I put a hand up to deflect her words. “Very big of you, but you have no idea the impact of that little remark—”
“Annalise—”
“How could you be so mean? I thought we got along well—”
“We did get—”
“I’d even considered you a friend, but the whole time you were acting—”
“No—”
The bees and I were on a roll. “An award-winning performance, I must say, while behind my back, you were telling Thomas he could do better than me—”
“Annalise!” Scarlett raised her voice.
I stopped, and a few customers turned to watch.
“I did not say that…exactly.”
I planted my hands on my hips, foot tapping, ready for whatever lame excuse she was cooking up. “Well, what did you say exactly?”
Scarlett closed her eyes for a moment as she rubbed a hand over her forehead. “Thomas loved you. Head-over-heels, wanting-weddings-and-babies love. But you didn’t feel that way about him, did you?”
I hesitated, guilt trickling into my stomach as I saw where this might be headed. “Well, no, but—”
“Right. I could tell. And Thomas asked for advice not long before you broke up. He’d seen you ogling some guy at a party or a wedding or something—”
“A wedding,” I said in a faint voice.
“And he was just starting to figure out that he felt more for you than you felt for him. I agreed and told him I thought he could do better than someone who didn’t really love him.”
The bees deserted their post. I’d blamed Thomas a little, and Scarlett a lot, but it’d been completely my fault. How had I kept myself blind to this?
“It was nothing personal.” Scarlett looked genuinely regretful. “I liked you, but he’s my brother, and he asked.”
“That’s fair enough.” Damn, those bees left a bummer of an after burn.
“I’m sorry if you were hurt, Annalise. That was never my intention.”
I felt my shoulders slouch forward a little. “No, I’m sorry, Scarlett.” I shook my head at my tunnel vision. “You know, I never questioned it—I just put you in a box with an unflattering label. But Thomas told me when I was breaking up with him, so I probably should’ve taken it with a grain of salt. Tried to understand.”
“No harm done.”
But there was really. “Is he happy now?”
She smiled, her affection for her brother shining. “He’s doing fine. He’s had a couple of girlfriends since you, but we’re really hoping this latest one is ‘the one’.”
I pictured Thomas with his ready laugh and good heart. I hoped he found love, too. He deserved that. “Can you tell him I said hi? And tell him”—I looked down at the bikini still in my hands before meeting Scarlett’s eyes again—“tell him I wish him happiness.”
…
Jake
I sat on the sand, looking out at the waves, trying to stem the emotional tide rising inside.
I’d meant what I’d said back in the shop—Annalise had taken a chance on love, and I hadn’t.
There was no doubt in my mind I loved her, but she’d been right that night in my mother’s garden. I was a coward. I flinched at the thought. It wasn’t something I wanted to be, but there it was.
I’d promised Kelly in my office I’d work out these inner demons, yet I hadn’t done a thing. Another example of cowardice.
Part of me had hoped everything would go away or settle down if I ignored it, but it hadn’t. Every time I saw Annalise, my feelings for her seemed stronger—the need to be with her, to make love to her, to laugh with her. For everything.
Jumping up, I headed for the water’s edge. I’d had no idea I could miss someone this much. It was worse having just seen her and being reminded of how amazing she was.
But it wasn’t just her—I liked myself more when I was around her. She knew the real Jake and accepted him—loved him—so I didn’t have to pretend or try to be something I wasn’t when I was with her. Not that it was all plain sailing. Nope, Annalise challenged me like no one ever had. And I liked that. Without judging, she pushed me to be the best I could be.
I kicked roughly at the sand. The truth was, I was a better person when I was with her.
The swirl of turmoil inside me intensified. The feelings in my gut that had simmered away, often unnoticed, since childhood were no longer prepared to be ignored. If I didn’t do something about them soon, Annalise would be the least of my worries—I’d go insane.
I was usually good at pushing them back down when they reared up to prod me, but it had been getting harder with Annalise forcing me to face myself. And now those churning emotions were stronger than ever—as if they were about to engulf me.
Quickly, I turned and walked back to my car. I had to do something. Now.
…
“Mum? Are you home?” Her car was in the drive, but she sometimes wandered down to the beach.
“I’m out in the back,” a voice called out.
Fighting the instinct to turn and run, I walked around the side of the house to the gardens, where I found my mother tending to her wilderness patch. I needed to do this. I had to face it or I’d never be able to look at myself in the mirror again.
Yet, being in the garden where Annalise had accused me of being a coward, the churning inside me was becoming close to unbearable. It was going to take all my self-control and courage to follow through on this conversation.
“Hello, Jake. What a lovely surprise.” She stood and dusted off her knees. “Are you here long enough for me to put a pot of coffee on?”
“If you’ve got time, that’d be good.” I kissed her cheek and followed her back to the house as she took off her gloves and pointed out new plants scattered throughout the garden.
I was happy for her to chatter away, because it gave me more time to get it together. Sweaty palms and fidgeting fingers weren’t how I wanted to go into this conversation.
As we entered the kitchen, she turned, giving me a smile. “You put the coffee on, and I’ll wash up a bit.” She disappeared, and I busied myself by filling the pot with coffee and water.
