mary Grace. I guess I can talk to Hedley about that.”

  “Yes, Father I am sure that is it,” Maria said. “Without a doubt you are right.” I thought I detected a hint of a smile on her face. Was there a dagger coming at me from some hidden locale? I looked around quickly and saw no threats other than the grin of a teenage girl, which in my experience was always dangerous. Hmm, something was afoot.

  “And good thing he has completed his advanced weapons certification with Granddaddy on Sa Dragonera, because with you around, he is going to have to be on his toes,” she added.

  Just then there was a great commotion from outside our quarters, and I saw what I thought was Mary Grace race by me at breakneck speed, a blur in motion, trailed by Adelaide, Beatrice, and a slower moving Contessa. I sniffed the air curiously. “Is that perfume? Why is Mary Grace wearing perfume?”

  “You are not going to want to miss this,” Contessa stopped and yelled back to me. “Mary Grace has a visitor . . .” She could barely contain her disdain. “Golly gee! Guess who? This is going to be great. Everyone will be looking at Mary Grace, Mary Grace, Mary Grace.” Contessa seemed to be perpetually aggravated with her sister, albeit Mary Grace did not help matters with her perpetual bad attitude toward Contessa.

  I looked at Maria in mock confusion. “I know that,” I said. “Because I am the one who sent for him. What’s the big deal?”

  “Right, Father, no big deal indeed,” Maria said, sprinting after her sisters. “Catch me if you can, Garlic!” Garlic bolted after her, ears flying as she playfully nipped at Maria’s heels.

  I caught up to them entering the College of Immortals’ common room, which was packed from floor to rafters with students, staff, and a good many of the teachers. I spied the Professor picking her ear and then looking at what came out of it as if considering it for a snack. The moment we had shared in the river never seemed further away. I laughed inwardly, realizing the only thing dirtier than the Thames was the Professor’s ears. I found myself standing a little too close to Breeze and wondered how she had gotten that close to me without my noticing. Stealthy elf! But she smiled, seeming happy and unburdened. No longer did she sport a predatory air about her. Indeed, she was the most relaxed and genuine that I had ever seen her. In fact, Garlic even let Breeze pet her. “What do we have going on here, Sirius?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulders—must young love be so dramatic?

  Suddenly the crowd of students parted, and there stood Mary Grace wearing something that was incomprehensible to my incredulous eyes. It was a dress. No, it was a full-fledged ball gown. Beatrice leaned in and whispered in my ear. “I did her hair,” she bragged. “Nice, huh!”

  Adelaide tugged on my arm and found my other ear. “The hair is nice, Bea,” she agreed. “But note the fresh flowers in her hand and that divine perfume that will drive a man wild with desire!” My eyeballs must have threatened to jump out of my skull for she quickly corrected herself. “Or so I hear,” she added quickly. “Just mere puffery to get you to buy it, I am sure. . . . Oh, look, Contessa needs me.” And off she went to stand with Contessa, who was simply staring at Mary Grace and rolling her eyes. Contessa clearly wanted to be in Mary Grace’s place—not with Lovely, but as the oldest, I think she felt any suitor should come to her first. Contessa needed to learn that life did not always go according to one’s own internal plan.

  The doors to the College of Immortals were flung wide, and riding in from outside, astride a milky-white charger, was Lovely, a gleaming golden helm framing his long, flowing platinum locks that cascaded down to his shoulders. He was clad in some sort of gilded chainmail that appeared to accent his every massive curve. A collective ooh came from the female students, and indeed some of the males too. It appeared dear Donald Glastonbury had a man crush. “Oh, honey,” the goblin shrieked.

  “Wait a minute,” I said. “The common room does not open to the outside, does it?”

  Hedley appeared at my elbow. “It does if I want it to.” And then just as quickly, he was gone.

  The swath of humanity parted before Lovely’s steed, and he slid off of it effortlessly—every tan, lithe muscle bulging appropriately. He removed his helm and set it on the pommel of his horse, and the sun made a burst out of his manly mane, giving him a rather angelic quality. His jawline was as strong and defined as his shoulders, and those piercing-blue eyes radiated confidence, kindness, and pure raw power. Lovely was now and forever, all man.

  A young vampire fainted to the ground as he passed her, his omnipotent pheromones too much for her. “Oh my,” said a lady werewolf. “Rise, Phoebu
s Apollo, rise and take me in your arms and let me feel your golden light.”

  “By King George,” her saucy mermaid friend called. “Here comes the sun!”

  “Darling,” the werewolf said, her arm around her companion, “it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, but no more!”

  “Sun, sun, sun,” the mermaid shrieked and then collapsed in a heap.

  “It’s all right,” the werewolf said, stroking her cheek. “It’s all right.”

  But the radiant sun that was Lovely had no eyes for anyone but Mary Grace, whose smile shone like diamonds in the sky. There must have been hundreds of people in the common room, but those two only saw each other. Lovely strode boldly toward her, but Mary Grace could contain herself no longer and screamed before she fairly leaped into his arms. He stroked her face gently and whispered words that only she could hear, and the collective sighs of the students got even louder. Her lips found his hungrily, and the crowd broke into an enthusiastic applause.

  I found my hand going to cover Maria’s eyes, but one stare from her stopped that attempt. Was it that bad that she could see their love? I shuffled my feet awkwardly, wanting the lovers’ moment to end, and tried not to think of whatever else may have transpired between them! For all intents and purposes, Lovely and Mary Grace were adults and did not need my permission to be together. Thankfully, after the most romantic and sweet kissing that had been witnessed in at least a century, Mary Grace broke the kiss and pulled Lovely over to me.

  I extended a hand to greet him, but the big lug pulled me into his embrace with Mary Grace. “Father told me to do that when I saw you,” Lovely said. “He misses you, and he is hungry for some more adventure.”

  I nodded, realizing it had been far too long since Oliver and I had experienced any real fun. Wasn’t a new king due for a coronation sometime soon? Surely, George I would be departing this fair world soon. “Rest assured, I miss him too,” I said, watching the students disperse to class and their chambers. Soon we were all but alone in the common room. “Thank you for coming so quickly,” I said. “I am in need of your help.”