by Andy Simmons
“Second,” I said, after ordering a second round, “when you write humor, make sure that the humor structure is sound. I suggest you begin with the punctuation. Before committing words to paper, figure out where the commas, colons, and periods go so that they look funny. Once you have funny punctuation, the rest falls into place. For example: “ , ? ,” — : “ ; !!!!!”
“Frankly, this is pretty good on its own. I wouldn’t muck it up by adding words. Remember, at Reader’s Digest, brevity is a hallmark.”
I then stumbled out of the bar, into the street, and got hit by a car.
For all you potty-mouths out there, here’s one more thing to keep in mind: Our jokes and stories have to be clean. You can’t use words like or , and you definitely must never mention something like .
Here’s the sort of joke we like telling at Reader’s Digest: “Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs? Because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s screwing a chicken.”
Yes, that’s the sort of joke we like telling in our offices but can’t run in the magazine. If I did, I’d get a little note back from my editor in chief that says, “Oh, please!!!!!!!” The first time I saw that I took it to mean she wanted more. So I threw in jokes about the little old lady who lived in a stiletto heel and the one about the traveling salesman who was trying to make it with the farmer’s cow. (When the farmer’s daughter walked in and said, “I’ll do anything for you,” the salesman said, “Great! Hold the cow still.”)
Turns out, I’d misunderstood what she meant. She didn’t want those jokes. You see, we’re a family-friendly magazine. And the family she had in mind was not the Mansons.
I said my five-year-old daughter told me all these jokes. My boss didn’t care. She didn’t want Simmons-family-friendly, either.
So part of our job in the humor department is to walk that fine line between what is funny and what we can print without overburdening our company servers with angry e-mails.
Now, it is time to put down our speeches, pick up our plates, and head over to the smorgasbord. Since learning of my prize, I have spent hours in my kitchen perfecting the art of pyramiding food atop a small plate, then balancing it until I reach my dining room table. The secret, I have discovered, lies in the placement of the Swedish meatballs. They must always top off the plate and should never be placed at the bottom beneath the filmjölk, Varmrökt lax, filbunke, or jordgubbar. My floor learned the hard way that once those meatballs start rolling, everything starts to teeter, and soon it’s every filmjölk for itself.
America’s Ten Funniest Jokes
It’s mayhem. Amid the clamor of pickle trays and pastrami-bearing waiters, eight old friends have gathered for their biweekly lunch at Factor’s Deli in Los Angeles. They’re all talking over one another, and no one is listening.
These eight comedy legends, ranging in age from their 60s to their 90s—and with about 522 years of comedy under their collective belt—meet every other week to kibitz, eat, and reminisce. But mostly they’re there to exercise their comedy chops by cracking wise at every opportunity.
It’s this group whom I’ve asked to choose America’s all-time best jokes. I’ve winnowed down the thousands of submissions our readers sent in, and it’s our judges’ job to pick ten from that collection. Some of these comedy legends may or may not be household names, but they’ve either written, directed, or produced some of the biggest movies and TV shows ever. Here’s my line-up of judges:
Sid Caesar: Introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen on his 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows
Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal
Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak
Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times
Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer, he wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby
Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In
John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H
Matty Simmons: Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation
It’s a dream-come-true for a humor junkie like myself to be sharing the same jar of mustard as these guys. And as a humor editor, it’s a career highlight. That is, if I can get them to read the jokes.
“Excuse me, excuse me!” I yell over the din. I begin handing out sheets of paper containing the gags. “Can we start with the jokes?”
Rappaport begins: “A guy goes to his doctor’s office and says, ‘Give it to me straight. I know I’m sick. How long do I have?’ The doctor says, ‘Ten…’ ‘Ten what?’ asks the patient. ‘Years? Months?’ ‘Nine…eight…’”
“That’s a good joke. I vote for that one,” says Hiller.
“It is a good joke, but it’s not on our list,” I say.
Rappaport peruses the list and offers to read the monk joke, which pits him against Hall, who also wants to read the monk joke. Instead of either reading the monk joke, they start telling their own monk jokes.
“Maybe we can read a joke from the list?” I suggest over the laughter.
Kalish taps a spoon against a glass of Dr. Brown’s diet cream soda. “Point of order!” he shouts. That’s what the guys yell when they want everyone’s attention. It doesn’t always work, but that’s what they yell. “I’m going to read one,” he says. “And remember, gentlemen, Reader’s Digest is picking up the tab today, so you know what that means: Eat as much as you want.”
Joke #1
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”
They all laugh, except Kanter, who sneers, “It’s so old.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s old or not,” I say. “The point is, is it funny?”
No one’s listening, because the joke genie has been let out of the bottle, and the gags (none from our list) start flying. Simmons begins: “A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.” Caesar leans in to hear. He knows what’s coming. They all do—it’s their favorite joke from their stockpile of gags. “She pleads, ‘Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.’ With that, a big wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says…‘He had a hat!’”
“Very funny, but I want to give you a line read,” says Rappaport. “It should be ‘He had a hat.’”
“No, no, no,” says Kanter. “It’s ‘He had a hat.’”
“‘He had a hat,’” insists Rappaport.
“Then she’s too angry,” Kanter counters. “She’s not angry—she just wants the damn hat back.”
“Who’d like to read the next joke?”
“‘He had a hat?’” Simmons tries.
Owens finally launches into the next gag on the list, drawing it out for all its comic worth.