She emerged a few minutes later looking refreshed. “I can smell that coffee already. I’ve got cookies in the tin, if you want some.” I moved away to allow her access to her cupboards and avoided her eyes. I wanted to do this, but why did it have to be so damn hard?
When the coffee was made, we sat outside at a table and chairs.
“I get the feeling this isn’t a social call.” She looked at me appraisingly.
“No.”
“Is there something you want to tell me?” She smiled encouragingly, but there was concern in her eyes.
I took a deep breath, fighting down the heart-pounding anxiety that was filling my body from head to feet. “No, there’s something I need to ask you.”
“All right.” She put her cup down and gave me her full attention.
“Was Dad a lost cause, or was there something he could have done about himself?” I kept watching a point on the ground I’d found. If I focused all my energy on that point, I might be able to keep myself together.
She paused, then, when she spoke, her tone was wary. “Why would you ask that, honey?”
“I just need to know.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw her look out over her gardens, as if drawing strength from them. “When I married your father, he was already on the path that destroyed him, but I hadn’t known. I’ve often wondered over the years if I could’ve done things differently. If I’d recognized the signs, what would I have done?”
She shifted in her seat and sighed. “One of the biggest regrets of my life is allowing him to influence you and Kelly. More so you, because you were older.” She took a sip of her coffee and set the cup back on the table. “But I don’t know if I could have done anything differently for him. Maybe I could, but I don’t know what.”
“But what about him? What could he have done to change himself?�
�� I was still staring at the spot, the turmoil inside threatening to overtake me more with every word my mother said.
“I don’t know the answer to that, either. Maybe he could have tried harder? Who knows?”
I bit down on my lip and pressed my palms together, trying in vain not to be engulfed by the black cloud that was looming around me. Tried harder? I had already been trying hard all my life not to be like him, but it hadn’t helped. If that was all there was, then it was too late for me.
“Jake, you know none of it was your fault, don’t you? Whatever went on in his life or in our marriage, you weren’t to blame for anything.”
“I know,” I said hoarsely.
She rose and moved around to kneel in front of me, but I didn’t look at her, trying to avoid seeing her face in case I lost it. “What is it? What are you worried about?”
I took two ragged breaths before I could answer. “I know I’m just like him, and I was hoping you’d tell me what I could do to change, but…” The devastation of knowing I was beyond help finally made me lose it, and my eyes stung with tears I wouldn’t let fall.
She reached out and put her arms around me. I barely noticed.
“Oh, Jake, that’s not true, you’re nothing like your father.” But her voice was faint now; the blackness had consumed me. A tear tracked down my cheek, followed by another. Years of pent up fears and emotions were finally being released. I tried to fight it, but it was a losing battle, so I covered my face with a hand.
My mother stayed there kneeling in front of me, holding me until my shaking eased. Then she moved my hand and lifted my face until she could see my eyes.
“Jake, listen to me, you are nothing like your father.” Her every feature emanated gentle compassion.
I gave a humorless smile. “You’re the only one who thinks so. But thanks for trying.”
“Who thinks you are?” She spoke with a firm gentleness.
“The media mentions it a lot. And people always told me when I was a kid that I was like him.” I wiped my face first on one shoulder then the other.
“Oh, Jake, we meant you looked like him. And you do a bit, but you’re much more handsome because you take after me, as well.” She grinned.
I tried to smile to show her I appreciated the attempt to lighten the mood, but I failed.
“Who else thinks you’re like him?”
“Donna.”
“Donna?” She frowned and paused before making the connection. “That girl you dated years ago?”
“Yep.” I couldn’t see the spot on the ground anymore with my mother in front of me, so I focused on a dirt smudge on her shoulder.
“She didn’t even know your father, so how would she know?”
“It was what she said. She didn’t mention Dad.”
“Tell me what she said.”
There was no point holding back now. I took a shuddering breath. “She said I had no emotional depth and I wasn’t capable of a long-term commitment.”
She shook her head. “Do you think a man who is able to cry in front of his mother—even if it’s the first time since he was eleven—has no emotional depth? Honey, you have as much as me or Kelly. Actually, I think you have more than Kelly because her emotions are all out on display. You have layers. Neither is better than the other, but don’t for a second think you have no depth.”
I looked into her eyes. She’d leaned back onto her haunches, and her hands had moved down to cover mine. For the first time, I felt a faint flicker of hope.
“Now, as for whether you’re capable of a long-term commitment, of course you are. If Kelly didn’t think you were, do you think she’d even consider naming you godparent and guardian to her baby? No mother would want to leave her baby with a person who couldn’t commit. That girl Donna didn’t know the real you.”
“But she did. We were in love.”
“A girl who knew you for less than a year when you were young knows you better than your sister? Or your mother?”
That did make sense, but it didn’t seem enough. I could still feel some of the blackness lingering. It couldn’t be that simple. This issue had been haunting me as long as I could remember.
“Who else?” When I didn’t answer, she persisted. “Who else thinks you’re like him?”
“I do.” I squinted intently at the dirt smudge on her shoulder.