Joke #2
A ventriloquist is performing with a dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
“Great,” I say. “Who’d like to tell—”
“You know, that reminds me of a true story,” says Owens. “It was the ’50s. The ventriloquist Rickie Layne and his dummy, Velvel, were onstage at the Copacabana. In the front row were some gangsters. Velvel starts insulting them. ‘Hey, it looks like you slept in your clothes,’ he says. ‘Don’t you make any money? Is that the best suit you can buy?’ With each put-down, the mobsters are getting angrier and angrier. Suddenly, the owner of the nightclub, Jules Podell—a real tough guy—jumps onstage. He grab
s the dummy and punches him so hard his head rolls off. Podell then points at Velvel’s head lying on the stage and says, ‘One more joke like that and I’ll kill you!’”
“True story,” says Kalish, corroborating it between guffaws.
“Can we read another joke?” I ask.
“Anybody hear of a guy named Evil Eye Finkel?” says Kalish. In the ’30s, Evil Eye’s job was to go to boxing matches and fix some boxer with the evil eye in hopes of jinxing him.
The contest has now been hijacked by tales of all the Evil Eyes the guys have known. That’s when I remind everyone that Reader’s Digest will pick up the lunch tab only if they actually judge the gags. The men swallow their pickles, pick up their pens, and begin bickering.
“You actually like that one?” Kanter asks Simmons after the latter voices approval of the bra joke. Simmons, in turn, points out that Kanter had little company when he voted for an ill-fated gassy-granny joke.
Here, now, the rest of the ten best jokes in America (in no particular order), as decided by our judges:
Joke #3
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have thirty more years to live.”
With thirty years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God.
“You said I had thirty more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?”
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
Joke #4
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Joke #5
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads TALKING DOG FOR SALE. Intrigued, he walks in.
“So, what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Joke #6
Two men are hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. The guy who fell isn’t breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”
Joke #7
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Joke #8
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.
“It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”
Joke #9
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Joke #10
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Be the Funniest Person in the Room
We at Reader’s Digest like to offer a service angle whenever we can, the reason being that self-help books sell better than humor collections. Think of this particular chapter as Situational Humor for Dummies, except I would never call my readers dummies.
The first rule of writing is don’t insult your readers. Actually, that’s the second rule. The first rule is don’t insult the payroll department. They’ll sit on your check for months. “Oh, Mr. Simmons. I could have sworn we sent that check out eons ago.…”
The following are jokes you can use when you need to defuse certain awkward moments. It will guarantee that you will be perceived in a heroic light and deemed the funniest person in the room (to clarify—in a room with other people).
Class Reunion
Obstacle: These people have seen you at your worst—braces, zits, and in gym class. You now have an opportunity to dispel old opinions.
Goal: Clever wordplay gags will mark you as an erudite person-of-the-world and not the dolt who thought the name of the great Greek philosopher was Play-Doh.
Jokes: What do you call it when two egotists butt heads? An I for an I.
What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini? Olive or Twist.
What’s a shotgun wedding? A case of wife or death!
(Okay, that’s enough.)
Family Reunion
Obstacle: Good news—that Adonis-like cousin of yours who beat you in tennis, basketball, and swimming races? You just destroyed his high score in Tetris!
Goal: A self-deprecating joke will show everyone that success hasn’t gone to your head, even though it has, and for good reason: You’re the family Tetris king!!!!!!
Joke: The other day, I went to work with both ears bandaged. My boss asked what happened.
“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”
“That explains one ear,” said my boss. “But what about the other?”
“The person called back!”
Kid’s Birthday Party
Obstacle: An audience of ladies, gentlemen, and children of all ages.
Goal: Telling a joke suitable for kids—and one that isn’t so cute it makes adults ill.
Joke: What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt.
Adult’s Birthday Party
Obstacle: Someone you love is a year older and isn’t happy about it.
Goal: Whether he or she is turning twenty or one hundred, celebrate the occasion with an insult. Deep down, while you never hear anybody admit it, we all love jokes about getting older. After all, getting older is the objective.
Joke: A man brags to a friend about his new hearing aid. “It’s the most expensive one I’ve ever had—it cost me $3,500!”
His friend asks, “What kind is it?”
The braggart says, “Half past four.”
Golf Outing
Obstacle: You’ve swung at the ball twelve times and all you’ve
succeeded in doing is giving it windburn.
Goal: Time to step back and change the subject by telling a joke about a golfer with a greater handicap than yours.
Joke: Stevie Wonder meets Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is a golfer. “When I tee off,” the blind musician explains, “I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.”
Tiger’s skeptical, but when Stevie suggests that they play a round for $100,000 Tiger readily accepts, figuring it’s the easiest hundred grand he’ll ever make.
“So when do you want to play?”
Stevie shrugs, “Pick any night.”
First Date
Obstacle: Do you have a sense of humor? If so, are you Seinfeld-funny or Vladimir Putin–funny?
Goal: You’re doing two things with this joke: (a) trying to show your date that you’re not a humorless dork, and (b) fishing around to see if he or she is a humorless dork. Since you have a lot to learn about your date in a brief period of time, stick with a one-liner. If you get a laugh, stay for dessert.
Joke: How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None. It only takes Tolkiens.
Thanksgiving Dinner
Obstacle: Your mother-in-law is doing it again: She won’t stop talking about the time your spouse cried on Santa’s lap at the age of sixteen.
Goal: Reduce your partner’s anxiety with a joke that states the obvious: The woman may be pushy—but, hell, you’re stuck with her.
Joke: A manager brings a dog into a nightclub to work. The dog is a brilliant piano player who knows all the standards. He’s sitting there pounding out the notes when all of a sudden a big dog comes in and drags him off the stool and out the door.