“Jake, I knew your father better than you did, and I know you pretty well, too. I can honestly say you are not like him. There are some things you have in common, like your sense of humor and love of the water. But your father was an alcoholic. And maybe we’ll never understand why, but he made the choices to treat us the way he did. You don’t have that weakness, or that illness.”
I filled my lungs with air, held it, then pushed it out quickly. I hated to ask yet needed to know. “But what if I turn out to be a failure? Not in business, but as a husband. A father. A man.”
“Why would you think that?” She frowned, shaking her head.
“He told me I would. The night he left for the last time, he said I’d never amount to anything and that I was just like him.”
“He was angry and drunk, Jake. He was barely able to string a sentence together that night. Do you want to know what he really thought of you?”
I gave a small nod.
“When he was sober, he used to spend time just watching you. He thought you were the most amazing child in the world. When Kelly came along, he was pleased, but I think you were so special to him because he had hopes you’d succeed where he’d failed. He told me you were better at everything than he’d been as a child. He was so very proud of you. Maybe his pride was crushed by bitterness that night, but don’t doubt it was there.”
I could feel the blackness dissipating, but didn’t want to jinx any new hope by jumping on it too soon.
“Honey, I should have told you this sooner, but you never wanted to talk about him.”
I absent-mindedly rubbed her hands with my thumbs. “That’s because…” Even now I couldn’t help the hesitation. “I was always scared you’d say I was like him and I’d turn out the same way.”
“Jake, you’ve turned out better than I could have ever dreamed. And I’m not talking about your stores or your surfing. I’m talking about you. How could you think you’re a failure? You’ve been such a wonderful brother to Kelly, and she really needed that, being only four when your father left. You’re a wonderful son to me. And you’re a great friend. I’ve watched you your whole life, and the love in your heart is so big, it amazes me. It seems you’re the only one who doesn’t realize that. I do. Kelly and Adam do. Annalise does.”
My gaze abruptly lifted to meet hers. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not blind,” she laughed. “She’s been in love with you since she was a teenager, and, if I’m not mistaken, you return her feelings now?”
My shoulders slumped. “I’m hardly in a position to offer anything to anyone until I sort out all this stuff in my head.”
“You do what you need to do, honey. But remember that you’re an exceptional man. Maybe Donna didn’t know you well enough to see that, but Annalise and I do. If fact—” she grinned “—for Annalise to keep waiting all these years, you must be pretty special. A man worth waiting for.”
I stood and helped her to her feet before lifting her into a hug so tight she laughed and said she had trouble breathing, then, on impulse, I twirled her around.
“Thanks, Mum.” I planted her on the ground again and kissed her forehead.
“You’re welcome,” she gasped, still laughing.
…
Annalise
I could imagine Kelly’s incredulous expression on the other end of the phone line as I spoke. “You’re honestly turning down cake for a spring clean?”
“Yes, Kelly,” I said patiently.
“It’s only a two bedroom apartment, and you’re really neat—how urgent can the spring clean be?”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not my apartment that
’s in a mess, it’s me. I need to do a spring clean.”
“You’ve lost me. I grab any opportunity to skip housework.”
“I just need to feel in control of something—anything at the moment.”
“Oh. Have you seen Jake then?”
I blew out breath. “Yesterday. I went to see my designs and ran into him.”
“And…?”
“And we spoke. And he left.”
“Lisey, I’m sorry it’s not working out. I know, how about I bring cake to you?”
I knew she wanted to be a part of this, yet I couldn’t let her. The pain of seeing Jake’s sister was too much right now. It’d ease, I knew it would, and there was no way I’d let us drift again, but…
It was just too soon.
“Thanks for the offer, but I need to get my head together. I need to prepare for life post-Jake, and I’ll be better off doing that alone.”
“Hmm. Well, give me a call if you change your mind.”
She understood. She was a good best friend. “I promise I will.”
I took my bucket of cleaning supplies to the bathroom, and Rover and I sat on the tiled floor. I opened drawers one by one and threw out anything I could—old moisturizer, out-of-date sunscreen, and hair bands that had lost their elastic. Rover salvaged a fluffy hair tie from the first drawer and took it out to the living room.
With everything I threw in the bin, I felt like I was cleaning out my head. Throwing out girlish fantasies, making room for adult realities. I scrubbed and cleaned each surface, making myself feel faint from chemical inhalation and exertion.
With nothing left to clean, I moved on to the kitchen. I stood looking at the counter where Jake had first kissed me. I’d been full of emotion that night—fear, pain, excitement, wanting. This whole rollercoaster ride with Jake had been jam-packed full of emotion, but now there was just emptiness. It was as if I’d reached my limit of emotion, and nothing remained. Maybe I’d do the kitchen later.
After a clean-through of the living-dining room, I carried the bucket into my workroom. I drifted from the mannequin to the designs in the closet. At least one good thing had come from the rollercoaster—my designs were on sale and gaining publicity. I had a meeting scheduled with Tracey in a few days to go over plans for the next couple of seasons and there was every chance I’d now be able to make sales to buyers for other stores.
The Summer of Jake Page 21